Day 1

Didn't think I'd be excited as I was to get my period .   But I had a tiny feeling of joy, mixed with relief.  Only someone who is waiting to cycle understands this weird feeling I'm talking about.  To someone in this position,  cycle day one is a clean slate.  Its the start of a potentially BFPful month.  Well that won't be happening to me this month of course.  I started BCPs today.  Yesterday when I was at the pharmacy I thought for a second to pick up some OPKs because we could potentially have one of those break cycle BFPs.  Then I got back to reality.  BCPs Betsy.  You aren't getting pregnant this month Betsy.  You are on the pill again.  And you are having surgery that would harm a pregnancy anyway.   

I'm still excited to start BCPs again.  It means I'm that much closer to my FET.  I was also excited to call my RE office to get my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I'll hear back in a day or 2 when the surgery will take place.  I just want to get this surgery over with so I can concentrate on making my uterus a happy place again.  So I have things to look forward to.  

I discussed this odd feeling of hope with my therapist yesterday.  So yes I did decide to see a therapist.  So far I'm not sure that it is helping anything.  But I've only been to see her twice and realize that these things should take a long long time to work out.   It seems to me that she does quite a bit of the talking.  I imagined that she would just ask me lots of questions while I lay on the couch reflecting.  Nope.  There is a couch.  But I just sit on it.  I'll keep going.  I'm sort of curious to see how much this is going to help me.  Anyway, yesterday we discussed how conflicting it is to feel hope for a future pregnancy when I am still grieving the loss of Lydia.  The trick is to balance it.  And to not feel guilty about feeling hope.  This of course is much easier said than done.

Eh.......no I'm not

I really thought I had a chance this time. Especially after reading Ariel's comment on my last post. Gnaaah.  I knew it was too good to be true.  I got my period today.  

So back to the drawing board.  I'm trying to get an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.  I did get a referral so hopefully I can get an appointment for sometime soon.  

And I have a refill for clomid so I'll do that again starting Saturday.  Maybe the second round will do the trick.   

Roll ball..... roll

So happily happily my period came on Thursday.  I've never been so happy to get my period.  So now the ball is rolling again.  I called to schedule my HSG and it is on the 11th.  And I started clomid today.  I didn't have any of the side effects I've heard about.  Just a little dizziness.  Otherwise everything is normal.  A little crampy today though.  But I'm not complaining.  Instead I've taken it as a sign to have a lazy Saturday lounging around reading and playing with my dog.  I was watching Jane Erye for a while but my husband came home and wanted to watch NCAA on the bigger TV.  So instead I'll catch up on my blogging.  Today is a great day.

All I can do is complain

I hate to be a whiner. I try to be a positive person. But enough is enough. I took my last Provera pill a week ago today. And where is my period. Nowheresville USA. This is getting so old. I just want to have my period so I can get my HSG, start my clomid, and have lots of sex. Mostly the last part. My husband has motivated big time the past few months. So I know that at least the trying will be fun. Plus he is so excited about the prospect of having twins. Me too actually. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Right now it is all about the flow. So come on flow. Get you big red a** over here already.

STUPID AUNT FLO

Cramps up the wahzoo, feeling icky, feeling tired, feeling pissed that we didn't make a baby yet.
This trying and waiting and trying is starting to really get to me. I'm trying to stay positive but this really sucks. I just want a baby. is that too much to ask for.