Non-Elusive BFP

2009-10-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

I'm still pregnant. But things are not looking good. My betas have been rising steadily but not doubling. My RE told me that what will certainly happen is the baby will keep growing as long as I stay on my progesterone and estrogen. But it will never get past 7 or 8 weeks. And by continuing to take the meds I'm prolonging the inevitable. She has no idea why this happened as she fully expected me to have a healthy pregnancy by this point. And at the moment doesn't know what direction to go in next.

My heart is broken. My husbands heart is broken.

How did we get here?

I don't think I'm going to write here anymore. I'm just so sick of writing all about my stupid crappy journey. So I'm on a break. Not sure for how long.

Beta is in.....

2009-10-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

And I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!

Level was 66.5. Need to go in again Tuesday for a 2nd beta.

I did cheat though and took a test yesterday morning

after feeling lots of cramps on Friday. So I suspected as much. But I was still nervous. And I'm still nervous. I suppose that will happen until I have a live baby kicking and screaming in my arms.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

2009-10-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

October is pregnancy loss awareness month. And October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. On this day, everyone who has lost a baby or knows someone who has lost a baby is invited to light a candle in remembrance at 7pm local time. Please consider doing this and encouraging others to participate as well. There are local candlelit walks around the country. Check out this link for more information.

Here they are

2009-09-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

I feel true hope this time!! Like, the kind of hope I felt while I was still pregnant. These embies look so much better to me than Nugget. The cells are more uniform. And if you look closely you can see that the one on top is busting out of the shell. So I really feel like we have a fighting chance this time around. I sang along to this on the drive home.

The acupuncturist I had today was wonderful. She has undergone IVF and FETs and pregnancy loss. But she was very encouraging. And really helpful. She checked on the timing of the doctors for me so I could pace my water intake. It worked great. For the first time I wasn't "exploding" during the pre-acupuncture treatment. And I didn't have to pee during the transfer either. I'm sad that this was the first time I've had her for treatment. If this FET works, I'll ask for her when I go in for pregnancy treatments.

There was another couple there today having a FET. My mind went to the poor couple in Ohio that had the embryo mix-up. But then I realized how those things are very rare occurrences and my clinic is super careful. They checked my id and the labels on the embies like 8 times. And I only had 2 embies whereas the other couple (who have suffered several losses sadly) were transferring 4.

I really hope that they have success too.

Well. I think I'm going to catch up the young and the restless and then take a nap. Happy Friday!!

Lil' old lady pill box

2009-09-18T18:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I just needed a break from thinking about TTC again and just wanted to reflect to myself about the loss of our baby. It was really good for me. I survived. I did not transform into a ball of tears as I imagined. I lit a candle and remembered how it felt to be pregnant with her and how it felt to hold her and look at her pretty face. I imagined what she would look like if she had been born. And I felt a sense of peace. I was dreading the due date for so long, it is like a weight of was lifted off my shoulders once the day passed. Now if only I could get babycenter to stop sending me emails saying how my 2 week old is doing. : (

Thank you to everyone who reached out and sent me cards, emails, comments, or thoughts. I appreciated it so much and so did K. He was so touched that so many people were thinking about us and Lydia on her EDD. I think he is finally getting why I love this community so much.

Well now I feel ready for this new cycle. And I just bought myself a little old lady pill box to help organize all the pills I have to take for FET #2. It is so crazy all the stuff I have to take. Yes it is way easier than a fresh cycle, but still so many meds. Because I have to take multiples of some pills per day, sometimes I forget if I actually took the dose. I have a ton of things on my mind with work and have trouble sometimes keeping it all straight. So this organizer will help a ton. And it is cool because you can detach the day you are on and pop in your purse. Do you think green and purple plastic pill organizer works with Coach?

I get to start the oh so fun Progesterone in Oil on Sunday to simulate ovulation. And then the transfer is on Friday. I have all the meds. My lining looks great. Oh and we are transferring 2 embies this time. So I feel pretty good. I just need to make the acupuncture appointment and I'll be all set.

EDD

2009-09-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight K and I will light a candle to remember our baby girl Lydia who we only briefly met. Our perfect little beauty stolen from us in April when she should have been born sometime this week. Our EDD was September 3rd. As soon as we learned that date it was burned in my brain. I couldn't wait for the day to meet her. I never would have guessed that the day we met would be so bitter. So cruel.

I wish we could have met today instead.

______________________________________

One thing that I've learned from all of this is that I'm not the only one. There are way too many mothers that have lost their precious babies too soon. And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For that reason I'm going to do whatever I can to promote pregnancy loss awareness and try to raise funds in Lydia's name for research to prevent the type of loss that took her from us. I'm researching different organizations that I might want to use for this. Right now I'm thinking March of Dimes but I'll keep you guys posted on what we decide. But doing something like this makes me feel like I'm doing something for Lydia. And that makes me smile.

: (

2009-08-30T18:29:00.001-07:00

So my beta was negative. I didn't even ask if there was a number. The call hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't really feel pregnant. But I just didn't really expect to here it was negative either.

Well after having a good cry, lots of hugs from K, and lots of kisses from Bailey I took a deep breath and thought of some good things.

1. Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. 6 years of marriage to one of the greatest human beings ever created. We will celebrate with a nice dinner out.

2. Since I'm not pregnant I can have champagne to celebrate our anniversary.

3. Since I'm not pregnant I can have sex to celebrate our anniversary.

4. We have 6 more frosties and I can just roll into another cycle.

5. I don't have to shoot myself in the ass tonight and for another couple of weeks!

At my WTF appointment next week I'm going to ask about transferring 2 next time. I never felt totally comfortable with just one and now that this cycle didn't work I feel more strongly that we should try to increase our chances.

8dp6dt

2009-08-29T11:42:00.000-07:00

I went to my therapist on Wednesday. She thought it would be a good idea for me to stop trying to protect myself by not feeling hope for Nugget. She thinks having a poor mental attitude could be bad if s/he indeed is trying to grow in there. She told me about this study where there were 2 groups of cancer patients. One group was prayed for. At the end of the study, the group that was prayed for had better survival than the other group. The researchers attributed the success of the prayer group to positive thinking and good vibes. So my therapist asked me to try to commune with Nugget and let him or her know that I want him and will provide a safe passage if s/he decides to stay with us. And ever since then I've noticed all of these potential pregnancy symptoms. I don't really trust early pregnancy symptoms but it gives me a little hope. And talking to Nugget and acting like there is a chance gives me hope.

But here is the thing. Now I'm annoyed that I'm feeling a little hopeful about this baby. Because what happens when I get a BFN tomorrow. This is going to suck. Lydia's due date is on September 3rd. Why did I do this to myself? If the beta is negative and then I have to deal with her due date too this week is going to be just awful for me.

I haven't cried for weeks. That is a big deal for me. And I sobbed this morning thinking about poor Lydia. Poor me. Poor K. Poor Nugget. I was so obsessed with getting pregnant again before Lydia's due date and now I'm not sure why that felt like such a big deal. If I am pregnant it isn't going to take away the pain of losing her. And now if I'm not pregnant I'm going to have double pain. So just in case I get bad news tomorrow I've devised a little plan. I made sure that next week is going to be a really busy one at work. I've scheduled a meeting with my boss on Tuesday, and I have a ton of experiments to finish. So I'm going to throw myself into it. Concentrate on work. I won't have time to cry. I won't have time to feel. I'm just not sure I can handle it all.

Nugget

2009-08-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

So here is the promised photo of my little de-frostie that I've been calling Nugget. I think the inner mass of cells makes it look like a gold nugget. Although it isn't gold. More clear than anything else. So sort of hard to photograph I guess. I don't know what Nugget is doing now. If he has hydrated and has implanted. Or maybe just still hanging out waiting to hatch. Or perhaps he has died. I wish I could tell what is going on down there. It is so odd to me that given all the perfect conditions that he couldn't just find a nice piece of lining and snuggle in. But sometimes they just don't. Are you are sticky little rockstar Nugget? I wonder.

1dp6dt and my super bladder

2009-08-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

Obviously I have nothing in the way of symptoms yet and don't expect to feel for quite some time even if I do get pregnant. I am sort of surprised that my breasts aren't really sore from all the progesterone I'm on (1 cc of PIO, and 2 suppositories a day). My ass however, does hurt. I've got a huge welt on my right hip that is really bothering me. I'll have to use my left side for a couple of days I think.

The transfer went very smoothly. We transferred one sad looking de-frostie. The embryologist and RE said that the embie was perfect as it is a 1AA 6 day blast, and that the blast just looked strange because it had been dehydrated for freezing. I dunno. I supposed I can understand that. I just hope he/she is o.k and has a fighting chance at implanting. I just don't feel confident and hopeful like I did the last time.

I drank about half the required water before my acupuncture session as someone recommended in the comments of my last post (thank you so much). And I went in for the acupuncture session feeling pretty calm and relaxed. But by the time I got up from the table I had to pee. And once I went back for the transfer my bladder was ready to burst. So my RE let me empty it a little bit. Now ladies this is a difficult feat. Eliminating just a little urine. This actually happened during my last transfer so I knew that conceptually I could do it but was still scared about executing the task. Here is the trick. Pick a time (I had 5 seconds), then after the time stand up. You won't pee on yourself. I promise. I felt so much better, didn't feel the urge to pee anymore, and my bladder was still adequately full. So the lesson learned is that you don't have to drink all the water they ask you to necessarily. I drank about 18 oz of water and my nurse had said 24-50 oz. Anyway, it struck me that having a full bladder played a huge roll in trying to save Lydia and trying to get pregnant again. When they tried to get Lydia's amniotic sack back through my cervix, the on-call OB put a catheter in my urethra and filled my bladder with water. It was terribly uncomfortable. The OB and nurses were all surprised at the length of time I endured the full bladder without complaint. So maybe I've just got a super strong bladder.

Well now we wait. Beta isn't for another 8 days. But I'm just not that anxious about it. I think I'm really just getting more and more blah as I get closer to Lydia's EDD September 3rd. But I will try to send some good vibes to my little de-frostie everyday. I know that being a little more zen about things is best for my own psyche and better for de-frostie. So I'll try.

I "lied" and all is well for my FET tomorrow.

2009-08-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

I love that I know my parents so well. I knew that when I told them I'd need a procedure to help me get pregnant again they'd take my statement for what it was. No questions. Just a little worry. But I assured them that it was a simple procedure and it would be better for me not to walk around when I get home and all day the following day. And also as predicted, my mom and dad were said they were so happy that they could be here to help when I have to be off my feet. I love them. And I'm so glad I didn't tell them the whole truth. They are just too scared to deal with me getting pregnant again. When my mom found my PNVs she told my husband that he should throw them away.

Well even though they are frightened I know that they'll be happy for me if the FET works. And of course we'll be thrilled as well. Getting pregnant again is the driving force that has kept me from going into despair over losing Lydia. I can't believe the day is actually here.... Deep Breath.

So the transfer is at 12pm PST. I go in for acupuncture at 11:15, and I guess I'll start drinking my "lots and lots" of water after the treatment. Or maybe I should start drinking it right before. Last time I forgot to drink the water before arriving at my clinic, but it was fine because my RE was doing a surgery and was late. But this time I hope she won't be late. So I better figure out when to start filling my bladder. Any thoughts ladies?

Is this bad?

2009-08-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

My blood work from this morning looked good so we are on for Friday Transfer. I start taking PIO tonight and continue the estrace. I'm excited. I'm hopeful.

I also feel good because my mom and dad are coming to visit. They will be here for a week and I'm so happy I could burst. I haven't felt this happy in a long long time. I really miss them.

But K and I made the decision to not tell our parents about the FET ages ago. We just don't want the questions. Question like "are you sure you've waited long enough" and "will a baby be normal after being frozen" and "did you test, are you pregnant, what if what if what if". We just can't deal with that. So the only one who knows besides you guys is my brother who I just can't keep anything from. He is my own personal IRL cheerleader and he is keeping his mouth closed from the 'rents. But how are we supposed to keep this from them when they are here. I'm going to have to lie right to their faces. I hate to lie to them. But I can't face the alternative. So my plan on transfer day is to say I have to have a procedure that will help me get pregnant again. They know about the IF, fibroids, endo, etc so they won't question this. They may feel odd about me needing 2 days of bedrest, but they'll go with it. They will just want to know that I'm o.k. and will probably be happy that they are going to be around to take care of me. So I feel a little guilty. But really, telling them feels like if we were doing it the natural way and I said "hey don't mind us we are going to get busy now and try to make you another grandchild," so I feel justified in not telling them what is going on. But telling a boldface lie like this is going to be hard.

So far so good

2009-08-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

This morning I went for a lining check and blood work. Fairly routine and easy visit. I didn't get nervous like I did during my fresh cycle. Not even when the freshly graduated medical assistant asked if it would be o.k. for her to take my blood. She looked so scared. I think a lot of patients must turn her down. The regular M.A.s were there saying that I didn't have to accept her if I didn't feel comfortable. But I figured what the heck. It took at least 10 minutes to draw one vial of blood. It was sort of cute in a way. She was so careful, checking my vain several times before doing the shot. I told her that she did a great job when she was finally finished. Hopefully it gave her a little more confidence for next time.

The ultrasound room gave me one tiny pang of pain. Just remembering seeing a squirmy little Lydia on that screen a few months ago made me frown. But after a deep breath I was fine. The tech didn't recognize me. I guess it has been a while and she has seen a lot of patients. But I remembered her. She did most of my follie checks. The follies that made Lydia and her little embryo siblings. I was glad to see a familiar face. My lining measured over 10 so I'm in the clear. I guess the combination of acupuncture, Pomegranate juice, and 3 estrace pills a day did the trick. And my blood work came back perfect.

So my FET is scheduled. I have to get my blood checked on Sunday to make sure things are still quiet and then Friday the 21st will be the transfer.

Let the games begin

2009-08-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

So here I am. Cycling again. This is bittersweet. I've been waiting for months to cycle again. When Lydia died all I wanted was to be pregnant again. The void of my empty uterus was simply unbearable. And although slightly better now, I still am all consumed with having another baby while at the same time longing for the one I lost.

My period started on Friday so on Saturday I got to start taking estrace 3x a day. This is a crazy ton of estrogen. And I've already noticed a huge difference in my body. My periods are usually 5-6 days long. Well this one was a whopping 3 days. Like when I was a teenager. And I'm not going to complain for a minute. No pain this time. I didn't even notice the endo. No freak trips to the ER like last month. And no need for my stash of vicodin. I'm thrilled. Hopefully this is what is supposed to happen. But I'm guessing it is fine since so much estrogen mimics your cycle building a follicle and thus building a lining. So it makes sense my bleeding stopped. Well just in case I'll call my nurse to find out.

So in expectation of this FET working I've resumed taking the prenatal vitamins that I stopped after the baby died. I just couldn't come near the bottle. I did take a folic acid supplement though. I just didn't want to take the pills that I had been taking to nourish my Lydia. It seemed wrong. But it seems fine now. I'm o.k. moving ahead.

But I am not putting all my hopes into this working. I'm scared of the disappointment of a failed cycle. But not like before. Losing a baby at 21 weeks puts things in a different perspective. A BFN can not devastate me like it did in the past. But it will sting. Still I'm prepared. I know I shouldn't go into this expecting it to fail but I sort of do. My body sucks. I can't trust that it will work. And in a way I'm scared to risk my poor frosties on my stupid uterus and cervix.

Fun with IF

2009-07-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

So I was poking around on itunes this weekend and found some pretty good IF podcasts. I thought that you ICLWers were be just as interested in these as I was so I'll describe them for you.

The one that I've listed to the most is called Creating a Family. The podcaster, Dawn Davenport is an adoption attorney and discusses issues such as endo, adoption, ART, RPL, TCM, and all things related to alternative options to creating a family. Just now I finished her discussion with Mel from about her book. It was so cool to hear the conversation that these two women had. If you want to listen it is the March 4th episode entitle "Calling all Stirrup Queens".

Just relax it will happen is done by a couple. I really like this one. First of all they have way cool British accents so that right there makes me inclined to listen. Better yet, they are truthful and sincere about their personal journey through IVF. They have one daughter and are now attempting a frozen cycle. I can't find a link to this one, so you'll have to find it through itunes if you want to listen. But I highly recommend it.

The infertility Rollercoaster is one from the guys point of view. So far I find it rather interesting. But there aren't that many episodes and it is from 2006.

There are a bunch more but I haven't gotten around to listening to them yet. But in addition to the podcasts I found some other interesting items.

Apparently there was/is a musical called Infertility the musical thats hard to conceive. I love it. What could be better than listening to people sing songs like "I've got sperm in my pocket" and "the donor dating game".

The last thing that I was found was a song by reggae artist Lady Saw called "no less a woman". Just a look at the album cover tells me that this chick knows where I'm coming from. Maybe this should be my new theme song. Or at least my new ringtone. Hopefully this video clip embeds properly so you can see what I mean.

Friends and knitting

2009-07-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

So every Wednesday at work we have tea time. Each lab takes turns bringing pastries, coffee, or tea and everyone socializes. Since I returned to work I've avoided tea time. The thought of being in a room full of people that could potentially ask me about what happened scared the hell out of me. So I found excuses to avoid going.

The thing is,..... tea time used to be my thing. I loved socializing and gossiping with everyone. I volunteered to buy the goodies for our lab and looked forward to "hosting". I hate that even that has been taken from me.

