IF in the plant world???

This is Trudy, a Titan arum plant, aka corpse plant.  She is big and ugly, and stinks of rotting flesh (hence the nickname corpse plant).  I fought the crowds to take a look at her today because today was the first time since 2005 that she produced a flower.  Yes ladies and gents,  Trudy gets a chance at reproduction only every 4 or 5 years.  Very much like us infertiles, Trudy doesn't have a lot of opportunities to make a baby.  And when she does, she goes all out... making this giant flower (almost 7 feet tall).  I liken this to all the effort that we IFers have to put into baby making.  Injecting ourselves, undergoing crazy dietary regimes, surgeries, pills, blood draws, dildo cam visits....all in the hope of reproducing.

 The flower stinks (It was pretty nasty.  Being that it was growing in a greenhouse in June.  Just use your imaginations girls.) to attract flies and beetles that will carry pollen to her flowers.  Much like our REs guide sperm to eggs through IUI or IVF.  I'm assuming that most of us IFers don't stink.  But it does stink that a lot of us have to pay thousands of dollars for the chance to do what practically everyone else can do for free.  

The rest of the time in her life cycle when Trudy is not working her little plant ass off to reproduce, she looks like this.  

Just tall and leafy.  And not stinky.  This is the waiting stage.  So I guess right now that I'm waiting anxiously for 

my FET in August I'm sort of in my leafy stage.  I'm really not doing what I'm 'supposed' to do for reproduction.  I'm not taking pre-natals. Haven't had the heart to swallow them since I associate them with Lydia.  I'm drinking tons of coffee.  Really strong coffee!! And right now I'm guzzling down an ice cold Toffee Coffee Frostie.  According to my acupuncturist, cold food and drinks are a big no no.  Something to do with taking the blood away from the uterus to help warm up the cold stuff so it can be digested.  So the Frostie being frozen is probably really bad.  Oh and it is coffee flavor so all that extra caffeine added to the 2 cups of Joe I had today is probably bad too.  Also, my acupuncturist wants me to cut out sugar.  I'm sure there are about 2 cups of sugar in my Frostie.  But I really don't care.  I'm Leafy.  There is no chance that I can get pregnant right now anyway so I might as well enjoy myself a little.  Come July I'll get back on track.

Speak out, Speak up

So Andrea at Bella and Her Fella was kind enough to give me this award for speaking up on the topic of infertility.  I am so honored to have been picked by such a great blogger.  Her journey has not been easy but she is navigating infertility like a champion.  And I know that ultimately she will win the battle.  I don't think I deserve this though.  Yes, I do talk about IF on my blog.  I do wear my infertility's common thread.  But I don't really talk about infertility.  I only just opened up about this to my immediate family.  And it is wonderful sharing with them.  My parents are just amazing.  They ask all the right questions and make me feel so supported.  And my brother cheers me on every time we talk.  However, I don't talk to my friends about this.  I sneak out of work to my appointments.  I still haven't talked to anyone in the waiting room at my RE clinic.  I don't speak out or speak up.  Not for real!  But I guess that isn't really the point.  I guess just talking about this at all (be it only online or for real) and sharing my battle in some capacity merits getting this award.  That being said I want to nominate some women who are also fighting IF and who I pray will win the battle.     I nominate  my TTTC sister Deb at Yes, I tried that too...

The Worms Inconceivable

Peachy Kate at Peachy does IVF

Tarah at The Johnson Family Journey

and Military Wife at militarywifealways

IF Angels

On Wednesday I got to meet up with Ariel from wishing for my miracle.  It was so nice actually meet up with an online friend.  My husband was very nervous about the meeting.  Wondering if she would turn out to be some crazy internet stalker.  But he couldn't have been more off base.  She is my IF angel.  One of the sweetest people I've ever met.

After meeting up with her I was thinking about how much this virtual world of IF support has meant to me.  It has been so helpful to me to "meet" with others who are going through or have gone through infertility struggles.  Besides bonding over the same issues, I've learned a ton.  I feel like I know the right questions to ask and I feel more prepared for my treatments because of bloggers and Nesties.  You just can't get the same kind of knowledge from the little info packet from the RE office.

I know you all know what I mean.

