Monday, December 29, 2008

Feeling Positive Today

Thanks to everyone who made me feel better about my low betas.  Especially militarywife who I got to meet last night for the first time.  Your positive vibes have done wonders for my psyche.  I don't know what I would do without this great community of women.  Thank you thank you thank you.

I went to a couple of different websites and they all show that my betas are adequate even though on the lower side.  So I am feeling much better about this pregnancy.  In fact as I write this I'm all crampy (which I hear is a good symptom) so I feel like that is a good sign that the baby is growing.  So  I think we'll be fine on Wednesday.  Everyone here feels good about the baby too.   We hadn't planned on announcing anything since we weren't sure.  But my Mother in law guessed that I was pregnant since I wasn't having any coffee (which is usually a staple for me).  We were sitting around chatting at the kitchen table and she was working on a sudoku puzzle.  She said "Betsy I just have to ask you something but I'm gonna write it down o.k."  So I was like what is this 9th grade.  When she scribbled  are you pregnant I was shocked.  I really didn't know how she could of guessed.  I answered maybe and explained why I wasn't too excited.  I was practically in tears but of course she was ecstatic.  She said the same thing you all said.  As long as it doubled that is good enough for her to think we are o.k.  I told her that she wasn't allowed to say anything to anyone else in the family.  But then the following day, my sister in law asked me if I was pregnant because she noticed I hadn't been drinking.  We have 3-4 types of wine on Christmas and usually I love to partake.  So I guess it was kind of obvious to anyone who paid any attention.  So we ended up telling her and my father in law.  It is killing me not to tell the grandparents though.  It would be wonderful to tell them in person.  But you guys know how it is.    Anyway I'm a little sad that we couldn't do something cute to tell them.  But there is still my parents.  They knew every last detail of the IVF stuff and are just waiting to hear from me.  I know they must be anxious.  So I will think of some cute way to tell them.  They live overseas so we have to tell them via skype.  

Today is our last full day in Denver and we are going to hit the malls to see if we can get some other deals.  We are also going to my Brother in laws house to spend some quality time with our newborn nephew.  The next time we see him he'll look completely different so we wanna take in all the sweet new babyness now.  How exciting that he'll have a cousin so close in age.  

Friday, December 26, 2008

Can nothing about this process be easy?

So I had beta number 2 today.  And it did double.  Thank God for that.  However my numbers are really low.  It is only 30.  That is not good.  I have a third beta scheduled for Wednesday when I get home.  But for now I'm still at my inlaws and everyone is driving me crazy because there is a newborn here and my mother in law and father in law are going gaga over our new nephew.  They have every right to.  And the kid is pretty darn cute.  But we can't announce our news because right now we still do not know if everything will be o.k.   This pregnancy at this point is not strong.  I'm praying hard that my baby decides to stick around for the long haul.  But you never know.  

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Guess I'll have to change the title of this blog

Because I'm PREGNANT!!!! We found out yesterday as the on call RE called my cell phone with the news as we were headed out the door to the airport. I almost peed my pants. I tried to do a quick update from my iphone yesterday but couldn't figure out how to post. So here it is a day late. This is the best Christmas present I've ever gotten.

I have to do a second beta somewhere in Denver tomorrow. Hopefully we'll be able to find a lab corps here. Does anyone know of one?

Merry Christmas Girls and Happy Hannukah. I hope you all have a beautiful and blessed day today.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear Stick and Attachy

I just wanted to let you know how happy daddy and I will be if you decided to stay with us.  We'll know tomorrow when I get my blood test and I am anxious to find out.  But deep down I feel like you are still with us.  That you are comfy cozy and growing strong.  We love you so much already.  Even it it is silly.  Even if you decided not to hang around.  We still love you.  We always will.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

My Silver Lining and 5dp5dt

So Andrea over at Bella and Her Fella gave me the Every Uterus Has a Silver Lining Award.  This award is supposed to be spread to blogs that make you smile.  I have so many that I would like to share this with.  So here are the awardees
Maria Luisa @The worms
Peachy at Peachy does IVF
Sweet Georgia at none in the oven

If you are visiting here from ICLW I highly recommend visiting the awardees.
Also for visitors I would like to give a some background and update.

I'm a fibroid survivor.  They are the main cause of my IF.  I've had 3 surgeries to remove the fibroids and scar tissues.  Now my uterus is free and clear and is hopefully housing a couple of beautiful embryos that we transferred on Tuesday via In Vitro Fertilization.  I have my beta on Wednesday.  And of course Wednesday is Christmas Eve.  And we are taking the test right before we get on a flight to visit my husbands family.  So this could be a really great Christmas or a really crummy one.   But I think it is going to happy.  I feel really positive that the baby/babies are snug and sticking around for the next 9 months.  

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Step 5

So I'm sitting here a pregnant woman.  I mean, having embabies in utero =pregnant in my book.  My transfer was a success.  Two perfect blastocysts  (sticky mcstickerson and attachy) are now home.  I have a picture of them but DH took it with him when he left the clinic.  So I'll have to scan it in later to share.  

So here is the low down.  I went in a met the acupuncturist for me pre-transfer treatment and as I was taking off the fertility socks
 I remembered that I hadn't filled my bladder.  Crap.  Luckily I was there early for the acupuncture so I was able to down a couple of glasses of water before acu and then one after.  This treatment was different than normal.  No needles in the belly and a few in the ears.  Those ones kind of hurt for a sec.  But I felt peaceful and my pulse was perfect after.  Then I was brought back to the transfer room and the tech attempted to find my uterus behind my quasi-full bladder.  Of course I had to drink some more.  But at least it wasn't too uncomfortable.  I waited around in the room drinking water and reading magazines.  I also whipped out my iphone and snapped this picture which makes my legs look wicked fat but, this is the view from the transfer chair.
 By the time K showed up I really started to feel the fullness of my bladder.  K had to drive in on his own since I didn't want him to have to wait for my acu treatments since he is really busy at work.  My RE was late due to a surgery and I got more and more uncomfortable as the clock ticked.  I gave up and had to pee some of it away.  The nurse told me to count to seven slowly and then stop.  Agony!
I know you don't want to read about my urine but I had to share since this was the hardest part of the day.
Of course my RE showed up just as I was leaving the bathroom.  Luckily there was still enough water in there to work with.  My RE got a clear shot of my cervix and uterus, inserted an empty practice catheter and we were good to go.  The lab worker came in and asked me my name and then how many embryos we were transferring and then went to the incubator to get them.   It was so cool seeing the real catheter go in and get in place to deliver Sticky and Attachy to their home.  K held my hand and we watched the little starry image show up on the screen.  The lab worker went to check the catheter to make sure both blasts made it out and we were so glad she did that because one was stuck in the catheter.  So we reinserted it and this time you could clearly see the little star fly into my uterus.  I wish I could have videotaped it.  My RE was so sweet.  She held my hand and wished me luck and went over all the post transfer/beta stuff with me.  Anyway, I then stayed put for 5 mins, and then K kissed me goodbye and left for a meeting.   And after peeing for about 5 minutes straight my acupuncturist came in for treatment #2.  I felt so peaceful and happy then.  I feel the same way now.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Step 4

So I had my Egg Retrieval yesterday.  Like my funky Christmas socks?  
It turned out to be an emotional day.  The day started with the 40 minute drive to the headquarters of my RE clinic.  I usually go to one of the satellite offices that is about 10 minutes from my house.  Anyway, every bump and crack in the road was torture.  My ovaries were huge and oh so ready to be emptied.  Once we arrived at the RE clinic and I felt fine.  I was excited and happy to loose some of the bloat.  The nurses took K and I back to the surgery center.  It was so neat.  I was surprised to see a real surgery area hidden away in the back of the clinic.  I had always just thought that the door we went through was just another exam room.  Anyway, I changed into my gown, put on my hair net thingy, got my IV put in and as the meds started to flow the nurse reminded that my E2 was really high and that I had to watch out for hyperstimulation.  And I started to feel nauseous.  I never get nauseous.  I haven't thrown up in about 6 years.  Seriously.  Anyway I got scared and started to cry.  It was so pathetic.  I calmed down a bit and K got me to laugh about something or the other.  But then a new nurse came around to insert some antibiotics or something to the IV and started to mention the OHSS and I lost it.   I was just terrified.  My RE came over then and got me to calm down by telling me that she would be administering a special medicine to help with the fluid retention.  She always manages to calm me down. Have I mentioned how much I love my RE.

