I'm still pregnant. But things are not looking good. My betas have been rising steadily but not doubling. My RE told me that what will certainly happen is the baby will keep growing as long as I stay on my progesterone and estrogen. But it will never get past 7 or 8 weeks. And by continuing to take the meds I'm prolonging the inevitable. She has no idea why this happened as she fully expected me to have a healthy pregnancy by this point. And at the moment doesn't know what direction to go in next.

My heart is broken. My husbands heart is broken.

How did we get here?

I don't think I'm going to write here anymore. I'm just so sick of writing all about my stupid crappy journey. So I'm on a break. Not sure for how long.

Beta is in.....

And I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!

Level was 66.5. Need to go in again Tuesday for a 2nd beta.

I did cheat though and took a test yesterday morning

after feeling lots of cramps on Friday. So I suspected as much. But I was still nervous. And I'm still nervous. I suppose that will happen until I have a live baby kicking and screaming in my arms.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

October is pregnancy loss awareness month. And October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. On this day, everyone who has lost a baby or knows someone who has lost a baby is invited to light a candle in remembrance at 7pm local time. Please consider doing this and encouraging others to participate as well. There are local candlelit walks around the country. Check out this link for more information.

Here they are

I feel true hope this time!! Like, the kind of hope I felt while I was still pregnant. These embies look so much better to me than Nugget. The cells are more uniform. And if you look closely you can see that the one on top is busting out of the shell. So I really feel like we have a fighting chance this time around. I sang along to this on the drive home.

The acupuncturist I had today was wonderful. She has undergone IVF and FETs and pregnancy loss. But she was very encouraging. And really helpful. She checked on the timing of the doctors for me so I could pace my water intake. It worked great. For the first time I wasn't "exploding" during the pre-acupuncture treatment. And I didn't have to pee during the transfer either. I'm sad that this was the first time I've had her for treatment. If this FET works, I'll ask for her when I go in for pregnancy treatments.

There was another couple there today having a FET. My mind went to the poor couple in Ohio that had the embryo mix-up. But then I realized how those things are very rare occurrences and my clinic is super careful. They checked my id and the labels on the embies like 8 times. And I only had 2 embies whereas the other couple (who have suffered several losses sadly) were transferring 4.

I really hope that they have success too.

Well. I think I'm going to catch up the young and the restless and then take a nap. Happy Friday!!

Lil' old lady pill box

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I just needed a break from thinking about TTC again and just wanted to reflect to myself about the loss of our baby. It was really good for me. I survived. I did not transform into a ball of tears as I imagined. I lit a candle and remembered how it felt to be pregnant with her and how it felt to hold her and look at her pretty face. I imagined what she would look like if she had been born. And I felt a sense of peace. I was dreading the due date for so long, it is like a weight of was lifted off my shoulders once the day passed. Now if only I could get babycenter to stop sending me emails saying how my 2 week old is doing. : (

Thank you to everyone who reached out and sent me cards, emails, comments, or thoughts. I appreciated it so much and so did K. He was so touched that so many people were thinking about us and Lydia on her EDD. I think he is finally getting why I love this community so much.

Well now I feel ready for this new cycle. And I just bought myself a little old lady pill box to help organize all the pills I have to take for FET #2. It is so crazy all the stuff I have to take. Yes it is way easier than a fresh cycle, but still so many meds. Because I have to take multiples of some pills per day, sometimes I forget if I actually took the dose. I have a ton of things on my mind with work and have trouble sometimes keeping it all straight. So this organizer will help a ton. And it is cool because you can detach the day you are on and pop in your purse. Do you think green and purple plastic pill organizer works with Coach?

I get to start the oh so fun Progesterone in Oil on Sunday to simulate ovulation. And then the transfer is on Friday. I have all the meds. My lining looks great. Oh and we are transferring 2 embies this time. So I feel pretty good. I just need to make the acupuncture appointment and I'll be all set.

EDD

Tonight K and I will light a candle to remember our baby girl Lydia who we only briefly met. Our perfect little beauty stolen from us in April when she should have been born sometime this week. Our EDD was September 3rd. As soon as we learned that date it was burned in my brain. I couldn't wait for the day to meet her. I never would have guessed that the day we met would be so bitter. So cruel.

I wish we could have met today instead.

______________________________________

One thing that I've learned from all of this is that I'm not the only one. There are way too many mothers that have lost their precious babies too soon. And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For that reason I'm going to do whatever I can to promote pregnancy loss awareness and try to raise funds in Lydia's name for research to prevent the type of loss that took her from us. I'm researching different organizations that I might want to use for this. Right now I'm thinking March of Dimes but I'll keep you guys posted on what we decide. But doing something like this makes me feel like I'm doing something for Lydia. And that makes me smile.

: (

So my beta was negative. I didn't even ask if there was a number. The call hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't really feel pregnant. But I just didn't really expect to here it was negative either.

Well after having a good cry, lots of hugs from K, and lots of kisses from Bailey I took a deep breath and thought of some good things.

1. Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. 6 years of marriage to one of the greatest human beings ever created. We will celebrate with a nice dinner out.

2. Since I'm not pregnant I can have champagne to celebrate our anniversary.

3. Since I'm not pregnant I can have sex to celebrate our anniversary.

4. We have 6 more frosties and I can just roll into another cycle.

5. I don't have to shoot myself in the ass tonight and for another couple of weeks!

At my WTF appointment next week I'm going to ask about transferring 2 next time. I never felt totally comfortable with just one and now that this cycle didn't work I feel more strongly that we should try to increase our chances.

8dp6dt

I went to my therapist on Wednesday. She thought it would be a good idea for me to stop trying to protect myself by not feeling hope for Nugget. She thinks having a poor mental attitude could be bad if s/he indeed is trying to grow in there. She told me about this study where there were 2 groups of cancer patients. One group was prayed for. At the end of the study, the group that was prayed for had better survival than the other group. The researchers attributed the success of the prayer group to positive thinking and good vibes. So my therapist asked me to try to commune with Nugget and let him or her know that I want him and will provide a safe passage if s/he decides to stay with us. And ever since then I've noticed all of these potential pregnancy symptoms. I don't really trust early pregnancy symptoms but it gives me a little hope. And talking to Nugget and acting like there is a chance gives me hope.

But here is the thing. Now I'm annoyed that I'm feeling a little hopeful about this baby. Because what happens when I get a BFN tomorrow. This is going to suck. Lydia's due date is on September 3rd. Why did I do this to myself? If the beta is negative and then I have to deal with her due date too this week is going to be just awful for me.

I haven't cried for weeks. That is a big deal for me. And I sobbed this morning thinking about poor Lydia. Poor me. Poor K. Poor Nugget. I was so obsessed with getting pregnant again before Lydia's due date and now I'm not sure why that felt like such a big deal. If I am pregnant it isn't going to take away the pain of losing her. And now if I'm not pregnant I'm going to have double pain. So just in case I get bad news tomorrow I've devised a little plan. I made sure that next week is going to be a really busy one at work. I've scheduled a meeting with my boss on Tuesday, and I have a ton of experiments to finish. So I'm going to throw myself into it. Concentrate on work. I won't have time to cry. I won't have time to feel. I'm just not sure I can handle it all.

