Day 1

Didn't think I'd be excited as I was to get my period .   But I had a tiny feeling of joy, mixed with relief.  Only someone who is waiting to cycle understands this weird feeling I'm talking about.  To someone in this position,  cycle day one is a clean slate.  Its the start of a potentially BFPful month.  Well that won't be happening to me this month of course.  I started BCPs today.  Yesterday when I was at the pharmacy I thought for a second to pick up some OPKs because we could potentially have one of those break cycle BFPs.  Then I got back to reality.  BCPs Betsy.  You aren't getting pregnant this month Betsy.  You are on the pill again.  And you are having surgery that would harm a pregnancy anyway.   

I'm still excited to start BCPs again.  It means I'm that much closer to my FET.  I was also excited to call my RE office to get my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I'll hear back in a day or 2 when the surgery will take place.  I just want to get this surgery over with so I can concentrate on making my uterus a happy place again.  So I have things to look forward to.  

I discussed this odd feeling of hope with my therapist yesterday.  So yes I did decide to see a therapist.  So far I'm not sure that it is helping anything.  But I've only been to see her twice and realize that these things should take a long long time to work out.   It seems to me that she does quite a bit of the talking.  I imagined that she would just ask me lots of questions while I lay on the couch reflecting.  Nope.  There is a couch.  But I just sit on it.  I'll keep going.  I'm sort of curious to see how much this is going to help me.  Anyway, yesterday we discussed how conflicting it is to feel hope for a future pregnancy when I am still grieving the loss of Lydia.  The trick is to balance it.  And to not feel guilty about feeling hope.  This of course is much easier said than done.

From waiting to waiting

It seemed like it took for ever for me to get to start provera, then forever, for my period to start, then forever for the start of birth control pills.  Today I took the first pill after my cd 3 blood draw.  I felt liberated for about 3 minutes.  Then realized that I now get to sit around and wait to start lupron.  Not that I'm anxious to poke myself daily.  But I am anxious to get the show on the road.  Because I've had this obnoxious 2 months healing post hysteroscopy I've literally been waiting to try to conceive for 5 months.  I'm am very tired of waiting.  But I get to look forward to lupron and then look forward to stims.  Let the waiting continue.....

I'm on the pill

Yep. Back on the birth control pill. The purpose is to help me build up a lining, get a normal period, and then start clomid, have my hsg, have lots of sex and get pregnant. That is the plan. It is weird. I really didn't think the pill would be used in my getting pregnant arsenal. But whatever works.