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I went to my therapist on Wednesday. She thought it would be a good idea for me to stop trying to protect myself by not feeling hope for Nugget. She thinks having a poor mental attitude could be bad if s/he indeed is trying to grow in there. She told me about this study where there were 2 groups of cancer patients. One group was prayed for. At the end of the study, the group that was prayed for had better survival than the other group. The researchers attributed the success of the prayer group to positive thinking and good vibes. So my therapist asked me to try to commune with Nugget and let him or her know that I want him and will provide a safe passage if s/he decides to stay with us. And ever since then I've noticed all of these potential pregnancy symptoms. I don't really trust early pregnancy symptoms but it gives me a little hope. And talking to Nugget and acting like there is a chance gives me hope.

But here is the thing. Now I'm annoyed that I'm feeling a little hopeful about this baby. Because what happens when I get a BFN tomorrow. This is going to suck. Lydia's due date is on September 3rd. Why did I do this to myself? If the beta is negative and then I have to deal with her due date too this week is going to be just awful for me.

I haven't cried for weeks. That is a big deal for me. And I sobbed this morning thinking about poor Lydia. Poor me. Poor K. Poor Nugget. I was so obsessed with getting pregnant again before Lydia's due date and now I'm not sure why that felt like such a big deal. If I am pregnant it isn't going to take away the pain of losing her. And now if I'm not pregnant I'm going to have double pain. So just in case I get bad news tomorrow I've devised a little plan. I made sure that next week is going to be a really busy one at work. I've scheduled a meeting with my boss on Tuesday, and I have a ton of experiments to finish. So I'm going to throw myself into it. Concentrate on work. I won't have time to cry. I won't have time to feel. I'm just not sure I can handle it all.

Feeling Positive Today

Thanks to everyone who made me feel better about my low betas.  Especially militarywife who I got to meet last night for the first time.  Your positive vibes have done wonders for my psyche.  I don't know what I would do without this great community of women.  Thank you thank you thank you.

I went to a couple of different websites and they all show that my betas are adequate even though on the lower side.  So I am feeling much better about this pregnancy.  In fact as I write this I'm all crampy (which I hear is a good symptom) so I feel like that is a good sign that the baby is growing.  So  I think we'll be fine on Wednesday.  Everyone here feels good about the baby too.   We hadn't planned on announcing anything since we weren't sure.  But my Mother in law guessed that I was pregnant since I wasn't having any coffee (which is usually a staple for me).  We were sitting around chatting at the kitchen table and she was working on a sudoku puzzle.  She said "Betsy I just have to ask you something but I'm gonna write it down o.k."  So I was like what is this 9th grade.  When she scribbled  are you pregnant I was shocked.  I really didn't know how she could of guessed.  I answered maybe and explained why I wasn't too excited.  I was practically in tears but of course she was ecstatic.  She said the same thing you all said.  As long as it doubled that is good enough for her to think we are o.k.  I told her that she wasn't allowed to say anything to anyone else in the family.  But then the following day, my sister in law asked me if I was pregnant because she noticed I hadn't been drinking.  We have 3-4 types of wine on Christmas and usually I love to partake.  So I guess it was kind of obvious to anyone who paid any attention.  So we ended up telling her and my father in law.  It is killing me not to tell the grandparents though.  It would be wonderful to tell them in person.  But you guys know how it is.    Anyway I'm a little sad that we couldn't do something cute to tell them.  But there is still my parents.  They knew every last detail of the IVF stuff and are just waiting to hear from me.  I know they must be anxious.  So I will think of some cute way to tell them.  They live overseas so we have to tell them via skype.  

Today is our last full day in Denver and we are going to hit the malls to see if we can get some other deals.  We are also going to my Brother in laws house to spend some quality time with our newborn nephew.  The next time we see him he'll look completely different so we wanna take in all the sweet new babyness now.  How exciting that he'll have a cousin so close in age.  

Save the drama

Why oh why do things have to be so difficult.  My brother in law (BIL) and sister in law (his wife) are expecting their first baby.  And of course this is a wonderful event for the family.  But it just happened that they announced their pregnancy a few days after I found out that I would need a 3rd myomectomy to remove uterine fibroids.  I was very emotional and very jealous.  But I was happy for them too.  But the hurt I was feeling for myself took over everything.  But I made myself send them a congratulatory card and a few baby gifts.  And it took a lot of me to do it.  A lot.  I think only those of you who have experienced these types of feelings can understand.

Lets go back in time a bit-  BIL has always had it in for me.  Didn't congratulate me for getting my PhD.  Didn't want me to be in the family only wedding photos even though I had already been a member of their family for 3 years at the time (My husband and his grandma made me stand in the photos anyway).  I have many more examples of this behavior.  The other thing is he is very self-centered.  If he has done well at something we all better bow down to his majesty.  He sent us out a Christmas List every year even though he is an adult, and called to ask my husband if something was wrong because he hadn't recieved his annual birthday gift on time (it was in themail).  Good grief.

Fast forward to now-  So I didn't shower him and his wife with praise for managing to get pregnant on the first try.  So I haven't actually talked to them about it.  But I did send something.  Well I had the afore mentioned surgery two weeks ago, still managed to send him out a thoughtful birthday gift (on-time), and I have heard nothing from him or his wife.  I don't expect them to call me.  At this point they may even be trying to shield me in some way and that is why they haven't called to see what is going on with me.  Haven't sent an email.  A text.  Anything would be acceptable by me.  But nothing.  Perhaps I deserve this.  But I really thought by sending the card and gift it would have been enough for them to know I care.  

Fast forward to last years surgery-  When thinking about it I really don't remember them calling or anything after that surgery either.  So maybe it isn't that they are mad at me now.  Maybe they just don't really care one way or the other.

Back to now- I really don't know what is going to happen to this family.  I do not want to be the one responsible for all the drama.  But I don't really know how to fix this.  I don't know if I can.  Believe me when I say talking to them about this will not do a thing.  The only thing that could possibly work is me calling them and asking detailed questions about their pregnancy and sending lavish gifts and cash.  But that only helps one side.  I don't think that they will ever really treat me with kindness, ever.  

My mother in law is coming next weekend to "show her support" of my IF and surgery and all that.  I wonder if it would do any good to explain any of this to her.  What do you think?  Will this just make things worse.  My poor husband is stuck in the middle.  

Symptoms?? Or simple mind?

So now I'm 6 DPO and I'm starting to have symptoms. Or so I think. Mostly I think I'm nuts because I have "symptoms" every cycle. I had weird poking pains coming from in my uterine area for the past couple of days. And today I've noticed that my breasts are sore. This doesn't usually happen this early in my 2WW. So maybe maybe. Errr. I don't know.

Being a scientist, I know that all the feelings I've had recently are not pregnancy symptoms. I probably just have indegestion or something half the time. The boobs hurting. I don't know why they should be sore already. This usually occurs before my period. But I'm going to go the logical route and blame it on my bra needing adjustment.

I'll let you know what other crazy things I feel in the next few days. I'm sure I'll be nauseous and craving pickles and ice cream for Thanksgiving dinner.