Nugget

So here is the promised photo of my little de-frostie that I've been calling Nugget. I think the inner mass of cells makes it look like a gold nugget. Although it isn't gold. More clear than anything else. So sort of hard to photograph I guess. I don't know what Nugget is doing now. If he has hydrated and has implanted. Or maybe just still hanging out waiting to hatch. Or perhaps he has died. I wish I could tell what is going on down there. It is so odd to me that given all the perfect conditions that he couldn't just find a nice piece of lining and snuggle in. But sometimes they just don't. Are you are sticky little rockstar Nugget? I wonder.

1dp6dt and my super bladder

Obviously I have nothing in the way of symptoms yet and don't expect to feel for quite some time even if I do get pregnant. I am sort of surprised that my breasts aren't really sore from all the progesterone I'm on (1 cc of PIO, and 2 suppositories a day). My ass however, does hurt. I've got a huge welt on my right hip that is really bothering me. I'll have to use my left side for a couple of days I think.

The transfer went very smoothly. We transferred one sad looking de-frostie. The embryologist and RE said that the embie was perfect as it is a 1AA 6 day blast, and that the blast just looked strange because it had been dehydrated for freezing. I dunno. I supposed I can understand that. I just hope he/she is o.k and has a fighting chance at implanting. I just don't feel confident and hopeful like I did the last time.

I drank about half the required water before my acupuncture session as someone recommended in the comments of my last post (thank you so much). And I went in for the acupuncture session feeling pretty calm and relaxed. But by the time I got up from the table I had to pee. And once I went back for the transfer my bladder was ready to burst. So my RE let me empty it a little bit. Now ladies this is a difficult feat. Eliminating just a little urine. This actually happened during my last transfer so I knew that conceptually I could do it but was still scared about executing the task. Here is the trick. Pick a time (I had 5 seconds), then after the time stand up. You won't pee on yourself. I promise. I felt so much better, didn't feel the urge to pee anymore, and my bladder was still adequately full. So the lesson learned is that you don't have to drink all the water they ask you to necessarily. I drank about 18 oz of water and my nurse had said 24-50 oz. Anyway, it struck me that having a full bladder played a huge roll in trying to save Lydia and trying to get pregnant again. When they tried to get Lydia's amniotic sack back through my cervix, the on-call OB put a catheter in my urethra and filled my bladder with water. It was terribly uncomfortable. The OB and nurses were all surprised at the length of time I endured the full bladder without complaint. So maybe I've just got a super strong bladder.

Well now we wait. Beta isn't for another 8 days. But I'm just not that anxious about it. I think I'm really just getting more and more blah as I get closer to Lydia's EDD September 3rd. But I will try to send some good vibes to my little de-frostie everyday. I know that being a little more zen about things is best for my own psyche and better for de-frostie. So I'll try.

I "lied" and all is well for my FET tomorrow.

I love that I know my parents so well. I knew that when I told them I'd need a procedure to help me get pregnant again they'd take my statement for what it was. No questions. Just a little worry. But I assured them that it was a simple procedure and it would be better for me not to walk around when I get home and all day the following day. And also as predicted, my mom and dad were said they were so happy that they could be here to help when I have to be off my feet. I love them. And I'm so glad I didn't tell them the whole truth. They are just too scared to deal with me getting pregnant again. When my mom found my PNVs she told my husband that he should throw them away.

Well even though they are frightened I know that they'll be happy for me if the FET works. And of course we'll be thrilled as well. Getting pregnant again is the driving force that has kept me from going into despair over losing Lydia. I can't believe the day is actually here.... Deep Breath.

So the transfer is at 12pm PST. I go in for acupuncture at 11:15, and I guess I'll start drinking my "lots and lots" of water after the treatment. Or maybe I should start drinking it right before. Last time I forgot to drink the water before arriving at my clinic, but it was fine because my RE was doing a surgery and was late. But this time I hope she won't be late. So I better figure out when to start filling my bladder. Any thoughts ladies?

Is this bad?

My blood work from this morning looked good so we are on for Friday Transfer. I start taking PIO tonight and continue the estrace. I'm excited. I'm hopeful.

I also feel good because my mom and dad are coming to visit. They will be here for a week and I'm so happy I could burst. I haven't felt this happy in a long long time. I really miss them.

But K and I made the decision to not tell our parents about the FET ages ago. We just don't want the questions. Question like "are you sure you've waited long enough" and "will a baby be normal after being frozen" and "did you test, are you pregnant, what if what if what if". We just can't deal with that. So the only one who knows besides you guys is my brother who I just can't keep anything from. He is my own personal IRL cheerleader and he is keeping his mouth closed from the 'rents. But how are we supposed to keep this from them when they are here. I'm going to have to lie right to their faces. I hate to lie to them. But I can't face the alternative. So my plan on transfer day is to say I have to have a procedure that will help me get pregnant again. They know about the IF, fibroids, endo, etc so they won't question this. They may feel odd about me needing 2 days of bedrest, but they'll go with it. They will just want to know that I'm o.k. and will probably be happy that they are going to be around to take care of me. So I feel a little guilty. But really, telling them feels like if we were doing it the natural way and I said "hey don't mind us we are going to get busy now and try to make you another grandchild," so I feel justified in not telling them what is going on. But telling a boldface lie like this is going to be hard.

So far so good

This morning I went for a lining check and blood work. Fairly routine and easy visit. I didn't get nervous like I did during my fresh cycle. Not even when the freshly graduated medical assistant asked if it would be o.k. for her to take my blood. She looked so scared. I think a lot of patients must turn her down. The regular M.A.s were there saying that I didn't have to accept her if I didn't feel comfortable. But I figured what the heck. It took at least 10 minutes to draw one vial of blood. It was sort of cute in a way. She was so careful, checking my vain several times before doing the shot. I told her that she did a great job when she was finally finished. Hopefully it gave her a little more confidence for next time.

The ultrasound room gave me one tiny pang of pain. Just remembering seeing a squirmy little Lydia on that screen a few months ago made me frown. But after a deep breath I was fine. The tech didn't recognize me. I guess it has been a while and she has seen a lot of patients. But I remembered her. She did most of my follie checks. The follies that made Lydia and her little embryo siblings. I was glad to see a familiar face. My lining measured over 10 so I'm in the clear. I guess the combination of acupuncture, Pomegranate juice, and 3 estrace pills a day did the trick. And my blood work came back perfect.

So my FET is scheduled. I have to get my blood checked on Sunday to make sure things are still quiet and then Friday the 21st will be the transfer.

Let the games begin

So here I am. Cycling again. This is bittersweet. I've been waiting for months to cycle again. When Lydia died all I wanted was to be pregnant again. The void of my empty uterus was simply unbearable. And although slightly better now, I still am all consumed with having another baby while at the same time longing for the one I lost.

My period started on Friday so on Saturday I got to start taking estrace 3x a day. This is a crazy ton of estrogen. And I've already noticed a huge difference in my body. My periods are usually 5-6 days long. Well this one was a whopping 3 days. Like when I was a teenager. And I'm not going to complain for a minute. No pain this time. I didn't even notice the endo. No freak trips to the ER like last month. And no need for my stash of vicodin. I'm thrilled. Hopefully this is what is supposed to happen. But I'm guessing it is fine since so much estrogen mimics your cycle building a follicle and thus building a lining. So it makes sense my bleeding stopped. Well just in case I'll call my nurse to find out.

