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I went to my therapist on Wednesday. She thought it would be a good idea for me to stop trying to protect myself by not feeling hope for Nugget. She thinks having a poor mental attitude could be bad if s/he indeed is trying to grow in there. She told me about this study where there were 2 groups of cancer patients. One group was prayed for. At the end of the study, the group that was prayed for had better survival than the other group. The researchers attributed the success of the prayer group to positive thinking and good vibes. So my therapist asked me to try to commune with Nugget and let him or her know that I want him and will provide a safe passage if s/he decides to stay with us. And ever since then I've noticed all of these potential pregnancy symptoms. I don't really trust early pregnancy symptoms but it gives me a little hope. And talking to Nugget and acting like there is a chance gives me hope.

But here is the thing. Now I'm annoyed that I'm feeling a little hopeful about this baby. Because what happens when I get a BFN tomorrow. This is going to suck. Lydia's due date is on September 3rd. Why did I do this to myself? If the beta is negative and then I have to deal with her due date too this week is going to be just awful for me.

I haven't cried for weeks. That is a big deal for me. And I sobbed this morning thinking about poor Lydia. Poor me. Poor K. Poor Nugget. I was so obsessed with getting pregnant again before Lydia's due date and now I'm not sure why that felt like such a big deal. If I am pregnant it isn't going to take away the pain of losing her. And now if I'm not pregnant I'm going to have double pain. So just in case I get bad news tomorrow I've devised a little plan. I made sure that next week is going to be a really busy one at work. I've scheduled a meeting with my boss on Tuesday, and I have a ton of experiments to finish. So I'm going to throw myself into it. Concentrate on work. I won't have time to cry. I won't have time to feel. I'm just not sure I can handle it all.

Welcome ICLW participants

I've decided to add a little background info for those of you who have never visited my blog.

I hope that it helps you to understand my upcoming posts should you chose to visit again.  

So in 2004 while on the pill I had some weird spotting.  I asked my doctor about it and she had me take a pregnancy test.  My first beta.  I was scared out of my mind.  Could I be pregnant?  We hadn't been married for even a year yet?  What would people think?  What would this do to my career?

The test was negative.  Several ultrasounds later they confirmed that I had a baseball sized fibroid in my uterus that needed to be removed.  I had surgery a few weeks later and but the doctor wasn't a very skilled surgeon and the only removed about 1/4 of the fibroid tissue.  Besides the pain and heavy bleeding I didn't really care.  I wasn't ready to be a mom yet.  And K was not ready to be a dad.  But in another year the mommy feelings hit me like an ultimate frisbee to the head.  All of a sudden I feared for my fertility.  I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy.  I wanted a child.  And I thought we should start trying.  Two years later he finally agreed.  Well by then we had moved and I was seeing a new GYN who was this so called fibroid expert and insisted that the fibroid come out before we could really try because I would most definitely miscarry any conceived children very early on with that large fibroid.  We had the surgery and afterward he said to "get to it".  That to come back in 6 months if we weren't pregnant, but he doubted we wouldn't be.  Well after waking up daily to check temps, learning the wonders of cervical mucus and spending a fortune on OPKs we still were not pregnant.  Fertility friend confirmed that I was ovulated every months.  So we did a sperm analysis.  It was perfect.  We did another.  Perfect.  I took clomid (not monitored) and started acupuncture.  Not pregnant. Got a referral to an RE who quickly realized that the current dosage of clomid wasn't helping me.  I still just had one follie and she expected 2.  She increased the dosage, scheduled and IUI and we once again had hope.  Come IUI day my husbands sample was crap.  I cried my eyes out.  He doesn't have a problem.  Normally his swimmers are excellent.  Turns out a really bad fever a month or so before wrecked his sperm that day.  But my RE also suspected that I had bigger problems.  My ultrasounds showed what looked like a new fibroid.  So we did a a lap/hysteroscopy and during that she found stage 3 endo that pulled my fully functioning ovaries so far away from my fallopian tubes that I didn't stand a chance of getting an egg near a sperm.  And my uterus was filled with a ton of scar tissue that she determined was a result of the past surgery (once the large fibroid was removed my large uterus was empty and collapsed on itself and when it went back to normal made scar tissue).  This too would never let a pregnancy stick.  She cleaned out the uterus, but the endo was going to make IUIs really impossible.  We needed IVF.  We did IVF.  We got pregnant.  I didn't believe it could be real.  I couldn't enjoy it.  I kept thinking we were going to loose it.  That there would be no heartbeat.  That there would be something wrong with it.  20 weeks later we found out that the baby was perfect.  All the right parts were there.  No markers for chromosomal problems.  And it was a GIRL!!  We were overjoyed.  And I finally relaxed. 

