Monday, September 29, 2008

Half the family knows... and What's with Cheryl

So this weekend we told my husband's mom about everything.  It felt really good to lay it out on the table.  I think that she took it well for the most part.  But I got the impression that she thought IVF was too drastic a move.  She didn't say anything though.  Just asked random questions about egg harvesting (which scares her) and how many embryos will be placed (she is also very scared of multiples).  

What I really wanted her to understand was where we are coming from, especially in our planning for the holidays.  Their family has big Christmases.  Lots of gifts, lots of decor, and lots of food.  We switch off between visiting my family and his for Christmas
 every year.  And this year it is their turn.  But if my IVF schedule gets in the way, well obviously I'm not traveling anywhere.  My husband is really upset about this but I just don't care.  There is no way I'm putting this off for one more month.   I think he will feel better about it if his family comes to term with us possibly not making it home.  

So what is with Cheryl Burke from Dancing with the stars.  I think she is looking a little heavier.  Not bad.  I think she looks great actually but not as skinny as she looked in past years (as in the photo below with Ian Ziering).
  If she has put on some weight 
and is still strutting her stuff I think it is a great thing for television.    This season she is paired up with Maurice Green who I once upon a moon had a major crush on.  I was a high school 200 meter sprinter with
 a thing for Olympic stars.  Anyway, I like this pairing but really think my overall favorite is Warren Sapp.  For a huge guy he really has twinkle toes.  I think he has the good shot of winning the mirrorball this season.  

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Baby Mama (spoiler warning)

O.K. so although many of you may have already seen this movie, I waited for it to come out on dvd.  But I figured I would place a little spoiler warning for those of you who haven't watched it yet.  If you haven't watched and still want to then I would not read below the line

Alright so I thought it was really lame. I know it is a movie, but come on.  It was completely unrealistic.  For those of us IF soldiers it is one of those slap in the face scenarios where the woman can't get pregnant and tries everything only to magically get pregnant once she thought she was having a baby via a surrogate.  What the hell.  And it really annoyed me that the surrogate did not get a beta after her transfer.  I know it would have changed the plot slightly but it would have made a lot more sense.  Then there is the case of the Tina Fey character only finding out that she has a T shaped uterus after all of her 9IUIs and IVFs fail.  WTF.  Wouldn't she have found that out before hand.  Whatever.  

The one thing I did like was the annoyance that Tina Fey felt over the surrogate company owner getting pregnant at a late age naturally.  I could actually relate to that.  

Altogether it was a relatively cute film.  I expected more from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  I just thought it would have been a lot funnier.    

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Its Official

We are moving on to IVF.  At my  RE appointment today we went over all that is to come.  In six weeks I will start birth control pills and take them for 10 days, Lupron for 10 days, Follistim  8-14 days. hCG shot, then egg retrieval 36 hours later.   O.K. if it weren't for reading all these blogs and message board posts I'm sure my jaw would have hit the floor when my RE mentioned taking the pill.  The last thing I would equate with getting pregnant is taking the pill.  I'll forever more look at it as a waste of countless dollars to prevent me (hahahahaha) from getting pregnant.  I could have taken that money, saved it up, invested it, and been able to pay for IVF.  Hindsight makes us wise!!

When she showed me the pictures of the blastocysts I started to get dreamy.  I could just imagine my little blastocysts developing in the petri plate.  All sweet and multi-cellular.  It is kind of fitting with me being a biologist that my own baby will be conceived in a lab, incubated, cultured.  It is what I do every day.  So I find it kind of cool.  And my doctor didn't mind me asking her all sorts of dorky embryology questions.  

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this.  I mean, I thought I would dread it.  Like it was the last hope or something.  But I really feel like this is going to work for us.  And I can't wait to get started.  

It also gives me approximately 6 weeks to get my butt in gear and lose some weight.  So in addition to the belly dancing, fertility yoga, and jogging with my #1kiddo Bailey (my dog), I will be actively dieting.  Nothing severe.  Just trying to go down 10lbs.  We'll see what happens.  But it will give me something else to focus on while I wait wait wait until I get to start the birth control pill.