Yesterday morning I did my best to make myself invisible but my boss found me anyway. He asked if I was going to make the tea and I protested for about a minute until I realized that I must have sounded pretty lame. So I made the tea and commandeered some of my buddies to go with me and surround me for support. It was fine. We chatted. We joked. We ate yummy scones. And my knitting friend Else approached me and asked how I've been since she hadn't seen me around (she had been gone for a while when I just started showing, and came back during my leave so she didn't even know I had been pregnant). I sort of just said fine and changed the subject to how she has been, etc. So I survived unscathed.

Later on I ran into Else in the ladies room. She asked me again where I had been since she hadn't seen me around so I told her that I had been pregnant and that I had lost the baby. And for the first time, I didn't falter when explaining what happened to Lydia. I was so proud of myself. But looking into Else's eyes, I could see that she was heartbroken. She had tears in her eyes when she asked if it was something that could happen again. So I explained to her about the cerclage, P17, and bedrest option and even managed to sound a little hopeful. She just looked so sad. I apologized for ruining her day. And she said not to think that I had and that she is just amazed that any babies ever make it. We hugged briefly and she when she left she thanked me for sharing with her. I thanked her for understanding.

I don't know. From her words I just got the feeling that she really knew what I was talking about. Like she may have had a similar experience. She is in her late fifties, a frickin awesome speed knitter, and she and her husband have no children. And I've heard her make comments during the knitting group like "nope, no kids for me" while quickly shaking her head. I always just shrugged it off. Now I wonder. Her response to my story really touched me. She is the only person besides you guys who has wondered about next time around. No platitudes. No one-upping my loss with some other more horrid loss. And no just assuming that things would be fine once we tried again. So many people have said "you guys are so young", "at least you know you can get pregnant" and

crap like that not knowing my history. She didn't do this. Why?? Well I guess it doesn't matter. I'm just glad that I've told yet another person and survived. And I'm glad that I was able to go to tea time and have fun. So all the anxiety isn't worth it.

I can do this!!

And I can knit. I started this project as a way to relax and bide my time. I always loved knitting but I have found it to be extremely soothing to my psyche even more so lately. This scarf is going to be a birthday present for my best friend who is coming to visit from NYC at the end of the month. I hope she likes it. The pictures don't really do it justice. I made this same alpaca scarf for myself (in forest green) and wear it all winter long. I love it, and it thought that if I knit it in black then my bff would love it too. The scarf has a fancy ruffled edge (which you can sort of see in the first image) and a cool herringbone stitch (you can sort of see this in the second image).

Because it is a skinny scarf, you can use one skein of yarn. And it calls for largish needles so it knits up quick.

It isn't me!!!

2009-07-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

I knew I'd find out soon but didn't expect it to be this soon. The fish dream (see post below if you have no clue what I'm talking about) was about my older brother. Apparently he forgot how to properly use a condom. My other brother told me the news last night. I told him that I was just going to try to block this knowledge from my memory. But of course I can't. This baby, this sweet innocent child is a result of a fling. A fling!!! I would like to say I'm surprised but I'm not. This means my older brother now will have 3 children. One he takes care of and is in our lives. My beautiful nephew Dominic. His daughter we haven't seen since she was about 1. Her mother hates my brother and banned him from her daughter's life, and thus banned her from our lives. And now this baby. I'm pretty certain that s/he is not going to have a role in my brother's life. He can't stay in a relationship (monogamy issues) and he can't financially support another child. He just barely gets by paying child support for Dom. I hate this! It isn't fair that he should get to have another baby and mine is ashes on my mantle.

Fish Dreams

2009-07-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

So this morning over the phone my mom tells me how she has been having fish dreams for a while now and she wonders who is next.Let me explain that when a woman in my family dreams about fish, someone ends up pregnant. It always happens. My grandmother dreamt when all of my aunts were pregnant and knew before they did. No joke. And when I was in college my grandmother had a fish dream and my parents went crazy thinking it had to be me because I was the only female "old enough" to get knocked-up. Well obviously it wasn't me. My younger cousin. She now has 3 kids.

So I told my mom that I couldn't guess who it was and wanted to just leave it at that. But then she started in with.... "you never know, it could work naturally this time for you". I just said no firmly and changed the subject. Is my mom just being hopeful. Or just being a pain in the ass. Either way I can't stop thinking about it. Why not me? Is it possible that my mother could be predicting a future pregnancy for me. I doubt it. I'm guessing another cousin is pregnant. I'll let you all know what I find out in a month or so.

But just maybe my mother's signals are crossed and she is just dreaming of my water dog who pretty much acts like a fish.

Here is a picture of him dripping wet during our trip to the beach. And just to give you are taste of summer in San Francisco......

Yes that little girl is wearing a wetsuit!And check out the fog. That's K and Bailey in the distance. Except they weren't that far away from me. The fog just made it look that way.

Aches and Pains

2009-07-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

So in addition to all my emotional stuff it seems like my endo is back with a vengeance. So much for acupuncture! I started my period last weekend and it was fine at the beginning. Not to heavy, no cramps. But then Sunday hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so painful. The odd thing was that the pain seemed to be centered on my right side. And not low. Higher up close to my navel. I started feeling hot and uncomfortable and took my temperature. 99.7. Not really a fever but close. I started freaking out about possible appendicitis and ended up going to the ER after checking in with the nurse line. And here is where my life starts to resemble a situational comedy.

As we decide to go to the ER, K takes Bailey out to let him pee since we don't know how long we'll be gone. And poor Bailey gets stung by a bee on his left paw. Our poor baby was whining and wailing. Bailey wouldn't let K look at his paw. He let me look, but with my sore belly I couldn't really angle myself to get out the stinger. So K ended up dropping me off at the ER and then took Bails to the vet. It was totally crazy. Poor guy. Poor dog. Poor me. We are such a sorry group.

Well after a pelvic, and a CT scan that somehow took 8 hours to complete, they concluded that the pain was caused by the endometriosis growing on new parts of my abdomen and leaving little pools of blood in various places. Awesome. So now I have internal bleeding. At least with this type of bleeding the body just reabsorbs it somehow so no surgery or anything of the sort will be needed. They sent me home with a prescription of vicoden and a really sore arm (from all the vials of blood they drew and the IV).

Bailey had a much easier time. He did have to wait an hour to be seen, but the vet techs just held him down forcefully and took out the stinger with a tweezer. They didn't even charge K for the service. We had given Bails a benadryl before we left the house so he was a little sleepy and thus easier to deal with. The techs thanked us for that.

So yesterday I explained to my acupuncturist what happened and she is all up in arms about how I really have to cut out sugar and wheat gluten from my diet because these are adding to the endo. And she would like me to do herbs but I can't since I'm on the pill now and Dr. W. does not allow herbs to used at the same time as meds. So I'm going to try this crazy elimination diet to see if the wheat gluten is really a problem. I'm not excited about this. I've already given up shellfish (no big deal for me), dairy (way bigger deal), and chicken (frickin huge deal) and I still have little pools of blood in my belly. All I know is if this stuff doesn't help with the endo pain for my next period at least now I have the vicodin. And all this crazy dieting is going to help me get wicked skinny because what have I got left to eat besides fresh fruits and veggies. Le sigh.

Feelings

2009-06-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

So lately I've felt the o.k. I can go to work and function. I can go to brunch with my best friend and laugh. I feel joy watching Bailey leap into the air to make a great catch.

But the pain is right there. I understand now what it means to have some sort of emotion "just underneath the surface". This is exactly where my feelings sit. And they emerge easily as hot tears. I hate this.

There are tiny things that can trigger me and send me into a panic. For instance, when I woke up this morning I was on my stomach. I immediately thought about how I shouldn't be able to do that now. I should be so huge that sleeping on my stomach would be physically impossible. This cascaded into more and more thoughts about what I'm missing out on and what I should be experiencing. That it isn't fair that I have to go without my Lydia. It isn't right. It is all wrong. And I ended up just shaking my head no for something like a half an hour before I motivated to get up and out of bed.

I am not the type of person who can just be sad all the time. And I know this will take a great deal of time and that I may never ever get over it. But I just wish that I could fast forward. I wish that I was already done with these feelings. It just blows that not only did I have to loose my daughter and have the worry that I may not ever have another child, go through fertility treatments again, have to do acupuncture again, have to go to therapy now, I also have to endure this sadness now indefinitely. I hate to sound cliche but why me?. I just don't get it.

In addition to being sad and confused I'm really pissed. Why is it that after all the procedures I've been thought no doctor could find some sort of marker to indicate that I would be prone to pre-term labor and incompetent cervix? They can tell all sorts of problems that your unborn baby might have. They can give you pap smears to screen for cervical cancer, and mammograms to screen for breast cancer. They can give people amazing drug cocktails to keep their HIV from developing into full blown AIDS. Women can have sextuplets and octuplets even. But I can't have the care to allow me to have one. There is no way to tell that someone is going to go into early labor? There has to be some sort of indication!!! Why isn't anyone studying this? This makes me so angry. I live in the USA. I don't live in a 3rd world country. This should not have happened to me. Every doctor who I've spoken to since my loss has said "yes your case is typical. 21 weeks. yes that is exactly when this happens". O.K. then why didn't my OB tell me around 18 weeks to watch out for this type of thing. Would it be that hard for OBs to tell their 2nd tri patients to watch out for signs of early labor? Perhaps we would have gotten to that chat at my next appointment. Perhaps other OBs tell their patients about this risk. But mine didn't. So I'm beyond pissed.

IF in the plant world???

2009-06-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

This is Trudy, a Titan arum plant, aka corpse plant. She is big and ugly, and stinks of rotting flesh (hence the nickname corpse plant). I fought the crowds to take a look at her today because today was the first time since 2005 that she produced a flower. Yes ladies and gents, Trudy gets a chance at reproduction only every 4 or 5 years. Very much like us infertiles, Trudy doesn't have a lot of opportunities to make a baby. And when she does, she goes all out... making this giant flower (almost 7 feet tall). I liken this to all the effort that we IFers have to put into baby making. Injecting ourselves, undergoing crazy dietary regimes, surgeries, pills, blood draws, dildo cam visits....all in the hope of reproducing.

The flower stinks (It was pretty nasty. Being that it was growing in a greenhouse in June. Just use your imaginations girls.) to attract flies and beetles that will carry pollen to her flowers. Much like our REs guide sperm to eggs through IUI or IVF. I'm assuming that most of us IFers don't stink. But it does stink that a lot of us have to pay thousands of dollars for the chance to do what practically everyone else can do for free.

The rest of the time in her life cycle when Trudy is not working her little plant ass off to reproduce, she looks like this.

Just tall and leafy. And not stinky. This is the waiting stage. So I guess right now that I'm waiting anxiously for

my FET in August I'm sort of in my leafy stage. I'm really not doing what I'm 'supposed' to do for reproduction. I'm not taking pre-natals. Haven't had the heart to swallow them since I associate them with Lydia. I'm drinking tons of coffee. Really strong coffee!! And right now I'm guzzling down an ice cold Toffee Coffee Frostie. According to my acupuncturist, cold food and drinks are a big no no. Something to do with taking the blood away from the uterus to help warm up the cold stuff so it can be digested. So the Frostie being frozen is probably really bad. Oh and it is coffee flavor so all that extra caffeine added to the 2 cups of Joe I had today is probably bad too. Also, my acupuncturist wants me to cut out sugar. I'm sure there are about 2 cups of sugar in my Frostie. But I really don't care. I'm Leafy. There is no chance that I can get pregnant right now anyway so I might as well enjoy myself a little. Come July I'll get back on track.

Welcome ICLW participants

2009-06-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

I've decided to add a little background info for those of you who have never visited my blog.

I hope that it helps you to understand my upcoming posts should you chose to visit again.

So in 2004 while on the pill I had some weird spotting. I asked my doctor about it and she had me take a pregnancy test. My first beta. I was scared out of my mind. Could I be pregnant? We hadn't been married for even a year yet? What would people think? What would this do to my career?

The test was negative. Several ultrasounds later they confirmed that I had a baseball sized fibroid in my uterus that needed to be removed. I had surgery a few weeks later and but the doctor wasn't a very skilled surgeon and the only removed about 1/4 of the fibroid tissue. Besides the pain and heavy bleeding I didn't really care. I wasn't ready to be a mom yet. And K was not ready to be a dad. But in another year the mommy feelings hit me like an ultimate frisbee to the head. All of a sudden I feared for my fertility. I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy. I wanted a child. And I thought we should start trying. Two years later he finally agreed. Well by then we had moved and I was seeing a new GYN who was this so called fibroid expert and insisted that the fibroid come out before we could really try because I would most definitely miscarry any conceived children very early on with that large fibroid. We had the surgery and afterward he said to "get to it". That to come back in 6 months if we weren't pregnant, but he doubted we wouldn't be. Well after waking up daily to check temps, learning the wonders of cervical mucus and spending a fortune on OPKs we still were not pregnant. Fertility friend confirmed that I was ovulated every months. So we did a sperm analysis. It was perfect. We did another. Perfect. I took clomid (not monitored) and started acupuncture. Not pregnant. Got a referral to an RE who quickly realized that the current dosage of clomid wasn't helping me. I still just had one follie and she expected 2. She increased the dosage, scheduled and IUI and we once again had hope. Come IUI day my husbands sample was crap. I cried my eyes out. He doesn't have a problem. Normally his swimmers are excellent. Turns out a really bad fever a month or so before wrecked his sperm that day. But my RE also suspected that I had bigger problems. My ultrasounds showed what looked like a new fibroid. So we did a a lap/hysteroscopy and during that she found stage 3 endo that pulled my fully functioning ovaries so far away from my fallopian tubes that I didn't stand a chance of getting an egg near a sperm. And my uterus was filled with a ton of scar tissue that she determined was a result of the past surgery (once the large fibroid was removed my large uterus was empty and collapsed on itself and when it went back to normal made scar tissue). This too would never let a pregnancy stick. She cleaned out the uterus, but the endo was going to make IUIs really impossible. We needed IVF. We did IVF. We got pregnant. I didn't believe it could be real. I couldn't enjoy it. I kept thinking we were going to loose it. That there would be no heartbeat. That there would be something wrong with it. 20 weeks later we found out that the baby was perfect. All the right parts were there. No markers for chromosomal problems. And it was a GIRL!! We were overjoyed. And I finally relaxed.

That brings us to the current part of my story. The awful terrible craptastic part of the story. (Deep Breath). I can't re-tell that tale. It is too fresh. Too painful still. But if you want to read what happened go to the entry from April 27th or 28th. But the gist is that I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. Of all of my diagnosis this one was the worst. This one could not be predicted. This one stole my perfect healthy baby girl from K and I. This one means that instead of planning my baby shower I am trying to figure out what to do with Lydia's ashes. This is the one that means is I am ever blessed again with another child I will have to have my imcompetent cervix stitched up with a cerclage, and will forever be deemed a highrisk patient who will likely need bedrest to carry a child to term.

So here we are. Scared to death but preparing to try a frozen embryo transfer in a couple of months. I am infertile. I have an incompetent cervix. But I will have a live healthy baby someday. I know this in my heart of hearts. I never in a million years imagined that I would be in this position. I spend way too much time wishing I could go back in time and make K realize that we should start TTC sooner. Or that I could get a referral to the RE sooner. Or that I could get to the hospital earlier and they could have saved my Lydia. But none of that is possible. I'm stuck here in reality and probably the main way I heal myself is through this blog.

ICLW has led me several blogs that I now read daily. I'm so thankful to Mel for organizing this and bringing this community together. So happy ICLW everyone. I look forward to meeting peaking into your lives this week. And hopefully finding some new amazing blogs to add to my daily list.

That was easy

2009-06-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

For once I woke up from surgery to hear good news. No fibroids!!! No adhesions!!! I am overjoyed. That means my recovery time should be short. Dr. W did find a little bit of tissue that she thinks could me leftover placental tissue. She sent other off to pathology to be analyzed and I'll find out what of was at my post-op. Since I got home I've been napping and chatting with K. He just brought me my iPhone so I could post. I'm still too tired to hey up and go to our desktop. And I left my laptop at work.

I think I'll be ok to go to work in the morning. I haven't even had to take a Tylenol. This is seriously the easiest procedure I've had so far.

Back to work

2009-06-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

So today is my second day back in the lab. For the most part it has gone better than expected. I went in yesterday after lunch since I had my pre-op appointment in the late morning. I'm glad that I only did half of a day. It was a good way to get back into it. Most people said "welcome back" and that they missed me. That was the perfect thing to say. No questions or comments on the baby. They all know what happened so I guess they shouldn't have questions. And they all sent their condolences after Lydia died so they really didn't have to do the "I'm sorrys". And that was fine with me. It isn't like I want to forget what happened. I just don't want to get into tit with work people. Does that make sense? Of course there had to be one person to make me almost cry. Our visiting scientist hugged me and told me how she was worried I'd get really depressed and never return to work. Now, I have to add that English is not her first language so I'm not sure how much of our conversation was lost in translation. Anyway she told me how her brother and his wife lost their 1.5 year old daughter due to a heart condition and they were very depressed and the wife didn't return to work until a year later. She said that her SIL would have probably preferred to have lost her daughter earlier (as in 21 weeks). I think trying to say it is better that I lost Lydia before I got to know her. This pissed me off. But I let it roll off my back and said whenever a baby dies it is a tragedy and that I was very sad to hear of her niece passing on. Then she went on about how I'm so young and can try again. I'm so glad everyone thinks 33 is young. Whatever. I know she meant well and I know that people can say dumb things. One of K's co-irkers actually said to him "it is all for the best". What the crap? All for the best for who exactly. To reiterate, some people say dumb things.