That brings us to the current part of my story.  The awful terrible craptastic part of the story.  (Deep Breath).  I can't re-tell that tale.  It is too fresh.  Too painful still.  But if you want to read what happened go to the entry from April 27th or 28th.  But the gist is that I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.  Of all of my diagnosis this one was the worst.  This one could not be predicted.  This one stole my perfect healthy baby girl from K and I.  This one means that instead of planning my baby shower I am trying to figure out what to do with Lydia's ashes.  This is the one that means is I am ever blessed again with another child I will have to have my imcompetent cervix stitched up with a cerclage, and will forever be deemed a highrisk patient who will likely need bedrest to carry a  child to term.  

So here we are.  Scared to death but preparing to try a frozen embryo transfer in a couple of months.  I am infertile.  I have an incompetent cervix.  But I will have a live healthy baby someday.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  I never in a million years imagined that I would be in this position.  I spend way too much time wishing I could go back in time and make K realize that we should start TTC sooner.  Or that I could get a referral to the RE sooner.  Or that I could get to the hospital earlier and they could have saved my Lydia.  But none of that is possible.  I'm stuck here in reality and probably the main way I heal myself is through this blog.  

ICLW has led me several blogs that I now read daily.  I'm so thankful to Mel for organizing this and bringing this community together.  So happy ICLW everyone.  I look forward to meeting peaking into your lives this week.  And hopefully finding some new amazing blogs to add to my daily list.

Another baby

My brother's.  Born living this morning at 7:03 am EST.  I am grateful.  Grateful that my nephew is alive and well and that my brother and his wife can enjoy the happiness of their new son.  But I'm so sad.  I just feel sorry for myself.  And I hate myself for this (and I know it is normal....went through a lot of these feelings with IF) but I just don't think it is fair that they get to have this joy and I don't.  Now my brother....he is my best friend.  He was so understanding with my IF.  He was afraid to tell me they were pregnant.  He cried on the phone when he told me.  He didn't want to hurt me.  He always tries to protect me.  He cried and cried with me over Lydia's loss.  My grief is his grief.  He would have come out to be with me but his wife was at the end of her pregnancy so he couldn't leave.  He listened to me complain about mom and dad.  He agreed with me that they were being assy.  He is a good brother.  So I shouldn't feel so negative.  But I do.  It isn't fair.  They  NEVER HAVE SEX!!  They had a 6 month dry spell until my brother begged and his wife finally "gave in" one night.  And they got pregnant.  One time.  One.  They haven't had sex since.  She never got horny during pregnancy.  She doesn't like it I guess.  My point is they weren't even trying, never do it, and got pregnant, and now have a live beautiful son.  Me and K, we tried for years, I had 3 surgeries, I took clomid, I used OPKs, I took my temp every morning, I did acupuncture, I drank green tea, used pre.seed, did fertility yoga, we had sex all the time.  We did IVF!!!!  And I have nothing to show for it.  Just my tears and heartache.  I hate being so conflicted.  It hurts.  I love my brother more than anything.  His joy should be my joy.  But I'm so jealous and sad and mad.  

I have tell you that I took your advice and emailed my parents exactly what I put in my last post.  I think they get it now.  But I still haven't had the guts/heart whatever to actually talk to them.  They'll be busy with their new live grandchild now anyway.  So I can lay low for a bit.

Stages and boxes

I have no idea when you are supposed to feel the different stages of grief.  But I do know that today I'm mad.  I'm mad at God.  I'm mad at my doctors.  And I'm mad at my parents.  

I thought my parents would get this.  Sadly, they lost my 1 year old sister (born and died before me) due to a choking accident.  They know what it is like to lose a baby daughter.  Yes it is different.  They knew their baby.  They had her for a year.  But still they know loss.  And my stupid dad calls me everyday in his stupid happy singsong voice asking me how I'm doing.  How the f do you think I'm doing is what I wish I could say.  Instead I just choke out "the same".  He sends me retarded emails saying that I'll pick myself up from this just like when I was kid and fell off my bike and just picked myself up and got back on.  I'm sorry dad but it doesn't work like that.  I just can't get up.  I wish I could.  This is NOT THE SAME!!!  Conversations with my dad are down to about 20 seconds.  That is all I can take.  Then my mom gets on the phone.  She says she wants me not to fade into depression.  Excuse me mom.  I just lost my baby.  Just.  I am not depressed.  I am in grief.  I am in love with a baby who I'll never get to see again.  Why can't they just let me get over it in my way.  It has only been a frickin week.  I just don't get them.  And I'm pissed at them.  I've never ever raised my voice to my mother like I did during our last conversation.  And I don't care if it hurt her.  She hurt me when she said I just can't keep on crying all the time.  So I told her what you guys have been telling me.  I'm allowed to grieve.  I'm allowed time.  And I don't have time or energy to worry about her or dad's feelings.  The only person I can muster up the energy to care for besides me is K.  And the rest of my energy goes to Bailey.  Thats it.  Thats all I have.  

K went back to work today so I'm on my own.  I'm hoping that the packing will keep my mind busy.  One box done so far today.