So in expectation of this FET working I've resumed taking the prenatal vitamins that I stopped after the baby died. I just couldn't come near the bottle. I did take a folic acid supplement though. I just didn't want to take the pills that I had been taking to nourish my Lydia. It seemed wrong. But it seems fine now. I'm o.k. moving ahead.

But I am not putting all my hopes into this working. I'm scared of the disappointment of a failed cycle. But not like before. Losing a baby at 21 weeks puts things in a different perspective. A BFN can not devastate me like it did in the past. But it will sting. Still I'm prepared. I know I shouldn't go into this expecting it to fail but I sort of do. My body sucks. I can't trust that it will work. And in a way I'm scared to risk my poor frosties on my stupid uterus and cervix.

Fun with IF

So I was poking around on itunes this weekend and found some pretty good IF podcasts. I thought that you ICLWers were be just as interested in these as I was so I'll describe them for you.

The one that I've listed to the most is called Creating a Family. The podcaster, Dawn Davenport is an adoption attorney and discusses issues such as endo, adoption, ART, RPL, TCM, and all things related to alternative options to creating a family. Just now I finished her discussion with Mel from about her book. It was so cool to hear the conversation that these two women had. If you want to listen it is the March 4th episode entitle "Calling all Stirrup Queens".

Just relax it will happen is done by a couple. I really like this one. First of all they have way cool British accents so that right there makes me inclined to listen. Better yet, they are truthful and sincere about their personal journey through IVF. They have one daughter and are now attempting a frozen cycle. I can't find a link to this one, so you'll have to find it through itunes if you want to listen. But I highly recommend it.

The infertility Rollercoaster is one from the guys point of view. So far I find it rather interesting. But there aren't that many episodes and it is from 2006.

There are a bunch more but I haven't gotten around to listening to them yet. But in addition to the podcasts I found some other interesting items.

Apparently there was/is a musical called Infertility the musical thats hard to conceive. I love it. What could be better than listening to people sing songs like "I've got sperm in my pocket" and "the donor dating game".

The last thing that I was found was a song by reggae artist Lady Saw called "no less a woman". Just a look at the album cover tells me that this chick knows where I'm coming from. Maybe this should be my new theme song. Or at least my new ringtone. Hopefully this video clip embeds properly so you can see what I mean.

Friends and knitting

So every Wednesday at work we have tea time.  Each lab takes turns bringing pastries, coffee, or tea and everyone socializes.  Since I returned to work I've avoided tea time.  The thought of being in a room full of people that could potentially ask me about what happened scared the hell out of me.  So I found excuses to avoid going.  

The thing is,..... tea time used to be my thing.   I loved socializing and gossiping with everyone.  I volunteered to buy the goodies for our lab and looked forward to "hosting".  I hate that even that has been taken from me.

Yesterday morning I did my best to make myself invisible but my boss found me anyway.  He asked if I was going to make the tea and I protested for about a minute until I realized that I must have sounded pretty lame.  So I made the tea and commandeered some of my buddies to go with me and surround me for support.  It was fine.  We chatted.  We joked.  We ate yummy scones.  And my knitting friend Else approached me and asked how I've been since she hadn't seen me around (she had been gone for a while when I just started showing, and came back during my leave so she didn't even know I had been pregnant).  I sort of just said fine and changed the subject to how she has been, etc.  So I survived unscathed.

Later on I ran into Else in the ladies room.  She asked me again where I had been since she hadn't seen me around so I told her that I had been pregnant and that I had lost the baby.  And for the first time, I didn't falter when explaining what happened to Lydia.  I was so proud of myself.  But looking into Else's eyes,  I could see that she was heartbroken.  She had tears in her eyes when she asked if it was something that could happen again.  So I explained to her about the cerclage, P17, and bedrest option and even managed to sound a little hopeful.  She just looked so sad.  I apologized for ruining her day.  And she said not to think that I had and that she is just amazed that any babies ever make it.    We hugged briefly and she when she left she thanked me for sharing with her.  I thanked her for understanding.

I don't know.  From her words I just got the feeling that she really knew what I was talking about.  Like she may have had a similar experience.  She is in her late fifties, a frickin awesome speed knitter, and she and her husband have no children.  And I've heard her make comments during the knitting group like "nope, no kids for me" while quickly shaking her head.  I always just shrugged it off.  Now I wonder.  Her response to my story really touched me.  She is the only person besides you guys who has wondered about next time around.  No platitudes.  No one-upping my loss with some other more horrid loss.  And no just assuming that things would be fine once we tried again.  So many people have said "you guys are so young", "at least you know you can get pregnant" and 

crap like that not knowing my history.  She didn't do this.  Why??  Well I guess it doesn't matter.  I'm just glad that I've told yet another person and survived.   And I'm glad that I was able to go to tea time and have fun.  So all the anxiety isn't worth it.  

I can do this!!  

And I can knit.  I started this project as a way to relax and bide my time.  I always loved knitting but I have found it to be extremely soothing to my psyche even more so lately.  This scarf is going to be a birthday present for my best friend who is coming to visit from NYC at the end of the month.  I hope she likes it.   The pictures don't really do it justice.  I made this same alpaca scarf for myself (in forest green) and wear it all winter long.  I love it, and it thought that if I knit it in black then my bff would love it too.  The scarf has a fancy ruffled edge (which you can sort of see in the first image) and a cool herringbone stitch (you can sort of see this in the second image).  

Because it is a skinny scarf, you can use one skein of yarn.  And it calls for largish needles so it knits up quick.  

It isn't me!!!

I knew I'd find out soon but didn't expect it to be this soon. The fish dream (see post below if you have no clue what I'm talking about) was about my older brother. Apparently he forgot how to properly use a condom. My other brother told me the news last night. I told him that I was just going to try to block this knowledge from my memory. But of course I can't. This baby, this sweet innocent child is a result of a fling. A fling!!! I would like to say I'm surprised but I'm not. This means my older brother now will have 3 children. One he takes care of and is in our lives. My beautiful nephew Dominic. His daughter we haven't seen since she was about 1. Her mother hates my brother and banned him from her daughter's life, and thus banned her from our lives. And now this baby. I'm pretty certain that s/he is not going to have a role in my brother's life. He can't stay in a relationship (monogamy issues) and he can't financially support another child. He just barely gets by paying child support for Dom. I hate this! It isn't fair that he should get to have another baby and mine is ashes on my mantle.

Fish Dreams

So this morning over the phone my mom tells me how she has been having fish dreams for a while now and she wonders who is next.Let me explain that when a woman in my family dreams about fish, someone ends up pregnant.  It always happens.  My grandmother dreamt when all of my aunts were pregnant and knew before they did.  No joke.  And when I was in college my grandmother had a fish dream and my parents went crazy thinking it had to be me because I was the only female "old enough" to get knocked-up.  Well obviously it wasn't me. My younger cousin.  She now has 3 kids.  

So I told my mom that I couldn't guess who it was and wanted to just leave it at that.  But then she started in with.... "you never know, it could work naturally this time for you".  I just said no firmly and changed the subject.   Is my mom just being hopeful.  Or just being a pain in the ass.  Either way I can't stop thinking about it. Why not me?  Is it possible that my mother could be predicting a future pregnancy for me.  I doubt it.  I'm guessing another cousin is pregnant.  I'll let you all know what I find out in a month or so.  

But just maybe my mother's signals are crossed and she is just dreaming of my water dog who pretty much acts like a fish.  