Monday, September 22, 2008

This will be a good week

My husband keeps trying to tell me that a positive mental attitude leads to positive outcomes.  So I'm going to try it by making a list of everything that will make me happy this week.
1.  ICLW, for those of you wonder about the cute little puppy icon but have been too lazy to click on it, it is for International Comment Leaving Week.  This week have to comment on 5 new blogs and return one comment.  A total of 6 blogs a day.  The best part of ICLW is that I get to read all these new blogs that I probably wouldn't have come across otherwise.  There is some good stuff out there.  And as more and more of the writers of my favorite blogs get pregnant (I get a ton of inspiration from those blogs so I'll keep reading them of course) I have to add new ones to my blog roll of people still trying like me so that I can have stuff to read that I can relate to.  And ICLW is the perfect vehicle for this.  So if you haven't done so, click on the puppy icon and find out what it is all about.

2.  I have always looked forward to the new fall season of tv shows.  I always get a thrill out of seeing cliffhangers get resolved and checking out the new programs to see if I like them.  This fall I'm really looking forward to Grey's Anatomy.  It has really wonderful writing and I love where the story line is going.  But I'm also really into Dancing with the Stars which is just a cheesy reality show.  That isn't all.  I love How I met your Mother, Private Practice, Brothers and Sisters and Desperate Housewives.   Thank goodness we have a DVR.    

3.  We have a new guy at work.  This is good because a new person always changes the social dynamics of the lab.  We were in this stagnant situation of a bunch of 20 something grad students who were really loud and obnoxious all day long.  There were only 3 of us more mature quite types.  This guy is a little older and has kids.  So I'm going with the assumption that he'll be in the quiet group.  Already I've noticed that the volume has gone done a ton.  Lets hope it stays like this.

4.  I'm signing up for belly dancing.  There is this new studio in my neighborhood and it looks like fun.  And I could use some activity around my middle.  Stress eating all summer is not good for the waistline.   

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Save the drama

Why oh why do things have to be so difficult.  My brother in law (BIL) and sister in law (his wife) are expecting their first baby.  And of course this is a wonderful event for the family.  But it just happened that they announced their pregnancy a few days after I found out that I would need a 3rd myomectomy to remove uterine fibroids.  I was very emotional and very jealous.  But I was happy for them too.  But the hurt I was feeling for myself took over everything.  But I made myself send them a congratulatory card and a few baby gifts.  And it took a lot of me to do it.  A lot.  I think only those of you who have experienced these types of feelings can understand.

Lets go back in time a bit-  BIL has always had it in for me.  Didn't congratulate me for getting my PhD.  Didn't want me to be in the family only wedding photos even though I had already been a member of their family for 3 years at the time (My husband and his grandma made me stand in the photos anyway).  I have many more examples of this behavior.  The other thing is he is very self-centered.  If he has done well at something we all better bow down to his majesty.  He sent us out a Christmas List every year even though he is an adult, and called to ask my husband if something was wrong because he hadn't recieved his annual birthday gift on time (it was in themail).  Good grief.

Fast forward to now-  So I didn't shower him and his wife with praise for managing to get pregnant on the first try.  So I haven't actually talked to them about it.  But I did send something.  Well I had the afore mentioned surgery two weeks ago, still managed to send him out a thoughtful birthday gift (on-time), and I have heard nothing from him or his wife.  I don't expect them to call me.  At this point they may even be trying to shield me in some way and that is why they haven't called to see what is going on with me.  Haven't sent an email.  A text.  Anything would be acceptable by me.  But nothing.  Perhaps I deserve this.  But I really thought by sending the card and gift it would have been enough for them to know I care.  

Fast forward to last years surgery-  When thinking about it I really don't remember them calling or anything after that surgery either.  So maybe it isn't that they are mad at me now.  Maybe they just don't really care one way or the other.

Back to now- I really don't know what is going to happen to this family.  I do not want to be the one responsible for all the drama.  But I don't really know how to fix this.  I don't know if I can.  Believe me when I say talking to them about this will not do a thing.  The only thing that could possibly work is me calling them and asking detailed questions about their pregnancy and sending lavish gifts and cash.  But that only helps one side.  I don't think that they will ever really treat me with kindness, ever.  
My mother in law is coming next weekend to "show her support" of my IF and surgery and all that.  I wonder if it would do any good to explain any of this to her.  What do you think?  Will this just make things worse.  My poor husband is stuck in the middle.  

