Day 1

Didn't think I'd be excited as I was to get my period .   But I had a tiny feeling of joy, mixed with relief.  Only someone who is waiting to cycle understands this weird feeling I'm talking about.  To someone in this position,  cycle day one is a clean slate.  Its the start of a potentially BFPful month.  Well that won't be happening to me this month of course.  I started BCPs today.  Yesterday when I was at the pharmacy I thought for a second to pick up some OPKs because we could potentially have one of those break cycle BFPs.  Then I got back to reality.  BCPs Betsy.  You aren't getting pregnant this month Betsy.  You are on the pill again.  And you are having surgery that would harm a pregnancy anyway.   

I'm still excited to start BCPs again.  It means I'm that much closer to my FET.  I was also excited to call my RE office to get my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I'll hear back in a day or 2 when the surgery will take place.  I just want to get this surgery over with so I can concentrate on making my uterus a happy place again.  So I have things to look forward to.  

I discussed this odd feeling of hope with my therapist yesterday.  So yes I did decide to see a therapist.  So far I'm not sure that it is helping anything.  But I've only been to see her twice and realize that these things should take a long long time to work out.   It seems to me that she does quite a bit of the talking.  I imagined that she would just ask me lots of questions while I lay on the couch reflecting.  Nope.  There is a couch.  But I just sit on it.  I'll keep going.  I'm sort of curious to see how much this is going to help me.  Anyway, yesterday we discussed how conflicting it is to feel hope for a future pregnancy when I am still grieving the loss of Lydia.  The trick is to balance it.  And to not feel guilty about feeling hope.  This of course is much easier said than done.