Here is a picture of him dripping wet during our trip to the beach.  And just to give you are taste of summer in San Francisco...... 

Yes that little girl is wearing a wetsuit!And check out the fog.  That's K and Bailey in the distance.  Except they weren't that far away from me.  The fog just made it look that way.

Aches and Pains

So in addition to all my emotional stuff it seems like my endo is back with a vengeance. So much for acupuncture! I started my period last weekend and it was fine at the beginning. Not to heavy, no cramps. But then Sunday hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so painful. The odd thing was that the pain seemed to be centered on my right side. And not low. Higher up close to my navel. I started feeling hot and uncomfortable and took my temperature. 99.7. Not really a fever but close. I started freaking out about possible appendicitis and ended up going to the ER after checking in with the nurse line. And here is where my life starts to resemble a situational comedy.

As we decide to go to the ER, K takes Bailey out to let him pee since we don't know how long we'll be gone. And poor Bailey gets stung by a bee on his left paw. Our poor baby was whining and wailing. Bailey wouldn't let K look at his paw. He let me look, but with my sore belly I couldn't really angle myself to get out the stinger. So K ended up dropping me off at the ER and then took Bails to the vet. It was totally crazy. Poor guy. Poor dog. Poor me. We are such a sorry group.

Well after a pelvic, and a CT scan that somehow took 8 hours to complete, they concluded that the pain was caused by the endometriosis growing on new parts of my abdomen and leaving little pools of blood in various places. Awesome. So now I have internal bleeding. At least with this type of bleeding the body just reabsorbs it somehow so no surgery or anything of the sort will be needed. They sent me home with a prescription of vicoden and a really sore arm (from all the vials of blood they drew and the IV).

Bailey had a much easier time. He did have to wait an hour to be seen, but the vet techs just held him down forcefully and took out the stinger with a tweezer. They didn't even charge K for the service. We had given Bails a benadryl before we left the house so he was a little sleepy and thus easier to deal with. The techs thanked us for that.

So yesterday I explained to my acupuncturist what happened and she is all up in arms about how I really have to cut out sugar and wheat gluten from my diet because these are adding to the endo. And she would like me to do herbs but I can't since I'm on the pill now and Dr. W. does not allow herbs to used at the same time as meds. So I'm going to try this crazy elimination diet to see if the wheat gluten is really a problem. I'm not excited about this. I've already given up shellfish (no big deal for me), dairy (way bigger deal), and chicken (frickin huge deal) and I still have little pools of blood in my belly. All I know is if this stuff doesn't help with the endo pain for my next period at least now I have the vicodin. And all this crazy dieting is going to help me get wicked skinny because what have I got left to eat besides fresh fruits and veggies. Le sigh.

Feelings

So lately I've felt the o.k.  I can go to work and function.  I can go to brunch with my best friend and laugh.  I feel joy watching Bailey leap into the air to make a great catch.  

But the pain is right there.  I understand now what it means to have some sort of emotion "just underneath the surface".  This is exactly where my feelings sit.  And they emerge easily as hot tears.  I hate this.  

There are tiny things that can trigger me and send me into a panic.  For instance, when I woke up this morning I was on my stomach.  I immediately thought about how I shouldn't be able to do that now.  I should be so huge that sleeping on my stomach would be physically impossible.  This cascaded into more and more thoughts about what I'm missing out on and what I should be experiencing.  That it isn't fair that I have to go without my Lydia.  It isn't right.  It is all wrong.  And I ended up just shaking my head no for something like a half an hour before I motivated to get up and out of bed.

I am not the type of person who can just be sad all the time.  And I know this will take a great deal of time and that I may never ever get over it.  But I just wish that I could fast forward.  I wish that I was already done with these feelings.    It just blows that not only did I have to loose my daughter and have the worry that I may not ever have another child, go through fertility treatments again, have to do acupuncture again, have to go to therapy now, I also have to endure this sadness now indefinitely.  I hate to sound cliche but why me?.  I just don't get it. 

In addition to being sad and confused I'm really pissed.  Why is it that after all the procedures I've been thought no doctor could find some sort of marker to indicate that I would be prone to pre-term labor and incompetent cervix?  They can tell all sorts of problems that your unborn baby might have.  They can  give you pap smears to screen for cervical cancer, and mammograms to screen for breast cancer.  They can give people amazing drug cocktails to keep their HIV from developing into full blown AIDS.  Women can have sextuplets and octuplets even.  But I can't have the care to allow me to have one.  There is no way to tell that someone is going to go into early labor?  There has to be some sort of indication!!!  Why isn't anyone studying this?  This makes me so angry.  I live in the USA.  I don't live in a 3rd world country.  This should not have happened to me.  Every doctor who I've spoken to since my loss has said "yes your case is typical.  21 weeks.  yes that is exactly when this happens".  O.K. then why didn't my OB tell me around 18 weeks to watch out for this type of thing.  Would it be that hard for OBs to tell their 2nd tri patients to watch out for signs of early labor?  Perhaps we would have gotten to that chat at my next appointment.  Perhaps other OBs tell their patients about this risk.  But mine didn't.  So I'm beyond pissed.  

IF in the plant world???

This is Trudy, a Titan arum plant, aka corpse plant.  She is big and ugly, and stinks of rotting flesh (hence the nickname corpse plant).  I fought the crowds to take a look at her today because today was the first time since 2005 that she produced a flower.  Yes ladies and gents,  Trudy gets a chance at reproduction only every 4 or 5 years.  Very much like us infertiles, Trudy doesn't have a lot of opportunities to make a baby.  And when she does, she goes all out... making this giant flower (almost 7 feet tall).  I liken this to all the effort that we IFers have to put into baby making.  Injecting ourselves, undergoing crazy dietary regimes, surgeries, pills, blood draws, dildo cam visits....all in the hope of reproducing.

 The flower stinks (It was pretty nasty.  Being that it was growing in a greenhouse in June.  Just use your imaginations girls.) to attract flies and beetles that will carry pollen to her flowers.  Much like our REs guide sperm to eggs through IUI or IVF.  I'm assuming that most of us IFers don't stink.  But it does stink that a lot of us have to pay thousands of dollars for the chance to do what practically everyone else can do for free.  

The rest of the time in her life cycle when Trudy is not working her little plant ass off to reproduce, she looks like this.  

Just tall and leafy.  And not stinky.  This is the waiting stage.  So I guess right now that I'm waiting anxiously for 

my FET in August I'm sort of in my leafy stage.  I'm really not doing what I'm 'supposed' to do for reproduction.  I'm not taking pre-natals. Haven't had the heart to swallow them since I associate them with Lydia.  I'm drinking tons of coffee.  Really strong coffee!! And right now I'm guzzling down an ice cold Toffee Coffee Frostie.  According to my acupuncturist, cold food and drinks are a big no no.  Something to do with taking the blood away from the uterus to help warm up the cold stuff so it can be digested.  So the Frostie being frozen is probably really bad.  Oh and it is coffee flavor so all that extra caffeine added to the 2 cups of Joe I had today is probably bad too.  Also, my acupuncturist wants me to cut out sugar.  I'm sure there are about 2 cups of sugar in my Frostie.  But I really don't care.  I'm Leafy.  There is no chance that I can get pregnant right now anyway so I might as well enjoy myself a little.  Come July I'll get back on track.

Welcome ICLW participants

I've decided to add a little background info for those of you who have never visited my blog.

