Here they are

I feel true hope this time!! Like, the kind of hope I felt while I was still pregnant. These embies look so much better to me than Nugget. The cells are more uniform. And if you look closely you can see that the one on top is busting out of the shell. So I really feel like we have a fighting chance this time around. I sang along to this on the drive home.

The acupuncturist I had today was wonderful. She has undergone IVF and FETs and pregnancy loss. But she was very encouraging. And really helpful. She checked on the timing of the doctors for me so I could pace my water intake. It worked great. For the first time I wasn't "exploding" during the pre-acupuncture treatment. And I didn't have to pee during the transfer either. I'm sad that this was the first time I've had her for treatment. If this FET works, I'll ask for her when I go in for pregnancy treatments.

There was another couple there today having a FET. My mind went to the poor couple in Ohio that had the embryo mix-up. But then I realized how those things are very rare occurrences and my clinic is super careful. They checked my id and the labels on the embies like 8 times. And I only had 2 embies whereas the other couple (who have suffered several losses sadly) were transferring 4.

I really hope that they have success too.

Well. I think I'm going to catch up the young and the restless and then take a nap. Happy Friday!!

Lil' old lady pill box

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I just needed a break from thinking about TTC again and just wanted to reflect to myself about the loss of our baby. It was really good for me. I survived. I did not transform into a ball of tears as I imagined. I lit a candle and remembered how it felt to be pregnant with her and how it felt to hold her and look at her pretty face. I imagined what she would look like if she had been born. And I felt a sense of peace. I was dreading the due date for so long, it is like a weight of was lifted off my shoulders once the day passed. Now if only I could get babycenter to stop sending me emails saying how my 2 week old is doing. : (

Thank you to everyone who reached out and sent me cards, emails, comments, or thoughts. I appreciated it so much and so did K. He was so touched that so many people were thinking about us and Lydia on her EDD. I think he is finally getting why I love this community so much.

Well now I feel ready for this new cycle. And I just bought myself a little old lady pill box to help organize all the pills I have to take for FET #2. It is so crazy all the stuff I have to take. Yes it is way easier than a fresh cycle, but still so many meds. Because I have to take multiples of some pills per day, sometimes I forget if I actually took the dose. I have a ton of things on my mind with work and have trouble sometimes keeping it all straight. So this organizer will help a ton. And it is cool because you can detach the day you are on and pop in your purse. Do you think green and purple plastic pill organizer works with Coach?

I get to start the oh so fun Progesterone in Oil on Sunday to simulate ovulation. And then the transfer is on Friday. I have all the meds. My lining looks great. Oh and we are transferring 2 embies this time. So I feel pretty good. I just need to make the acupuncture appointment and I'll be all set.

1dp6dt and my super bladder

Obviously I have nothing in the way of symptoms yet and don't expect to feel for quite some time even if I do get pregnant. I am sort of surprised that my breasts aren't really sore from all the progesterone I'm on (1 cc of PIO, and 2 suppositories a day). My ass however, does hurt. I've got a huge welt on my right hip that is really bothering me. I'll have to use my left side for a couple of days I think.

The transfer went very smoothly. We transferred one sad looking de-frostie. The embryologist and RE said that the embie was perfect as it is a 1AA 6 day blast, and that the blast just looked strange because it had been dehydrated for freezing. I dunno. I supposed I can understand that. I just hope he/she is o.k and has a fighting chance at implanting. I just don't feel confident and hopeful like I did the last time.

I drank about half the required water before my acupuncture session as someone recommended in the comments of my last post (thank you so much). And I went in for the acupuncture session feeling pretty calm and relaxed. But by the time I got up from the table I had to pee. And once I went back for the transfer my bladder was ready to burst. So my RE let me empty it a little bit. Now ladies this is a difficult feat. Eliminating just a little urine. This actually happened during my last transfer so I knew that conceptually I could do it but was still scared about executing the task. Here is the trick. Pick a time (I had 5 seconds), then after the time stand up. You won't pee on yourself. I promise. I felt so much better, didn't feel the urge to pee anymore, and my bladder was still adequately full. So the lesson learned is that you don't have to drink all the water they ask you to necessarily. I drank about 18 oz of water and my nurse had said 24-50 oz. Anyway, it struck me that having a full bladder played a huge roll in trying to save Lydia and trying to get pregnant again. When they tried to get Lydia's amniotic sack back through my cervix, the on-call OB put a catheter in my urethra and filled my bladder with water. It was terribly uncomfortable. The OB and nurses were all surprised at the length of time I endured the full bladder without complaint. So maybe I've just got a super strong bladder.

Well now we wait. Beta isn't for another 8 days. But I'm just not that anxious about it. I think I'm really just getting more and more blah as I get closer to Lydia's EDD September 3rd. But I will try to send some good vibes to my little de-frostie everyday. I know that being a little more zen about things is best for my own psyche and better for de-frostie. So I'll try.