O.K. so anyway I kissed K goodbye and he went to do his part, I went to the surgery suite and asked my anesthesiologist where he got his degree and then I was out.  All I remember next is waking up in the other room and feeling o.k.  My RE came by my bed to tell me that we got 18 mature eggs, and 10 others.  So she was pleased.  And we were pleased.  They started to give me gatorade and saltines and made sure that I pee'd and then sent me on my way.

I slept the rest of the day until I was woken up by puppy Bailey.  He was so cute.  He came over to my side of the bed to check on me and decided it was crazy that I was in bed at dinner time.  So he started to bark at me like get up mom get up and play.  Of course I just stayed in bed.  So he jumped up on the bed and snuggled in next to me.  Bailey is not allowed on the bed!  He knows it and has never jumped up on the bed.  But I was so happy to have him there giving me doggie hugs that I just let him stay for a minute or two before scolding him and making him get down.  

The last part of my uber exciting day was the PIO shot.  I was as scared of this as I was scared of developing OHSS.  For reals.  I have control issues and letting K stab me with a needle just isn't my thing.  But he was awesome.  And it didn't hurt at all.  He praised me for taking it like a trooper and massaged the oil in.  I was proud of him.  

So that was that.  This morning my RE called me herself to inform me that 13 of my eggs fertilized.  13 embies.  13!  I'm thrilled with that number.  So now we wait to hear on Sunday whether we should come in for a 3 day transfer or whether things look good to wait for Tuesday 5 day transfer.  So today I feel happy.  More bloated.  But happy.  I am drinking only gatorade and just had a bunch of saltines.  I think I may have some miso soup for lunch.  That is salty right?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Step 3

Trigger Shot.  I can't believe Egg Retrieval is so close. Thursday at 10:30 they go in and grab all these eggs.   It seems like just yesterday I started BCPs for all this.  ---Deep Breath---  I get more and more excited for Thursday as the day goes on.  My nurse called today with tons of instructions for what to do to prepare tomorrow night.  I have to take doxycycline and no food or drink after midnight.  We are supposed to arrive at the clinic  at 9:30 with picture i.d.s at hand.  I think the picture ID thing is funny.  But I guess it is to ensure that they mix the right sperm and eggs.  It is nice to know that they take precautions so we don't end up like some soap opera story where the woman gets inseminated with her enemy's egg that was mixed with her husbands sperm.  Yikes!  Still, bad things could happen.  What if they can't get any eggs?  What if none fertilize?  What if none divide?  I just want it to be Friday already so I know what is going on.  Better yet, can we just fast forward to beta day.      

Monday, December 8, 2008

Speak out, Speak up

So Andrea at Bella and Her Fella was kind enough to give me this award for speaking up on the topic of infertility.  I am so honored to have been picked by such a great blogger.  Her journey has not been easy but she is navigating infertility like a champion.  And I know that ultimately she will win the battle.  I don't think I deserve this though.  Yes, I do talk about IF on my blog.  I do wear my infertility's common thread.  But I don't really talk about infertility.  I only just opened up about this to my immediate family.  And it is wonderful sharing with them.  My parents are just amazing.  They ask all the right questions and make me feel so supported.  And my brother cheers me on every time we talk.  However, I don't talk to my friends about this.  I sneak out of work to my appointments.  I still haven't talked to anyone in the waiting room at my RE clinic.  I don't speak out or speak up.  Not for real!  But I guess that isn't really the point.  I guess just talking about this at all (be it only online or for real) and sharing my battle in some capacity merits getting this award.  That being said I want to nominate some women who are also fighting IF and who I pray will win the battle.     I nominate  my TTTC sister Deb at Yes, I tried that too...
The Worms Inconceivable
Peachy Kate at Peachy does IVF
and Military Wife at militarywifealways

Saturday, December 6, 2008

And they just keep coming

Holy Moly.  My ovaries are on fire.  Todays count was 23 on the left and 12 on the right.  Luckily a bunch of them are the same size and the largest now are size 14.  My RE predicts that  my Embryo Retrieval will be Wednesday.  But since I have so many follies I am also producing a crap ton of estrogen.  So my E2 has been really high the past couple of days.  My RE changed up my meds (lowered the stims), and I have to go in daily for follie checks and blood draws.  This is to help ensure that I don't end up with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.   I'm not too scared of this because my RE seems to have things under control.  But you never know.    
Today I have to add ganirelix which should help with the high estrogen levels.  And we are bumping up the stims again.  It sort of feels like I'm on a little roller coaster ride.  

My husband went with me today for the scan and was amazed at my crazy big ovaries.  He kept doubting that I could really feel  anything from the follies but now believes me.  I'm so uncomfortable.  I'm really looking forward to my ER.  

After the doctor appointment we went and checked out cars.  We've been arguing over what kind of car to get for over 6 months.  I like the rav4 and cx7.  I also like the outback.  My husband likes sports cars, but we already have an A4 and I really want something bigger.  But he just can't bite the bullet on a bigger car.  But now is a really good time to buy a car.  So we really feel like we have to make a decision.  Today we test drove the lexus hybrid smaller SUV.  I love it.  I don't know if my husband feels as sure about this as I do (he can never make a decision).  But I could go back and just buy that car tomorrow.  It suits our needs completely.  Lots of space in the rear for Bailey and hopefully a stroller.  Lots of leg room in the back and front.  Drives like a dream, good gas mileage, great maintenance package, and really great pricing (right now).  And I love that it is a hybrid.  I'm going to have to crack K on his hesitancy.  

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

They Came

The follies that is.  At my stim check this morning my RE (she wanted to do the scan herself) found 10 on the left ovary which she was really excited about and said "I don't even care what is on the right.  This is great!!".  She did find 5-6 on the right ovary.  It felt good to see her get so excited.  So now I'm excited.  Now those follies have to just keep doing well and maturing.  


Sunday, November 30, 2008

Step 2

So I have no clue how to get rid of the underline.  Blogger is weird today.  Bear with me.
O.K. so I am officially a trooper when it comes to giving myself injections.  I've done two days of stims now so I've added follistim and menopur shots to my daily regimen.  My lupron dose is cut in half from what it was in the beginning and the headaches seem to have disappeared for now.  And I finished fertility sock number one.  
Looks comfy right.  Don't you wish you had one?  Socks made by hand that custom fit your own feet are awesome.  I love it.  So I started number 2.  But I've only just finished the ribbing part.  I may start working on the heel today but I'm planning on doing my Christmas cards and decorating.  So I don't think I'll have time to get to that.  But it would be awesome if I could have a pair of socks to wear at my transfer.  That is the goal.  We'll see if I can get there.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Let me explain

So the follies poster is about a comedy show at work.  'Follies' as in Ziegfeld Follies.  The poster is an advertising campaign to get people to come to the show.  I just keep focusing on the follies are coming part.  It speaks to me on another level.

Let me also explain about my awesome acupuncture appointment today.  My regular LAc, went on vacation but she has a guy (Dave) from another clinic fill in to make sure her fertility patients all got their treatments this week.   I like Dave.  I may have to visit him again later.  Anyway today I started the special blood flow treatments.  Instead of laying on my back and getting needles on my tummy, I laid on my belly and got needles on my back.  I also had some on my calves, ankles, wrists, and hands.  But the best part was the electricity.  He hooked me up to this mini-car battery looking device and sent little currents to some of the needles.  It was so cool.  To feel stimulated, yet relaxed is just fantastic. I fell asleep after awhile and was totally groggy afterward.  I can't wait until next week.  Acupuncture is my favorite thing related to IF treatments.  It is money well spent.

I was feeling pretty good today until I got an email from my nestie/TTTC friend that her IVF cycle was cancelled today due to poor response.  I'm so sad for her.  I wish there were something I could do or say.  But of course there is nothing.  This process is hard enough, but to hit snags like poor response is just awful on so many levels. Shay I'm sending you virtual hugs because that is all I can do!!    