All in all I'm glad to back. One of the grad students has her qualifying exam tomorrow (to become a PhD candidate) and she needed to practice her presentation. Everyone else in the lab had already heard it all and didn't want to help her. So I came back right on time to offer my help. Today we spent 2 hours going over her slides and I quizzed her. She knows her stuff but is super nervous. I was happy to give her some guidance and hope I helped her realize that she is ready so she can relax a little tonight. It felt really good to help someone.

My acupuncturist is a mad genius

2009-06-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

Hysteroscopy is on. I have it scheduled for Thursday morning in the surgery center at my RE office. This is the same room where they did my egg retrieval. I've had good luck in that room so I'm not worried. That and I've had more procedures down there than I'd care to remember.

I'm just happy to get this out of the way so my body has lots of time to heal. And I'll be using Traditional Chinese Medicine to help me heal faster.

I've had pretty good luck with acupuncture in the past. The needles never hurt. I was always relaxed and felt very calm afterward. The first practitioner I visited was this older Chinese man who was all about business. His clinic was just a basic office built out of an old San Francisco Victorian. He put in the needles and would sometimes light some incense right on my belly. It regulated my crazy cycles and helped me ovulate earlier. But with the endo I was meant for IVF. So when I decided to IVF I started up with a new practitioner. This was mostly because I didn't feel like driving all the way to San Francisco every Saturday morning. This woman was in my town and I could go after work. Her clinic was very different from the first. She played spa type relaxing music and had her rooms all decorated in zen images, had tea for patients, and had one of those sand/rock gardens to look out at when waiting. You also had to remove your shoes at the front door and put on slippers. It was really relaxing. And I know that she helped me relax during stimming as well as help my lining get to a good size. She was also able to help me with "the bloat". I love her. But as you regular readers know we moved to a new town. And I really didn't want to drive all the way to my old town just for acupuncture. I found a new practitioner and she is like the best of the other two with a hint of crazy. She is totally old school and uses different guage needles which can sting a little going in but then cause extreme relaxation. She did a lot of needles in my ears to help me deal with my emotions since losing the baby and dealing with IF and it has really helped. I can't explain it properly but it is something like little waves of emotion trickling off and out of me. I feel so much better after her sessions. She has the spa music too, and puts an eye pillow over my eyes during the rest period. It is so wonderful. But it still kind of freaks me out that it is works so well. Yesterday was day 3 of my cycle and she put in way less needles but talked to me about how the body releases tension during menstruation and to just let it out. I found myself crying on the table. It was so weird. And my flow had been sort of on and off before the session but about an hour later it was totally normal. So I think she is some sort of mad genius. I'm glad I found her. And I'm sure she'll help me heal fast from this hopefully last hysteroscopy.

Day 1

2009-06-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

Didn't think I'd be excited as I was to get my period . But I had a tiny feeling of joy, mixed with relief. Only someone who is waiting to cycle understands this weird feeling I'm talking about. To someone in this position, cycle day one is a clean slate. Its the start of a potentially BFPful month. Well that won't be happening to me this month of course. I started BCPs today. Yesterday when I was at the pharmacy I thought for a second to pick up some OPKs because we could potentially have one of those break cycle BFPs. Then I got back to reality. BCPs Betsy. You aren't getting pregnant this month Betsy. You are on the pill again. And you are having surgery that would harm a pregnancy anyway.

I'm still excited to start BCPs again. It means I'm that much closer to my FET. I was also excited to call my RE office to get my hysteroscopy scheduled. I'll hear back in a day or 2 when the surgery will take place. I just want to get this surgery over with so I can concentrate on making my uterus a happy place again. So I have things to look forward to.

I discussed this odd feeling of hope with my therapist yesterday. So yes I did decide to see a therapist. So far I'm not sure that it is helping anything. But I've only been to see her twice and realize that these things should take a long long time to work out. It seems to me that she does quite a bit of the talking. I imagined that she would just ask me lots of questions while I lay on the couch reflecting. Nope. There is a couch. But I just sit on it. I'll keep going. I'm sort of curious to see how much this is going to help me. Anyway, yesterday we discussed how conflicting it is to feel hope for a future pregnancy when I am still grieving the loss of Lydia. The trick is to balance it. And to not feel guilty about feeling hope. This of course is much easier said than done.

Lucky 7's

2009-06-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

MakNow over at Ova-EZ created this tag and I've taken forever to complete it. So here goes.

The rules are to mention the person who tagged you and answer the 7 questios with 7 answers each. Then tag 7 bloggers and let them know they've been tagged.

7 All-time Favorite books:

1. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood

2. The Notebook

3. Harry Potter (i loved all of them)

4. A tree grows in Brooklyn

5. The time traveler's wife

6. The lovely bones

7. The Lord of the Rings (entire trilogy)

7 All-time Favorite Movies

1. Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind

2. The Royal Tennenbaums

3. Being John Malcovich

4. Dirty Dancing

5. Strictly Ballroom

6. When Harry Met Sally

7. My mother's castle/my father's glory (french)

7 Things you must have on your person at all times

1. iphone

2. Wedding Band

3. Keys

4. Hand Cream

5. Nail File

6. lip gloss

7. id

7 Things that make you happy

1. K

2. Bailey

3. Sunshine

4. LOST

5. Roses (on the bush)

6. Reading

7. Hugs

7 Words that best describe you

1. Human

2. Woman

3. Silly

4. Friendly

5. Academic

6. Realist

7. Mother

7 Jobs you wish you could have

1. Mommy (to a living baby)

2. Professor

3. Reproductive Endocrinologist

4. Spy

5. Supermodel

6. Soap Opera Writer

7. Travel Writer

7 Favorite TV shows

1. LOST

2. The young and the restless

3. How I met your Mother

4. Grey's Anatomy

5. 30 Rock

6. Kath and Kim (Australian and American Versions)

7. Gilmore Girls

7 Favorite baby names (male or female o.k.)

1. Lydia

2. Chloe

3. Zoe

4. Ian

5. Jana

6. Owen

7. Penelope (Penny)

7 Websites you check out every day

1. thebump.com

2. gmail.com

3. googlereader

4. higheredjobs.com

5. chronicleofhighered

6. knitty.com

7. soapoperafan.com

I'm tagging........

Everyone. Meaning if you like this tag and want to do it then copy it and paste it, and let me know if you decided to do it so I can see your lucky 7s.

Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist

2009-06-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

My meeting with the MFM went well for the most part. First of all, I was able to tell him what happened to me and Lydia without crying. I was amazed at myself since this is the first time I was able to do that. Well after hearing it all and looking through my records he thinks that even though I could be labeled as a classic IC patient we can't be sure that it wasn't also pre-term later (PTL). Perhaps the contractions happened really quick and caused my cervix to dilate. Or perhaps my cervix opening up caused the contractions. We will never know. But for next time (if we manage to even get pregnant again) I will be getting a cerclage to keep the cervix shut once I make it to 12 weeks, and then I'll take P17 shots weekly starting at 16 weeks to stop PTL. When describing the P17 he was all apologetic because it is a shot and "those are hard". I actually laughed. I reminded him that Lydia was the result of IVF and I had to have shots everyday for weeks and weeks. So a weekly P17 is no big deal. The doctor also suggests that I have weekly cervix checks and will do modified rest depending on how the cervix looks. I plan on doing self imposed modified bedrest regardless. He showed me how the cerclage would be done on this cool little model of the uterus and vagina. Doesn't seem to complicated. And he has been doing them for 18 years. So that made me feel good. When I asked about a TAC (transabominal cerclage) he said that in my case it isn't warranted because I have plenty of cervix. Basically he only recommends TACs to women with little to no cervix left. I'm going to do a little more research on this. I know that he is a highly respected MFM but from what I've heard on the cerclage message boards most doctors do not recommend TACs simply because they don't know enough about them. I do trust this doctor. But he is just a man. And he might not know all there is to know about cerclages. So I'll do a little digging around and see if I can get a second opinion on this just in case.

I did ask him about transferring 2 blasts and he didn't totally agree with my RE that I wouldn't be able to carry a twin pregnancy to term. But he said the chances of going into pre-term labor increase with twins and that I should consider that when deciding how many we want to transfer. I know that Busted (from Busted Babymaker) and some other women out there have had success transferring one so I'm feeling a tad better about it. But just a tad. I'll need to research this some more too.

The last thing we talked about was how long I should wait before TTC. This was the only part of the consult that bugged me. He agreed that 3 months was standard but that I may need more time mentally. I told him that mentally I thought I was getting there and know it will take some time. That I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow, and I'm reading a lot about grief and pregnancy/baby loss (I have a stack of books I'm going through). This blog, others blogs, and message boards are a good outlet for me too. This is what works for me. But he gave me a skeptical look and said "well it best to take some time because the next pregnancy you'll be really anxious". O.K. I get that. Of course I'll be anxious! But I don't think that waiting 6 months instead of 3 is going to stop that anxiety from coming. Whether I get pregnant tomorrow or next year I'll be anxious during the pregnancy. I know myself. And I know that I've waited long enough. I waited for my husband to want to TTC. I waited for the fibroid surgeries. I waited to go to the RE. I waited for IVF. Now I have to wait again. I'm tired of waiting. I want to be a mother to a live baby. I guess this is something to go over with the therapist tomorrow.

The Dish

2009-06-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

So my RE appointment didn't result the way I had hoped. Dr. W and all the staff were as sweet as they always were. Dr. W wanted to give me a hug. We talked for a long time before the sonogram. During the talk she asked me to explain exactly what happened and as I did I started tearing up. She handed me tissue and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. It was so sad. She asked me about my mental state and asked about therapy. I told her how I didn't like the support group and was considering one on one counseling. Turns out she personally knew some of the counselors and told me which ones she thought I would mesh with. Her $.02 was that even if I don't need a counselor now I will most certainly do better to have one when I get pregnant again because I'll be really anxious and that won't be good for me or the baby. So I'm going to give it a try. What have I got to loose. And as many of you suggested I can always quit if I don't like it. So I'm going to call today and try to set up an appointment.

The next part of the conversation was about moving forward and the ease of a FET vs fresh. She said our frozen embryos are excellent quality and assured me that the chances of them not surviving the thaw are slim to none. That the lab is amazing and has 99.9 thaw rate. All the embies are in individual straws and can be thawed one at a time so if per chance the first one didn't make it, the next one would be fine. And I have a bunch (7 I think). So that is a great thing. However, she suggests we only transfer one. That twins OBVIOUSLY wouldn't work because I wouldn't be able to carry them to term. This stung. I don't like the odds of getting pregnant with only one embie. I had 2 transferred last time and only Lydia stuck. So this really scares me. I don't want to go month after month of transferring one and nobody s

ticks. But my RE said that the frozen embies are even stronger maybe than Lydia and her brother/sister embie were because they lasted a day longer etc etc. Whatever. The next part of the conversation really killed me. She wants to do a hysteroscopy (this will be my 4th) to make sure the uterus is totally clean. I know we need to do this. Especially given my history of fibroids and scar tissue. But I don't want to do that again. Dr. W insisted that the multiple hysteroscopies could not have affected my cervix. But I'll always wonder. So on day one of my cycle I am supposed to call her to schedule the surgery and start BCPs. The sonogram showed one good sized follie on my right ovary so that should pop out soon and then my period should follow shortly thereafter. Then it is hysteroscopy, then a month off to heal, then the FET. God this all seems so far away. I have a consult with a MFM on Thursday. Hopefully he'll have some good news for me.

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O.K. so Astrid over at babymaking101 was kind enough to give me the honest scrap award.

Thanks for giving me this honor Astrid. And sorry it has taken me so long to accept it.

The Rules for this award are to write 10 Honest Things about myself. So here it is:

1. I've been watching re-runs of full house during my leave. It is drivel but it makes me happy.

2. I was a mean girl. Yes a mean girl like in the movie. I could write all about the bitchy things I did but then you guys probably wouldn't like me. Let me just say that I changed my wicked ways by senior year.

3. I believe that all of the bad things that have happened to me are a cause of Karma biting back. Why poor K has to be brought down by my bad behavior is the only part I can't account for. So maybe it isn't Karma. Unless he was bad too.

4. I gained ~20lbs last year due to IF. Gross I know. I used to exercise a lot but last year I was so depressed I just stopped working out and when I don't work out I gain weight.

5. I don't think Kate is a monster. I think Jon is a douche and she probably treats him like crap because of his douchyness and she was probably under a crap ton of stress with all those babies to take care of. I give her the benefit of the doubt because she is an IF survivor and therefore my sister.

6. I've been watching the Young and the Restless since I was 9. Still watch everyday (thank goodness for DVRs and online tv).

7. I think I want to be a SAHM. After all this crap if I ever manage to deliver a living baby I don't know that I would want to give up any time with the baby. This after getting a Ph.D might seem crazy but I just think family is the most important thing right now.

8. I hold a grudge

9. I can beat anyone at brickbreaker. I rock.

10. I really can't come up with a 1oth. So there. I'm breaking the rules.

So the other rules that come with receiving this award include giving it to at least 7 other blog writers that you find brilliant in content or design.

* Show the 7 winners’ names on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have been awarded Honest Scrap.

And the winners......in no particular order are:

Ova EZ, Dancing With Gaia, Meinsideout, Inconceivable, O Baby, Bella and Her Fella, and the Infertile Buppie.

my forever child

2009-05-29T08:06:00.000-07:00

I got a beautiful piece of jewelry in the mail yesterday. Forgive my crappy photography. I really couldn't get a good image.
The photo on the left shows one side of the charm that says "Always in my heart" around the circle and then the inner disc says 4/26/09.

The other side (photo on right) has baby footprints on the heart disc and says Lydia Rose around the circle. I love it. This is one of the rare times that I've really loved something I did not see in person before buying since I ordered it online. I found this online jewelry shop called My Forever Child through someone on the babycenter 2nd/3rd trimester lost message board. I would highly recommend this shop to anyone who has someone they want to remember this way. They also have fertility jewelry apparently. So if you are interested check out the link.

I bought supplies two weeks ago to work on a memory box (shadow box) to hold the blanket that I was knitting, the tape measure that they used to measure Lydia, and some other items. We will probably display the finished product in our bedroom if I ever finish it. Crafting usually comes easy to me. But I really want to create something perfect for this. So I've been giving a lot of thought to the design of this box. Whenever I get it done I'll post a photo.

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Today I have an appointment with my RE. I'm nervous to go back to that office. When I left there I was so happy. And when I first went there I was excited. This time I have neither of those feelings. Just nervous anxiety about what she is going to tell me about my stupid uterus. Good thing I have an acupuncture session later in the afternoon to calm me down if it is bad.

1 month

2009-05-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

The little "vacation" was good. It was nice for K and I to have some quality time together. I feel really close to him now. Closer than ever in our relationship. We walked a lot, holding hands tightly and didn't really have to say anything. We were just really connected. So that felt wonderful. We did talk a bunch though at other times. We talked a lot about what we want to do with Lydia's ashes. They should be ready to pick up this week. Initially we had decided to place them in a mausoleum and have a service with our priest. Some of our relatives and my best friend offered to fly in for it. But I feel like that would be odd. They didn't know Lydia like K and I. They wouldn't be remembering her. But they would be supporting us. They've already done that. I don't know, I just feel that it isn't necessary for them to come here. Actually I'm thinking that I might go against the church and scatter her ashes. The thing is K and I don't plan on staying in CA forever. And we don't want to leave Lydia's remains in a place that we may never visit. If we were to scatter her in the ocean, she would be everywhere. All the oceans connect right. So whenever we went to the beach we would feel connected to her. Alternatively we could keep the remains in an urn and then bury them or scatter them wherever we settle for good, hopefully near family. The decision hasn't been made yet. But I suppose we have time. Once we have the ashes they can just be as we come to a decision.

We had really nice meals. I wouldn't say we are foodies, but we do love to eat, and we especially love to try new restaurants. We haven't been eating very well in the past couple of weeks. And haven't gone out to eat either. So the vacation really super charged this feeling in the both of us. So I'm planning to cook some of our favorite meals while I'm still at home.

Well I can't believe its been a month since we lost her. Oddly it feels like time has flown by while standing still. I only have 2 weeks before I have to go back to work. But that is o.k. I'm not afraid to go back to work anymore. It will be good to do science again. Good to use my brain. But I am afraid of the people. That is going to be the hard part.

Progress....well a little bit anyway

2009-05-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I spent some QT with my phone. Now I have appointments set up with my RE, and with a new acupuncturist. I'm supposed to have a sono with the RE to make sure all is good in my uterus (which I highly doubt since I'm prone to scar tissue). I'm betting that I'm going to need another hysteroscopy to clear everything up. But we'll see. I probably should have started going back to acupuncture earlier to help me heal better but I just don't feel like driving back to my old place (in my old town) since there are good IF acupuncturist nearby here. I'm excited to go to the new place. Both appointments are a week from Friday.

I also got to chat with my OB. I was surprised that she called me just to touch base and see how I was doing since our last meeting. She said the spotting should ease up in a week or two which I'll be glad for. This is getting really old. And she is sending me a referral for a perinatologist and suggested that I get in touch with him/her well before I get pregnant again. That works for me. I want to as many smart people working on my case to prevent another loss. My OB said that she'll work together with my RE and Peri and we'll get there. I hope she is right. Either way it is nice to start to put a game plan together. I feel a little in control again.

