Friday, May 30, 2008

Best Finale Ever (lost spoilers)

I love Lost.  O.K. I don't just love it.  I adore it.  It is the most clever television series ever and has fantastic writing, and brilliant acting.  Last night I was on the edge of the couch as I watched my favorite character Desmond finally reunite with his long lost love Penny.
The love story of Desmond and Penny is probably the best love story ABC has ever given us.  They had to endure a separation of space and time.  Yes time.  But destiny reunited them.  
Normally I wouldn't compare real life to fiction but there are so many parallels to my life in Lost.  1st off, there is this overlying infertility theme.  Then there is the waiting.  They characters wait for rescue, wait for love.  And they have nothing to rely on but hope and faith.  And that is my story.  I am infertile.  Yikes.  There I said it.  Infertile.  And I have nothing but hope and faith left as I wait wait wait for sperm to meet egg.                                                         

I do have a lot of faith in my new RE office.  I was surprised and thrilled that they called me yesterday afternoon to check to see about my pregnancy test results and to remind me of which numbers to call when I start my period so they can keep track of my cycle.  Such great service.  Sure, we are going to pay a pretty penny (another connection to lost maybe), but it will be so worth it in the end if this works for us.  They are so on the ball.  So different than my OBGYN office.  A girl could get used to such great treatment.

O.K. so if you don't watch Lost, I hope that you will rent the DVDs and start watching it over the summer.  And if you do, yay for the best season finale ever.  The only sad thing is that we have to wait 9 months for the next season to start.  Is it random that that waiting for Lost to start again is the same as the gestational time for a human baby?  I think not.  Just another parallel to my life.  Hmmm......

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Does it have to be so stark white??

Negative tests are just awful.  Me standing in my pjs all squinty eyed trying to see a second pink line.  Turning the test this way and that. Wondering if I just can't see the 2nd line because the light in the bathroom is bad.  Go to the office and hold test under desk lamp.  Still nothing.   
Shower.  Look at the test again just in case.  Nothing.  Bleh

Thats that.  Now I just gotta hope and pray that my period doesn't show up until Monday.  Is prometrium strong enough to extend my luteal phase to 16DPO?  Oh please oh please oh please.  Can I just have this one thing go right?

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

13 DPO- one day until testing

I was startled awake this morning after a particularly vivid dream in which my doctor told my husband and me that I was pregnant.  And in the dream she was disappointed that we weren't excited enough.  But we were we just couldn't show it.  It was so strange, but so real at the same time.  I went back to sleep and when I woke the second time had the overwhelming feeling that my period had started.  I went to check and nothing....just leaky prometrium.  But even now I still feel crampy like my period is coming.  So I'm prepared for this cycle to end like all the others.  

Here are the reasons why a BFN would be tolerable.  

1.  Going to a wedding in Napa this weekend and am a huge wino.
2.  ummm, o.k. I don't have a number two.  

Well a quasi-#2 is that I think the IUI tentatively scheduled for next month will give us a good shot of really getting pregnant.  The one snafu here is that we are traveling mid month and that could happen right around ovulation time if I really am starting my period today.  Then we would just have to do timed intercourse again and wait for July.  I guess it is not the worst thing in the world.  I've waited this long.  But I would rather just be able to go on to the IUI.  So hopefully even if I'm not pregnant I won't get my period for a few more days and then ovulation will happen when we return from our trip and I'll be able to do the IUI.  

Stay away Aunt Flo.  Just for a few more days.  Stay away.

Monday, May 26, 2008


National Comment Leaving Month.  
It started yesterday and runs through June 25th.  
Anyway the point is to leave at least 5 comments a day on other blogs and to respond to at least one comment on your own blog.  I love this idea because I really like to check out other blogs, and I'm sure this will lead me to some new favorites.  

Plus reading all these blogs will keep me from overanalyzing my 2 week wait symptoms.  I'm 11 DPO today and so far am not going too crazy.  Hopefully NaComLeavMo will help me stay crazy free.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

So happy today

So I met with my new RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and it was great.  The place was really easy to find and clean and bright and airy.  And I love that everything is there.  They can do your labs there, do your ultrasounds, everything.  At the GYN, to get anything done I would have to run all round town with referrals in hand.  

So the doctor is this very sweet woman who explained everything really well and totally empathized with my situation.  She thought that it was a lot for someone my age to have had to go through two myomectomies (fibroid removal surgery) already.  And she did a quick ultrasound to check my lining and look at the uterus.  Unfortunately, she found 2 new fibroids.  However, they are small and in the muscle.  Not dipping into the uterus like my old one.  So they don't have to be treated.  However, she wants me to do a saline ultrasound to make sure that the divit (see previous posts for explanation on this), in my uterus is not a big deal.  If it is, I may have to do another hysteroscopy which I really really don't want to do.  If it isn't we will move forward to do IUI (intrauterine insemination) with clomid.  And I'm very excited and hopeful about doing the IUI.  It isn't too expensive and it increases our chance by 15%.  And because I heard all this success stories of women (mostly other nesties) getting pregnant with IUI I feel like maybe this is our best chance.  

I'm also happy because when she did my ultrasound she could tell that I had ovulated on the left side.  I was so relieved to hear that because fertility friend was telling my I hadn't ovulated.  I think my chart was harder for the program to analyze this month because clomid gave me hot flashes early in my cycle, so by the time I did ovulate it didn't look like a clear temp shift.  However, by my own scientific eye I knew that my significant temp dip and then rise was indicative of ovulation.  But when you don't see those lovely crosshairs it is easy to second guess yourself.  Anyway, since she could tell that I did indeed ovulate I don't have to get my cycle day 21 bloodwork today.  Yay.  I hate having my blood drawn.  