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Do you think this a good sign or what?  This sign met me in the elevator at work today.  So I snapped a photo with my ever trusty iphone.  
I had my suppression check today and my RE did the scan herself to check out the cyst issue.  She said it looks fine, there is just some endometriosis around my left ovary that probably confused the ultrasound technician.  So if my bloodwork comes back o.k. I'll be starting follistim and menopur on Friday.  Then she is going to do my first follie check on Tuesday.    So far everything is working.  So should I believe Paul Revere or what?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

doing shots at a dinner party

Last night K and I went to a dinner party at his colleague's house.  The party had 1 pregnant lady (wife of  the colleague), 2 toddlers, and one child in addition to the 8 adults.  The meal was great.  (Yummy BBQ.  There is just something extra special about eating BBQ in Winter/Fall.  And the company was greater.  We didn't know anyone but the hosts.  But everyone was friendly and we enjoyed watching the little girls play.  They had little strollers with baby dolls and pushed them about the house.  K commented "this is where it starts huh."  At the end of the night one of the toddler girls kissed me a sweet little kiss the way only baby girls can and it just melted my heart.  Then she beckoned K to come over so she could kiss him on the cheek.  My heart was liquid after this.  It was just the sweetest thing.  I want one!  But you all already know that.
I had to steal away to give myself my lupron injection during the party.  That was interesting.  I was worried that someone would think I spending an awfully long time in the powder room.  But whatever.  People do on occasion have to spend long amounts of time in powder rooms.  I'm sure no one would guess that I was shooting up in there.  Filling my body with drugs that will help me to give a little playmate to those precious girls.  Anyway it went off without a hitch.  So I'm more prepared for repeating this on Thanksgiving which we will be spending with a different group of friends. 
On a different note, I wanted to keep a running list of all the blogs I have visitited for ICLW.    I like to start from the bottom and work my way up.  So far I have visitited #s109-91.  And already I've found some that I will go back to for sure.  I love ICLW.  

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Step 1

First Lupron shot---DONE!  I did it all by myself (Echloe pats herself on the back).  Not nearly as scary as I built it up to be. 

The day started with a trip to the RE for my pre-lupron sonogram (ie visit with the dildocam).  The office was suprisingly busy.  The couple with the toddler, the chick with the awesome maroon faux aligator heels, skinny woman who grabbed a granola bar as she came in, and short woman who kept smiling at the baby.  I was lucky to find a seat so I could work on my fertility socks and wait for my date with dildocam.  I didn't have to wait too long.  Only finished 2 rows of the socks.  
As you can see I still have a long way to go.  The goal of this project was to finish at least one sock by my embryo transfer.  I think I'll get there on time.  Anyway it is a good distraction to keep me relaxed during this whole process.

So when the sonogram tech started her prep I became a little nervous.  Did she really need to use that much lubricant?  Gross!  Of course it didn't hurt or anything.  But I can never relax with at those things.  And it was especially gross because I have been spotting due to the stupid birth control pills.  Anyway the tech found two lovely on each ovary measuring around 19mms.  So I also had to have my blood checked to make sure my E2 levels were still good.  Luckily my estrogen was fine so we can "ignore the cysts to some extent".  I'm not quite sure what that means.  Blah.  Can't everything just be o.k.?

In addition to informing me that my E2 was o.k. my nurse called me this afternoon to instruct me on how much lupron to inject and gave me some pointers.  She is a sweetie.  Anyway she went on to mention that it is crazy busy on mornings when everyone is getting scanned.  And I never would have seen the office so busy because they typically don't schedule other stuff during this time of day.  Uh huh.  So I guess I'll be seeing the same group of chicks in the waiting room next week.  Maybe next week one of us will have the nerve to smile or make contact.  Me and awesome shoe girl could totally be friends. 

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Positive Mental Attitude

I'm feeling so positive.  Really happy.  Happier than I've been in a long time.  I think it started when got my IVF calendar last week.  Looking at the calendar and talking to my nurse coordinator made me feel like this is really happening.  Like a baby is just within my reach now.  No stupid temperature charts or OPKs and wondering what is going on with my body.  It is all carefully controlled.  Just the way I like it.....did I mention that I'm a type A personality.
And I'm so excited.  Although I'm nervous as hell about giving myself the injections that will allow for all this control.  I'm supposed to go in for my PreLupron sonogram on Thursday morning and then beging lupron that night if all is well.  My dad is so cute.  He keeps asking me every time he calls if I've started the injectibles yet.  He is as nervous as I am.  My mom thinks I'm being a big baby.  She is diabetic and is no stranger to the needle.  I know it will be fine.  I just....ugh, I don't even like it when other people have to give me a shot.  O.K. enough with the pity party.  This stuff is gonna get me where I need to be so I'm just going to suck it up and shut up about it.  

We also paid for everything this week.  K and I finally decided to do a a multicycle treatment/shared risk plan.  The one we chose pays for 2 fresh and 2 frozen cycles.  Although we feel really good about our chances of getting pregnant on the first go around, we want to be prepared to keep trying if need be.  So we figured paying for it up front would make our lives easier by taking one thing off the plate.   The tricky thing was I had to fax our application for the program from work on Thursday.  I was so scared that I would drop one of the papers and expose myself.  I don't plan on sharing the fact that I'm undergoing IVF with anyone other than you guys and our families.  Even our closest friends will not know right now.  Anyway, I hate sending faxes.  I almost always accidently dial the phone number instead of the fax number.  I was really careful to dial the right number this time because the last thing I wanted was "you've reached integramed IVF program" played loudly for the entire office to hear.  After carefully sending the fax, I hovered by the machine a little bit to make sure it all went through and that I didn't leave any paperwork behind.  This would have been a lot easier if the program just accepted pdfs.   Well at least now it is all taken care of, and now we can just concentrate on the treatments.

My favorite part of the treatment is acupuncture.  I am supposed to give my acupuncturist  a copy of my calendar so that she can schedule me for extra sessions during certain points of the treatment.  She is also going to change up her treatments to suit the different stages I'll be going through.  For instance, she will do some needles on my back at a particular point.  I'm looking forward to all of  this.  I really like her and think she knows what she is doing.  And I really like her attention to detail.  Acupuncture is pricey so it is nice when you can feel so well cared for.  

Monday, November 10, 2008

From waiting to waiting

It seemed like it took for ever for me to get to start provera, then forever, for my period to start, then forever for the start of birth control pills.  Today I took the first pill after my cd 3 blood draw.  I felt liberated for about 3 minutes.  Then realized that I now get to sit around and wait to start lupron.  Not that I'm anxious to poke myself daily.  But I am anxious to get the show on the road.  Because I've had this obnoxious 2 months healing post hysteroscopy I've literally been waiting to try to conceive for 5 months.  I'm am very tired of waiting.  But I get to look forward to lupron and then look forward to stims.  Let the waiting continue.....

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Birthday photos

Bailey waiting patiently for his Birthday gifts.  Sitting nicely to boot!  What a good boy.
He devoured his special birthday ice-cream cone cookie in about 30 seconds.  This thing smelled good, like a people cookie.  Not that stale dog biscuit smell.  Anyway he loved it.  And now he has his brand new bling.  I love this little red and silver tag.  It looks small but on the back it fits our 2 cell phone numbers and our home number in addition to his name.  So it is practical and cute.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

3 words

YES WE CAN!!!  I'm so incredibly excited to have lived to see this day.  I thought I would be an old lady.  I thought the country would see a white woman President long before seeing a black man.  I didn't think the country was ready.  I'm so proud.  I'm so happy.   And I was a big Hillary supporter.  I love her and thought she had a better chance of winning than Obama.  But I couldn't be more pleased with how things have turned out.  Well, perhaps I would be more pleased if Obama has Hillary work on Health Care.  And they better put some infertility care in there too.  

This isn't a political blog.  I hate to talk politics.  But this is a very important time.  Besides the victory over the reds, not everything turned out the way I would have wanted.  We had a lot of measures and propositions here to vote on that I would have liked to see a  different outcome.  Particularly the passing the proposition 8 (against gay marriage).  I am so very sorry that the all of those couples who were married yesterday are not married today!  I asked my husband how he would feel if today we weren't married.  It would hurt like hell.  It is not fair.  It is complete discrimination.  And I don't understand how anyone should decide who someone else can marry.  No matter how you feel about homosexuality, think of how you would feel if you were in the shoes of a once happily married, loving couple.  Think about it.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Ow!! ow! ow!

I don't remember my boobs ever hurting so much.  No this isn't a sign.  I'm not having a miracle break cycle BFP (well at least I really don't think so).  But this estrace I've been taking for the past 2 months is really doing a doozy on my boobs.  It isn't that sensitive pain that you only get when your boobs are touched.  Way more intense.  I can feel pain when I lean forward.  Oy!  I'm so ready to be done with this and move on to birth control pills.  Never thought I say that.  I just keep surprising myself.  Anyway it shouldn't be too much longer.  