Tomorrow K and I take off for our would-be babymoon. Le Sigh! I was annoyed when I saw the note on the hotelsdotcom printout where K had requested a King Bed since we were expecting a child. Ughh.

It will be so nice to go away though. I got a couple of cute little summery dresses to wear that don't make me look at all like a pregnant lady. So hopefully we'll have a nice vacation.

Happy Memorial Day everyone.

What constitutes therapy?

2009-05-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking about seeing a therapist. Just thinking. I'm not really sure it is for me. And I'm not really sure it will help me. Do people go to therapy when their parents or spouses die? Why does it seem to everyone that this is something I need to pursue to "get better"? Don't get me wrong, I am considering it. But deep down I feel like I'm doing things that are helping me cope. I walk and play with my dog. He listens to my hopes and fears and doesn't ever judge. I write on this blog. Read and comment on other blogs; and comment on an incompetent cervix message board, and several loss boards. I've been seeing friends (thanks Janessa), and talking to family. Yes I have my occasional freak outs. But for the most part I feel normal. Sad and missing my baby but normal. I go out everyday to run errands and only cry if assy co-irkers aggravate me. And I'm even looking forward to going away this weekend on what was to be our 'babymoon'. Aren't these good things?

The week before last, K and I went to a support group meeting. I did not like it at all. It didn't make me feel any better. In fact it just made me really really sad to hear all the dead baby stories. I think it helped K though. He talked quite a bit during the session. I think it is something that will be helpful to him since he doesn't have access to all the outlets I have (besides the dog). So I will probably go to the one this Wednesday too if he wants to go.

scared

2009-05-14T07:44:00.001-07:00

For some reason last night was really hard for me. Well to tell you the truth most of yesterday was hard for me. I'm not sure why I felt so much worse. But I did.

I started the day out feeling pretty o.k. Unpacked a little and took care of my disability paperwork etc. Emailed my boss and felt connected to the world again. So I decided to go to Target and pick up a few things. While there a work friend called me up to invite me out to lunch or dinner with some of the other ladies who apparently miss me. I told her I didn't think I was ready and then the conversation got weird for me. I know she meant well blah blah blah but I all I heard was judgement and I felt very pressured. "What do you do all day, you shouldn't be alone, you can try again, etc. etc." I burst into tears in the freezer bags aisle. It was awful. I tried to explain that I wasn't ready and that I'd have to call her back and she said how she felt responsible for getting me out and back into the world and how the lab would blame her if I said no. Ughhhh. I hung up. Tried to finish up my shopping and power through. Went to lunch. Did some more shopping. But I just felt off. When I got home I took down the little memory box and looked at Lydia's picture and wept. I tried to keep decorating and crap but I couldn't. I think I must have pushed myself to far. Then when my cell phone rang I noticed it was another work person. I didn't answer.

By the time K got home I was really anxious and couldn't explain why. I told him about the stupid phone call and how it upset me all day. He tried to comfort me. And since the season finale of Lost was on we both felt like I would cheer up. Well I enjoyed the finale. But I still felt uneasy. And when we went to bed I got a little hysterical. It finally came out that I was scared silly. Scared that I'm just not meant to be a mother to a live child. Scared that the endo or fibroids will come back. Scared that my frosties won't survive the thaw process and we'll have to do another fresh IVF and scared that that won't work either. Then I'll be 34 and I never wanted to be an older mom, and we had better start looking at adoption now because I'm never going to be able to do this again. I'm scared that even if I get pregnant I'll have an earlier miscarriage an never make it to get the cerclage. I'm scared the cerclage surgery will hurt me or the baby. I'm scared that it will fail anyway. And if I were to have another late loss how the hell would my sanity survive.

All this came spilling out of my mind and into K's ear. Poor guy. I'm going to drag him down into crazy town with me. He told me that we just have to try and to try to rest. I ended up just watching tv to calm me down enough to sleep. I don't like this feeling.

I missed my daily therapy

2009-05-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

I've been offline for a while due to the move. Didn't realize how much I depend on reading your blogs and going to my favorite message boards. That is my daily therapy. So glad to have the internet back. But I least I had moving as a distraction. I'm so glad I had this to concentrate on. And I'm so glad that here in this new town I'm anonymous. Nobody knows me. Nobody knows I was pregnant. So I don't have to explain and retell the tail. Don't get me wrong. I'm not denying Lydia's existence or anything. I just like that I don't have to cry and explain what happened to her again and again. I wish there were some magic way to fast forward through this. To be back at work, to be trying again. I just hate this place I'm in right now.

Yesterday I saw my nephew over skype. He is a beautiful baby and I just wish I could cuddle him. I know I would be more emotional if I saw him in person but over the computer he just looks like a sweet little guy who needs a hug from auntie Bets. Well maybe it also helps that he is a boy. A girl would probably upset me more.

I hadn't spoken to my SIL at all since Lydia's birth/death. I think she was too scared to talk to me and I know I didn't want to talk to her. Well she was so nice. She practically begged me to just move back home so that they could take care of me. She said she hated that they were so far away during my time of need and I should be with family and had it not been for their baby they would have been here in an instant. We talked about me trying again soon and she said that it would be better for me to be there with them nearby so that if I go on bedrest then it will be more than just K to take care of me. I think she is right. Maybe we should think about this. The reality is that we've been wanted to move for sometime anyway. It is just that life has gotten in the way time and time again. So maybe. Although moving again would be really annoying. I just got everything unpacked. I promise to post some photos later. Something else to do.

Another baby

2009-05-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

My brother's. Born living this morning at 7:03 am EST. I am grateful. Grateful that my nephew is alive and well and that my brother and his wife can enjoy the happiness of their new son. But I'm so sad. I just feel sorry for myself. And I hate myself for this (and I know it is normal....went through a lot of these feelings with IF) but I just don't think it is fair that they get to have this joy and I don't. Now my brother....he is my best friend. He was so understanding with my IF. He was afraid to tell me they were pregnant. He cried on the phone when he told me. He didn't want to hurt me. He always tries to protect me. He cried and cried with me over Lydia's loss. My grief is his grief. He would have come out to be with me but his wife was at the end of her pregnancy so he couldn't leave. He listened to me complain about mom and dad. He agreed with me that they were being assy. He is a good brother. So I shouldn't feel so negative. But I do. It isn't fair. They NEVER HAVE SEX!! They had a 6 month dry spell until my brother begged and his wife finally "gave in" one night. And they got pregnant. One time. One. They haven't had sex since. She never got horny during pregnancy. She doesn't like it I guess. My point is they weren't even trying, never do it, and got pregnant, and now have a live beautiful son. Me and K, we tried for years, I had 3 surgeries, I took clomid, I used OPKs, I took my temp every morning, I did acupuncture, I drank green tea, used pre.seed, did fertility yoga, we had sex all the time. We did IVF!!!! And I have nothing to show for it. Just my tears and heartache. I hate being so conflicted. It hurts. I love my brother more than anything. His joy should be my joy. But I'm so jealous and sad and mad.

I have tell you that I took your advice and emailed my parents exactly what I put in my last post. I think they get it now. But I still haven't had the guts/heart whatever to actually talk to them. They'll be busy with their new live grandchild now anyway. So I can lay low for a bit.

Stages and boxes

2009-05-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

I have no idea when you are supposed to feel the different stages of grief. But I do know that today I'm mad. I'm mad at God. I'm mad at my doctors. And I'm mad at my parents.

I thought my parents would get this. Sadly, they lost my 1 year old sister (born and died before me) due to a choking accident. They know what it is like to lose a baby daughter. Yes it is different. They knew their baby. They had her for a year. But still they know loss. And my stupid dad calls me everyday in his stupid happy singsong voice asking me how I'm doing. How the f do you think I'm doing is what I wish I could say. Instead I just choke out "the same". He sends me retarded emails saying that I'll pick myself up from this just like when I was kid and fell off my bike and just picked myself up and got back on. I'm sorry dad but it doesn't work like that. I just can't get up. I wish I could. This is NOT THE SAME!!! Conversations with my dad are down to about 20 seconds. That is all I can take. Then my mom gets on the phone. She says she wants me not to fade into depression. Excuse me mom. I just lost my baby. Just. I am not depressed. I am in grief. I am in love with a baby who I'll never get to see again. Why can't they just let me get over it in my way. It has only been a frickin week. I just don't get them. And I'm pissed at them. I've never ever raised my voice to my mother like I did during our last conversation. And I don't care if it hurt her. She hurt me when she said I just can't keep on crying all the time. So I told her what you guys have been telling me. I'm allowed to grieve. I'm allowed time. And I don't have time or energy to worry about her or dad's feelings. The only person I can muster up the energy to care for besides me is K. And the rest of my energy goes to Bailey. Thats it. Thats all I have.

K went back to work today so I'm on my own. I'm hoping that the packing will keep my mind busy. One box done so far today.

Parsley, Sage, and Peppermint

2009-04-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

What about the Rosemary and Thyme? Well I guess they aren't useful in drying up mothers milk. But parsley, sage, and peppermint are supposed to do the trick. After complaining to my friend P,(who had over-production of milk) about my giant, milk-filled breasts she suggested these herbs. K went to our local herbalist pharmacy (yes we have those in our town) to see if we could get a tea or oil version of these herbs. But they didn't have them and suggested just boiling down fresh sage and parsley and then steeping in natural peppermint tea. So now I'm drinking this awful concoction to slow the milk production. I cried in the shower this morning when it started to leak out. And it has come in on and off all day, making a spot on my blouse. This is so frustrating. I ended up calling the lactation consultant to ask for help. She promised that the milk should stop by tomorrow because now that I've been engorged for a few days without pumping or breastfeeding my body should realize that there is no baby and stop making milk. So I'll wait until tomorrow. In the meantime I'm to take ad.vil and continue the cold therapy.

I did make it out of the house today. Since we are moving we needed a permit to stop anyone from parking in front of our current house on moving day so the truck has a place. So I went with K to do this since he has been doing EVERYTHING. The not so nice admin person actually told me that I look like I need a nap and that I must be spending too much time packing. I almost smacked her. But she doesn't know. Even still, who says that to someone? Didn't her mother teach her that if she doesn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all? After that K took me to a restaurant to try to get me to eat. I had a little bit. But the food was just not good. At least he ate. One of us has to stay strong. I will eat something. One of our friends sent an edible bouquet. It is really a nice gesture. Some of the fruit is covered in dark chocolate. So I'll go for that first. Nothing like chocolate to mend a broken heart right. And then there is fruit in there so that is healthy. O.K. I actually feel somewhat hungry and this 'tea' is grossing me out so I'm going to go attack the edible bouquet.

Thoughts

2009-04-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed by the thoughts that keep trickling in. Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner? Would it have made a difference? Why did the triage nurse let me keep getting up to use the restroom? I should have been lying down. I was bleeding and cramping for God's sake. Was she some sort of idiot? Why did our baby have to die? Why couldn't I keep her safe? Why do I have to have an abnormal uterus and an incompetent cervix? Will I be able to get pregnant again soon? Will I be able to carry a baby to term?

My MIL who is usually very annoying has been most helpful. She has been very encouraging and saying all the right things. She has been advising me on what to do about the awful breastmilk situation, and how to try to sleep. I'm so thankful for her kind words.

And I'm so thankful for all of your kind words. I just can't believe how much love there is out there. Every nice comment I read and share with my husband. They make us feel just a little bit better. They really do. Friends and strangers alike keep asking what they can do to help. And honestly the greatest help is just the outreach. The comments, prayers, and well-wishes. It all helps. Knowing this now I'm so ashamed for how I once acted. I never understood the pain of pregnancy loss. I was always the one wondering how long it has to take someone to get over it. Maybe that is why I have to suffer this now. To teach me. Maybe. I don't know.

More pain

2009-04-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I woke up with the worst sore pain in my breasts. They are as hard a rocks. Heavy. I'm pretty sure my milk has come in. Milk for Lydia that she may never drink. Milk that I might have to pump to then discard. Why do I have to endure this horror. Hasn't my body betrayed me enough. Why torture me with her milk when you killed her??????

The info from the hospital says to put cold cabbage leaves in my bra. WTF! My husband as put aside some ice packs for me instead. The paper says this may last a week. I do not understand. I do not want to.

She is gone

2009-04-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

My beautiful Lydia Rose is gone. Today is the worst day of my existence. Yesterday I went into pre-term labor, my cervix dialated and my membranes became exposed. They inverted me and tried to different procedures to get the membranes back where they belonged. It obviously didn't work. They left me overnight with the hope that over a few hours everything would shift back up through the cervix. Luckily most of it did and the doctor booked the OR right away. I went under knowing that when I woke up I would either be still with child and with a cerclage, and then strict bedrest. In stead I woke up empty. They brought her to us later. She was beautiful and perfect. I have pictures but I think it would be odd and morbid to post a photo of my daughters corpse.

We are in the midst of grieving now. I don't know how to grieve her. I feel like this is some sick joke. Like she is still inside of me wiggling around. Not sure what to do now. Sleep maybe.

Look what I got

2009-04-24T07:35:00.001-07:00

Aren't these cards beautiful? It's the card that keeps on giving. 5 cards in one. I don't know if I can ever part with it (them). These were handmade by Alicia for Pay it Forward. Thanks so much Alicia.

Now when I first advertised pay it forward I got a few responses but the commenters did not leave their addresses at my gmail account. And now that I got my gift I really want to pay it forward. So if anyone wants to participate just let me know. I promise to knit you up something wicked awesome. Come on...who doesn't want cool gifts from your blogger friends?

Isn't she lovely

2009-04-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Can you make out her pretty little nose and mouth? Now that I know we are having a little girl I keep dreaming of all the sweet little girly things she'll do, cute outfits to dress her in, pretty ways to do her hair (please God let her have inherited K's hair because it is so much nicer than mine). Our parents were thrilled. My mom in particular because she guessed it was a girl while my dad guessed boy. She kept taunting him that she was right and he was wrong. Well besides that they were so happy to be having another granddaughter. K's parents were just as excited. She will be the first granddaughter and they are psyched to have one of each now. And my MIL is already picking out pink dresses for her. I hope she likes pink because I'm sure she'll get a lot of it. If she is anything like me she'll hate pink and all things girly. Well until she hits her teens. Then daddy better hide the credit cards.

Well here is my first official purchase for the baby (I'm not counting the onesie and lullabye cd I bought last year on a whim). Well it is really for me. I'm a huge purse girl. Some girls like shoes (see Alicia's blog). I like bags. So of course I had to get a cute diaper bag. I didn't even have to splurge. I got this one through the PPB company outlet store sale. So it was a great deal. Even K was pleased because he is used to me spending what he would call "too much" on bags. So everyone is happy.

better

2009-04-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Actually much much better. We had our big ultrasound today. And guess what??????????? Our baby has none of the markers for downs. Woot woot. The perinatal specialist told us that we shouldn't really worry about that anymore (not that we were). But it is nice to hear that from a doctor. Our baby has a normal and strong heart. Normal kidneys. Normal lips and nose. Five fingers on at least one hand (couldn't see the other). Oh yeah and did I mention that the baby also has a normal vagina!!!! IT'S A GIRL!!!!

We are so excited. We will tell our parents over the phone together. I didn't think it would be this thrilling. I can tell we are going to be over the moon for this little girl. She was soooo very uncooperative during the scan. The u/s tech had to keep poking and proding at my belly to get the baby to change positions. She was just about to tell us we were going to have to reschedule when the baby turned and showed us the goods. Just like mom, she waits until she really has to do something to do it. Both the tech and the doctor predicted girl so

Oh and here is my better version of her baby blanket. The cables are coming along beautifully.

We got ours first

2009-04-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

So the Pres and his family finally got their Porty (Portuguese Water Dog). I'm so excited for them. They couldn't have asked for a better breed. But I'm biased. My lovebug Bailey is a Porty and is pretty fantastic. We are so glad that the Ob.ama's got a porty because we are so tired of people asking if B is a standard poodle. Here is the thing folks, just because he has curly hair it doesn't make him a poodle. Poodles have pointy muzzles. Portys have short square muzzles. Also they are shorter and stockier than Poodles too. So we are hoping that the new first dog will bring some well deserved attention to the breed so no one will confuse B with a poodle again. I also have to add that I find it totally amusing that they got the puppy from Senator Kennedy and not from a shelter. I think it was absurd for the pres to think he'd get a hypo-allergenic mutt. Obviously he doesn't know dogs. We have nothing against mixed breed dogs by the way. My family has owned 4. But K is deathly allergic. So we needed a truly hypoallergenic dog. And you can only get that from a breeder! Apparently the animal rights folks are pissed at the pres for not getting a shelter dog as promised. So he donated a chunk of cash to the A.S.P.C.A. Good for him. But still, I find it amusing.

Here is my 19 week belly shot in my Easter dress. After I got my communion at mass a woman reached out and touched my belly. I was surprised and wanted to ask "do I know you?" But I had to walk back to my pew. So I guess the belly touches from strangers has begun.

Starting Over

2009-04-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

So as promised here is a photo of the progress on my baby blanket.

I really haven't gotten very far. But I had got to the point where the yarn starts to flow and feel really good as it it creates the fabric. Well unfortunately I was feeling that I screwed up somewhere along the line and kept trying to tell myself that I could fix it and it wouldn't show. But it would. It did. So I had to frog it (rip it up to you non-knitters). I hate frogging. Breaks my heart to loose all that work. But it would not have been worth it to make a halfassed blanket.