So thanks to Ariel.  And thanks to all of you.  

Save the drama

Why oh why do things have to be so difficult.  My brother in law (BIL) and sister in law (his wife) are expecting their first baby.  And of course this is a wonderful event for the family.  But it just happened that they announced their pregnancy a few days after I found out that I would need a 3rd myomectomy to remove uterine fibroids.  I was very emotional and very jealous.  But I was happy for them too.  But the hurt I was feeling for myself took over everything.  But I made myself send them a congratulatory card and a few baby gifts.  And it took a lot of me to do it.  A lot.  I think only those of you who have experienced these types of feelings can understand.

Lets go back in time a bit-  BIL has always had it in for me.  Didn't congratulate me for getting my PhD.  Didn't want me to be in the family only wedding photos even though I had already been a member of their family for 3 years at the time (My husband and his grandma made me stand in the photos anyway).  I have many more examples of this behavior.  The other thing is he is very self-centered.  If he has done well at something we all better bow down to his majesty.  He sent us out a Christmas List every year even though he is an adult, and called to ask my husband if something was wrong because he hadn't recieved his annual birthday gift on time (it was in themail).  Good grief.

Fast forward to now-  So I didn't shower him and his wife with praise for managing to get pregnant on the first try.  So I haven't actually talked to them about it.  But I did send something.  Well I had the afore mentioned surgery two weeks ago, still managed to send him out a thoughtful birthday gift (on-time), and I have heard nothing from him or his wife.  I don't expect them to call me.  At this point they may even be trying to shield me in some way and that is why they haven't called to see what is going on with me.  Haven't sent an email.  A text.  Anything would be acceptable by me.  But nothing.  Perhaps I deserve this.  But I really thought by sending the card and gift it would have been enough for them to know I care.  

Fast forward to last years surgery-  When thinking about it I really don't remember them calling or anything after that surgery either.  So maybe it isn't that they are mad at me now.  Maybe they just don't really care one way or the other.

Back to now- I really don't know what is going to happen to this family.  I do not want to be the one responsible for all the drama.  But I don't really know how to fix this.  I don't know if I can.  Believe me when I say talking to them about this will not do a thing.  The only thing that could possibly work is me calling them and asking detailed questions about their pregnancy and sending lavish gifts and cash.  But that only helps one side.  I don't think that they will ever really treat me with kindness, ever.  

My mother in law is coming next weekend to "show her support" of my IF and surgery and all that.  I wonder if it would do any good to explain any of this to her.  What do you think?  Will this just make things worse.  My poor husband is stuck in the middle.  

Best Finale Ever (lost spoilers)

I love Lost.  O.K. I don't just love it.  I adore it.  It is the most clever television series ever and has fantastic writing, and brilliant acting.  Last night I was on the edge of the couch as I watched my favorite character Desmond finally reunite with his long lost love Penny.

The love story of Desmond and Penny is probably the best love story ABC has ever given us.  They had to endure a separation of space and time.  Yes time.  But destiny reunited them.  

Normally I wouldn't compare real life to fiction but there are so many parallels to my life in Lost.  1st off, there is this overlying infertility theme.  Then there is the waiting.  They characters wait for rescue, wait for love.  And they have nothing to rely on but hope and faith.  And that is my story.  I am infertile.  Yikes.  There I said it.  Infertile.  And I have nothing but hope and faith left as I wait wait wait for sperm to meet egg.                                                         

I do have a lot of faith in my new RE office.  I was surprised and thrilled that they called me yesterday afternoon to check to see about my pregnancy test results and to remind me of which numbers to call when I start my period so they can keep track of my cycle.  Such great service.  Sure, we are going to pay a pretty penny (another connection to lost maybe), but it will be so worth it in the end if this works for us.  They are so on the ball.  So different than my OBGYN office.  A girl could get used to such great treatment.

O.K. so if you don't watch Lost, I hope that you will rent the DVDs and start watching it over the summer.  And if you do, yay for the best season finale ever.  The only sad thing is that we have to wait 9 months for the next season to start.  Is it random that that waiting for Lost to start again is the same as the gestational time for a human baby?  I think not.  Just another parallel to my life.  Hmmm......