In other news this week I get to spoil my niece and my dog. My niece Alycia turns 11 on Wednesday.  I've given her pretty spectacular gifts in previous years.  Including tickets to high school musical the stage production last year.  
Well this year since we have to pay for IVF out of pocket we are trying to be a little more thrifty.  So her present is not as big.  But still really fun I hope.  I got her what I would have loved on my 11th birthday.  Make-up.  Nothing crazy.  She is only 11.  So I picked out these fun Lipsmakers lipglosses and cheek gel blush.  But I think I'm going to throw in a magazine subscription to Bop or Bopper or Teen Beat.  I used to love that stuff.  Hopefully she'll like it too.  

And my baby Bailey turns 2 tomorrow.  I've already purchased a new beautiful tag for him.  And  I bought him a really yummy looking cookie.  I would take a picture of it and show you but I think I'll wait until tomorrow to take some pictures of him enjoying the cookie and a picture of him with his new tag.  Is it crazy to buy gifts for your dog for his birthday?  Maybe.  But I don't care.  

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Stupid blogger

I'm not quite sure what happened to that last post.  I had all these nice things listed for all of the blogs I selected for the blog awards but it all went away.  Don't you hate when you write something brilliant and then the technology gods destroy your lovely work.  Blah.  Well here is what I remember.  Sorry this isn't as eloquent as I originally had written.  

1.  Alicia's blog is amazing.  I found it on ICLW and am so glad to have been able to follow her journey from IUI to pregnancy.  I can't wait to see what kinds of shoes you buy for baby Twinkle.
2.  Sassy is a great blogger and is so very brave.  She is also a great baker (or at least it seems so from the photos she posts).  I hope the adoption process goes smoothly and you get to make tiny cupcakes for your little one very soon.
3.  Military wife is my cycle sister.  We bonded over on the Nest/Bump TTTC page and over email.  I'm so glad that we are both getting to move forward with IVF and can go through this together.
4.  Emntom, is another Nestie friend who writes an engaging blog.  I hope this cycle does the trick.
5.  Andrea, I found your blog through other nesties and can't believe it took me so long to find it.  I got addicted with the first post.  I am the praying type and you are in my prayers.  
6.  Sweet Georgia's blog is captivating.  If you wanna laugh and cry  
7.  Stay at home wife.  I'm so happy that you've made it to your 2nd trimester.  You are going to have to change your title to "just a wicked awesome mommy" soon.  

I love all of these blogs.  And I thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and lives.  I wish I could meet all of you in real life.  

Saturday, October 25, 2008

my favorite blogs

One of my favorite nesties gave me the honor of awarding me with the I<3 href="">The worms is a sweet and supportive woman who is also a terrific blogger.  I'm hoping and praying for her that her husband completely recovers and that they will be able to start their family soon.  I love her blog too.  If you haven't checked it out yet, click on the link.  You won't be disappointed.

Of course no award comes easily.  This one comes with a meme.  I had to answer each question with a one word answer.  In the blog world these memes just keep getting recycled.  I've actually already done this one.  So sorry to my regular readers.  Just skip ahead and check out the rest of this post.

1.  Where is your cell phone?  purse
2.  Where is your significant other? game
3.  Your hair color? Brown
4.  Your mother? Loving
5.  Your father? Caring
6.  Your favorite thing?  Chocolate
7.  Your dream last night? None
8.  Your dream/goal? mommy
9.  The room you're in? office
10.  Your hobby? knitting
11.  Your fear?  Barren
12.  Where do you want to be in six years? Massachusettes
13 Where were you last night? Out
14.  What you're not? organized
15.  One of your wish list items? twins
16.  Where you grew up? Massachusetts
17.  The last thing you did? ate
18.  What are you wearing? clothes
19.  Your T.V.? HGTV
20.  Your Pet? snuggly
21.  Your computer?  MAC
22.  Your mood?  Relaxed
23.  Missing someone?  Brother
24.  Your car? audi
25.  Something you're not wearing? hat
26.  Favorite store? Banana Republic
27.  Your Summer? Travelled
28.  Love someone? special
29.  Your favorite color?  Orange
30.  When is the last time you laughed? 11
31.  When was the last time you cried?  before

The best part of this award is recognizing others blogs.  So it is my pleasure to give this award to seven bloggers of blogs that I really love.

In no particular order they are...

 1.  Alicia.  I <3>
2.  Sassy of Cupcakes and Conundrums I <3>
3.  Military wife I <3>
4.  First comes love, then comes marriage.  EMNTOM I <3>
5.  Bella and her fella.  Andrea I <3>
6.  None in the Oven.  Sweet Georgia I <3>

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Good Things

Yesterday was the start of ICLW.  And already I can say that I've found a couple of blogs that I know I'll be addicted to soon.  I visisted Hope Springs Infertile; Mommy needs therapy; stop the train, I wanna get off; In Due Time, and The Worms.  I also visited Ova-ez which is not on the ICLW blogroll but totally worth visiting.  ICLW is a good thing.

On Monday I had my saline sonogram/mock transfer.  I was nervous because the other times I've had this test it hurt like hell.  I was also really scared that my RE would find that more scar tissue or adhesions had formed.  Well when I got to my REs office the nurse took me right back and said not to worry as this test does not hurt.  I of replied that I've had 3 of these and they've all hurt.   
My RE had  a bit of trouble getting the catheter past my cervix.  This was a new to my saline sono experience so I started to prepare myself for more intense pain.  But nothing happened.  My RE was all "this looks good, and this is x mm, and that is x mm."  I was confused and tired of waiting for the burst of pain I would feel once the water go in there.  So I asked her when she was going to insert the water and to my surprise she said that she already had.  Moreover, she said that every thing is 100% healed.  Just one tiny anomaly that will not interfere with implantation.  I couldn't believe it.  I was thrilled.  I mentioned that I was surprised it didn't hurt this time.  And she said that it was because there was no more scar tissue!  So now everything is all set for IVF next month.  This is a good thing.

A funny thing happened as I left the RE office.  I finally saw someone I know in the waiting room.  Well not someone I've ever talked to.  But this person was always on the bus with me on the way to work.  So they live close to me and work at the same place as me.  A quasi acquaintance if you will (QA for short).  Well here is the thing.  You know the SNL skit "Its Pat".  Well QA is like Pat.  I just could never tell and was always curious.  Anyway QA was in the waiting room when the doctor came out and called her by her name.  QA is a woman.  I was psyched to find this out.  Now if I see her on the bus I may actually wave.  She had to have noticed me too.  Its only been like 3 years since we've been doing the same commute.    O.K. anyway, finding out the this curiosity is a good thing.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Common Thread and Communal Tables

In honor of Infertility Awareness week I finally bought my pomegranate colored thread.  Infertility's common thread.  This thread is like a secret handshake.  Something to wear to show others that you are fighting the good fight.  I've been meaning to get this for a long time but finally got around to shopping at the craft store today.  So I'll be wearing my thread with pride.  I hope no one thinks it is for Kabahlah!

As for communal tables.  I always thought this was a good idea.  For those of you who haven't experienced this, it is just sharing a table at a restaurant.  You go to a restaurant, there isn't a lot of seating, but at the one large table there is room enough for two more and the people already seated there don't mind sharing.  So everyone gets to sit and eat.  And maybe you meet some cool new people.  This is what I thought.....  
This is what happened to us the other night:  K and I go out Saturday night for a date and decide on this uber hip  tapas restaurant.  Yummy food.  Yummy drinks.  But of course the place was packed once we got our butts in gear to actually leave the house and go out.  So when the hostess asked if we'd be o.k. with sitting at the communal table we agreed.   The three women at the table seemed nice enough and were apparently on a girls night out.  I thought they'd all be bitching about their boyfriends/husbands or whatever.  Not the case.  After they got their food they started to talk.  K and I were busily looking at our menus when chick A says "It is just so hard to give up breast feeding my son because I just love the cuddling."   And chick B says, "Yeah, I'm just so sad that my baby is crawling now because he isn't interested in bonding with me anymore."  O.K.  so not the conversation I wanted to be hearing right then.  As I sat there trying to tune them out, I kept thinking about the fact that this is the conversation that  my best friends are having with each other.  They could all be out (without me the childless one) sharing and bonding over their kids.  My best friends and I have always had so much in common.  But now I just feel so left out.  We are just at very different places right now.  And I so desperately want to be able to share with them again.  

Well hopefully soon.  Soon soon soon.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A little overwhelmed

Today we had our IVF class.  I had been looking forward to this.  It meant one more step towards making our baby.  

But tonight I have this sense of exhaustion.  I haven't even done anything yet.  Haven't taken a BCP, haven't injected myself, haven't had to mix drugs and ice my butt.  But I will have to.  And soon.  It feels like K and I were walking down a road that split into two paths.  And we decided to go left and but could turn back if we want to.  We don't want to.  But we can't help but look at the other path as we walk along.