I've started over. Hopefully take 2 will work out better.

We found a house

2009-04-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited. After visiting lots of crappy places, and losing out on a few really nice places we finally lucked into a great house. Its a 3 bed/2bath single family. So no more loud downstairs neighbors. And no more having to wait to use the bathroom. Yay. And there is a yard for Bailey. He is going to be so excited.

Actually Bailey is probably the reason that we got the place. We happened to bring him along with us for this viewing and decided to walk him around the neighborhood which includes a nice park (although on-leash only). He loved it. And he really liked the park. We cheated and let him off leash for a bit. We have total control of him as long as we have a tennis ball. So we felt o.k. and he did great. Anyway, upon meeting the landlady and chatting her up I told her that we would be sharing the house with our wonder dog and asked if she wanted to meet him to see that he would be a good renter. Well she loved him. He is so cute he could charm the pants off anyone and usually does. I'm not exaggerating when I say that people stop us in the street on a daily basis to look at him and comment on his god looks. Well we were also glad that we had tossed the ball around with him right before meeting the landlady because he was worn out he must have seemed like a very good dog and not the high energy spaz that he really is. So hooray for Bailey. And hooray for the new place.

Now I can start thinking of nursery decor. Yippee.

Heaven is.....

2009-04-03T17:30:00.001-07:00

1. Reconnecting with an old friend on face.book who understands the cravings of a Masshole stuck in CA, who is also pregnant and in dire needs of hometown cuisine, so sends me this wonderful package2. In the package is the food of gods (at least in my book), Dunkin.D's blueberry muffins......3. Eating one of the aforementioned muffins!!!!!!

4. Making our first major baby purchase. K and I picked up our brand new hybrid crossover SUV last weekend. I took a picture from our deck so you could see the awesome moonroof. I love it so much. It has lots of room for the baby, the grandparents, and Bailey. Now I just have to order one of those cargo screen thingys to keep Bailey safe in the cargo area. I know if we just let him in the back he'll just jump over the seats until he can snuggle down in the nice new leather of the back seats. So he isn't allowed in the car until the screen thing is installed so he can learn that the way back is going to be his area. I've named my new car Sparkle Bright since it is white sparkly metallic color (too bad you can't tell from the photo). And I've named the kind female voice who tells us which way to turn to get to our destination Tina Sparkle. Any Strictly Ballroom fans should get the reference.

Oh and since I've been really bad at keeping up with this in the last few weeks here is my 18 week belly shot. This is probably the last one from this angle because K has promised to start taking the photos for me. So the photos will be more regular and much better I'm sure.

Thanks for all the comments

2009-03-30T09:57:00.001-07:00

We talked about it in some detail and thought about all your comments and K and I decided not to do the amnio. He is better at numbers than me. He calculated (in about 10 seconds in his head) that our stats still give us less than 1% chance of having a downs baby. So we are going with our guts and faith that our little one is just fine. And since there is no chance that I would terminate the pregnancy even if the amnio results said for sure the baby would have special needs we figured what is the point. I don't want to risk a miscarriage just to know. And as I said, K's family has already had a downs person and they know what it is like. We could manage if needed. The family would be there for help and advice. But given the odds we feel like the chances are low. Maybe not as low as everyone else in my age group, but low none the less.

I'm in a much better place today. Back to thinking of names and being happy about the flutters. You guys are the best. Thank you thank you.

I'm not good with numbers

2009-03-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

They were never my friends. You may find this odd given the fact that I'm a scientist with a Ph.D. However, my degree is in natural science and the math I use daily is basic algebra. I can handle that. Anyway, an introduction to my difficulty in math is not the point of this post. It is just how much numbers can screw with me. Especially in light of my pregnancy.

To this point things have not been easy. Not counting the last few weeks when everything seemed to be going smoothly, this has not been easy. Long time readers know what it took to get me to this point. And then once I got pregnant the beta numbers were super low. They divided properly but my doctor felt like we would lose the pregnancy and would not get behind it until the 6 week ultrasound when everything looked o.k. on the screen. Then my progesterone levels were low. Even on PIO shots, I had to start taking vaginal supplements as well because my numbers were low. For the first 10 weeks I lived in fear that the next ultrasound would show no heartbeat. That the spotting episodes were precursors to a miscarriage. I didn't even admit it hear. But I was terrified!

So for the last few weeks I've been happy. Excited about the baby, thrilled with her/his little movements, longing to hold him/her in my arms. But today the fear came back.

We decided to the quad screen because K's aunt had down's syndrome. His grandma was older when she had Auntie Edna so we hoped that was the reason. But just in case we decided to do the more thorough screen to give us peace of mind. The nuchal test showed little to no chance of downs. We were thrilled. But this morning my OB called me and I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was wrong. It seems once they added in the bloodwork my overall chance of having a down's baby is 1:200. O.K. now that isn't bad if you think about the chance. But it is bad considering that in my age group the normal range is 1:420. That scares the hell out of me. But even more scary is the fact that we have a 1:300 chance of having trisomy 18. The norm for my age group is 1:1000. What??????????? I was fine on the phone with the OB. She said I should think about doing an amnio for peace of mind and to remember that the quad screen is a risk assessment and not a diagnosis. But how can I do that. Especially given that so far nothing about this has been easy. But then I try to think of the numbers again. Numbers wise (not comparing to my age group), the risk doesn't seem that great. It wasn't like I was given a 1:50 chance for either disability. Right? Am I thinking about this right? I told you I suck at math. And then I think, well with my early beta numbers all the doctors in my RE practice thought that I would lose the pregnancy. And I'm 17 weeks now. So..... how can I trust these numbers. Numbers don't like me. And I don't like them.

K doesn't want to risk doing an amnio. I'm not sure I want to either. But do I really want to just worry until September. Can I stand it? What would you do?

I can feel her

2009-03-24T07:44:00.001-07:00

or him. OMG OMG OMG.

I seriously don't want to go to work today. I want to lay in bed so I can pay attention to the little water ballet going on inside of me. I noticed it a few days ago but didn't think much of it. It comes and goes. Then yesterday at work I described the sensation I'm feeling to a friend who has a 1 year old and she was like "yep, thats the baby moving". I was/am so thrilled.

And early this morning (around 4) I woke up to pee and when I got back to bed and settled in I could feel it again. I didn't want to fall back asleep. I just wanted to be present in that exciting moment. So now I'm anxious to feel it again. Anxious to feel more distinguished movements.

I LOVE PREGNANCY!!! I LOVE OUR BABY!!!!

A wicked awesome date

2009-03-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

So I think I forgot to mention the K and I had the most incredible date night last weekend. We went to see W.I.C.K.E.D. in San Francisco. It was so amazing. We've been to a lot of shows but have always had sort of crappy seats. So K splurged (the tickets were actually my birthday gift) and got us great seats where we could see everything. Front row center of the balcony! And oddly enough there were 4 empty seats just inside of our row. At the end of act one I heard some folks behind us talking about ditching their seats and taking the empties next to us. I was so annoyed. For some reason I can't stand when people so stuff like that. They didn't buy those seats. They didn't deserve the spectacular view. And who sneaks into seats at the theater. Come on. Well of course they did. Once act 2 started, they waited of course for the show to begin and the lights to dim. Then they came out of nowhere, disrupting everyone to get those seats. I almost didn't let them but I didn't want to make a scene. Where are the ushers when you need them?

Changing gears..........

I finally outed myself as an IVF patient. Well I did tell one other close childhood friend over email before we did the cycle. But this time I outed myself over the phone. So much drama. My friend Kristen who I've known for about 20 years now called to congratulate me and I let it all out. But truthfully I had an agenda. Please don't judge!!! O.K. hear is the scoop. I have had my suspicions for years that Kristen had fertility issues. She always said she wanted kids and got married at 21 because she wanted to be a young mother. Well once we hit 30 and all the rest of our friends started having kids I started to wonder if she was screwed up like me. But we never discussed it. We always talked about meaningless crap. Even more reason that I was suspicious. Anyway, her brother and my brother are best friends and both of them thought the same thing too. They came to the conclusions on their own and tried to get me to talk to her to find out why she had been very depressed as of late. Of course I would never do that. I would want her to have her space to deal with things on her own and come to me if she needed and decided on her own. And of course the 3 of us could have been wrong. She could have changed her mind about having children. You never know. So I never asked. But once she called me I just let it all out. Told her about my whole 2 year struggle and the surgeries and the treatments. She was so understanding and sweet and I immediately wished that I had unloaded on her earlier. But I still thought in the back of my mind that since I was sharing all of this stuff she might tell me what is going on with her. Nothing! I got nothing! So maybe I am wrong. I hope to God I am. I wouldn't wish IF on my worst enemy let alone my dear friend. Well whatever it is that is hurting her I hope she opens up to someone. In the meantime I'm keeping my arms open for her in case that person is me.

I'm still here

2009-03-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm just the worst blogger these days. I remember when I first started this blog and it was such a great outlet for venting and I had a lot to vent about so I posted a ton. But now that I don't have a lot to vent about I'm just not as into it. But that bothers me too. I always kept journals and love looking back at them. So I'm going to look at this blog as just that. A journal of my life right now. And now that I have my energy back I have no excuses. So I'm going to be better about blogging.

So here is a little update. I'm 15 weeks. And I for sure have more than a pooch. I'm enjoying it. But because it was time and because I really can't hide my belly for much more I told my boss and few people at work. It is so nice to be "out". But my boss who is not a kid person did not say congrats. He said "well I hear that thats a good thing". What an ass. I was expecting something like that from him though so I wasn't offended.

I'm also going to be better about knitting. I can't believe that I bought yarn for my first baby blanket (for my own baby) almost 7 weeks ago and have only done a few inches. So pathetic. So I'm going to get my butt in gear and go back to my old lady knitting group. Yes old ladies. I love them. It is like I have 10 grandmas who are all awesome knitters. I haven't told them about the baby yet and I'm sure they'll all be over the moon. So I'll be posting pictures of my progress here. Here is the 1st and most pathetic one.

I'm also going back to working out. I'm signing up for pre-natal yoga this week and I can't wait to start. The only exercise I've been getting since before IVF is walking Bailey. And that really shouldn't count as exercise.

Really Fun Sonogram

2009-03-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I had my NT scan and K came along with me. He hadn't seen the baby on-screen since the 1st ultrasound at 6 weeks when all we could see was a sac and fetal pole. This time he got to see the baby wiggling all over the place, tossing and turning, putting its little hands on its head. And he got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. A strong 150bpm. He couldn't believe how awesome it sounded. We could clearly see the spine, legs, little mouth, and little arms. We were both pretty elated. It was kind of easy to forget why we were there. I'm young (if you can call 33 young-blah) so the chances of a problem are low, but K's aunt on his dad's side had downs syndrome. His grandma was older when she gave birth to Aunt Edna so that could have been the reason but you never know. We would rather be prepared if there were to be a problem.

The only part I didn't like was the picture. All my other ultrasound images were so clear. She printed out jpegs on regular paper so the images are really blurry. And I'm doing the integrated screen so I have some additional bloodwork to do in a few weeks, and then another ultrasound at 20 weeks. I think that is the one where we can find out the sex so we are trying to decide if that is something we really want to do.

moving forward

2009-03-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

So today I did something I haven't been able to do in a very long time. I went to a 2 year olds birthday party. O.K. so anyone who has been following this blog knows that I got to be kind of emotional in the last year. All (and I mean every last one) of my friends has had a baby in this time and I felt so left out and so bitter that I wasn't pregnant or had my own baby. So I could only see my friends 1 or 2 at a time. I just couldn't handle being around all the mommies and babies and everyone asking when we were going to try to have one. My husband became very good at telling our friends "reasons" why I couldn't make it to the occasion. So today I felt really good. Really proud of myself for finally attending. But I know it isn't like I've made some emotional break-through. It is just that I finally feel like I fit in. We haven't told them all yet. But just knowing that we have a child growing inside me makes me feel normal again. And I also know that if I had been at that party just a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

The other thing we did today was look at houses. Not to buy. If all goes as planned I'll have a job offer at some University or College closer to family in the next year so we'll be moving out of state at some point. Therefore we are looking at rentals. We would stay in our current house. We love the neighborhood, our neighbors, and the close proximity to work. But we hate the noise factor, we hate that Bailey doesn't have a yard to play around in, and we hate the size. Our place is just too small to add a baby and all the things we want for our baby. So we checked out a few houses that we sort of liked. They are a lot farther away from work. But it will be worth it for the space. The one we saw today had a large fenced-in yard with an orange tree, a lemon tree, and a magnolia. I loved it. But I wasn't so much in love with the house. It didn't come with a fridge (although we wouldn't be opposed to buying a nice new one which we would just take with us to wherever we move eventually. And it only had washer dryer hook-ups. So we'd have to buy those too. Again we wouldn't mind buying those items either. Actually I've been lusting over those electrolux beauties that have Kelly Ripa in the commercial. So I guess that could be o.k. But we have to think about it and figure out how many more places we want to look at. So far we've seen 4 houses and we like them all equally. Hopefully this wont be that long a process. We'll probably make some decisions over dinner tonight.

12 Weeks

2009-02-19T18:01:00.000-08:00

So my belly doesn't really look to much bigger than 2 weeks ago. But my boobs are a different story. The one thing I've wanted from this besides a beautiful baby is bigger boobs. My mom promised me that once I had a baby they would grow when I was a sad sac 14 year old with an A cup. When I went on the pill I went up to a B cup and have been pretty satisfied but once I got pregnant I started to get excited with the prospect of finally getting some curves. Geeze I still sound like a 14 year old for crying out loud.

So I had my first visit with m actual OB and she was really really nice. She did the ultrasound and said everything looks perfect. That of course made me really happy and excited. And the best part is that my baby actually looks like a baby.

I think s/he is pretty darn cute. So the next time we see the baby will be at the NT scan. I'm going to do the integrated screening because my OB said it has less false positives. I figure it can't hurt and neither test hurts the baby so we are excited to do it.

Pay it forward

2009-02-16T10:16:00.001-08:00

So my friend Alicia is working on this awesome blog phenomenon that involves reaching out and sending crafty handmade gifts to each other. So this is how it works:

Two of my lucky readers who leave a comment on this post will receive a handmade gift from me within the next 365 days (i will do my absolute best to get the gifts out sooner than this). But whoever wins.... well they have to be willing to do the same for their readers. Any kind of craft works. A knitted item, a mini-scrapbook, anything made with your own 2 hands.

If you are a lucky winner, you'll get a hand-knit item from me.

You don't have to be a winner here to play. If you want to participate in Pay it forward then just leave me your email address in your post so I can give you the rules.

10 weeks

2009-02-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

So a picture says 1000 words right. This one sure says alot. Like where did this bump come from so soon? I wish I had been taking belly shots since I first found out I was pregnant so you could all see that this isn't just the result of one too many grilled cheeses. But more importantly, the picture is probably making you ask how could she let her bathroom mirror get so dirty. I'm just so tired all the time I haven't had a chance to clean. This is embarrassing for me because I take a lot of pride in having a clean house. My husband has been great about doing the laundry and tidying up but he is not good about the details. Hence the spots on the mirror. One of my best friends is visiting this weekend so I have to do a major clean. I guess I'll start in the bathroom.

Oh and she is coming from the East Coast so I'm going to make her pack some DD muffins for me. My brother did agree to ship me some after making fun of me for about 10 minutes. But he didn't want to pay fedex so he is doing priority mail. That means I have to wait for a few days for my muffins. So it is great timing that my friend is coming Saturday.

My other news is that I get to stop all drugs. So no more yucky prometrium vaginal suppository and no more estrace. I will not miss either of them. Hopefully the baby won't either. I hate taking the drugs but I worry that (s)he still needs the extra hormones. But hey, I totally trust my RE so if she thinks it is fine then I won't waste another thought on the subject.

I have my first regular OB appointment on Tuesday and I'm looking forward to it. Now I just have to fill out the pile of paperwork they sent me in the mail. Le sigh. Maybe I'll just take a little nap first.

Bad Cravings

2009-02-04T10:14:00.000-08:00

I really really really want a Dunkin' Donuts blueberry muffin right now. Not a bakery blueberry muffin. Not homemade. Dunkin' Donuts blueberry muffin is exactly what I need. But I live in NorCal. There isn't a Dunkin's anywhere around here. I don't even think they are available in this whole state. Crap. I wonder if my brother would be willing to fedex me one from Boston. In Massachusetts there is a DD's on every block for crying out loud. O.K. this is serious. I'm calling my brother now.

My 2cents on the Octuplets

2009-01-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that of course I don't begrudge anyone the right to have as many children as they desire. If your goal in life is to mother and be a mother then go for it.

But the story of this woman who gave birth to 8 babies astounds me. And it annoys me because it is making ART look bad. When this woman's mother goes on television stating that her daughter underwent fertility treatments everyone just assumes that it means she had IVF. Ummmm I don't think so. IVF costs thousands of dollars. This woman has no insurance and with 6 other children at home I doubt she could scrounge up the money to do IVF. But lets say she somehow got the money. Took out a loan or something. There is no doctor in the USA who is going to put in 8 embryos. And I doubt that they would have put in four and they all split. It just doesn't happen. My doctor didn't even want to put in 3. And she counseled me repeatedly about selective reduction. I knew that I would not reduce, not in a million years. So I agreed that we would only put in 2 embryos.