Monday, September 15, 2008

More To Think About

O.K. so it is as my husband described it.  My RE said that there is stage 3 endometriosis mostly behind my uterus and tubes, and she couldn't really clean that up.  She did remove a ton of scar tissue that she found on my uterus and around that area.  And my tubes are open and functional.  However,........ the endo tissue is restricting movement of the fimbriae of my tubes and that could prevent them from catching a newly released egg.  So IVF is our best option.  IVF! I'm ready for this.  My husband is ready for this.  We are ready to shell out thousands of dollars that we have been saving away and we are ready for the drugs, and multiple doctor visits.  Our parents our supporting this new turn.  But there is one thing that I'm afraid of.  One thing thing that is holding me back.  

What happens to any extra embryos that aren't inserted?  There is no way that I would kill them.  But could we keep them on ice forever?  Now I know at this point this is just speculation because I haven't even started the process yet and may not even get any fertilized embryos.  My husband thinks I've stepped into crazy Catholisism here.  We are both Catholic and go to church semi-regularly.  And I don't follow all of the church's beliefs.  But I do believe that life begins at conception.  Even if it does happen in a petri dish.  And any little embryos that are created in that dish would be our children.  So I would not allow them to be destroyed.  We talked about saving them for later on for future children.  But I've read about some women having upwards of 9 frozen embryos.  To reiterate, I know that it is silly to think of this stuff now.  That I may not even end up with a lot of embryos, or I might use them up just to get pregnant with one healthy child.  Who knows.  We are still only just starting to talk about this stuff.  

I go in this afternoon to have the balloon removed from my uterus.  Hopefully things are healing o.k. in there.  I started acupuncture again just as an extra help.  I really couldn't deal with any more scar tissue problems.  And I have an eight week protocol of estradiol/prometrium, estradiol/prometrium.  And a saline sonogram to check the lining of the uterus and to break up any new adhesions that may form.  After that we will resume treatments.  So it is back to waiting around.  But at least we can take the time to really think things through. 

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Still Sore

I feel much better today.  I actually motivated to shower and get changed, and I had a small breakfast too.  Now I'm eating a little of my favorite ice cream Phish Phood by Ben and Jerry.  So yummy.  My throat is still raw from the tubes they used during the surgery.   So the ice cream helps.  I'm also enjoying all the rest.  I nap when I want and have basically just been laying around.  I think that by tomorrow I'll be fine.  After my doctors appointment I'm going to take my mom shopping.  I figure if I actually give myself a task I'll be more liable to do it.  I really don't want to spend another full day in bed.    But of course I'll still rest.  The last thing I want to do is cause more scar tissue to form.  

Having mom here is a joy.  She is taking really good care of me and has cleaned our house from top to bottom.  It is great to have her deliciously cooked meals.  And just nice to visit with her since she lives so far away.  It is nice to be mothered like this.  I wonder if this is what it will be like when she comes to stay with us after we have a baby?  

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Post Op

  I'm alive.  Yay.  I am such a baby, I really felt like yesterday could have been my last day even thought the chances of something going wrong were really low.  But my mind was all over the place.  What if there is an earthquake and the doctor pierces a vital organ by accident?  What if I get MRSA or some other antibiotic resistant bacterial infection from being in a hospital?  But so far so good.  My RE just called me to tell me that she is calling in an antibiotic prescription as well as one for estrogen to help me to heal faster.  
So the good news is that she was able to clean out all of the scar tissue from the uterus that was probably caused by my last hysteroscopy.  Apparently after fibroid removal the uterus collapsed and then as it grew back to its normal shape the scarring occurred.  Well now it is all removed and the uterus is clean.  Also my tubes are open.  
The bad news is that she found endometriosis on the outside of the uterus and around the fallopian tubes.  This could mean my best bet at conception is IVF.  I'm o.k. with that though.  It is more expensive but I don't really care about the money now.  I'm just ready to start a family.
So whatever.  As long as my uterus can grow a baby to term, I'm happy.  And now it can, so I'm happy.  
To prevent my uterus from collapsing again I have a balloon in there that will be removed next week.  And I will have my bandages removed then as well.  

So now I'm just relaxing in bed with my laptop and watching The View.  My mom is busy cleaning and making homemade chicken soup for me.  So this isn't so bad.  

Thanks to everyone that wished me well.  I really think it helped.  

Sunday, September 7, 2008

TAG (A little late)

I just realized that I was tagged on August 16th by Christine.   Whoops.  