In the car tonight he asked if I really wanted to do this because it is so hard.  He didn't really realize how hard this will be on my body.  I guess all the time I've spent reading blogs I've learned about all the fatigue, bloating, possible ovarian hyper-stimulation, potential  heartache, or magnificent joy that can come of as a result as an IVF cycle, I've prepared myself.  But he hasn't had this.  He wants to protect me.  He is scared.  

So this of course makes me scared.  Makes me look at things differently.  Makes me wanna think about just giving up and maybe moving towards adoption.  However, deep down I know that that isn't what is in my heart just yet.  That I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least try this route.  

At least I've got a few weeks to just breath.  I don't have to do anything just yet. And for once I'm going to enjoy the break.  I have spent way to much time wanting to rush through breaks and start cycling again.  I'm just gonna relax these last 3 weeks.  Well, at least I'll try to just relax.  We'll see!

Friday, October 10, 2008

IF Angels

On Wednesday I got to meet up with Ariel from wishing for my miracle.  It was so nice actually meet up with an online friend.  My husband was very nervous about the meeting.  Wondering if she would turn out to be some crazy internet stalker.  But he couldn't have been more off base.  She is my IF angel.  One of the sweetest people I've ever met.

After meeting up with her I was thinking about how much this virtual world of IF support has meant to me.  It has been so helpful to me to "meet" with others who are going through or have gone through infertility struggles.  Besides bonding over the same issues, I've learned a ton.  I feel like I know the right questions to ask and I feel more prepared for my treatments because of bloggers and Nesties.  You just can't get the same kind of knowledge from the little info packet from the RE office.

I know you all know what I mean.

So thanks to Ariel.  And thanks to all of you.  

Sunday, October 5, 2008

What a weekend

So the my weekend started out with a sign.  Since Wednesday I've been doing a Novena to St Therese.  Her symbol is rose petals falling from heaven.  Well on Friday I went to get my hair cut.   My husband was supposed to pick me up but the timing didn't work out so I ended up trying to catch a bus.  I was a half a block away from the bus stop, when I say my bus fly by and was annoyed that I would have to wait.  Well when a bus finally pulled up 15 minutes later, I hopped on and decided to sit in the extra-wide seat since it was pretty empty.  I almost never choose the extra-wide because you could end up sitting knee to knee with someone and I just don't like that.  Anyway, I sat and saw right at my feet this sight.  Pink rose petals on the floor.    If that isn't a sign I don't know what is.  The rest of the weekend was great.  I went to my friend's baby shower and had a great time.  It was all of her moms friends, me, and her.  All the old biddies were hilarious talking about their hot flashes and how much they hate Sarah Palin.  We had uber girlie foods like tea sandwiches and baby cakes (actually thumbnail sized cakes).  On the way home my friend thanked me for dealing so well with all the baby talk and said that she knew that we would be doing the same thing for me soon.  I just hugged her  and whispered I hope so.  She is so great.  I mean, this event was all about her but she understood that I might be a little uncomfortable.  And I really wasn't.  No one asked when I was going to have a baby or any questions like that.  It was just a fun day and I was so happy to support my friend.  I'm so lucky to have such an understanding woman in my life.  So I've had a great weekend so far.  I hope it carries on through the week.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Private Practice

O.K. so I love the series Private Practice.  I love that the writing is smart and the acting is good.  And I like that one of the doctors is a fertility specialist.  

That being said.....I hated the season premier.  I hated the storyline about a couple who used PGD to select a genetic match for their sickly 7 year old son.  The baby is 6 months in utero and healthy.  But because the son is feared to die soon, the parents want the unborn baby delivered so they could used the cord blood to save the son.    When the main character decides that she will not deliver the baby early in order to give her a chance at life, the mother breaks her own water with a knitting needle.  

It just broke my heart.  I mean, I know it is just TV and they have to make it dramatic.  But this just hit a wrong nerve with me.  Especially in light of this retarded article.  I don't want people thinking that  reproductive technology is used for people who want "designer babies" or selfish career women who waited too long.  Or people who want to create a child just to use their cord blood.  Uh.  

Monday, September 29, 2008

Half the family knows... and What's with Cheryl

So this weekend we told my husband's mom about everything.  It felt really good to lay it out on the table.  I think that she took it well for the most part.  But I got the impression that she thought IVF was too drastic a move.  She didn't say anything though.  Just asked random questions about egg harvesting (which scares her) and how many embryos will be placed (she is also very scared of multiples).  

What I really wanted her to understand was where we are coming from, especially in our planning for the holidays.  Their family has big Christmases.  Lots of gifts, lots of decor, and lots of food.  We switch off between visiting my family and his for Christmas
 every year.  And this year it is their turn.  But if my IVF schedule gets in the way, well obviously I'm not traveling anywhere.  My husband is really upset about this but I just don't care.  There is no way I'm putting this off for one more month.   I think he will feel better about it if his family comes to term with us possibly not making it home.  

So what is with Cheryl Burke from Dancing with the stars.  I think she is looking a little heavier.  Not bad.  I think she looks great actually but not as skinny as she looked in past years (as in the photo below with Ian Ziering).
  If she has put on some weight 
and is still strutting her stuff I think it is a great thing for television.    This season she is paired up with Maurice Green who I once upon a moon had a major crush on.  I was a high school 200 meter sprinter with
 a thing for Olympic stars.  Anyway, I like this pairing but really think my overall favorite is Warren Sapp.  For a huge guy he really has twinkle toes.  I think he has the good shot of winning the mirrorball this season.  

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Baby Mama (spoiler warning)

O.K. so although many of you may have already seen this movie, I waited for it to come out on dvd.  But I figured I would place a little spoiler warning for those of you who haven't watched it yet.  If you haven't watched and still want to then I would not read below the line

Alright so I thought it was really lame. I know it is a movie, but come on.  It was completely unrealistic.  For those of us IF soldiers it is one of those slap in the face scenarios where the woman can't get pregnant and tries everything only to magically get pregnant once she thought she was having a baby via a surrogate.  What the hell.  And it really annoyed me that the surrogate did not get a beta after her transfer.  I know it would have changed the plot slightly but it would have made a lot more sense.  Then there is the case of the Tina Fey character only finding out that she has a T shaped uterus after all of her 9IUIs and IVFs fail.  WTF.  Wouldn't she have found that out before hand.  Whatever.  

The one thing I did like was the annoyance that Tina Fey felt over the surrogate company owner getting pregnant at a late age naturally.  I could actually relate to that.  

Altogether it was a relatively cute film.  I expected more from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  I just thought it would have been a lot funnier.    

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Its Official

We are moving on to IVF.  At my  RE appointment today we went over all that is to come.  In six weeks I will start birth control pills and take them for 10 days, Lupron for 10 days, Follistim  8-14 days. hCG shot, then egg retrieval 36 hours later.   O.K. if it weren't for reading all these blogs and message board posts I'm sure my jaw would have hit the floor when my RE mentioned taking the pill.  The last thing I would equate with getting pregnant is taking the pill.  I'll forever more look at it as a waste of countless dollars to prevent me (hahahahaha) from getting pregnant.  I could have taken that money, saved it up, invested it, and been able to pay for IVF.  Hindsight makes us wise!!

When she showed me the pictures of the blastocysts I started to get dreamy.  I could just imagine my little blastocysts developing in the petri plate.  All sweet and multi-cellular.  It is kind of fitting with me being a biologist that my own baby will be conceived in a lab, incubated, cultured.  It is what I do every day.  So I find it kind of cool.  And my doctor didn't mind me asking her all sorts of dorky embryology questions.  

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this.  I mean, I thought I would dread it.  Like it was the last hope or something.  But I really feel like this is going to work for us.  And I can't wait to get started.  

It also gives me approximately 6 weeks to get my butt in gear and lose some weight.  So in addition to the belly dancing, fertility yoga, and jogging with my #1kiddo Bailey (my dog), I will be actively dieting.  Nothing severe.  Just trying to go down 10lbs.  We'll see what happens.  But it will give me something else to focus on while I wait wait wait until I get to start the birth control pill.