So no I don't think she had IVF. She could have had an IUI. Maybe she took clomid, maybe she got her hands on an injectible. But I think any doctor worth their salt would have cancelled her cycle if they saw the 8 follicles. Or they would have tried to convert her to IVF, but you read my thoughts on that already.

With all that I don't think she had the help of a fertility doctor. I think she got her hands on clomid or follistim and took it on her own. She maybe could buy some illegally on the internet, or in Mexico or something. And then I think she went and had a lot of sex. She probably just wants her own reality tv show like the duggars or john and kate plus 8. But I don't know this. Maybe she just wanted a 7th child desperately.

It doesn't really matter how she did it. Or why. I'm just pissed at the bad publicity that ART is getting from this. It just gives the jerks out there more ammunition to disregard the pain and heartache of infertility and worry about people like this woman and her 14 kids.

***********

o.k. on to nicer topics. Marcu over at Womb for Rent gave me a blog award. The coveted I 3> your blog award in fact. And I thank her some much for the acknowledgement. I feel extra special because I've received this award previously. And actually already followed the award rules of choosing other blogs to give the award to etc. So I don't want to do that all over again. But I do however want to recommend you guys go over and visit Womb for Rent. It is one of my favorites and I'm sure you'll enjoy it too.

I graduated

2009-01-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

So much happened at my 8 week appointment. First of all the baby is growing beautifully and we could clearly see the four chambers of the heart and the umbilical cord and her little arm buds. So so cute. The photo just does not do it justice.

My RE also found something called a subchorionic hemorrhage. It is not on the same side as the placenta and was already clotting so she said it was o.k. and that they are pretty common. But to take it easy just to give it time to keep clotting and healing itself.

And then the piece de resistance. She said no more progesterone shots. YAYYYYYYY! Oh I was so happy to hear that. My levels from my bloodtest the day before showed that I'm fine to stop the injections. But she has me doing vaginal inserts for a few more weeks. I can handle that. My poor butt is killing me and is so happy to not have to be poked at every day. And K is so happy not to have to administer those shots. And no more baby aspirin either. Just have to stick with the estradiol.

So at the end of the appointment my RE said "Well you've graduated. There is no need for me to see you anymore." So I hugged my IVF nurse coordinator, the doctor, and a few more nurses. They were all so sweet to me and made me promise to come back to show them my big belly and then the baby. Of course I will. I've shed so many tears in that office and there was always someone to hand me tissue and pat my back. And they were all pulling for me with the low beta numbers issue. So it will be hard to leave them behind. Hard to go to a new practice where I know the level of care just can't ever compare. But it is good to know that I'm sort of now a "regular patient". They don't stamp infertility on my flex spending receipts anymore. And I only had to pay the regular $20 copay for my last few visits because I was pregnant. It all switched just like that.

Exhaustion Continues

2009-01-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend I spent most of my time sleeping. I wake up early, take Bailey for his walk, and then when I get home and eat breakfast I'm ready for a nap. No kidding. During the week of course I can't nap in the morning. I have to get ready for work. But on the weekends I just indulge myself and sleep. So I napped after breakfast. And then again in the afternoon. I did this on Saturday and Sunday.

But this morning I stayed in partly because the nausea is really bad, and partly because I wanted to watch the inauguration. Now the inauguration is done, but I'm still feeling gross. And I have a lunch date with my friend Beth. So I better rally and try to get into work. I've got some ginger candy to munch on. I hope that helps.

One last thought. So it seems that I keep referring to our baby as a boy. K keeps on referring to the baby as a girl and keeps throwing out girl names. I really have no feeling whatsoever about the sex, but I guess subconsciously I think it is a boy. My brother is hoping that it is a boy because he just found out that his child that is due in May is a boy and he has all these plans to form this mini-football team. Too cute. Of course little girls can play football too. So it doesn't matter. Boy or Girl. We are thrilled.

7 weeks today

2009-01-15T08:27:00.000-08:00

And we have a strong beautiful heartbeat. I went to the RE on Tuesday afternoon for my 2nd ultrasound and was so very nervous. I kept having this stupid feeling that the baby was just gonna not be there. I don't know where it would be but it doesn't matter. He was there. And his little heart beats 120 bpm.

So at first my RE pointed out the little flicker flicker of the heart and I was just overjoyed. It was amazing. But then she turned on the sound and hearing the little whoosh whoosh whoosh of the heartbeat I just about about fell off the table. At that moment I was in love. There is just nothing like it in the world.

My RE was so happy that she hugged me. She was really worried since my betas started off so slow and said that the doctors in her practice were all discussing me in their weekly meeting because they had only had one other patient start off so slow. She did have a healthy baby and her 1st beta was 10. Well mine was 14. And They did do mine a day early due to Christmas so it really would have been around 20. The point I'm trying to make is that now they can add my numbers to the data set and change those means so they don't have to worry if this happens to another patient. I'm always about the science.

All the admin ladies were so cute and excited for me. I just love them all so much. They were like "don't forget us." Are you kidding me. How could I ever.

My RE gave me a referral for one OB that is nearby. And a fact sheet on prenatal genetic screening that needs to be done around 12 weeks. Fun stuff.

Well sorry for all the delays in posts. I'm just totally exhausted these days. I can barely get everything done at work. It is so sad. But worth it of course. Especially since I'm not puking. My nausea is pretty mild and seems to disappear if I eat. So I try to stay on top of it. So I'll take exhaustion. It is workable. My other major symptom is heartburn. It is so not fun. And lastly....constipation. This seems odd to me since I'm drinking so much water. I can't get enough water I'm always thirsty. But I'm still having trouble in that department. So I'm gonna try adding some more fiber to my diet.

One more thing and then I'd better leave for work. My moratoreum on knitting baby stuff is over. Yesterday I met up with Janessa and bought yarn for a gorgeous baby blanket. We'll see when I actually have enough energy to work on said blanket. But I have the yarn and supplies ready. I'll show photos when I've made some progress.

6 weeks and 1 day pregnant

2009-01-09T08:22:00.000-08:00

Yay. I love writing that.

So we had our first ultrasound yesterday morning. I was so very nervous before hand. I tried to convince myself it was just routine and I would be fine no matter what. But of course that wasn't true. I needed clear evidence that the baby was developing normally and was in the right location (yes I was still a tad nervous that it would be ectopic). Well it was. There was one little fetal sac, with the yolk sac measuring 3 mm which is totally normal. My RE was so happy. It was too early to see the heartbeat so we are going back next week. I can't wait to see my little one again. It was just so cute. Like a little gummy bear. My RE said to think about OBs. I was shocked. I really hadn't thought that far ahead. The goal for so long was to get pregnant. So now we have to think of OBs and Hospitals. Oh gosh. My husband got into a long discussion with my RE about level 3 hospitals and all sorts of stuff I had no clue about. It was cute that he had done a little research and knew so much more than me. My RE was impressed too.

Beta more than doubled!!!!

2009-01-02T20:31:00.000-08:00

So my RE is happy. And I'm happy. And my husband is relieved. My first ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday. I am in shock. I really had checked out of this one. So I thank everyone who kept hope alive, sent positive thoughts, and prayed for me. I still don't feel like I can relax about this pregnancy. But I do feel more like I did when I got the initial call on Christmas Eve that I was pregnant. There is more joy than fear.

Still Pregnant.

2009-01-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

As of right now. My betas are still doubling. I can see two lines on the HPTs I bought. But the beta numbers are too low for any kind of comfort. My RE eluded to the fact that this pregnancy is not viable. This morning I go in for a 4th and final beta. I don't know what they are hoping for. The numbers haven't jumped off the page yet so why bother testing one more time.

The fact of the matter is that I've already moved on. My husband is surprised at how well I'm taking it. I think my positive attitude stems from two things. 1. I was able to get pregnant. My uterus is not the barren wasteland it once was. This embryo just isn't the one. It just isn't strong enough. But..... 2. We have 7 frozen embryos. 7 waiting to be given the chance to become our children. Those embryos made it to a day 6 freeze so we know they are strong. If they can survive the thaw process then we are good to go. And we are going to have 3 put in. So as long as I can start the FET right away I have no worries. I've been doing this for too long to get upset over this. My body is ready. My embies are waiting. It will be o.k.

Feeling Positive Today

2008-12-29T10:42:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who made me feel better about my low betas. Especially militarywife who I got to meet last night for the first time. Your positive vibes have done wonders for my psyche. I don't know what I would do without this great community of women. Thank you thank you thank you.

I went to a couple of different websites and they all show that my betas are adequate even though on the lower side. So I am feeling much better about this pregnancy. In fact as I write this I'm all crampy (which I hear is a good symptom) so I feel like that is a good sign that the baby is growing. So I think we'll be fine on Wednesday. Everyone here feels good about the baby too. We hadn't planned on announcing anything since we weren't sure. But my Mother in law guessed that I was pregnant since I wasn't having any coffee (which is usually a staple for me). We were sitting around chatting at the kitchen table and she was working on a sudoku puzzle. She said "Betsy I just have to ask you something but I'm gonna write it down o.k." So I was like what is this 9th grade. When she scribbled are you pregnant I was shocked. I really didn't know how she could of guessed. I answered maybe and explained why I wasn't too excited. I was practically in tears but of course she was ecstatic. She said the same thing you all said. As long as it doubled that is good enough for her to think we are o.k. I told her that she wasn't allowed to say anything to anyone else in the family. But then the following day, my sister in law asked me if I was pregnant because she noticed I hadn't been drinking. We have 3-4 types of wine on Christmas and usually I love to partake. So I guess it was kind of obvious to anyone who paid any attention. So we ended up telling her and my father in law. It is killing me not to tell the grandparents though. It would be wonderful to tell them in person. But you guys know how it is. Anyway I'm a little sad that we couldn't do something cute to tell them. But there is still my parents. They knew every last detail of the IVF stuff and are just waiting to hear from me. I know they must be anxious. So I will think of some cute way to tell them. They live overseas so we have to tell them via skype.

Today is our last full day in Denver and we are going to hit the malls to see if we can get some other deals. We are also going to my Brother in laws house to spend some quality time with our newborn nephew. The next time we see him he'll look completely different so we wanna take in all the sweet new babyness now. How exciting that he'll have a cousin so close in age.

Can nothing about this process be easy?

2008-12-26T17:30:00.000-08:00

So I had beta number 2 today. And it did double. Thank God for that. However my numbers are really low. It is only 30. That is not good. I have a third beta scheduled for Wednesday when I get home. But for now I'm still at my inlaws and everyone is driving me crazy because there is a newborn here and my mother in law and father in law are going gaga over our new nephew. They have every right to. And the kid is pretty darn cute. But we can't announce our news because right now we still do not know if everything will be o.k. This pregnancy at this point is not strong. I'm praying hard that my baby decides to stick around for the long haul. But you never know.

Guess I'll have to change the title of this blog

2008-12-24T13:49:00.000-08:00

Because I'm PREGNANT!!!! We found out yesterday as the on call RE called my cell phone with the news as we were headed out the door to the airport. I almost peed my pants. I tried to do a quick update from my iphone yesterday but couldn't figure out how to post. So here it is a day late. This is the best Christmas present I've ever gotten.

I have to do a second beta somewhere in Denver tomorrow. Hopefully we'll be able to find a lab corps here. Does anyone know of one?

Merry Christmas Girls and Happy Hannukah. I hope you all have a beautiful and blessed day today.

Dear Stick and Attachy

2008-12-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to let you know how happy daddy and I will be if you decided to stay with us. We'll know tomorrow when I get my blood test and I am anxious to find out. But deep down I feel like you are still with us. That you are comfy cozy and growing strong. We love you so much already. Even it it is silly. Even if you decided not to hang around. We still love you. We always will.

My Silver Lining and 5dp5dt

2008-12-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

So Andrea over at Bella and Her Fella gave me the Every Uterus Has a Silver Lining Award. This award is supposed to be spread to blogs that make you smile. I have so many that I would like to share this with. So here are the awardees

Maria Luisa @The worms

Peachy at Peachy does IVF

Sweet Georgia at none in the oven

and LilF at Yes I tried that too

If you are visiting here from ICLW I highly recommend visiting the awardees.

Also for visitors I would like to give a some background and update.

I'm a fibroid survivor. They are the main cause of my IF. I've had 3 surgeries to remove the fibroids and scar tissues. Now my uterus is free and clear and is hopefully housing a couple of beautiful embryos that we transferred on Tuesday via In Vitro Fertilization. I have my beta on Wednesday. And of course Wednesday is Christmas Eve. And we are taking the test right before we get on a flight to visit my husbands family. So this could be a really great Christmas or a really crummy one. But I think it is going to happy. I feel really positive that the baby/babies are snug and sticking around for the next 9 months.

Step 5

2008-12-16T16:19:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here a pregnant woman. I mean, having embabies in utero =pregnant in my book. My transfer was a success. Two perfect blastocysts (sticky mcstickerson and attachy) are now home. I have a picture of them but DH took it with him when he left the clinic. So I'll have to scan it in later to share.

So here is the low down. I went in a met the acupuncturist for me pre-transfer treatment and as I was taking off the fertility socks

I remembered that I hadn't filled my bladder. Crap. Luckily I was there early for the acupuncture so I was able to down a couple of glasses of water before acu and then one after. This treatment was different than normal. No needles in the belly and a few in the ears. Those ones kind of hurt for a sec. But I felt peaceful and my pulse was perfect after. Then I was brought back to the transfer room and the tech attempted to find my uterus behind my quasi-full bladder. Of course I had to drink some more. But at least it wasn't too uncomfortable. I waited around in the room drinking water and reading magazines. I also whipped out my iphone and snapped this picture which makes my legs look wicked fat but, this is the view from the transfer chair.

By the time K showed up I really started to feel the fullness of my bladder. K had to drive in on his own since I didn't want him to have to wait for my acu treatments since he is really busy at work. My RE was late due to a surgery and I got more and more uncomfortable as the clock ticked. I gave up and had to pee some of it away. The nurse told me to count to seven slowly and then stop. Agony!

I know you don't want to read about my urine but I had to share since this was the hardest part of the day.

Of course my RE showed up just as I was leaving the bathroom. Luckily there was still enough water in there to work with. My RE got a clear shot of my cervix and uterus, inserted an empty practice catheter and we were good to go. The lab worker came in and asked me my name and then how many embryos we were transferring and then went to the incubator to get them. It was so cool seeing the real catheter go in and get in place to deliver Sticky and Attachy to their home. K held my hand and we watched the little starry image show up on the screen. The lab worker went to check the catheter to make sure both blasts made it out and we were so glad she did that because one was stuck in the catheter. So we reinserted it and this time you could clearly see the little star fly into my uterus. I wish I could have videotaped it. My RE was so sweet. She held my hand and wished me luck and went over all the post transfer/beta stuff with me. Anyway, I then stayed put for 5 mins, and then K kissed me goodbye and left for a meeting. And after peeing for about 5 minutes straight my acupuncturist came in for treatment #2. I felt so peaceful and happy then. I feel the same way now.

Step 4

2008-12-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

So I had my Egg Retrieval yesterday. Like my funky Christmas socks?

It turned out to be an emotional day. The day started with the 40 minute drive to the headquarters of my RE clinic. I usually go to one of the satellite offices that is about 10 minutes from my house. Anyway, every bump and crack in the road was torture. My ovaries were huge and oh so ready to be emptied. Once we arrived at the RE clinic and I felt fine. I was excited and happy to loose some of the bloat. The nurses took K and I back to the surgery center. It was so neat. I was surprised to see a real surgery area hidden away in the back of the clinic. I had always just thought that the door we went through was just another exam room. Anyway, I changed into my gown, put on my hair net thingy, got my IV put in and as the meds started to flow the nurse reminded that my E2 was really high and that I had to watch out for hyperstimulation. And I started to feel nauseous. I never get nauseous. I haven't thrown up in about 6 years. Seriously. Anyway I got scared and started to cry. It was so pathetic. I calmed down a bit and K got me to laugh about something or the other. But then a new nurse came around to insert some antibiotics or something to the IV and started to mention the OHSS and I lost it. I was just terrified. My RE came over then and got me to calm down by telling me that she would be administering a special medicine to help with the fluid retention. She always manages to calm me down. Have I mentioned how much I love my RE.

O.K. so anyway I kissed K goodbye and he went to do his part, I went to the surgery suite and asked my anesthesiologist where he got his degree and then I was out. All I remember next is waking up in the other room and feeling o.k. My RE came by my bed to tell me that we got 18 mature eggs, and 10 others. So she was pleased. And we were pleased. They started to give me gatorade and saltines and made sure that I pee'd and then sent me on my way.

I slept the rest of the day until I was woken up by puppy Bailey. He was so cute. He came over to my side of the bed to check on me and decided it was crazy that I was in bed at dinner time. So he started to bark at me like get up mom get up and play. Of course I just stayed in bed. So he jumped up on the bed and snuggled in next to me. Bailey is not allowed on the bed! He knows it and has never jumped up on the bed. But I was so happy to have him there giving me doggie hugs that I just let him stay for a minute or two before scolding him and making him get down.

The last part of my uber exciting day was the PIO shot. I was as scared of this as I was scared of developing OHSS. For reals. I have control issues and letting K stab me with a needle just isn't my thing. But he was awesome. And it didn't hurt at all. He praised me for taking it like a trooper and massaged the oil in. I was proud of him.