The Rules:
1.  Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3.  Write 6 random things about yourself
4.  Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5.  Let each peron you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6.  Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Six Random things about me
1.  I'm a geek.  Really and truly.  For instance, yesterday when I was that my strawberries were covered in fungus I said to the fungus "Mucor, you suck for eating my strawberries."  I called a fungus by its scientific name.  I spoke to the fungus.  Geek!

2.  I was in a sorority and I loved it.  And no it was not a geek sorority.  We were the party girls.  

3.  I have a crush on John Mayer.  And I was glad that he dumped Jennifer Aniston.

4.  I've been watching The Young and The Restless since I was about 5 years old.  Still loving it.

5.  I used to be addicted to Peppermint Altoids.  And I would crunch 5 or 6 at a time in my mouth and could finish a pack in 5 minutes.  It was gross.   I had to quit and now I never eat even one because I know I'll fall back into the same habit.

6.  If I thought for a minute that it would be successful I would leave my career behind and open up a high end dog/cat good store.  I spend a lot of money in those stores in Bailey and love looking at all of the cute collars and fancy treats and crap.  I'm a sucker for that stuff.

Tag, you're it!
1. Sassy
3. Pmarie ('cause you really need to update your blog girl)
5. JenM

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pre-Op appointment

O.K. isn't this hat and bootie super cute?  Yes I need to make the 2nd bootie.  I just finished the 1st one  and am so in love that I had to take a photo and share it.   I am trying to motivate to do the second one now before going to bed.    Anyway these are for my friend Erin who is having a baby girl next month.  Her shower is on the 4th and I wanted to make a few pairs of booties for her.  Anyone who knits knows that they are pretty easy to make, but look so sweet on little baby feet.  I hope that she likes them.  

O.K. so my pre-op appointment went well.  They just took my blood pressure, weighed me, and then my RE listened to my heart and lungs.  We went over the surgery plan and how I'm not supposed to eat or drink anything after midnight, etc.  And she wrote me a prescription for vicodin and one for a cervix softener.  She asked me if I had taken this cervix medicine for any other procedure and was surprised that I hadn't as it is supposed to really help.  I was thinking that would have been a great idea for them to give me this medicine before the painful HSG and sonohysterograms.  But of course I only get it for the procedure that I'll be knocked out for.  Go Figure.  Anyway, I'm all set I guess.  Just have to pick up my meds and show up on time Tuesday morning.  I just want it over with already.  I'm so ready to start cycling again.  I wanna knit stuff for my own baby too.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

It was beautiful

I'm back from vacation and survived the first day back at work.  It was so relieving because I 'fessed up to my 2 closest work friends that I'm having the surgery next week.  I figured that someone besides my boss should know.  And it was so nice to share this with other people.  I'm so glad that I did too.  Friend 1 hugged me and got really sad for me and gave me her support, then Friend 2 told me that she has 'problems with her pipes' too and said that no one really talks about it but then when someone does you find out that everyone else has issues too.  So they both made me feel better.  

K (aka my husband) and I decided that a return trip to Australia is a must.  The country is just too big to see everything in just 2 weeks.   Needless to say we loved it.  It was quite the adventure.   But also very relaxing. We saw so many cool things.... the great barrier reef, the sydney skyline, an opera at the famed sydney opera house. 
 And we met a bunch of cool people.  One man in particular had a positive impact on us.  We met him on our tour to Port Douglas and a really cool nature preserve (where you can hold Koala Bears...and I did of course).  Gary was about 50 years old with downs syndrome, traveling on his own, totally with it and making friends.  And he was sooooo happy.  He told us all about his home in Tasmania, how much he loved his job and friends, and how he won a gold medal in the special olympics for softball.  His company really made the lunch we shared with him a lot of fun.  Before the trip I'd been really unhappy.  Sulking around with all my issues.  So it did my heart good to be around Gary.  Even if just for a little while.  K felt the same way.

So all that happy feeling and plain old relaxing really did the trick for me.  I feel really positive about next weeks procedure.  And my mom is coming to stay with us for 2 weeks since I'll need a little help and I'm so excited to have her around.   And the sweetest thing..... K's mom really wanted to come and support me too and decided to come at the end of September so that we don't have too much company all at once.  I'm just so touched that she would fly out here to help out (even though hopefully I'll be totally fine by the time she gets here).