I hope that it helps you to understand my upcoming posts should you chose to visit again.  

So in 2004 while on the pill I had some weird spotting.  I asked my doctor about it and she had me take a pregnancy test.  My first beta.  I was scared out of my mind.  Could I be pregnant?  We hadn't been married for even a year yet?  What would people think?  What would this do to my career?

The test was negative.  Several ultrasounds later they confirmed that I had a baseball sized fibroid in my uterus that needed to be removed.  I had surgery a few weeks later and but the doctor wasn't a very skilled surgeon and the only removed about 1/4 of the fibroid tissue.  Besides the pain and heavy bleeding I didn't really care.  I wasn't ready to be a mom yet.  And K was not ready to be a dad.  But in another year the mommy feelings hit me like an ultimate frisbee to the head.  All of a sudden I feared for my fertility.  I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy.  I wanted a child.  And I thought we should start trying.  Two years later he finally agreed.  Well by then we had moved and I was seeing a new GYN who was this so called fibroid expert and insisted that the fibroid come out before we could really try because I would most definitely miscarry any conceived children very early on with that large fibroid.  We had the surgery and afterward he said to "get to it".  That to come back in 6 months if we weren't pregnant, but he doubted we wouldn't be.  Well after waking up daily to check temps, learning the wonders of cervical mucus and spending a fortune on OPKs we still were not pregnant.  Fertility friend confirmed that I was ovulated every months.  So we did a sperm analysis.  It was perfect.  We did another.  Perfect.  I took clomid (not monitored) and started acupuncture.  Not pregnant. Got a referral to an RE who quickly realized that the current dosage of clomid wasn't helping me.  I still just had one follie and she expected 2.  She increased the dosage, scheduled and IUI and we once again had hope.  Come IUI day my husbands sample was crap.  I cried my eyes out.  He doesn't have a problem.  Normally his swimmers are excellent.  Turns out a really bad fever a month or so before wrecked his sperm that day.  But my RE also suspected that I had bigger problems.  My ultrasounds showed what looked like a new fibroid.  So we did a a lap/hysteroscopy and during that she found stage 3 endo that pulled my fully functioning ovaries so far away from my fallopian tubes that I didn't stand a chance of getting an egg near a sperm.  And my uterus was filled with a ton of scar tissue that she determined was a result of the past surgery (once the large fibroid was removed my large uterus was empty and collapsed on itself and when it went back to normal made scar tissue).  This too would never let a pregnancy stick.  She cleaned out the uterus, but the endo was going to make IUIs really impossible.  We needed IVF.  We did IVF.  We got pregnant.  I didn't believe it could be real.  I couldn't enjoy it.  I kept thinking we were going to loose it.  That there would be no heartbeat.  That there would be something wrong with it.  20 weeks later we found out that the baby was perfect.  All the right parts were there.  No markers for chromosomal problems.  And it was a GIRL!!  We were overjoyed.  And I finally relaxed. 

That brings us to the current part of my story.  The awful terrible craptastic part of the story.  (Deep Breath).  I can't re-tell that tale.  It is too fresh.  Too painful still.  But if you want to read what happened go to the entry from April 27th or 28th.  But the gist is that I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.  Of all of my diagnosis this one was the worst.  This one could not be predicted.  This one stole my perfect healthy baby girl from K and I.  This one means that instead of planning my baby shower I am trying to figure out what to do with Lydia's ashes.  This is the one that means is I am ever blessed again with another child I will have to have my imcompetent cervix stitched up with a cerclage, and will forever be deemed a highrisk patient who will likely need bedrest to carry a  child to term.  

So here we are.  Scared to death but preparing to try a frozen embryo transfer in a couple of months.  I am infertile.  I have an incompetent cervix.  But I will have a live healthy baby someday.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  I never in a million years imagined that I would be in this position.  I spend way too much time wishing I could go back in time and make K realize that we should start TTC sooner.  Or that I could get a referral to the RE sooner.  Or that I could get to the hospital earlier and they could have saved my Lydia.  But none of that is possible.  I'm stuck here in reality and probably the main way I heal myself is through this blog.  

ICLW has led me several blogs that I now read daily.  I'm so thankful to Mel for organizing this and bringing this community together.  So happy ICLW everyone.  I look forward to meeting peaking into your lives this week.  And hopefully finding some new amazing blogs to add to my daily list.

That was easy

For once I woke up from surgery to hear good news. No fibroids!!! No adhesions!!! I am overjoyed. That means my recovery time should be short. Dr. W did find a little bit of tissue that she thinks could me leftover placental tissue. She sent other off to pathology to be analyzed and I'll find out what of was at my post-op. Since I got home I've been napping and chatting with K. He just brought me my iPhone so I could post. I'm still too tired to hey up and go to our desktop. And I left my laptop at work.


I think I'll be ok to go to work in the morning. I haven't even had to take a Tylenol. This is seriously the easiest procedure I've had so far.

Back to work

So today is my second day back in the lab.  For the most part it has gone better than expected.  I went in yesterday after lunch since I had my pre-op appointment in the late morning.  I'm glad that I only did half of a day.  It was a good way to get back into it.  Most people said "welcome back" and that they missed me.  That was the perfect thing to say.  No questions or comments on the baby.  They all know what happened so I guess they shouldn't have questions.  And they all sent their condolences after Lydia died so they really didn't have to do the "I'm sorrys".  And that was fine with me.  It isn't like I want to forget what happened.  I just don't want to get into tit with work people.  Does that make sense?   Of course there had to be one person to make me almost cry.  Our visiting scientist hugged me and told me how she was worried I'd get really depressed and never return to work.  Now, I have to add that English is not her first language so I'm not sure how much of our conversation was lost in translation.  Anyway she told me how her  brother and his wife lost their 1.5 year old daughter due to a heart condition and they were very depressed and the wife didn't return to work until a year later.  She said that her SIL would have probably preferred to have lost her daughter earlier (as in 21 weeks).  I think trying to say it is better that I lost Lydia before I got to know her.  This pissed me off.  But I let it roll off my back and said whenever a baby dies it is a tragedy and that I was very sad to hear of her niece passing on.  Then she went on about how I'm so young and can try again.  I'm so glad everyone thinks 33 is young.  Whatever.  I know she meant well and I know that people can say dumb things.  One of K's co-irkers actually said to him "it is all for the best".  What the crap?  All for the best for who exactly.  To reiterate, some people say dumb things.  

All in all I'm glad to back.  One of the grad students has her qualifying exam tomorrow (to become a PhD candidate) and she needed to practice her presentation.  Everyone else in the lab had already heard it all and didn't want to help her.  So I came back right on time to offer my help.  Today we spent 2 hours going over her slides and I quizzed her.  She knows her stuff but is super nervous.  I was happy to give her some guidance and hope I helped her realize that she is ready so she can relax a little tonight.  It felt really good to help someone.  

My acupuncturist is a mad genius

Hysteroscopy is on.  I have it scheduled for Thursday morning in the surgery center at my RE office.  This is the same room where they did my egg retrieval.  I've had good luck in that room so I'm not worried.  That and I've had more procedures down there than I'd care to remember.

I'm just happy to get this out of the way so my body has lots of time to heal.  And I'll be using Traditional Chinese Medicine to help me heal faster.