Monday, May 19, 2008

I look like a pervert

I keep squeezing my boobs!  This is a stupid action to take especially since my boobs are achy.  It is a like a little ocd or something.  I just keep doing it to make sure that my boobs still hurt.  And I want them to hurt because it is a sign that my body is working.  That progesterone is being produced and ovulation has occured.  That I'm actually in the two week wait.  I don't do it in public or anything.  That of course would be over the top.  So I'm just a little crazy.

Is it too obvious to blame this all on hormones.    

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

So now you call....

So my other doctor. My GYN, calls and leaves me a voicemail that there is all this comotion about me in their office. Apparently he was finally (what like 3 weeks later) given all the messages that I've been calling trying to get my info. Or was it just that my PCP called and complained about me not being able to get my test results, and wanted them to be explained to him so that he could then explain them to me (since he is a general practitioner). Anyways, my GYN sounded a little annoyed that I went around him. Of course I don't give a *uck. But why call me now to just be pissy. Then he goes on to talk about the divit and say that we could check to make sure that it isn't another fibroid by having diagnostic hysteroscopy. WHAT! Hello, I'm trying to conceive a baby here. I don't want another fricken hysteroscopy. I've already had two. One that was unsuccessful and a waste of time. And one that left the divit but was successful in removing the fibroid which would have caused issues had it been left in. But now I just want to get on with my life. I'm going to the specialist. I'm not dealing with this guy again until I get pregnant. And I don't even know if I'll return to him then. But I kind of feel like I should since he is a fibroid expert and if it grows back I would want him to be able help me have a successful delivery.

I could kiss him

My primary care doctor is the greatest.  Not only did he actually call me back personally to let me know for sure what my HSG and day 21 bloodwork meant (they were both normal and the little divit from my old surgery shouldn't be a problem thank God thank God).  He also got me a referral to see an actual fertility specialist.  At the same clinic that a bunch of Northern California Board girls swear by and recommended to me.  Yay Yay Yay.  I'm doing a happy dance in my chair right now.  And I called and got an appointment for next Tuesday.  I'm thrilled.  That totally beats July 2nd, for the doctor who also specializes in diabetes.....give me a break.  I don't want no diabetes doctor.  I want someone who provides BFPs day in and day out.  Looks like I'm going to get that now thanks to my wonderful wonderful Primary Care doctor.  

Monday, May 12, 2008

This is why HMOs suck

So I go to my primary care doctor to try to get an RE referral.  I thought it would be fairly simple.  No!  Well I shouldn't be too annoyed, my doctor was really nice.  He tried right away to get my test results from my day 21 bloodwork (which was 35), and got the lowdown on my HSG results (they were normal except for the small cavity that was once home to a fairly large fibroid).  But that took about an hour of time while I just waited in the room listening to a Lost podcast.  And then he said he would call me about the fertility specialist tomorrow.  Tomorrow.  Come on.  I just want to know what I'm supposed to do with myself.  I guess carryon as planned.  This week should be my "fertile window".  But I've kind of lost all hope that we will be able to do this on our own.  So I want to see an expert.  Why does this have to be so hard??

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I'm not asking for much

So I really hate my OBGYN office.  They have really really poor customer service.  After my HSG nobody called me with an update (good thing the ultrasound doctor explained that everything looked good, but he told me specifically that the OBGYN office would call with a full report).  I tried calling them and keep getting told, "the MA hasn't checked her voicemail, the MA will call you back, the MA is in the other office today sorry".  Then I had bloodwork to check my progesterone levels to make sure that I ovulated on clomid.  I call and call and get the same lines. I've already started my 2nd round without really knowing that it worked.  O.K.  my chart tells me that I did.  I'm certain I felt Ovulation pains, and I used to Ovulate on my own semi-regularly so I do think it worked.  However, what was the point of the blood test then.  To tell me for sure.  So now I don't know for sure and I'm sick of it.  Errrr.  After getting the run around for over a week I decided to call for a referral to see an RE.  I figure this could kill 2 birds with one stone.  Get me out of the crazy OBGYN office for a while, and get me the proper monitoring and care so I can get pregnant already.  
Well wouldn't you know that the frickin referral I get is for some dinky 2 doctor practice where one of the doctors is going on maternity leave.  So there is just one doctor.  And her next available appointment is July 2.  WTF.  I live in the San Francisco area.  There are tons of reproductive specialty offices that could probably fit me in at a reasonable time.  And to make me even more pissed, my stupid OBGYN office hasn't faxed over my referral to them yet.  

So I decided to just go around my OBGYN.  I called my primary care physicians office.  And wouldn't you know that I got a nice woman on the phone who scheduled me for Monday so I can talk to him about getting a referral.  Hopefully he'll be able to get me into a better staffed office in a more reasonable time frame.  

Thursday, May 1, 2008 I'm not

I really thought I had a chance this time. Especially after reading Ariel's comment on my last post. Gnaaah.  I knew it was too good to be true.  I got my period today.  

So back to the drawing board.  I'm trying to get an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.  I did get a referral so hopefully I can get an appointment for sometime soon.  

And I have a refill for clomid so I'll do that again starting Saturday.  Maybe the second round will do the trick.