I'm still pregnant. But things are not looking good. My betas have been rising steadily but not doubling. My RE told me that what will certainly happen is the baby will keep growing as long as I stay on my progesterone and estrogen. But it will never get past 7 or 8 weeks. And by continuing to take the meds I'm prolonging the inevitable. She has no idea why this happened as she fully expected me to have a healthy pregnancy by this point. And at the moment doesn't know what direction to go in next.

My heart is broken. My husbands heart is broken.

How did we get here?

I don't think I'm going to write here anymore. I'm just so sick of writing all about my stupid crappy journey. So I'm on a break. Not sure for how long.

Beta is in.....

And I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!

Level was 66.5. Need to go in again Tuesday for a 2nd beta.

I did cheat though and took a test yesterday morning

after feeling lots of cramps on Friday. So I suspected as much. But I was still nervous. And I'm still nervous. I suppose that will happen until I have a live baby kicking and screaming in my arms.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

October is pregnancy loss awareness month. And October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. On this day, everyone who has lost a baby or knows someone who has lost a baby is invited to light a candle in remembrance at 7pm local time. Please consider doing this and encouraging others to participate as well. There are local candlelit walks around the country. Check out this link for more information.

Here they are

I feel true hope this time!! Like, the kind of hope I felt while I was still pregnant. These embies look so much better to me than Nugget. The cells are more uniform. And if you look closely you can see that the one on top is busting out of the shell. So I really feel like we have a fighting chance this time around. I sang along to this on the drive home.

The acupuncturist I had today was wonderful. She has undergone IVF and FETs and pregnancy loss. But she was very encouraging. And really helpful. She checked on the timing of the doctors for me so I could pace my water intake. It worked great. For the first time I wasn't "exploding" during the pre-acupuncture treatment. And I didn't have to pee during the transfer either. I'm sad that this was the first time I've had her for treatment. If this FET works, I'll ask for her when I go in for pregnancy treatments.

There was another couple there today having a FET. My mind went to the poor couple in Ohio that had the embryo mix-up. But then I realized how those things are very rare occurrences and my clinic is super careful. They checked my id and the labels on the embies like 8 times. And I only had 2 embies whereas the other couple (who have suffered several losses sadly) were transferring 4.

I really hope that they have success too.

Well. I think I'm going to catch up the young and the restless and then take a nap. Happy Friday!!

Lil' old lady pill box

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I just needed a break from thinking about TTC again and just wanted to reflect to myself about the loss of our baby. It was really good for me. I survived. I did not transform into a ball of tears as I imagined. I lit a candle and remembered how it felt to be pregnant with her and how it felt to hold her and look at her pretty face. I imagined what she would look like if she had been born. And I felt a sense of peace. I was dreading the due date for so long, it is like a weight of was lifted off my shoulders once the day passed. Now if only I could get babycenter to stop sending me emails saying how my 2 week old is doing. : (

Thank you to everyone who reached out and sent me cards, emails, comments, or thoughts. I appreciated it so much and so did K. He was so touched that so many people were thinking about us and Lydia on her EDD. I think he is finally getting why I love this community so much.

Well now I feel ready for this new cycle. And I just bought myself a little old lady pill box to help organize all the pills I have to take for FET #2. It is so crazy all the stuff I have to take. Yes it is way easier than a fresh cycle, but still so many meds. Because I have to take multiples of some pills per day, sometimes I forget if I actually took the dose. I have a ton of things on my mind with work and have trouble sometimes keeping it all straight. So this organizer will help a ton. And it is cool because you can detach the day you are on and pop in your purse. Do you think green and purple plastic pill organizer works with Coach?

I get to start the oh so fun Progesterone in Oil on Sunday to simulate ovulation. And then the transfer is on Friday. I have all the meds. My lining looks great. Oh and we are transferring 2 embies this time. So I feel pretty good. I just need to make the acupuncture appointment and I'll be all set.

EDD

Tonight K and I will light a candle to remember our baby girl Lydia who we only briefly met. Our perfect little beauty stolen from us in April when she should have been born sometime this week. Our EDD was September 3rd. As soon as we learned that date it was burned in my brain. I couldn't wait for the day to meet her. I never would have guessed that the day we met would be so bitter. So cruel.

I wish we could have met today instead.

______________________________________

One thing that I've learned from all of this is that I'm not the only one. There are way too many mothers that have lost their precious babies too soon. And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For that reason I'm going to do whatever I can to promote pregnancy loss awareness and try to raise funds in Lydia's name for research to prevent the type of loss that took her from us. I'm researching different organizations that I might want to use for this. Right now I'm thinking March of Dimes but I'll keep you guys posted on what we decide. But doing something like this makes me feel like I'm doing something for Lydia. And that makes me smile.

: (

So my beta was negative. I didn't even ask if there was a number. The call hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't really feel pregnant. But I just didn't really expect to here it was negative either.

Well after having a good cry, lots of hugs from K, and lots of kisses from Bailey I took a deep breath and thought of some good things.

1. Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. 6 years of marriage to one of the greatest human beings ever created. We will celebrate with a nice dinner out.

2. Since I'm not pregnant I can have champagne to celebrate our anniversary.

3. Since I'm not pregnant I can have sex to celebrate our anniversary.

4. We have 6 more frosties and I can just roll into another cycle.

5. I don't have to shoot myself in the ass tonight and for another couple of weeks!

At my WTF appointment next week I'm going to ask about transferring 2 next time. I never felt totally comfortable with just one and now that this cycle didn't work I feel more strongly that we should try to increase our chances.