I've had pretty good luck with acupuncture in the past.  The needles never hurt.  I was always relaxed and felt very calm afterward.  The first practitioner I visited was this older Chinese man who was all about business.  His clinic was just a basic office built out of an old San Francisco Victorian.  He put in the needles and would sometimes light some incense right on my belly.  It regulated my crazy cycles and helped me ovulate earlier.  But with the endo I was meant for IVF.  So when I decided to IVF I started up with a new practitioner.  This was mostly because I didn't feel like driving all the way to San Francisco every Saturday morning.  This woman was in my town and I could go after work.  Her clinic was very different from the first.  She played spa type relaxing music and had her rooms all decorated in zen images, had tea for patients, and had one of those sand/rock gardens to look out at when waiting.  You also had to remove your shoes at the front door and put on slippers.  It was really relaxing.  And I know that she helped me relax during stimming as well as help my lining get to a good size.  She was also able to help me with "the bloat".   I love her.  But as you regular readers know we moved to a new town.  And I really didn't want to drive all the way to my old town just for acupuncture.  I found a new practitioner and she is like the best of the other two with a hint of crazy.  She is totally old school and uses different guage needles which can sting a little going in but then cause extreme relaxation.  She did a lot of needles in my ears to help me deal with my emotions since losing the baby and dealing with IF and it has really helped.  I can't explain it properly but it is something like little waves of emotion trickling off and out of me.  I feel so much better after her sessions.  She has the spa music too, and puts an eye pillow over my eyes during the rest period.  It is so wonderful.  But it still kind of freaks me out that it is works so well.  Yesterday was day 3 of my cycle and she put in way less needles but talked to me about how the body releases tension during menstruation and to just let it out.  I found myself crying on the table.  It was so weird.  And my flow had been sort of on and off before the session but about an hour later it was totally normal.  So I think she is some sort of mad genius.  I'm glad I found her.  And I'm sure she'll help me heal fast from this hopefully last hysteroscopy.  

Day 1

Didn't think I'd be excited as I was to get my period .   But I had a tiny feeling of joy, mixed with relief.  Only someone who is waiting to cycle understands this weird feeling I'm talking about.  To someone in this position,  cycle day one is a clean slate.  Its the start of a potentially BFPful month.  Well that won't be happening to me this month of course.  I started BCPs today.  Yesterday when I was at the pharmacy I thought for a second to pick up some OPKs because we could potentially have one of those break cycle BFPs.  Then I got back to reality.  BCPs Betsy.  You aren't getting pregnant this month Betsy.  You are on the pill again.  And you are having surgery that would harm a pregnancy anyway.   

I'm still excited to start BCPs again.  It means I'm that much closer to my FET.  I was also excited to call my RE office to get my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I'll hear back in a day or 2 when the surgery will take place.  I just want to get this surgery over with so I can concentrate on making my uterus a happy place again.  So I have things to look forward to.  

I discussed this odd feeling of hope with my therapist yesterday.  So yes I did decide to see a therapist.  So far I'm not sure that it is helping anything.  But I've only been to see her twice and realize that these things should take a long long time to work out.   It seems to me that she does quite a bit of the talking.  I imagined that she would just ask me lots of questions while I lay on the couch reflecting.  Nope.  There is a couch.  But I just sit on it.  I'll keep going.  I'm sort of curious to see how much this is going to help me.  Anyway, yesterday we discussed how conflicting it is to feel hope for a future pregnancy when I am still grieving the loss of Lydia.  The trick is to balance it.  And to not feel guilty about feeling hope.  This of course is much easier said than done.

Lucky 7's

MakNow over at Ova-EZ created this tag and I've taken forever to complete it.  So here goes.

The rules are to mention the person who tagged you and answer the 7 questios with 7 answers each.  Then tag 7 bloggers and let them know they've been tagged.

7 All-time Favorite books:

1.  Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood

2. The Notebook

3.  Harry Potter (i loved all of them)

4.  A tree grows in Brooklyn

5.  The time traveler's wife

6.  The lovely bones

7.  The Lord of the Rings (entire trilogy)

7 All-time Favorite Movies

1. Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind

2.  The Royal Tennenbaums

3.  Being John Malcovich

4.  Dirty Dancing

5.  Strictly Ballroom

6.  When Harry Met Sally

7.  My mother's castle/my father's glory (french)

7  Things you must have on your person at all times

1. iphone

2. Wedding Band

3.  Keys

4.  Hand Cream

5.  Nail File

6.  lip gloss

7.  id

7 Things that make you happy

1.  K

2. Bailey

3.  Sunshine

4.  LOST

5.  Roses (on the bush)

6.  Reading

7.  Hugs

7 Words that best describe you

1.  Human

2.  Woman

3.  Silly

4.  Friendly

5.  Academic

6. Realist

7.  Mother

7 Jobs you wish you could have

1.  Mommy (to a living baby)

2.  Professor

3.  Reproductive Endocrinologist

4.  Spy

5.  Supermodel

6.  Soap Opera Writer

7.  Travel Writer 

7 Favorite TV shows

1.  LOST

2.  The young and the restless

3.  How I met your Mother

4.  Grey's Anatomy

5.  30 Rock

6.  Kath and Kim (Australian and American Versions)

7.  Gilmore Girls

7 Favorite baby names (male or female o.k.)

1.  Lydia

2. Chloe

3.  Zoe

4.  Ian

5.  Jana

6.  Owen

7.  Penelope (Penny)

7 Websites you check out every day

1.  thebump.com

2.  gmail.com

3.  googlereader

4.  higheredjobs.com

5.  chronicleofhighered

6.  knitty.com

7.  soapoperafan.com

I'm tagging........

Everyone.  Meaning if you like this tag and want to do it then copy it and paste it, and let me know if you decided to do it so I can see your lucky 7s.  

Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist

My meeting with the MFM went well for the most part.  First of all, I was able to tell him what happened to me and Lydia without crying.  I was amazed at myself since this is the first time I was able to do that.   Well after hearing it all and looking through my records he thinks that even though I could be labeled as a classic IC patient we can't be sure that it wasn't also pre-term later (PTL).  Perhaps the contractions happened really quick and caused my cervix to dilate.  Or perhaps my cervix opening up caused the contractions.  We will never know.  But for next time (if we manage to even get pregnant again) I will be getting a cerclage to keep the cervix shut once I make it to 12 weeks, and then I'll take P17 shots weekly starting at 16 weeks to stop PTL.  When describing the P17 he was all apologetic because it is a shot and "those are hard".  I actually laughed.  I reminded him that Lydia was the result of IVF and I had to have shots everyday for weeks and weeks.  So a weekly P17 is no big deal.  The doctor also suggests that I have weekly cervix checks and will do modified rest depending on how the cervix looks.  I plan on doing self imposed modified bedrest regardless.   He showed me how the cerclage would be done on this cool little model of the uterus and vagina.  Doesn't seem to complicated.  And he has been doing them for 18 years.  So that made me feel good.  When I asked about a TAC (transabominal cerclage) he said that in my case it isn't warranted because I have plenty of cervix.  Basically he only recommends TACs to women with little to no cervix left.  I'm going to do a little more research on this.  I know that he is a highly respected MFM but from what I've heard on the cerclage message boards most doctors do not recommend TACs simply because they don't know enough about them.  I do trust this doctor.  But he is just a man.  And he might not know all there is to know about cerclages.  So I'll do a little digging around and see if I can get a second opinion on this just in case.  