So that was that. This morning my RE called me herself to inform me that 13 of my eggs fertilized. 13 embies. 13! I'm thrilled with that number. So now we wait to hear on Sunday whether we should come in for a 3 day transfer or whether things look good to wait for Tuesday 5 day transfer. So today I feel happy. More bloated. But happy. I am drinking only gatorade and just had a bunch of saltines. I think I may have some miso soup for lunch. That is salty right?

Step 3

2008-12-09T22:01:00.000-08:00

Trigger Shot. I can't believe Egg Retrieval is so close. Thursday at 10:30 they go in and grab all these eggs. It seems like just yesterday I started BCPs for all this. ---Deep Breath--- I get more and more excited for Thursday as the day goes on. My nurse called today with tons of instructions for what to do to prepare tomorrow night. I have to take doxycycline and no food or drink after midnight. We are supposed to arrive at the clinic at 9:30 with picture i.d.s at hand. I think the picture ID thing is funny. But I guess it is to ensure that they mix the right sperm and eggs. It is nice to know that they take precautions so we don't end up like some soap opera story where the woman gets inseminated with her enemy's egg that was mixed with her husbands sperm. Yikes! Still, bad things could happen. What if they can't get any eggs? What if none fertilize? What if none divide? I just want it to be Friday already so I know what is going on. Better yet, can we just fast forward to beta day.

Speak out, Speak up

2008-12-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

So Andrea at Bella and Her Fella was kind enough to give me this award for speaking up on the topic of infertility. I am so honored to have been picked by such a great blogger. Her journey has not been easy but she is navigating infertility like a champion. And I know that ultimately she will win the battle. I don't think I deserve this though. Yes, I do talk about IF on my blog. I do wear my infertility's common thread. But I don't really talk about infertility. I only just opened up about this to my immediate family. And it is wonderful sharing with them. My parents are just amazing. They ask all the right questions and make me feel so supported. And my brother cheers me on every time we talk. However, I don't talk to my friends about this. I sneak out of work to my appointments. I still haven't talked to anyone in the waiting room at my RE clinic. I don't speak out or speak up. Not for real! But I guess that isn't really the point. I guess just talking about this at all (be it only online or for real) and sharing my battle in some capacity merits getting this award. That being said I want to nominate some women who are also fighting IF and who I pray will win the battle. I nominate my TTTC sister Deb at Yes, I tried that too...

The Worms Inconceivable

Peachy Kate at Peachy does IVF

Tarah at The Johnson Family Journey

and Military Wife at militarywifealways

And they just keep coming

2008-12-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

Holy Moly. My ovaries are on fire. Todays count was 23 on the left and 12 on the right. Luckily a bunch of them are the same size and the largest now are size 14. My RE predicts that my Embryo Retrieval will be Wednesday. But since I have so many follies I am also producing a crap ton of estrogen. So my E2 has been really high the past couple of days. My RE changed up my meds (lowered the stims), and I have to go in daily for follie checks and blood draws. This is to help ensure that I don't end up with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. I'm not too scared of this because my RE seems to have things under control. But you never know.

Today I have to add ganirelix which should help with the high estrogen levels. And we are bumping up the stims again. It sort of feels like I'm on a little roller coaster ride.

My husband went with me today for the scan and was amazed at my crazy big ovaries. He kept doubting that I could really feel anything from the follies but now believes me. I'm so uncomfortable. I'm really looking forward to my ER.

After the doctor appointment we went and checked out cars. We've been arguing over what kind of car to get for over 6 months. I like the rav4 and cx7. I also like the outback. My husband likes sports cars, but we already have an A4 and I really want something bigger. But he just can't bite the bullet on a bigger car. But now is a really good time to buy a car. So we really feel like we have to make a decision. Today we test drove the lexus hybrid smaller SUV. I love it. I don't know if my husband feels as sure about this as I do (he can never make a decision). But I could go back and just buy that car tomorrow. It suits our needs completely. Lots of space in the rear for Bailey and hopefully a stroller. Lots of leg room in the back and front. Drives like a dream, good gas mileage, great maintenance package, and really great pricing (right now). And I love that it is a hybrid. I'm going to have to crack K on his hesitancy.

They Came

2008-12-02T10:30:00.000-08:00

The follies that is. At my stim check this morning my RE (she wanted to do the scan herself) found 10 on the left ovary which she was really excited about and said "I don't even care what is on the right. This is great!!". She did find 5-6 on the right ovary. It felt good to see her get so excited. So now I'm excited. Now those follies have to just keep doing well and maturing.

Yay!

Step 2

2008-11-30T08:57:00.000-08:00

So I have no clue how to get rid of the underline. Blogger is weird today. Bear with me.

O.K. so I am officially a trooper when it comes to giving myself injections. I've done two days of stims now so I've added follistim and menopur shots to my daily regimen. My lupron dose is cut in half from what it was in the beginning and the headaches seem to have disappeared for now. And I finished fertility sock number one.
Looks comfy right. Don't you wish you had one? Socks made by hand that custom fit your own feet are awesome. I love it. So I started number 2. But I've only just finished the ribbing part. I may start working on the heel today but I'm planning on doing my Christmas cards and decorating. So I don't think I'll have time to get to that. But it would be awesome if I could have a pair of socks to wear at my transfer. That is the goal. We'll see if I can get there.

Let me explain

2008-11-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

So the follies poster is about a comedy show at work. 'Follies' as in Ziegfeld Follies. The poster is an advertising campaign to get people to come to the show. I just keep focusing on the follies are coming part. It speaks to me on another level.

Let me also explain about my awesome acupuncture appointment today. My regular LAc, went on vacation but she has a guy (Dave) from another clinic fill in to make sure her fertility patients all got their treatments this week. I like Dave. I may have to visit him again later. Anyway today I started the special blood flow treatments. Instead of laying on my back and getting needles on my tummy, I laid on my belly and got needles on my back. I also had some on my calves, ankles, wrists, and hands. But the best part was the electricity. He hooked me up to this mini-car battery looking device and sent little currents to some of the needles. It was so cool. To feel stimulated, yet relaxed is just fantastic. I fell asleep after awhile and was totally groggy afterward. I can't wait until next week. Acupuncture is my favorite thing related to IF treatments. It is money well spent.

I was feeling pretty good today until I got an email from my nestie/TTTC friend that her IVF cycle was cancelled today due to poor response. I'm so sad for her. I wish there were something I could do or say. But of course there is nothing. This process is hard enough, but to hit snags like poor response is just awful on so many levels. Shay I'm sending you virtual hugs because that is all I can do!!

Coincidence?

2008-11-25T17:23:00.000-08:00

Do you think this a good sign or what? This sign met me in the elevator at work today. So I snapped a photo with my ever trusty iphone.

I had my suppression check today and my RE did the scan herself to check out the cyst issue. She said it looks fine, there is just some endometriosis around my left ovary that probably confused the ultrasound technician. So if my bloodwork comes back o.k. I'll be starting follistim and menopur on Friday. Then she is going to do my first follie check on Tuesday. So far everything is working. So should I believe Paul Revere or what?

doing shots at a dinner party

2008-11-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

Last night K and I went to a dinner party at his colleague's house. The party had 1 pregnant lady (wife of the colleague), 2 toddlers, and one child in addition to the 8 adults. The meal was great. (Yummy BBQ. There is just something extra special about eating BBQ in Winter/Fall. And the company was greater. We didn't know anyone but the hosts. But everyone was friendly and we enjoyed watching the little girls play. They had little strollers with baby dolls and pushed them about the house. K commented "this is where it starts huh." At the end of the night one of the toddler girls kissed me a sweet little kiss the way only baby girls can and it just melted my heart. Then she beckoned K to come over so she could kiss him on the cheek. My heart was liquid after this. It was just the sweetest thing. I want one! But you all already know that.

I had to steal away to give myself my lupron injection during the party. That was interesting. I was worried that someone would think I spending an awfully long time in the powder room. But whatever. People do on occasion have to spend long amounts of time in powder rooms. I'm sure no one would guess that I was shooting up in there. Filling my body with drugs that will help me to give a little playmate to those precious girls. Anyway it went off without a hitch. So I'm more prepared for repeating this on Thanksgiving which we will be spending with a different group of friends.

On a different note, I wanted to keep a running list of all the blogs I have visitited for ICLW. I like to start from the bottom and work my way up. So far I have visitited #s109-91. And already I've found some that I will go back to for sure. I love ICLW.

Step 1

2008-11-20T21:11:00.001-08:00

First Lupron shot---DONE! I did it all by myself (Echloe pats herself on the back). Not nearly as scary as I built it up to be.

The day started with a trip to the RE for my pre-lupron sonogram (ie visit with the dildocam). The office was suprisingly busy. The couple with the toddler, the chick with the awesome maroon faux aligator heels, skinny woman who grabbed a granola bar as she came in, and short woman who kept smiling at the baby. I was lucky to find a seat so I could work on my fertility socks and wait for my date with dildocam. I didn't have to wait too long. Only finished 2 rows of the socks.

As you can see I still have a long way to go. The goal of this project was to finish at least one sock by my embryo transfer. I think I'll get there on time. Anyway it is a good distraction to keep me relaxed during this whole process.

So when the sonogram tech started her prep I became a little nervous. Did she really need to use that much lubricant? Gross! Of course it didn't hurt or anything. But I can never relax with at those things. And it was especially gross because I have been spotting due to the stupid birth control pills. Anyway the tech found two lovely cysts....one on each ovary measuring around 19mms. So I also had to have my blood checked to make sure my E2 levels were still good. Luckily my estrogen was fine so we can "ignore the cysts to some extent". I'm not quite sure what that means. Blah. Can't everything just be o.k.?

In addition to informing me that my E2 was o.k. my nurse called me this afternoon to instruct me on how much lupron to inject and gave me some pointers. She is a sweetie. Anyway she went on to mention that it is crazy busy on mornings when everyone is getting scanned. And I never would have seen the office so busy because they typically don't schedule other stuff during this time of day. Uh huh. So I guess I'll be seeing the same group of chicks in the waiting room next week. Maybe next week one of us will have the nerve to smile or make contact. Me and awesome shoe girl could totally be friends.

Positive Mental Attitude

2008-11-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling so positive. Really happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I think it started when got my IVF calendar last week. Looking at the calendar and talking to my nurse coordinator made me feel like this is really happening. Like a baby is just within my reach now. No stupid temperature charts or OPKs and wondering what is going on with my body. It is all carefully controlled. Just the way I like it.....did I mention that I'm a type A personality.

And I'm so excited. Although I'm nervous as hell about giving myself the injections that will allow for all this control. I'm supposed to go in for my PreLupron sonogram on Thursday morning and then beging lupron that night if all is well. My dad is so cute. He keeps asking me every time he calls if I've started the injectibles yet. He is as nervous as I am. My mom thinks I'm being a big baby. She is diabetic and is no stranger to the needle. I know it will be fine. I just....ugh, I don't even like it when other people have to give me a shot. O.K. enough with the pity party. This stuff is gonna get me where I need to be so I'm just going to suck it up and shut up about it.

We also paid for everything this week. K and I finally decided to do a a multicycle treatment/shared risk plan. The one we chose pays for 2 fresh and 2 frozen cycles. Although we feel really good about our chances of getting pregnant on the first go around, we want to be prepared to keep trying if need be. So we figured paying for it up front would make our lives easier by taking one thing off the plate. The tricky thing was I had to fax our application for the program from work on Thursday. I was so scared that I would drop one of the papers and expose myself. I don't plan on sharing the fact that I'm undergoing IVF with anyone other than you guys and our families. Even our closest friends will not know right now. Anyway, I hate sending faxes. I almost always accidently dial the phone number instead of the fax number. I was really careful to dial the right number this time because the last thing I wanted was "you've reached integramed IVF program" played loudly for the entire office to hear. After carefully sending the fax, I hovered by the machine a little bit to make sure it all went through and that I didn't leave any paperwork behind. This would have been a lot easier if the program just accepted pdfs. Well at least now it is all taken care of, and now we can just concentrate on the treatments.

My favorite part of the treatment is acupuncture. I am supposed to give my acupuncturist a copy of my calendar so that she can schedule me for extra sessions during certain points of the treatment. She is also going to change up her treatments to suit the different stages I'll be going through. For instance, she will do some needles on my back at a particular point. I'm looking forward to all of this. I really like her and think she knows what she is doing. And I really like her attention to detail. Acupuncture is pricey so it is nice when you can feel so well cared for.

From waiting to waiting

2008-11-10T17:02:00.000-08:00

It seemed like it took for ever for me to get to start provera, then forever, for my period to start, then forever for the start of birth control pills. Today I took the first pill after my cd 3 blood draw. I felt liberated for about 3 minutes. Then realized that I now get to sit around and wait to start lupron. Not that I'm anxious to poke myself daily. But I am anxious to get the show on the road. Because I've had this obnoxious 2 months healing post hysteroscopy I've literally been waiting to try to conceive for 5 months. I'm am very tired of waiting. But I get to look forward to lupron and then look forward to stims. Let the waiting continue.....

Birthday photos

2008-11-06T07:19:00.000-08:00

Bailey waiting patiently for his Birthday gifts. Sitting nicely to boot! What a good boy.
He devoured his special birthday ice-cream cone cookie in about 30 seconds. This thing smelled good, like a people cookie. Not that stale dog biscuit smell. Anyway he loved it. And now he has his brand new bling. I love this little red and silver tag. It looks small but on the back it fits our 2 cell phone numbers and our home number in addition to his name. So it is practical and cute.

3 words

2008-11-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

YES WE CAN!!! I'm so incredibly excited to have lived to see this day. I thought I would be an old lady. I thought the country would see a white woman President long before seeing a black man. I didn't think the country was ready. I'm so proud. I'm so happy. And I was a big Hillary supporter. I love her and thought she had a better chance of winning than Obama. But I couldn't be more pleased with how things have turned out. Well, perhaps I would be more pleased if Obama has Hillary work on Health Care. And they better put some infertility care in there too.

This isn't a political blog. I hate to talk politics. But this is a very important time. Besides the victory over the reds, not everything turned out the way I would have wanted. We had a lot of measures and propositions here to vote on that I would have liked to see a different outcome. Particularly the passing the proposition 8 (against gay marriage). I am so very sorry that the all of those couples who were married yesterday are not married today! I asked my husband how he would feel if today we weren't married. It would hurt like hell. It is not fair. It is complete discrimination. And I don't understand how anyone should decide who someone else can marry. No matter how you feel about homosexuality, think of how you would feel if you were in the shoes of a once happily married, loving couple. Think about it.

Ow!! ow! ow!

2008-11-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

I don't remember my boobs ever hurting so much. No this isn't a sign. I'm not having a miracle break cycle BFP (well at least I really don't think so). But this estrace I've been taking for the past 2 months is really doing a doozy on my boobs. It isn't that sensitive pain that you only get when your boobs are touched. Way more intense. I can feel pain when I lean forward. Oy! I'm so ready to be done with this and move on to birth control pills. Never thought I say that. I just keep surprising myself. Anyway it shouldn't be too much longer.

In other news this week I get to spoil my niece and my dog. My niece Alycia turns 11 on Wednesday. I've given her pretty spectacular gifts in previous years. Including tickets to high school musical the stage production last year.

Well this year since we have to pay for IVF out of pocket we are trying to be a little more thrifty. So her present is not as big. But still really fun I hope. I got her what I would have loved on my 11th birthday. Make-up. Nothing crazy. She is only 11. So I picked out these fun Lipsmakers lipglosses and cheek gel blush. But I think I'm going to throw in a magazine subscription to Bop or Bopper or Teen Beat. I used to love that stuff. Hopefully she'll like it too.

And my baby Bailey turns 2 tomorrow. I've already purchased a new beautiful tag for him. And I bought him a really yummy looking cookie. I would take a picture of it and show you but I think I'll wait until tomorrow to take some pictures of him enjoying the cookie and a picture of him with his new tag. Is it crazy to buy gifts for your dog for his birthday? Maybe. But I don't care.

Stupid blogger

2008-10-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what happened to that last post. I had all these nice things listed for all of the blogs I selected for the blog awards but it all went away. Don't you hate when you write something brilliant and then the technology gods destroy your lovely work. Blah. Well here is what I remember. Sorry this isn't as eloquent as I originally had written.

1. Alicia's blog is amazing. I found it on ICLW and am so glad to have been able to follow her journey from IUI to pregnancy. I can't wait to see what kinds of shoes you buy for baby Twinkle.

2. Sassy is a great blogger and is so very brave. She is also a great baker (or at least it seems so from the photos she posts). I hope the adoption process goes smoothly and you get to make tiny cupcakes for your little one very soon.

3. Military wife is my cycle sister. We bonded over on the Nest/Bump TTTC page and over email. I'm so glad that we are both getting to move forward with IVF and can go through this together.

4. Emntom, is another Nestie friend who writes an engaging blog. I hope this cycle does the trick.

5. Andrea, I found your blog through other nesties and can't believe it took me so long to find it. I got addicted with the first post. I am the praying type and you are in my prayers.

6. Sweet Georgia's blog is captivating. If you wanna laugh and cry

7. Stay at home wife. I'm so happy that you've made it to your 2nd trimester. You are going to have to change your title to "just a wicked awesome mommy" soon.

I love all of these blogs. And I thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and lives. I wish I could meet all of you in real life.

my favorite blogs

2008-10-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite nesties gave me the honor of awarding me with the I<3 href="http://itisinconceivable.blogspot.com/">The worms is a sweet and supportive woman who is also a terrific blogger. I'm hoping and praying for her that her husband completely recovers and that they will be able to start their family soon. I love her blog too. If you haven't checked it out yet, click on the link. You won't be disappointed.

