And like that....I'm all happy again

I'm not manic! I was just checking in to the Nest TTC 6 months+ page and saw the incredibly wonderful news that another struggling TTCer has gotten her BFP. How can I be so sad about a person in my circle of friends getting knocked up but so happy about a girl I've never and will probably never meet in real life. I think it is because I know that my nestie friend has had a really hard time and I feel like she "deserves" it. Not that my real life friend doesn't. It is just something about the intimacy women on these message boards have......knowing the ins and outs of eachothers cycles and all the BFNs, to clomid, and REs, and IUIs. I don't know what happened with my real life friend (for all I know she could have had trouble too). But I don't begrudge her for not having trouble conceiving. I don't wish this on anyone. Not my worst enemy. There is just this weird and sad competition amongst our friends. And those who come in last lose. So I'm loosing. So stupid. This isn't a competition. I'm not in this to win. I'm in it to have a baby. Start a family. Why do I let myself get so bogged down with stupidity?

It ends now. No more jealousy. No more silly stupid crap. I love babies. I'll love our friend's baby. And from afar over the internet I'll love my nestie friend's baby.

I do not like the woman I was this morning. I do not like to feel like that. I'm over it. Positive Echloe is back.
Sorry if she is sappy. And sorry for rambling.

More than jealousy

Sometimes I get so upset when I here about someone else's pregnancy. It is kind of retarded. My husband calls me this morning to warn me that the emails will be flying about one of our friend's impending child. I was fine. I was happy. Now I'm a wreck. I wish I could blame it on the hormones but I know it is just me. It is just that I want what they have. And it doesn't help that another friend recently commented that we were the first to marry and will be the last to have a kid. Now it is absolutely true. I just want to go home right now and cry my eyes out. I should be happy for them. Them. I don't even really know which couple it is. I dare not look at my email. Yes I'm that crazy.

Now this doesn't happen with every pregnancy announcement mind you. I am happy for a lot of people. It is just in this particular friend group. My husbands friends. The friends who were too immature to even have girlfriends just a few short years ago. The friends that thought we were old and boring. What happened? How is it that I... the one who was giving all their eventual girlfriends wedding tips am the one who is struggling to just have a regular F-ing cycle not yet pregnant? I should have had a baby 2 years ago. I'm 32. I'm miserable.

Craptastic Day (work stuff)

So I'm finally getting some good results in the lab and am super excited about the data that I was collecting today when one of the supply tanks to my GC (gas chromatographer) empties. What the crap? How does one tank empty before the others? Its almost as though I've been sabotaged by someone, turning on this one tank and letting it run low. I don't understand how it could have run out. Now I've learned a valuable lesson. Always keep a spare. If I had a spare I would be running samples right now. But I don't have a spare. I have to order a new tank. And I can't do that now because it is lunch time and all the ladies that do the ordering are out to lunch. Craptastic.
Hopefully I can get a new tank ASAP so that I can finish my samples before Tuesday at the latest. I

two under two

My brother just told me that our friend's wife is pregnant with number 2 just 7 months after having their son. Lucky girl!!! Or unlucky. I mean, I would love to have a couple of kids who are close enough in age to be friends. But she will have to deal with 2 little babies at the same time. Twice the crying, twice the diaper changes, twice the worry. I think that it would be pretty hard to deal with. But my husband and his brother are just 13 months apart. His mom had to deal with having 2 little babies at the same time. And she dealt. Well I guess we will have to see how our friend and his wife deal with it. I'm sure they will be awesome.

But it makes me question if you can have two much of a good thing. My husband and I have always hoped for twins. And now with the clomid (if I ever get to take it...sigh) we will have much better odds of having them. But how would we do? Something to think about.

I'm on the pill

Yep. Back on the birth control pill. The purpose is to help me build up a lining, get a normal period, and then start clomid, have my hsg, have lots of sex and get pregnant. That is the plan. It is weird. I really didn't think the pill would be used in my getting pregnant arsenal. But whatever works.

All I can do is complain

I hate to be a whiner. I try to be a positive person. But enough is enough. I took my last Provera pill a week ago today. And where is my period. Nowheresville USA. This is getting so old. I just want to have my period so I can get my HSG, start my clomid, and have lots of sex. Mostly the last part. My husband has motivated big time the past few months. So I know that at least the trying will be fun. Plus he is so excited about the prospect of having twins. Me too actually. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Right now it is all about the flow. So come on flow. Get you big red a** over here already.

Town full of weirdos

So yesterday and today I had strange run-ins with odd people. Yesterday this shirtless guy in rollerskates and short shorts takes for ever and ever to cross the street and reaches his hand into my car for a high five. It was totally scary.

Then today, I'm walking along minding my own business when this load buzzing starts. I figured it was some car alarm or something but it kept getting closer. I figured out that it was coming from this guy who was walking toward me. I made the mistake of looking at him and then he would not stop staring at me. I got nervous, looked away and walked on. After a minute I turned to look at him and he was holding his fingers as if to aim a gun right at me. I walked away as fast as possible. I wasn't too scared. It was obvious he was not armed. But geeze, it freaked me out.

These things happen here though. I live in a town that is famous for drugged out hippies. Some of them went on to become yuppies with SUVs. But a lot of them are just nuts. I think I got t little more scared today because I was on campus at the University where I work. And do to all the recent school shootings I can't help but be a little on guard when a disturbed person fake points a gun at me.

Sure takes the mind of baby making. Or lack there of.