I "lied" and all is well for my FET tomorrow.

I love that I know my parents so well. I knew that when I told them I'd need a procedure to help me get pregnant again they'd take my statement for what it was. No questions. Just a little worry. But I assured them that it was a simple procedure and it would be better for me not to walk around when I get home and all day the following day. And also as predicted, my mom and dad were said they were so happy that they could be here to help when I have to be off my feet. I love them. And I'm so glad I didn't tell them the whole truth. They are just too scared to deal with me getting pregnant again. When my mom found my PNVs she told my husband that he should throw them away.

Well even though they are frightened I know that they'll be happy for me if the FET works. And of course we'll be thrilled as well. Getting pregnant again is the driving force that has kept me from going into despair over losing Lydia. I can't believe the day is actually here.... Deep Breath.

So the transfer is at 12pm PST. I go in for acupuncture at 11:15, and I guess I'll start drinking my "lots and lots" of water after the treatment. Or maybe I should start drinking it right before. Last time I forgot to drink the water before arriving at my clinic, but it was fine because my RE was doing a surgery and was late. But this time I hope she won't be late. So I better figure out when to start filling my bladder. Any thoughts ladies?

Is this bad?

My blood work from this morning looked good so we are on for Friday Transfer. I start taking PIO tonight and continue the estrace. I'm excited. I'm hopeful.

I also feel good because my mom and dad are coming to visit. They will be here for a week and I'm so happy I could burst. I haven't felt this happy in a long long time. I really miss them.

But K and I made the decision to not tell our parents about the FET ages ago. We just don't want the questions. Question like "are you sure you've waited long enough" and "will a baby be normal after being frozen" and "did you test, are you pregnant, what if what if what if". We just can't deal with that. So the only one who knows besides you guys is my brother who I just can't keep anything from. He is my own personal IRL cheerleader and he is keeping his mouth closed from the 'rents. But how are we supposed to keep this from them when they are here. I'm going to have to lie right to their faces. I hate to lie to them. But I can't face the alternative. So my plan on transfer day is to say I have to have a procedure that will help me get pregnant again. They know about the IF, fibroids, endo, etc so they won't question this. They may feel odd about me needing 2 days of bedrest, but they'll go with it. They will just want to know that I'm o.k. and will probably be happy that they are going to be around to take care of me. So I feel a little guilty. But really, telling them feels like if we were doing it the natural way and I said "hey don't mind us we are going to get busy now and try to make you another grandchild," so I feel justified in not telling them what is going on. But telling a boldface lie like this is going to be hard.

So far so good

This morning I went for a lining check and blood work. Fairly routine and easy visit. I didn't get nervous like I did during my fresh cycle. Not even when the freshly graduated medical assistant asked if it would be o.k. for her to take my blood. She looked so scared. I think a lot of patients must turn her down. The regular M.A.s were there saying that I didn't have to accept her if I didn't feel comfortable. But I figured what the heck. It took at least 10 minutes to draw one vial of blood. It was sort of cute in a way. She was so careful, checking my vain several times before doing the shot. I told her that she did a great job when she was finally finished. Hopefully it gave her a little more confidence for next time.

The ultrasound room gave me one tiny pang of pain. Just remembering seeing a squirmy little Lydia on that screen a few months ago made me frown. But after a deep breath I was fine. The tech didn't recognize me. I guess it has been a while and she has seen a lot of patients. But I remembered her. She did most of my follie checks. The follies that made Lydia and her little embryo siblings. I was glad to see a familiar face. My lining measured over 10 so I'm in the clear. I guess the combination of acupuncture, Pomegranate juice, and 3 estrace pills a day did the trick. And my blood work came back perfect.

So my FET is scheduled. I have to get my blood checked on Sunday to make sure things are still quiet and then Friday the 21st will be the transfer.

Let the games begin

So here I am. Cycling again. This is bittersweet. I've been waiting for months to cycle again. When Lydia died all I wanted was to be pregnant again. The void of my empty uterus was simply unbearable. And although slightly better now, I still am all consumed with having another baby while at the same time longing for the one I lost.

My period started on Friday so on Saturday I got to start taking estrace 3x a day. This is a crazy ton of estrogen. And I've already noticed a huge difference in my body. My periods are usually 5-6 days long. Well this one was a whopping 3 days. Like when I was a teenager. And I'm not going to complain for a minute. No pain this time. I didn't even notice the endo. No freak trips to the ER like last month. And no need for my stash of vicodin. I'm thrilled. Hopefully this is what is supposed to happen. But I'm guessing it is fine since so much estrogen mimics your cycle building a follicle and thus building a lining. So it makes sense my bleeding stopped. Well just in case I'll call my nurse to find out.

So in expectation of this FET working I've resumed taking the prenatal vitamins that I stopped after the baby died. I just couldn't come near the bottle. I did take a folic acid supplement though. I just didn't want to take the pills that I had been taking to nourish my Lydia. It seemed wrong. But it seems fine now. I'm o.k. moving ahead.