I did ask him about transferring 2 blasts and he didn't totally agree with my RE that I wouldn't be able to carry a twin pregnancy to term.  But he said the chances of going into pre-term labor increase with twins and that I should consider that when deciding how many we want to transfer.  I know that Busted (from Busted Babymaker) and some other women out there have had success transferring one so I'm feeling a tad better about it.  But just a tad.  I'll need to research this some more too.

The last thing we talked about was how long I should wait before TTC.  This was the only part of the consult that bugged me.  He agreed that 3 months was standard but that I may need more time mentally.  I told him that mentally I thought I was getting there and know it will take some time.  That I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow, and I'm reading a lot about grief and pregnancy/baby loss (I have a stack of books I'm going through).  This blog, others blogs, and message boards are a good outlet for me too.  This is what works for me.  But he gave me a skeptical look and said "well it best to take some time because the next pregnancy you'll be really anxious".  O.K. I get that.  Of course I'll be anxious!  But I don't think that waiting 6 months instead of 3  is going to stop that anxiety from coming.  Whether I get pregnant tomorrow or next year I'll be anxious during the pregnancy.  I know myself.  And I know that I've waited long enough.  I waited for my husband to want to TTC.  I waited for the fibroid surgeries.  I waited to go to the RE.  I waited for IVF.  Now I have to wait again.  I'm tired of waiting.  I want to be a mother to a live baby.  I guess this is something to go over with the therapist tomorrow.   

The Dish

So my RE appointment didn't result the way I had hoped.  Dr. W and all the staff were as sweet as they always were.  Dr. W wanted to give me a hug.  We talked for a long time before the sonogram.  During the talk she asked me to explain exactly what happened and as I did I started tearing up.  She handed me tissue and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.  It was so sad.  She asked me about my mental state and asked about therapy.  I told her how I didn't like the support group and was considering one on one counseling.  Turns out she personally knew some of the counselors and told me which ones she thought I would mesh with.  Her $.02 was that even if I don't need  a counselor now I will most certainly do better to have one when I get pregnant again because I'll be really anxious and that won't be good for me or the baby.  So I'm going to give it a try.  What have I got to loose.  And as many of you suggested I can always quit if I don't like it.  So I'm going to call today and try to set up an appointment.

The next part of the conversation was about moving forward and the ease of a FET vs fresh.  She said our frozen embryos are excellent quality and assured me that the chances of them not surviving the thaw are slim to none.  That the lab is amazing and has 99.9 thaw rate.   All the embies are in individual straws and can be thawed one at a time so if per chance the first one didn't make it, the next one would be fine.  And I have a bunch (7 I think).  So that is a great thing.  However, she suggests we only transfer one.  That twins OBVIOUSLY wouldn't work because I wouldn't be able to carry them to term.  This stung.  I don't like the odds of getting pregnant with only one embie.  I had 2 transferred last time and only Lydia stuck.  So this really scares me.  I don't want to go month after month of transferring one and nobody s

ticks.  But my RE said that the frozen embies are even stronger maybe than Lydia and her brother/sister embie were because they lasted a day longer etc etc.   Whatever.  The next part of the conversation really killed me.  She wants to do a hysteroscopy (this will be my 4th) to make sure the uterus is totally clean.  I know we need to do this.  Especially given my history of fibroids and scar tissue.   But I don't want to do that again.  Dr. W insisted that the multiple hysteroscopies could not have affected my cervix.  But I'll always wonder.  So on day one of my cycle I am supposed to call her to schedule the surgery and start BCPs.  The sonogram showed one good sized follie on my right ovary so that should pop out soon and then my period should follow shortly thereafter.  Then it is hysteroscopy, then a month off to heal, then the FET.  God this all seems so far away.  I have a consult with a MFM on Thursday.  Hopefully he'll have some good news for me.

*********************************************

O.K. so Astrid over at babymaking101 was kind enough to give me the honest scrap award.

  Thanks for giving me this honor Astrid.  And sorry it has taken me so long to accept it.  

The Rules for this award are to write 10 Honest Things about myself.  So here it is:

1.  I've been watching re-runs of full house during my leave.  It is drivel but it makes me happy.

2.  I was a mean girl.  Yes a mean girl like in the movie.  I could write all about the bitchy things I did but then you guys probably wouldn't like me.  Let me just say that I changed my wicked ways by senior year. 

3.  I believe that all of the bad things that have happened to me are a cause of Karma biting back.  Why poor K has to be brought down by my bad behavior is the only part I can't account for.  So maybe it isn't Karma.  Unless he was bad too.   

4.  I gained ~20lbs last year due to IF.  Gross I know.  I used to exercise a lot but last year I was so depressed I just stopped working out and when I don't work out I gain weight.  

5.  I don't think Kate is a monster.  I think Jon is a douche and she probably treats him like crap because of his douchyness and she was probably under a crap ton of stress with all those babies to take care of.  I give her the benefit of the doubt because she is an IF survivor and therefore my sister.

6.  I've been watching the Young and the Restless since I was 9.  Still watch everyday (thank goodness for DVRs and online tv).

7.  I think I want to be a SAHM.  After all this crap if I ever manage to deliver a living baby I don't know that I would want to give up any time with the baby.  This after getting a Ph.D might seem crazy but I just think family is the most important thing right now.

8.  I hold a grudge

9.  I can beat anyone at brickbreaker.  I rock.

10.  I really can't come up with a 1oth.  So there.  I'm breaking the rules.  

So the other rules that come with receiving this award include giving it to at least 7 other blog writers that you find brilliant in content or design.  

* Show the 7 winners’ names on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have been awarded Honest Scrap.

And the winners......in no particular order are:

Ova EZ, Dancing With Gaia, Meinsideout, Inconceivable, O Baby, Bella and Her Fella, and the Infertile Buppie.

my forever child

I got a beautiful piece of jewelry in the mail yesterday.  Forgive my crappy photography.  I really couldn't get a good image.  
The photo on the left shows one side of the charm that says "Always in my heart" around the circle and then the inner disc says 4/26/09.  

The other side (photo on right) has baby footprints on the heart disc and says Lydia Rose around the circle.  I love it.   This is one of the rare times that I've really loved something I did not see in person before buying since I ordered it online.  I found this online jewelry shop called My Forever Child through someone on the babycenter 2nd/3rd trimester lost message board.  I would highly recommend this shop to anyone who has someone they want to remember this way.  They also have fertility jewelry apparently.  So if you are interested check out the link.  

I bought supplies two weeks ago to work on a memory box (shadow box) to hold the blanket that I was knitting, the tape measure that they used to measure Lydia, and some other items.  We will probably display the finished product in our bedroom if I ever finish it.  Crafting usually comes easy to me.  But I really want to create something perfect for this.  So I've been giving a lot of thought to the design of this box.  Whenever I get it done I'll post a photo.

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Today I have an appointment with my RE.  I'm nervous to go back to that office.  When I left there I was so happy.  And when I first went there I was excited.  This time I have neither of those feelings.  Just nervous anxiety about what she is going to tell me about my stupid uterus.  Good thing I have an acupuncture session later in the afternoon to calm me down if it is bad.