Monday, September 22, 2008

This will be a good week

My husband keeps trying to tell me that a positive mental attitude leads to positive outcomes.  So I'm going to try it by making a list of everything that will make me happy this week.
1.  ICLW, for those of you wonder about the cute little puppy icon but have been too lazy to click on it, it is for International Comment Leaving Week.  This week have to comment on 5 new blogs and return one comment.  A total of 6 blogs a day.  The best part of ICLW is that I get to read all these new blogs that I probably wouldn't have come across otherwise.  There is some good stuff out there.  And as more and more of the writers of my favorite blogs get pregnant (I get a ton of inspiration from those blogs so I'll keep reading them of course) I have to add new ones to my blog roll of people still trying like me so that I can have stuff to read that I can relate to.  And ICLW is the perfect vehicle for this.  So if you haven't done so, click on the puppy icon and find out what it is all about.

2.  I have always looked forward to the new fall season of tv shows.  I always get a thrill out of seeing cliffhangers get resolved and checking out the new programs to see if I like them.  This fall I'm really looking forward to Grey's Anatomy.  It has really wonderful writing and I love where the story line is going.  But I'm also really into Dancing with the Stars which is just a cheesy reality show.  That isn't all.  I love How I met your Mother, Private Practice, Brothers and Sisters and Desperate Housewives.   Thank goodness we have a DVR.    

3.  We have a new guy at work.  This is good because a new person always changes the social dynamics of the lab.  We were in this stagnant situation of a bunch of 20 something grad students who were really loud and obnoxious all day long.  There were only 3 of us more mature quite types.  This guy is a little older and has kids.  So I'm going with the assumption that he'll be in the quiet group.  Already I've noticed that the volume has gone done a ton.  Lets hope it stays like this.

4.  I'm signing up for belly dancing.  There is this new studio in my neighborhood and it looks like fun.  And I could use some activity around my middle.  Stress eating all summer is not good for the waistline.   

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Save the drama

Why oh why do things have to be so difficult.  My brother in law (BIL) and sister in law (his wife) are expecting their first baby.  And of course this is a wonderful event for the family.  But it just happened that they announced their pregnancy a few days after I found out that I would need a 3rd myomectomy to remove uterine fibroids.  I was very emotional and very jealous.  But I was happy for them too.  But the hurt I was feeling for myself took over everything.  But I made myself send them a congratulatory card and a few baby gifts.  And it took a lot of me to do it.  A lot.  I think only those of you who have experienced these types of feelings can understand.

Lets go back in time a bit-  BIL has always had it in for me.  Didn't congratulate me for getting my PhD.  Didn't want me to be in the family only wedding photos even though I had already been a member of their family for 3 years at the time (My husband and his grandma made me stand in the photos anyway).  I have many more examples of this behavior.  The other thing is he is very self-centered.  If he has done well at something we all better bow down to his majesty.  He sent us out a Christmas List every year even though he is an adult, and called to ask my husband if something was wrong because he hadn't recieved his annual birthday gift on time (it was in themail).  Good grief.

Fast forward to now-  So I didn't shower him and his wife with praise for managing to get pregnant on the first try.  So I haven't actually talked to them about it.  But I did send something.  Well I had the afore mentioned surgery two weeks ago, still managed to send him out a thoughtful birthday gift (on-time), and I have heard nothing from him or his wife.  I don't expect them to call me.  At this point they may even be trying to shield me in some way and that is why they haven't called to see what is going on with me.  Haven't sent an email.  A text.  Anything would be acceptable by me.  But nothing.  Perhaps I deserve this.  But I really thought by sending the card and gift it would have been enough for them to know I care.  

Fast forward to last years surgery-  When thinking about it I really don't remember them calling or anything after that surgery either.  So maybe it isn't that they are mad at me now.  Maybe they just don't really care one way or the other.

Back to now- I really don't know what is going to happen to this family.  I do not want to be the one responsible for all the drama.  But I don't really know how to fix this.  I don't know if I can.  Believe me when I say talking to them about this will not do a thing.  The only thing that could possibly work is me calling them and asking detailed questions about their pregnancy and sending lavish gifts and cash.  But that only helps one side.  I don't think that they will ever really treat me with kindness, ever.  
My mother in law is coming next weekend to "show her support" of my IF and surgery and all that.  I wonder if it would do any good to explain any of this to her.  What do you think?  Will this just make things worse.  My poor husband is stuck in the middle.  

Monday, September 15, 2008

More To Think About

O.K. so it is as my husband described it.  My RE said that there is stage 3 endometriosis mostly behind my uterus and tubes, and she couldn't really clean that up.  She did remove a ton of scar tissue that she found on my uterus and around that area.  And my tubes are open and functional.  However,........ the endo tissue is restricting movement of the fimbriae of my tubes and that could prevent them from catching a newly released egg.  So IVF is our best option.  IVF! I'm ready for this.  My husband is ready for this.  We are ready to shell out thousands of dollars that we have been saving away and we are ready for the drugs, and multiple doctor visits.  Our parents our supporting this new turn.  But there is one thing that I'm afraid of.  One thing thing that is holding me back.  

What happens to any extra embryos that aren't inserted?  There is no way that I would kill them.  But could we keep them on ice forever?  Now I know at this point this is just speculation because I haven't even started the process yet and may not even get any fertilized embryos.  My husband thinks I've stepped into crazy Catholisism here.  We are both Catholic and go to church semi-regularly.  And I don't follow all of the church's beliefs.  But I do believe that life begins at conception.  Even if it does happen in a petri dish.  And any little embryos that are created in that dish would be our children.  So I would not allow them to be destroyed.  We talked about saving them for later on for future children.  But I've read about some women having upwards of 9 frozen embryos.  To reiterate, I know that it is silly to think of this stuff now.  That I may not even end up with a lot of embryos, or I might use them up just to get pregnant with one healthy child.  Who knows.  We are still only just starting to talk about this stuff.  

I go in this afternoon to have the balloon removed from my uterus.  Hopefully things are healing o.k. in there.  I started acupuncture again just as an extra help.  I really couldn't deal with any more scar tissue problems.  And I have an eight week protocol of estradiol/prometrium, estradiol/prometrium.  And a saline sonogram to check the lining of the uterus and to break up any new adhesions that may form.  After that we will resume treatments.  So it is back to waiting around.  But at least we can take the time to really think things through. 

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Still Sore

I feel much better today.  I actually motivated to shower and get changed, and I had a small breakfast too.  Now I'm eating a little of my favorite ice cream Phish Phood by Ben and Jerry.  So yummy.  My throat is still raw from the tubes they used during the surgery.   So the ice cream helps.  I'm also enjoying all the rest.  I nap when I want and have basically just been laying around.  I think that by tomorrow I'll be fine.  After my doctors appointment I'm going to take my mom shopping.  I figure if I actually give myself a task I'll be more liable to do it.  I really don't want to spend another full day in bed.    But of course I'll still rest.  The last thing I want to do is cause more scar tissue to form.  

Having mom here is a joy.  She is taking really good care of me and has cleaned our house from top to bottom.  It is great to have her deliciously cooked meals.  And just nice to visit with her since she lives so far away.  It is nice to be mothered like this.  I wonder if this is what it will be like when she comes to stay with us after we have a baby?  

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Post Op

  I'm alive.  Yay.  I am such a baby, I really felt like yesterday could have been my last day even thought the chances of something going wrong were really low.  But my mind was all over the place.  What if there is an earthquake and the doctor pierces a vital organ by accident?  What if I get MRSA or some other antibiotic resistant bacterial infection from being in a hospital?  But so far so good.  My RE just called me to tell me that she is calling in an antibiotic prescription as well as one for estrogen to help me to heal faster.  
So the good news is that she was able to clean out all of the scar tissue from the uterus that was probably caused by my last hysteroscopy.  Apparently after fibroid removal the uterus collapsed and then as it grew back to its normal shape the scarring occurred.  Well now it is all removed and the uterus is clean.  Also my tubes are open.  
The bad news is that she found endometriosis on the outside of the uterus and around the fallopian tubes.  This could mean my best bet at conception is IVF.  I'm o.k. with that though.  It is more expensive but I don't really care about the money now.  I'm just ready to start a family.
So whatever.  As long as my uterus can grow a baby to term, I'm happy.  And now it can, so I'm happy.  
To prevent my uterus from collapsing again I have a balloon in there that will be removed next week.  And I will have my bandages removed then as well.  

So now I'm just relaxing in bed with my laptop and watching The View.  My mom is busy cleaning and making homemade chicken soup for me.  So this isn't so bad.  

Thanks to everyone that wished me well.  I really think it helped.  

Sunday, September 7, 2008

TAG (A little late)

I just realized that I was tagged on August 16th by Christine.   Whoops.  