But I am not putting all my hopes into this working. I'm scared of the disappointment of a failed cycle. But not like before. Losing a baby at 21 weeks puts things in a different perspective. A BFN can not devastate me like it did in the past. But it will sting. Still I'm prepared. I know I shouldn't go into this expecting it to fail but I sort of do. My body sucks. I can't trust that it will work. And in a way I'm scared to risk my poor frosties on my stupid uterus and cervix.

The Dish

So my RE appointment didn't result the way I had hoped.  Dr. W and all the staff were as sweet as they always were.  Dr. W wanted to give me a hug.  We talked for a long time before the sonogram.  During the talk she asked me to explain exactly what happened and as I did I started tearing up.  She handed me tissue and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.  It was so sad.  She asked me about my mental state and asked about therapy.  I told her how I didn't like the support group and was considering one on one counseling.  Turns out she personally knew some of the counselors and told me which ones she thought I would mesh with.  Her $.02 was that even if I don't need  a counselor now I will most certainly do better to have one when I get pregnant again because I'll be really anxious and that won't be good for me or the baby.  So I'm going to give it a try.  What have I got to loose.  And as many of you suggested I can always quit if I don't like it.  So I'm going to call today and try to set up an appointment.

The next part of the conversation was about moving forward and the ease of a FET vs fresh.  She said our frozen embryos are excellent quality and assured me that the chances of them not surviving the thaw are slim to none.  That the lab is amazing and has 99.9 thaw rate.   All the embies are in individual straws and can be thawed one at a time so if per chance the first one didn't make it, the next one would be fine.  And I have a bunch (7 I think).  So that is a great thing.  However, she suggests we only transfer one.  That twins OBVIOUSLY wouldn't work because I wouldn't be able to carry them to term.  This stung.  I don't like the odds of getting pregnant with only one embie.  I had 2 transferred last time and only Lydia stuck.  So this really scares me.  I don't want to go month after month of transferring one and nobody s

ticks.  But my RE said that the frozen embies are even stronger maybe than Lydia and her brother/sister embie were because they lasted a day longer etc etc.   Whatever.  The next part of the conversation really killed me.  She wants to do a hysteroscopy (this will be my 4th) to make sure the uterus is totally clean.  I know we need to do this.  Especially given my history of fibroids and scar tissue.   But I don't want to do that again.  Dr. W insisted that the multiple hysteroscopies could not have affected my cervix.  But I'll always wonder.  So on day one of my cycle I am supposed to call her to schedule the surgery and start BCPs.  The sonogram showed one good sized follie on my right ovary so that should pop out soon and then my period should follow shortly thereafter.  Then it is hysteroscopy, then a month off to heal, then the FET.  God this all seems so far away.  I have a consult with a MFM on Thursday.  Hopefully he'll have some good news for me.

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O.K. so Astrid over at babymaking101 was kind enough to give me the honest scrap award.

  Thanks for giving me this honor Astrid.  And sorry it has taken me so long to accept it.  

The Rules for this award are to write 10 Honest Things about myself.  So here it is:

1.  I've been watching re-runs of full house during my leave.  It is drivel but it makes me happy.

2.  I was a mean girl.  Yes a mean girl like in the movie.  I could write all about the bitchy things I did but then you guys probably wouldn't like me.  Let me just say that I changed my wicked ways by senior year. 

3.  I believe that all of the bad things that have happened to me are a cause of Karma biting back.  Why poor K has to be brought down by my bad behavior is the only part I can't account for.  So maybe it isn't Karma.  Unless he was bad too.   

4.  I gained ~20lbs last year due to IF.  Gross I know.  I used to exercise a lot but last year I was so depressed I just stopped working out and when I don't work out I gain weight.  

5.  I don't think Kate is a monster.  I think Jon is a douche and she probably treats him like crap because of his douchyness and she was probably under a crap ton of stress with all those babies to take care of.  I give her the benefit of the doubt because she is an IF survivor and therefore my sister.

6.  I've been watching the Young and the Restless since I was 9.  Still watch everyday (thank goodness for DVRs and online tv).

7.  I think I want to be a SAHM.  After all this crap if I ever manage to deliver a living baby I don't know that I would want to give up any time with the baby.  This after getting a Ph.D might seem crazy but I just think family is the most important thing right now.

8.  I hold a grudge

9.  I can beat anyone at brickbreaker.  I rock.

10.  I really can't come up with a 1oth.  So there.  I'm breaking the rules.  

So the other rules that come with receiving this award include giving it to at least 7 other blog writers that you find brilliant in content or design.  

* Show the 7 winners’ names on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have been awarded Honest Scrap.

And the winners......in no particular order are:

Ova EZ, Dancing With Gaia, Meinsideout, Inconceivable, O Baby, Bella and Her Fella, and the Infertile Buppie.