Of course no award comes easily. This one comes with a meme. I had to answer each question with a one word answer. In the blog world these memes just keep getting recycled. I've actually already done this one. So sorry to my regular readers. Just skip ahead and check out the rest of this post.

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Where is your significant other? game

3. Your hair color? Brown

4. Your mother? Loving

5. Your father? Caring

6. Your favorite thing? Chocolate

7. Your dream last night? None

8. Your dream/goal? mommy

9. The room you're in? office

10. Your hobby? knitting

11. Your fear? Barren

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Massachusettes

13 Where were you last night? Out

14. What you're not? organized

15. One of your wish list items? twins

16. Where you grew up? Massachusetts

17. The last thing you did? ate

18. What are you wearing? clothes

19. Your T.V.? HGTV

20. Your Pet? snuggly

21. Your computer? MAC

22. Your mood? Relaxed

23. Missing someone? Brother

24. Your car? audi

25. Something you're not wearing? hat

26. Favorite store? Banana Republic

27. Your Summer? Travelled

28. Love someone? special

29. Your favorite color? Orange

30. When is the last time you laughed? 11

31. When was the last time you cried? before

The best part of this award is recognizing others blogs. So it is my pleasure to give this award to seven bloggers of blogs that I really love.

In no particular order they are...

1. Alicia. I <3>

2. Sassy of Cupcakes and Conundrums I <3>

3. Military wife I <3>

4. First comes love, then comes marriage. EMNTOM I <3>

5. Bella and her fella. Andrea I <3>

6. None in the Oven. Sweet Georgia I <3>

7. Just a stay at home wife. I <3>

Good Things

2008-10-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the start of ICLW. And already I can say that I've found a couple of blogs that I know I'll be addicted to soon. I visisted Hope Springs Infertile; Mommy needs therapy; stop the train, I wanna get off; In Due Time, and The Worms. I also visited Ova-ez which is not on the ICLW blogroll but totally worth visiting. ICLW is a good thing.

On Monday I had my saline sonogram/mock transfer. I was nervous because the other times I've had this test it hurt like hell. I was also really scared that my RE would find that more scar tissue or adhesions had formed. Well when I got to my REs office the nurse took me right back and said not to worry as this test does not hurt. I of replied that I've had 3 of these and they've all hurt.

My RE had a bit of trouble getting the catheter past my cervix. This was a new to my saline sono experience so I started to prepare myself for more intense pain. But nothing happened. My RE was all "this looks good, and this is x mm, and that is x mm." I was confused and tired of waiting for the burst of pain I would feel once the water go in there. So I asked her when she was going to insert the water and to my surprise she said that she already had. Moreover, she said that every thing is 100% healed. Just one tiny anomaly that will not interfere with implantation. I couldn't believe it. I was thrilled. I mentioned that I was surprised it didn't hurt this time. And she said that it was because there was no more scar tissue! So now everything is all set for IVF next month. This is a good thing.

A funny thing happened as I left the RE office. I finally saw someone I know in the waiting room. Well not someone I've ever talked to. But this person was always on the bus with me on the way to work. So they live close to me and work at the same place as me. A quasi acquaintance if you will (QA for short). Well here is the thing. You know the SNL skit "Its Pat". Well QA is like Pat. I just could never tell and was always curious. Anyway QA was in the waiting room when the doctor came out and called her by her name. QA is a woman. I was psyched to find this out. Now if I see her on the bus I may actually wave. She had to have noticed me too. Its only been like 3 years since we've been doing the same commute. O.K. anyway, finding out the this curiosity is a good thing.

Common Thread and Communal Tables

2008-10-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

In honor of Infertility Awareness week I finally bought my pomegranate colored thread. Infertility's common thread. This thread is like a secret handshake. Something to wear to show others that you are fighting the good fight. I've been meaning to get this for a long time but finally got around to shopping at the craft store today. So I'll be wearing my thread with pride. I hope no one thinks it is for Kabahlah!

As for communal tables. I always thought this was a good idea. For those of you who haven't experienced this, it is just sharing a table at a restaurant. You go to a restaurant, there isn't a lot of seating, but at the one large table there is room enough for two more and the people already seated there don't mind sharing. So everyone gets to sit and eat. And maybe you meet some cool new people. This is what I thought.....

This is what happened to us the other night: K and I go out Saturday night for a date and decide on this uber hip tapas restaurant. Yummy food. Yummy drinks. But of course the place was packed once we got our butts in gear to actually leave the house and go out. So when the hostess asked if we'd be o.k. with sitting at the communal table we agreed. The three women at the table seemed nice enough and were apparently on a girls night out. I thought they'd all be bitching about their boyfriends/husbands or whatever. Not the case. After they got their food they started to talk. K and I were busily looking at our menus when chick A says "It is just so hard to give up breast feeding my son because I just love the cuddling." And chick B says, "Yeah, I'm just so sad that my baby is crawling now because he isn't interested in bonding with me anymore." O.K. so not the conversation I wanted to be hearing right then. As I sat there trying to tune them out, I kept thinking about the fact that this is the conversation that my best friends are having with each other. They could all be out (without me the childless one) sharing and bonding over their kids. My best friends and I have always had so much in common. But now I just feel so left out. We are just at very different places right now. And I so desperately want to be able to share with them again.

Well hopefully soon. Soon soon soon.

A little overwhelmed

2008-10-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

Today we had our IVF class. I had been looking forward to this. It meant one more step towards making our baby.

But tonight I have this sense of exhaustion. I haven't even done anything yet. Haven't taken a BCP, haven't injected myself, haven't had to mix drugs and ice my butt. But I will have to. And soon. It feels like K and I were walking down a road that split into two paths. And we decided to go left and but could turn back if we want to. We don't want to. But we can't help but look at the other path as we walk along.

In the car tonight he asked if I really wanted to do this because it is so hard. He didn't really realize how hard this will be on my body. I guess all the time I've spent reading blogs I've learned about all the fatigue, bloating, possible ovarian hyper-stimulation, potential heartache, or magnificent joy that can come of as a result as an IVF cycle, I've prepared myself. But he hasn't had this. He wants to protect me. He is scared.

So this of course makes me scared. Makes me look at things differently. Makes me wanna think about just giving up and maybe moving towards adoption. However, deep down I know that that isn't what is in my heart just yet. That I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least try this route.

At least I've got a few weeks to just breath. I don't have to do anything just yet. And for once I'm going to enjoy the break. I have spent way to much time wanting to rush through breaks and start cycling again. I'm just gonna relax these last 3 weeks. Well, at least I'll try to just relax. We'll see!

IF Angels

2008-10-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I got to meet up with Ariel from wishing for my miracle. It was so nice actually meet up with an online friend. My husband was very nervous about the meeting. Wondering if she would turn out to be some crazy internet stalker. But he couldn't have been more off base. She is my IF angel. One of the sweetest people I've ever met.

After meeting up with her I was thinking about how much this virtual world of IF support has meant to me. It has been so helpful to me to "meet" with others who are going through or have gone through infertility struggles. Besides bonding over the same issues, I've learned a ton. I feel like I know the right questions to ask and I feel more prepared for my treatments because of bloggers and Nesties. You just can't get the same kind of knowledge from the little info packet from the RE office.

I know you all know what I mean.

So thanks to Ariel. And thanks to all of you.

What a weekend

2008-10-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

So the my weekend started out with a sign. Since Wednesday I've been doing a Novena to St Therese. Her symbol is rose petals falling from heaven. Well on Friday I went to get my hair cut. My husband was supposed to pick me up but the timing didn't work out so I ended up trying to catch a bus. I was a half a block away from the bus stop, when I say my bus fly by and was annoyed that I would have to wait. Well when a bus finally pulled up 15 minutes later, I hopped on and decided to sit in the extra-wide seat since it was pretty empty. I almost never choose the extra-wide because you could end up sitting knee to knee with someone and I just don't like that. Anyway, I sat and saw right at my feet this sight. Pink rose petals on the floor. If that isn't a sign I don't know what is. The rest of the weekend was great. I went to my friend's baby shower and had a great time. It was all of her moms friends, me, and her. All the old biddies were hilarious talking about their hot flashes and how much they hate Sarah Palin. We had uber girlie foods like tea sandwiches and baby cakes (actually thumbnail sized cakes). On the way home my friend thanked me for dealing so well with all the baby talk and said that she knew that we would be doing the same thing for me soon. I just hugged her and whispered I hope so. She is so great. I mean, this event was all about her but she understood that I might be a little uncomfortable. And I really wasn't. No one asked when I was going to have a baby or any questions like that. It was just a fun day and I was so happy to support my friend. I'm so lucky to have such an understanding woman in my life. So I've had a great weekend so far. I hope it carries on through the week.

Private Practice

2008-10-01T22:51:00.000-07:00

O.K. so I love the series Private Practice. I love that the writing is smart and the acting is good. And I like that one of the doctors is a fertility specialist.

That being said.....I hated the season premier. I hated the storyline about a couple who used PGD to select a genetic match for their sickly 7 year old son. The baby is 6 months in utero and healthy. But because the son is feared to die soon, the parents want the unborn baby delivered so they could used the cord blood to save the son. When the main character decides that she will not deliver the baby early in order to give her a chance at life, the mother breaks her own water with a knitting needle.

It just broke my heart. I mean, I know it is just TV and they have to make it dramatic. But this just hit a wrong nerve with me. Especially in light of this retarded article. I don't want people thinking that reproductive technology is used for people who want "designer babies" or selfish career women who waited too long. Or people who want to create a child just to use their cord blood. Uh.

Half the family knows... and What's with Cheryl

2008-09-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

So this weekend we told my husband's mom about everything. It felt really good to lay it out on the table. I think that she took it well for the most part. But I got the impression that she thought IVF was too drastic a move. She didn't say anything though. Just asked random questions about egg harvesting (which scares her) and how many embryos will be placed (she is also very scared of multiples).

What I really wanted her to understand was where we are coming from, especially in our planning for the holidays. Their family has big Christmases. Lots of gifts, lots of decor, and lots of food. We switch off between visiting my family and his for Christmas

every year. And this year it is their turn. But if my IVF schedule gets in the way, well obviously I'm not traveling anywhere. My husband is really upset about this but I just don't care. There is no way I'm putting this off for one more month. I think he will feel better about it if his family comes to term with us possibly not making it home.

So what is with Cheryl Burke from Dancing with the stars. I think she is looking a little heavier. Not bad. I think she looks great actually but not as skinny as she looked in past years (as in the photo below with Ian Ziering).

If she has put on some weight

and is still strutting her stuff I think it is a great thing for television. This season she is paired up with Maurice Green who I once upon a moon had a major crush on. I was a high school 200 meter sprinter with

a thing for Olympic stars. Anyway, I like this pairing but really think my overall favorite is Warren Sapp. For a huge guy he really has twinkle toes. I think he has the good shot of winning the mirrorball this season.

Baby Mama (spoiler warning)

2008-09-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

O.K. so although many of you may have already seen this movie, I waited for it to come out on dvd. But I figured I would place a little spoiler warning for those of you who haven't watched it yet. If you haven't watched and still want to then I would not read below the line

****************************************************

Alright so I thought it was really lame. I know it is a movie, but come on. It was completely unrealistic. For those of us IF soldiers it is one of those slap in the face scenarios where the woman can't get pregnant and tries everything only to magically get pregnant once she thought she was having a baby via a surrogate. What the hell. And it really annoyed me that the surrogate did not get a beta after her transfer. I know it would have changed the plot slightly but it would have made a lot more sense. Then there is the case of the Tina Fey character only finding out that she has a T shaped uterus after all of her 9IUIs and IVFs fail. WTF. Wouldn't she have found that out before hand. Whatever.

The one thing I did like was the annoyance that Tina Fey felt over the surrogate company owner getting pregnant at a late age naturally. I could actually relate to that.

Altogether it was a relatively cute film. I expected more from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I just thought it would have been a lot funnier.

Its Official

2008-09-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

We are moving on to IVF. At my RE appointment today we went over all that is to come. In six weeks I will start birth control pills and take them for 10 days, Lupron for 10 days, Follistim 8-14 days. hCG shot, then egg retrieval 36 hours later. O.K. if it weren't for reading all these blogs and message board posts I'm sure my jaw would have hit the floor when my RE mentioned taking the pill. The last thing I would equate with getting pregnant is taking the pill. I'll forever more look at it as a waste of countless dollars to prevent me (hahahahaha) from getting pregnant. I could have taken that money, saved it up, invested it, and been able to pay for IVF. Hindsight makes us wise!!

When she showed me the pictures of the blastocysts I started to get dreamy. I could just imagine my little blastocysts developing in the petri plate. All sweet and multi-cellular. It is kind of fitting with me being a biologist that my own baby will be conceived in a lab, incubated, cultured. It is what I do every day. So I find it kind of cool. And my doctor didn't mind me asking her all sorts of dorky embryology questions.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this. I mean, I thought I would dread it. Like it was the last hope or something. But I really feel like this is going to work for us. And I can't wait to get started.

It also gives me approximately 6 weeks to get my butt in gear and lose some weight. So in addition to the belly dancing, fertility yoga, and jogging with my #1kiddo Bailey (my dog), I will be actively dieting. Nothing severe. Just trying to go down 10lbs. We'll see what happens. But it will give me something else to focus on while I wait wait wait until I get to start the birth control pill.

This will be a good week

2008-09-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

My husband keeps trying to tell me that a positive mental attitude leads to positive outcomes. So I'm going to try it by making a list of everything that will make me happy this week.

1. ICLW, for those of you wonder about the cute little puppy icon but have been too lazy to click on it, it is for International Comment Leaving Week. This week have to comment on 5 new blogs and return one comment. A total of 6 blogs a day. The best part of ICLW is that I get to read all these new blogs that I probably wouldn't have come across otherwise. There is some good stuff out there. And as more and more of the writers of my favorite blogs get pregnant (I get a ton of inspiration from those blogs so I'll keep reading them of course) I have to add new ones to my blog roll of people still trying like me so that I can have stuff to read that I can relate to. And ICLW is the perfect vehicle for this. So if you haven't done so, click on the puppy icon and find out what it is all about.

2. I have always looked forward to the new fall season of tv shows. I always get a thrill out of seeing cliffhangers get resolved and checking out the new programs to see if I like them. This fall I'm really looking forward to Grey's Anatomy. It has really wonderful writing and I love where the story line is going. But I'm also really into Dancing with the Stars which is just a cheesy reality show. That isn't all. I love How I met your Mother, Private Practice, Brothers and Sisters and Desperate Housewives. Thank goodness we have a DVR.

3. We have a new guy at work. This is good because a new person always changes the social dynamics of the lab. We were in this stagnant situation of a bunch of 20 something grad students who were really loud and obnoxious all day long. There were only 3 of us more mature quite types. This guy is a little older and has kids. So I'm going with the assumption that he'll be in the quiet group. Already I've noticed that the volume has gone done a ton. Lets hope it stays like this.

4. I'm signing up for belly dancing. There is this new studio in my neighborhood and it looks like fun. And I could use some activity around my middle. Stress eating all summer is not good for the waistline.

Save the drama

2008-09-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Why oh why do things have to be so difficult. My brother in law (BIL) and sister in law (his wife) are expecting their first baby. And of course this is a wonderful event for the family. But it just happened that they announced their pregnancy a few days after I found out that I would need a 3rd myomectomy to remove uterine fibroids. I was very emotional and very jealous. But I was happy for them too. But the hurt I was feeling for myself took over everything. But I made myself send them a congratulatory card and a few baby gifts. And it took a lot of me to do it. A lot. I think only those of you who have experienced these types of feelings can understand.

Lets go back in time a bit- BIL has always had it in for me. Didn't congratulate me for getting my PhD. Didn't want me to be in the family only wedding photos even though I had already been a member of their family for 3 years at the time (My husband and his grandma made me stand in the photos anyway). I have many more examples of this behavior. The other thing is he is very self-centered. If he has done well at something we all better bow down to his majesty. He sent us out a Christmas List every year even though he is an adult, and called to ask my husband if something was wrong because he hadn't recieved his annual birthday gift on time (it was in themail). Good grief.

Fast forward to now- So I didn't shower him and his wife with praise for managing to get pregnant on the first try. So I haven't actually talked to them about it. But I did send something. Well I had the afore mentioned surgery two weeks ago, still managed to send him out a thoughtful birthday gift (on-time), and I have heard nothing from him or his wife. I don't expect them to call me. At this point they may even be trying to shield me in some way and that is why they haven't called to see what is going on with me. Haven't sent an email. A text. Anything would be acceptable by me. But nothing. Perhaps I deserve this. But I really thought by sending the card and gift it would have been enough for them to know I care.

Fast forward to last years surgery- When thinking about it I really don't remember them calling or anything after that surgery either. So maybe it isn't that they are mad at me now. Maybe they just don't really care one way or the other.

Back to now- I really don't know what is going to happen to this family. I do not want to be the one responsible for all the drama. But I don't really know how to fix this. I don't know if I can. Believe me when I say talking to them about this will not do a thing. The only thing that could possibly work is me calling them and asking detailed questions about their pregnancy and sending lavish gifts and cash. But that only helps one side. I don't think that they will ever really treat me with kindness, ever.

My mother in law is coming next weekend to "show her support" of my IF and surgery and all that. I wonder if it would do any good to explain any of this to her. What do you think? Will this just make things worse. My poor husband is stuck in the middle.