The Rules:
1.  Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3.  Write 6 random things about yourself
4.  Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5.  Let each peron you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6.  Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Six Random things about me
1.  I'm a geek.  Really and truly.  For instance, yesterday when I was that my strawberries were covered in fungus I said to the fungus "Mucor, you suck for eating my strawberries."  I called a fungus by its scientific name.  I spoke to the fungus.  Geek!

2.  I was in a sorority and I loved it.  And no it was not a geek sorority.  We were the party girls.  

3.  I have a crush on John Mayer.  And I was glad that he dumped Jennifer Aniston.

4.  I've been watching The Young and The Restless since I was about 5 years old.  Still loving it.

5.  I used to be addicted to Peppermint Altoids.  And I would crunch 5 or 6 at a time in my mouth and could finish a pack in 5 minutes.  It was gross.   I had to quit and now I never eat even one because I know I'll fall back into the same habit.

6.  If I thought for a minute that it would be successful I would leave my career behind and open up a high end dog/cat good store.  I spend a lot of money in those stores in Bailey and love looking at all of the cute collars and fancy treats and crap.  I'm a sucker for that stuff.

Tag, you're it!
1. Sassy
3. Pmarie ('cause you really need to update your blog girl)
5. JenM

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pre-Op appointment

O.K. isn't this hat and bootie super cute?  Yes I need to make the 2nd bootie.  I just finished the 1st one  and am so in love that I had to take a photo and share it.   I am trying to motivate to do the second one now before going to bed.    Anyway these are for my friend Erin who is having a baby girl next month.  Her shower is on the 4th and I wanted to make a few pairs of booties for her.  Anyone who knits knows that they are pretty easy to make, but look so sweet on little baby feet.  I hope that she likes them.  

O.K. so my pre-op appointment went well.  They just took my blood pressure, weighed me, and then my RE listened to my heart and lungs.  We went over the surgery plan and how I'm not supposed to eat or drink anything after midnight, etc.  And she wrote me a prescription for vicodin and one for a cervix softener.  She asked me if I had taken this cervix medicine for any other procedure and was surprised that I hadn't as it is supposed to really help.  I was thinking that would have been a great idea for them to give me this medicine before the painful HSG and sonohysterograms.  But of course I only get it for the procedure that I'll be knocked out for.  Go Figure.  Anyway, I'm all set I guess.  Just have to pick up my meds and show up on time Tuesday morning.  I just want it over with already.  I'm so ready to start cycling again.  I wanna knit stuff for my own baby too.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

It was beautiful

I'm back from vacation and survived the first day back at work.  It was so relieving because I 'fessed up to my 2 closest work friends that I'm having the surgery next week.  I figured that someone besides my boss should know.  And it was so nice to share this with other people.  I'm so glad that I did too.  Friend 1 hugged me and got really sad for me and gave me her support, then Friend 2 told me that she has 'problems with her pipes' too and said that no one really talks about it but then when someone does you find out that everyone else has issues too.  So they both made me feel better.  

K (aka my husband) and I decided that a return trip to Australia is a must.  The country is just too big to see everything in just 2 weeks.   Needless to say we loved it.  It was quite the adventure.   But also very relaxing. We saw so many cool things.... the great barrier reef, the sydney skyline, an opera at the famed sydney opera house. 
 And we met a bunch of cool people.  One man in particular had a positive impact on us.  We met him on our tour to Port Douglas and a really cool nature preserve (where you can hold Koala Bears...and I did of course).  Gary was about 50 years old with downs syndrome, traveling on his own, totally with it and making friends.  And he was sooooo happy.  He told us all about his home in Tasmania, how much he loved his job and friends, and how he won a gold medal in the special olympics for softball.  His company really made the lunch we shared with him a lot of fun.  Before the trip I'd been really unhappy.  Sulking around with all my issues.  So it did my heart good to be around Gary.  Even if just for a little while.  K felt the same way.

So all that happy feeling and plain old relaxing really did the trick for me.  I feel really positive about next weeks procedure.  And my mom is coming to stay with us for 2 weeks since I'll need a little help and I'm so excited to have her around.   And the sweetest thing..... K's mom really wanted to come and support me too and decided to come at the end of September so that we don't have too much company all at once.  I'm just so touched that she would fly out here to help out (even though hopefully I'll be totally fine by the time she gets here).  

Friday, August 15, 2008

Sydney Bound

My husband and I are headed to Australia tonight for vacation.  I am so excited.  We've never been there and we really need a vacation.  I'm not sure that I'll update while away or not, but we will have a laptop with us so chances are that I'll fit in at least one post.  


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Good News

My RE called Friday and told me that after reviewing my MRI films with all  the doctors in the practice, it appears that I do not have a large fibroid protruding into my uterine cavity.  So I do not need the myomectomy.  My tubes do look weird, but my HSG showed that they were clear.  So we will keep the surgery date and do a laparascopy to check on my tubes, and to remove any scar tissue or whatever it is that is left over in my uterus.  We could tell from my sonohysterogram that there was something there.  And my RE mentioned that it is either scar tissue or degenerated fibroid.  So that has to come out.  And I do have a fibroid in the uterine wall.  But as long as it isn't distorting the shape of my uterus then it doesn't have to be removed. I feel so lucky.  I don't have the big incision or the 6 weeks recovery time.  A woman on the nest said that after her myomectomy she wasn't allowed to try to conceive for 5 months.  Aack.  I also learned that it is only a month less wait to try after a lap.  So I'm relieved.

There is still a chance that if my RE finds something weird during the lap that she will go ahead and do the big incision while I'm there and anesthetized.  And she will do whatever she has to, to make my uterus ready for a baby.  And I'm cool with that.  But hopefully it is just the lap and my tubes are free and clear.  

The other good news is that my husband's Sperm analysis came back normal.  So that means back when he had the poor sperm quality last June (the reason they cancelled out IUI) really was due to a bad fever he had, and there is no sperm issue for us.  

So I'm a very happy girl today.   

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Pulling Down the Moon

This morning I returned to yoga.  Thanks to Alpaca I ordered this fertility yoga DVD from Pulling Down the Moon.  It was a great way to start the day and I plan to continue practicing at least 3 days a week. 

 I used to go to yoga classes all of time but quit because I didn't like the class or the instructor of the last place and haven't gotten around to finding a new one even though there are yoga studios all over the place.  I really like classes with an emphasis on breathing and ones that flow.  And I really can't stand holding poses for very long.  Anyway, if you are like me in your yoga desires than you might like this DVD.  I especially appreciated that the instructors in the video were former IF patients.  They seemed to know what to say.  I'll probably look for a local fertility yoga class eventually.  Maybe after the surgery.  In the meantime I'm happy I have this DVD.

Monday, August 4, 2008

My new love

I waited 3 hours....yes 3 hours at the Apple store to get a new iPhone 3G.  And it was well worth the wait.  Admittedly, it was pretty stupid to wait in line.  I probably could have gone back the next morning.  But I hate to wake up early on weekends.  And people were saying that they had waited since 6:30 am.  Crazy.  I only waited from 10 am.  And there was this great girl in line with me who let me leave for 1/2 hour to get coffee and magazines, and I did the same for her.  So it wasn't all standing around being bored.  But to reiterate, it was so worth it.  I've been playing with it non-stop since Saturday.  Even last night as we were driving to meet friends for dinner I was playing around with the GPS program.  It is so cool.  I'll never be lost again.  When I think of all the times I was stuck looking at some stupid fold-out map trying to find my way around an unfamiliar neighborhood.  No more.  Now my iPhone can figure out where I am and show me where to go.  I'm in love.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

That was awkward

So I'm walking Bailey around the block when I run into Val from work holding hands with a girl!! She said hi to me and I said hi back but then Bailey starts acting up and I excuse myself to continue the walk without having introduced myself to her girlfriend.   After walking a couple of yards I realized that i must have looked a little shocked and hope it didn't come across as rude or phobic or anything because I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable.  Val isn't out.  And I totally don't care anything about her sexual preference.  I have lots of gay friends.  Anyhow, it isn't like I'm going to go up to her at work tomorrow and mention it. But maybe I should say somethingto her about running off like "sorry I had to rush off dog gets impatient until he has had his walk" or something to that affect.   I dunno.   

 Isn't he the cutest dog?  He is my little baby and the world's best snuggler.  I love him to pieces.

Monday, July 28, 2008


Pmarie has tagged me.  And I have to answer each of these questions with one word, and tag 4 others.

