Here they are

I feel true hope this time!! Like, the kind of hope I felt while I was still pregnant. These embies look so much better to me than Nugget. The cells are more uniform. And if you look closely you can see that the one on top is busting out of the shell. So I really feel like we have a fighting chance this time around. I sang along to this on the drive home.

The acupuncturist I had today was wonderful. She has undergone IVF and FETs and pregnancy loss. But she was very encouraging. And really helpful. She checked on the timing of the doctors for me so I could pace my water intake. It worked great. For the first time I wasn't "exploding" during the pre-acupuncture treatment. And I didn't have to pee during the transfer either. I'm sad that this was the first time I've had her for treatment. If this FET works, I'll ask for her when I go in for pregnancy treatments.

There was another couple there today having a FET. My mind went to the poor couple in Ohio that had the embryo mix-up. But then I realized how those things are very rare occurrences and my clinic is super careful. They checked my id and the labels on the embies like 8 times. And I only had 2 embies whereas the other couple (who have suffered several losses sadly) were transferring 4.

I really hope that they have success too.

Well. I think I'm going to catch up the young and the restless and then take a nap. Happy Friday!!

Lil' old lady pill box

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I just needed a break from thinking about TTC again and just wanted to reflect to myself about the loss of our baby. It was really good for me. I survived. I did not transform into a ball of tears as I imagined. I lit a candle and remembered how it felt to be pregnant with her and how it felt to hold her and look at her pretty face. I imagined what she would look like if she had been born. And I felt a sense of peace. I was dreading the due date for so long, it is like a weight of was lifted off my shoulders once the day passed. Now if only I could get babycenter to stop sending me emails saying how my 2 week old is doing. : (

Thank you to everyone who reached out and sent me cards, emails, comments, or thoughts. I appreciated it so much and so did K. He was so touched that so many people were thinking about us and Lydia on her EDD. I think he is finally getting why I love this community so much.

Well now I feel ready for this new cycle. And I just bought myself a little old lady pill box to help organize all the pills I have to take for FET #2. It is so crazy all the stuff I have to take. Yes it is way easier than a fresh cycle, but still so many meds. Because I have to take multiples of some pills per day, sometimes I forget if I actually took the dose. I have a ton of things on my mind with work and have trouble sometimes keeping it all straight. So this organizer will help a ton. And it is cool because you can detach the day you are on and pop in your purse. Do you think green and purple plastic pill organizer works with Coach?

I get to start the oh so fun Progesterone in Oil on Sunday to simulate ovulation. And then the transfer is on Friday. I have all the meds. My lining looks great. Oh and we are transferring 2 embies this time. So I feel pretty good. I just need to make the acupuncture appointment and I'll be all set.

EDD

Tonight K and I will light a candle to remember our baby girl Lydia who we only briefly met. Our perfect little beauty stolen from us in April when she should have been born sometime this week. Our EDD was September 3rd. As soon as we learned that date it was burned in my brain. I couldn't wait for the day to meet her. I never would have guessed that the day we met would be so bitter. So cruel.

I wish we could have met today instead.

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One thing that I've learned from all of this is that I'm not the only one. There are way too many mothers that have lost their precious babies too soon. And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For that reason I'm going to do whatever I can to promote pregnancy loss awareness and try to raise funds in Lydia's name for research to prevent the type of loss that took her from us. I'm researching different organizations that I might want to use for this. Right now I'm thinking March of Dimes but I'll keep you guys posted on what we decide. But doing something like this makes me feel like I'm doing something for Lydia. And that makes me smile.