Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Friends and knitting

So every Wednesday at work we have tea time.  Each lab takes turns bringing pastries, coffee, or tea and everyone socializes.  Since I returned to work I've avoided tea time.  The thought of being in a room full of people that could potentially ask me about what happened scared the hell out of me.  So I found excuses to avoid going.  
The thing is,..... tea time used to be my thing.   I loved socializing and gossiping with everyone.  I volunteered to buy the goodies for our lab and looked forward to "hosting".  I hate that even that has been taken from me.

Yesterday morning I did my best to make myself invisible but my boss found me anyway.  He asked if I was going to make the tea and I protested for about a minute until I realized that I must have sounded pretty lame.  So I made the tea and commandeered some of my buddies to go with me and surround me for support.  It was fine.  We chatted.  We joked.  We ate yummy scones.  And my knitting friend Else approached me and asked how I've been since she hadn't seen me around (she had been gone for a while when I just started showing, and came back during my leave so she didn't even know I had been pregnant).  I sort of just said fine and changed the subject to how she has been, etc.  So I survived unscathed.

Later on I ran into Else in the ladies room.  She asked me again where I had been since she hadn't seen me around so I told her that I had been pregnant and that I had lost the baby.  And for the first time, I didn't falter when explaining what happened to Lydia.  I was so proud of myself.  But looking into Else's eyes,  I could see that she was heartbroken.  She had tears in her eyes when she asked if it was something that could happen again.  So I explained to her about the cerclage, P17, and bedrest option and even managed to sound a little hopeful.  She just looked so sad.  I apologized for ruining her day.  And she said not to think that I had and that she is just amazed that any babies ever make it.    We hugged briefly and she when she left she thanked me for sharing with her.  I thanked her for understanding.

I don't know.  From her words I just got the feeling that she really knew what I was talking about.  Like she may have had a similar experience.  She is in her late fifties, a frickin awesome speed knitter, and she and her husband have no children.  And I've heard her make comments during the knitting group like "nope, no kids for me" while quickly shaking her head.  I always just shrugged it off.  Now I wonder.  Her response to my story really touched me.  She is the only person besides you guys who has wondered about next time around.  No platitudes.  No one-upping my loss with some other more horrid loss.  And no just assuming that things would be fine once we tried again.  So many people have said "you guys are so young", "at least you know you can get pregnant" and 
crap like that not knowing my history.  She didn't do this.  Why??  Well I guess it doesn't matter.  I'm just glad that I've told yet another person and survived.   And I'm glad that I was able to go to tea time and have fun.  So all the anxiety isn't worth it.  
I can do this!!  

And I can knit.  I started this project as a way to relax and bide my time.  I always loved knitting but I have found it to be extremely soothing to my psyche even more so lately.  This scarf is going to be a birthday present for my best friend who is coming to visit from NYC at the end of the month.  I hope she likes it.   The pictures don't really do it justice.  I made this same alpaca scarf for myself (in forest green) and wear it all winter long.  I love it, and it thought that if I knit it in black then my bff would love it too.  The scarf has a fancy ruffled edge (which you can sort of see in the first image) and a cool herringbone stitch (you can sort of see this in the second image).  
Because it is a skinny scarf, you can use one skein of yarn.  And it calls for largish needles so it knits up quick.  


janessa said...

this post makes my heart warm and my eyes weapy. Good for you, my friend. I'm proud of you.

and why is it that we haven't knit together yet?

B MoM said...

Do you think you'll ever have the courage to inquire further with Elsie about her background?

Anonymous said...

You are really quite a person - thank you for sharing yourself like this.

The scarf looks great!

Stephanie said...

What an amazing feat for you. I wonder if you and Else will ever have a chance to talk more about it, if she would ever share her experiences with you. I'm so glad you had someone to talk to who did just what you needed, listened and understood.

and an ALPACA scarf!!! I love it! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you, not running from Else but being strong and sharing your story. You are so brave! You are reclaiming tea time - and part of your social life you enjoy so much.

I love the scarf! I never wore scarves 'til my DH and I visited Europe one spring. Now I'm addicted! We don't get to wear them very long in Texas but I stretch it out as long as I can! :)

Clio said...

this is lovely, that you were able to find this connection with a friend when you least expected. And you may be right, maybe she experienced something very close to this, if not the same. So many couples are childfree not by choice, but also choose not to share their story.
Anyway, just to find that quiet understanding... wow.
btw, the scarf looks great. ;)

Andie said...

Good for you! You did great :)

So lovely that you made a connection with someone you already knew. There are so many couples like that.

Your knitting is lovely. I wish I could do that.

cheryllookingforward said...

I avoid group functions in my office for the same reason - they all knwo what happened, but I'm still afraid someone will bring it up. Or that I'll have to sit and smile through them talking to a coworker about his wife's pregnancy.
It's wonderful that you got some great support. I'm always surprised when it shows up where you don't expect it.

MAJ Bryen said...

I find knitting has gotten me through a lot of hard times as it helps me manage anxiety. I would avoid groups, too and understand your reluctance. Best wishes & happy ICLW!

Cassandra said...

Lovely scarf! I'd guess that your friend, having a summer birthday, doesn't usually receive scarves as birthday presents. :)