1.  Where is your cell phone? Purse (should go charge it)
2.  Your significant other? Snugglebear
3.  Your hair? Short
4.  Your mother? Caretaker
5.  Your father? Tender
6.  Your favorite thing? Puppy
7.  Your dream last night? Beautiful
8.  Your favorite drink? Wine
9.  Your dream/goal? Motherhood
10. The room you're in? Office
11.  Your hobby? Knitting
12.  Your fear? Death
13.  Where do you want to be in 6 years? Tenured
14.  What you're not? Happy
15.  Muffins?  Blueberry
16.  One of your wish list items? House
17.  Where you grew up? Massachusetts
18.  The last thing you did? Typed
19. What are you wearing? Pajamas
20.  Favorite Gadget? Ipod
21.  Your pet? Bailey
22.  Your computer? MAC
23. Your mood? Random
24.  Missing someone? Brother
25.  Your car? A4
26. Something you are not wearing? bra
27.  Favorite Store?  Papersource
28.  Like someone? Erin
29.  Your favorite color? Orange
30.  When is the last time you laughed?  Tonight
31.  Last time you cried? Yesterday


So today on Good Morning America, there was a clip about breast-feeding someone else's baby.  In the clip a woman tried to calm down her best friend's 3 month old baby for a long while and realized that he really just wanted to nurse.  So she nursed him and he was better.  Her friend doesn't have any problem with it.  She knows her friend well (that she doesn't have any disease or drug problems) and wants her baby to have breast milk.  So she is fine with it happening from time to time when she isn't available to nurse him herself.

Apparently, 46% of Americans label breast feeding someone else's baby as Disgusting or Weird.  Obviously I haven't experienced breast feeding personally.  But at this point I do see it as just feeding a baby.  I don't understand how that could be gross.  Woman have done this for years.  That is what wet-nurses were for.    Isn't it better for a baby to be nursed by another woman than to be hungry and upset (if they don't take bottles).  Perhaps I'll change my mind on this when I have my own baby.  But I do think that I wouldn't mind my sister or very-close friend stepping in for me if I were not available.  What do you think?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

International Comment Leaving Week

Tonight it is almost the end of ICLW, and I've had a lot of fun.  I love that it has introduced me to so may wonderful blogs.  Some I loved reading so much that I'll be including them in my favorite blog list.  

One of the best things that I got out of participating in ICLW was seeing what a great community of mothers and mothers to be are out their.  I never knew that there could be so much kindness and support in strangers.  
I only wish that I could have achieved Iron Commentor status.  But alas, 129 blogs is a lot to read. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

More Confusion

So today was my post MRI plan of action appointment.  But right now I have no plan of action.  Of course the MRI place didn't send the films over to my RE.   All she had was a written report describing the uterus as healthy and without fibroids.  That was good news to me.  But then it went on the say that my fallopians tubes were swollen and distorted (hydrosalpinx), and in that in that case she would need to tie the off (sterilization) and then IVF would be next.  What???  So my RE thinks the report is wrong and rightly wants to see the films.  She will go to the MRI place and look them over with the radiologist.  Then will call me later this week with the real results.  Since my HSG showed that my tubes were normal, and her recent ultrasounds showed that there is definitely something in my uterus she thinks that the report is off base.  So I guess I have to wait until Friday.  

But here are the possible outcomes
1.  They reviewed the wrong films
2.  I still have a fibroid
3.  I have scar tissue from my past surgeries
4.  I have hydrosalpinx
5.  I have some other abdominal abnomily

Monday, July 21, 2008

Jon and Kate plus 8, cable tv, and I miss my tivo

So the husband and I decided to finally join the masses and get cable.  I hate comcast which is our local cable company.  But we couldn't get satellite (because my husband thinks they are unsightly)  and we couldn't get ATT digital TV because they don't serve our area as yet. So we tried to get the triple package deal where you get phone, internet and HD cable with DVR and all for $99 a month.  We figured we would save some money because our phone bill was ridiculously high even though we pretty much just use our cell phones, and because TIVO (which I love and highly recommend) was more expensive than what the calculated DVR price would be.  

Well there are some great things about cable.  And 1st is HGTV.  I love it.  I feel like it is tv where I really learn something.  I'm a big copy cat and snag lots of design ideas.  And I'm already addicted to Design Star and have been catching up on all the episodes via the ON DEMAND feature.  The second great thing is Jon and Kate plus 8.  I also stumbled onto this show via ON DEMAND.  It is a documentary style reality show about an IF couple who went on to have two sets of multiples.  In one way it is like watching a train wreck.  In another way it is incredibly sweet.  The kids are all adorable.  And although the mom and dad bicker a little you can tell how much they love each other and that it is very very stressful dealing with that many children.  The sextuplets are only 3 or 4.  Even 1 child that age can be a handful.  I really respect them for dealing with this so gracefully, airing their laundry for the public, and for being so honest about their journey.  On one episode Kate described how she came to become pregnant (through clomid no less), and how they were firm on not reducing any of the babies.  I think the real reason I love this show is because it shows a great success story from IF.  I don't personally know anyone who has had success after IF.  Yes I know people from message boards and blogs but I can't count that.  And obviously I don't know Jon and Kate, but getting to see them on TV makes it more real to me for some reason.

O.K. so back to cable.  When the tech came to our house she explained that the router would not be wireless like our current DSL router, but that we could go to Best Buy and pick one up.  I got annoyed and said I would prefer to just keep my current router and DSL because I had assumed (it being 2008 and all) that the router would be wireless.  Well wouldn't you know it, they took away my triple deal and the cost for cable and phone shot up.  So I dumped the phone service and just went with cable.  I thought this would satisfy me enough even without the cheap price.  And it is o.k.  But not great.  My 1st complaint is the DVR.  I should have known.  I've been spoiled by TIVO.  The DVR just doesn't work as elegantly.  It is like going from using a viking range to downgrading to a Hotpoint electric stove.  The thing that really tipped the scales I'll call THE INCIDENT.  Now I love TV.  And I love recording shows and watching them at my leisure.  I daily record the young and the restless and a bunch of other programs.  Recently I started watching friends reruns because I wanted to view the episodes where Monica and Chandler learn they are infertile.  I got to see all of the episodes leading  up to the one with the fertility clinic, and when I went to MY RECORDINGS, there was nothing saved.  No Friends, no Y and R, nothing.  I was pissed.  And I could tell by the guide that I missed the one episode that I'd been waiting for.   When I called cable to find out what went wrong they told me to unplug the unit, wait 30 seconds and then plug it back in.  WHAT!  This process worked but come-on.  I can't have a DVR that decides it just doesn't want to work sometimes.  If that had happened during LOSTs season I would have cancelled cable right there and then.  
In my 4 years of TIVO service that has never ever happened.  I miss my TIVO.  I miss the bloop bloop bloop sound of when you press the keys on the remote.  I miss the reliability.

But I do love Jon and Kate plus 8 and my husband loves having ESPN.  So we will stick with cable for a little while.  But I've got TIVO safely packed away in the attic, and he may be coming back soon.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Techno Coffin

This morning I had the weirdest experience.  For those of you who haven't had one, an MRI is a really creepy thing.  I'm not claustrophobic.  But once I saw how small the circumference of the machine that they were about to slide me into I had a mini-freak out.  The techs covered my eyes with a washcloth and that helped.  I knew that if I didn't have something covering my eyes I would have looked at the space and then I would have really freaked out.  You lay down and roll into the MRI machine slowly.  Kind of what I imagine feeding a body into a crematorium is like.  I know morbid!!  But this is how I felt.  So anyway, the roof of the machine was about 3 inches away from my face.  And my elbows touched the sides.  And there is all this weird banging and whirring whenever they take an image.  So they outfit you with earplugs and those industrial giant ear phones to protect you from all the noise.  It is super loud and sounds akin to techno beats.   
The other thing is that you can't move.  Well you aren't allowed to move.  So you have to be in the same position for the entire time.  Not fun.  Some of the images only took 40 seconds.  Some took 4 minutes.  After about 1/2 hour they took me out of the machine and let just move my arms a bit, then the fun increased when they injected me with contrast.  I was ever the IF patient when I asked the lady how they were going to insert the contrast without moving my pelvis.  I figured I'd need a catheter inserted into the nether regions.  Well oddly enough they just needed my arm.  I still don't understand who they inject contrast into your bloodstream to get an image of your uterus 2 minutes later.  Hopefully it did the trick.  The whole process was 40 minutes of strange.

Believe it or not I would much rather have an invasive ultrasound, even the kind where you have to have a full bladder over MRI.  It was just too freaky.  And now I have a crick in my neck from being so rigid.  

Well now I just need to do a follow up with my RE to see what she thinks of the images and how to proceed.