Another baby

My brother's.  Born living this morning at 7:03 am EST.  I am grateful.  Grateful that my nephew is alive and well and that my brother and his wife can enjoy the happiness of their new son.  But I'm so sad.  I just feel sorry for myself.  And I hate myself for this (and I know it is normal....went through a lot of these feelings with IF) but I just don't think it is fair that they get to have this joy and I don't.  Now my brother....he is my best friend.  He was so understanding with my IF.  He was afraid to tell me they were pregnant.  He cried on the phone when he told me.  He didn't want to hurt me.  He always tries to protect me.  He cried and cried with me over Lydia's loss.  My grief is his grief.  He would have come out to be with me but his wife was at the end of her pregnancy so he couldn't leave.  He listened to me complain about mom and dad.  He agreed with me that they were being assy.  He is a good brother.  So I shouldn't feel so negative.  But I do.  It isn't fair.  They  NEVER HAVE SEX!!  They had a 6 month dry spell until my brother begged and his wife finally "gave in" one night.  And they got pregnant.  One time.  One.  They haven't had sex since.  She never got horny during pregnancy.  She doesn't like it I guess.  My point is they weren't even trying, never do it, and got pregnant, and now have a live beautiful son.  Me and K, we tried for years, I had 3 surgeries, I took clomid, I used OPKs, I took my temp every morning, I did acupuncture, I drank green tea, used pre.seed, did fertility yoga, we had sex all the time.  We did IVF!!!!  And I have nothing to show for it.  Just my tears and heartache.  I hate being so conflicted.  It hurts.  I love my brother more than anything.  His joy should be my joy.  But I'm so jealous and sad and mad.  

I have tell you that I took your advice and emailed my parents exactly what I put in my last post.  I think they get it now.  But I still haven't had the guts/heart whatever to actually talk to them.  They'll be busy with their new live grandchild now anyway.  So I can lay low for a bit.

More than jealousy

Sometimes I get so upset when I here about someone else's pregnancy. It is kind of retarded. My husband calls me this morning to warn me that the emails will be flying about one of our friend's impending child. I was fine. I was happy. Now I'm a wreck. I wish I could blame it on the hormones but I know it is just me. It is just that I want what they have. And it doesn't help that another friend recently commented that we were the first to marry and will be the last to have a kid. Now it is absolutely true. I just want to go home right now and cry my eyes out. I should be happy for them. Them. I don't even really know which couple it is. I dare not look at my email. Yes I'm that crazy.

Now this doesn't happen with every pregnancy announcement mind you. I am happy for a lot of people. It is just in this particular friend group. My husbands friends. The friends who were too immature to even have girlfriends just a few short years ago. The friends that thought we were old and boring. What happened? How is it that I... the one who was giving all their eventual girlfriends wedding tips am the one who is struggling to just have a regular F-ing cycle not yet pregnant? I should have had a baby 2 years ago. I'm 32. I'm miserable.