1 month

The little "vacation" was good.  It was nice for K and I to have some quality time together.  I feel really close to him now.  Closer than ever in our relationship. We walked a lot, holding hands tightly and didn't really have to say anything.  We were just really connected.  So that felt wonderful.  We did talk a bunch though at other times.  We talked a lot about what we want to do with Lydia's ashes.  They should be ready to pick up this week.  Initially we had decided to place them in a mausoleum and have a service with our priest.  Some of our relatives and my best friend offered to fly in for it.  But I feel like that would be odd.  They didn't know Lydia like K and I.  They wouldn't be remembering her.  But they would be supporting us.  They've already done that.  I don't know, I just feel that it isn't necessary for them to come here.  Actually I'm thinking that I might go against the church and scatter her ashes.  The thing is K and I don't plan on staying in CA forever.  And we don't want to leave Lydia's remains in a place that we may never visit.  If we were to scatter her in the ocean, she would be everywhere.  All the oceans connect right.  So whenever we went to the beach we would feel connected to her.  Alternatively we could keep the remains in an urn and then bury them or scatter them wherever we settle for good, hopefully near family.  The decision hasn't been made yet.  But I suppose we have time.  Once we have the ashes they can just be as we come to a decision.

We had really nice meals.  I wouldn't say we are foodies, but we do love to eat, and we especially love to try new restaurants.  We haven't been eating very well in the past couple of weeks.  And haven't gone out to eat either.  So the vacation really super charged this feeling in the both of us.  So I'm planning to cook some of our favorite meals while I'm still at home.

Well I can't believe its been a month since we lost her.  Oddly it feels like time has flown by while standing still.  I only have 2 weeks before I have to go back to work.  But that is o.k. I'm not afraid to go back to work anymore.  It will be good to do science again.  Good to use my brain. But I am afraid of the people.  That is going to be the hard part. 

Progress....well a little bit anyway

I spent some QT with my phone.  Now I have appointments set up with my RE, and with a new acupuncturist.  I'm supposed to have a sono with the RE to make sure all is good in my uterus (which I highly doubt since I'm prone to scar tissue).  I'm betting that I'm going to need another hysteroscopy to clear everything up.  But we'll see.  I probably should have started going back to acupuncture earlier to help me heal better but I just don't feel like driving back to my old place (in my old town) since there are good IF acupuncturist nearby here.  I'm excited to go to the new place.  Both appointments are a week from Friday.  

I also got to chat with my OB.  I was surprised that she called me just to touch base and see how I was doing since our last meeting.  She said the spotting should ease up in a week or two which I'll be glad for.  This is getting really old.  And she is sending me a referral for a perinatologist and suggested that I get in touch with him/her well before I get pregnant again.  That works for me.  I want to as many smart people working on my case to prevent another loss.  My OB said that she'll work together with my RE and Peri and we'll get there.  I hope she is right.  Either way it is nice to start to put a game plan together.  I feel a little in control again.  

Tomorrow K and I take off for our would-be babymoon.  Le Sigh!  I was annoyed when I saw the note on the hotelsdotcom printout where K had requested a King Bed since  we were expecting a child.  Ughh.  

It will be so nice to go away though.  I got a couple of cute little summery dresses to wear that don't make me look at all like a pregnant lady.  So hopefully we'll have a nice vacation.  

Happy Memorial Day everyone.

What constitutes therapy?

So I've been thinking about seeing a therapist.  Just thinking.  I'm not really sure it is for me.  And I'm not really sure it will help me.  Do people go to therapy when their parents or spouses die?  Why does it seem to everyone that this is something I need to pursue to "get better"? Don't get me wrong, I am considering it.  But deep down I feel like I'm doing things that are helping me cope.  I walk and play with my dog.  He listens to my hopes and fears and doesn't ever judge.  I write on this blog.  Read and comment on other blogs; and comment on an incompetent cervix message board, and several loss boards.  I've been seeing friends (thanks Janessa), and talking to family.  Yes I have my occasional freak outs.  But for the most part I feel normal.  Sad and missing my baby but normal.  I go out everyday to run errands and only cry if assy co-irkers aggravate me.  And I'm even looking forward to going away this weekend on what was to be our 'babymoon'.  Aren't these good things?

The week before last, K and I went to a support group meeting.  I did not like it at all.  It didn't make me feel any better.  In fact it just made me really really sad to hear all the dead baby stories.  I think it helped K though.  He talked quite a bit during the session.  I think it is something that will be helpful to him since he doesn't have access to all the outlets I have (besides the dog).  So I will probably go to the one this Wednesday too if he wants to go.  

scared

For some reason last night was really hard for me.  Well to tell you the truth most of yesterday was hard for me.  I'm not sure why I felt so much worse.  But I did.  

I started the day out feeling pretty o.k.  Unpacked a little and took care of my disability paperwork etc.  Emailed my boss and felt connected to the world again.  So I decided to go to Target and pick up a few things.  While there a work friend called me up to invite me out to lunch or dinner with some of the other ladies who apparently miss me.  I told her I didn't think I was ready and then the conversation got weird for me.  I know she meant well blah blah blah but I all I heard was judgement and I felt very pressured.  "What do you do all day, you shouldn't be alone, you can try again, etc. etc."  I burst into tears in the freezer bags aisle.  It was awful.  I tried to explain that I wasn't ready and that I'd have to call her back and she said how she felt responsible for getting me out and back into the world and how the lab would blame her if I said no.  Ughhhh.  I hung up.   Tried to finish up my shopping and power through.  Went to lunch.  Did some more shopping.  But I just felt off.  When I got home I took down the little memory box and looked at Lydia's picture and wept.  I tried to keep decorating and crap but I couldn't.  I think I must have pushed myself to far.  Then when my cell phone rang I noticed it was another work person.  I didn't answer.  

By the time K got home I was really anxious and couldn't explain why.  I told him about the stupid phone call and how it upset me all day.  He tried to comfort me.  And since the season finale of Lost was on we both felt like I would cheer up.  Well I enjoyed the finale.  But I still felt uneasy.  And when we went to bed I got a little hysterical.  It finally came out that I was scared silly.  Scared that I'm just not meant to be a mother to a live child.  Scared that the endo or fibroids will come back.  Scared that my frosties won't survive the thaw process and we'll have to do another fresh IVF and scared that that won't work either.  Then I'll be 34 and I never wanted to be an older mom, and we had better start looking at adoption now because I'm never going to be able to do this again.  I'm scared that even if I get pregnant I'll have an earlier miscarriage an never make it to get the cerclage.  I'm scared the cerclage surgery will hurt me or the baby.  I'm scared that it will fail anyway.  And if I were to have another late loss how the hell would my sanity survive.

All this came spilling out of my mind and into K's ear.  Poor guy.  I'm going to drag him down into crazy town with me.  He told me that we just have to try and to try to rest.  I ended up just watching tv to calm me down enough to sleep.  I don't like this feeling.  

I missed my daily therapy

I've been offline for a while due to the move.  Didn't realize how much I depend on reading your blogs and going to my  favorite message boards. That is my daily therapy.  So glad to have the internet back.   But I least I had moving as a distraction.  I'm so glad I had this to concentrate on.  And I'm so glad that here in this new town I'm anonymous.  Nobody knows me.  Nobody knows I was pregnant.  So I don't have to explain and retell the tail.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not denying Lydia's existence or anything.  I just like that I don't have to cry and explain what happened to her again and again.  I wish there were some magic way to fast forward through this.  To be back at work, to be trying again.  I just hate this place I'm in right now.

Yesterday I saw my nephew over skype.  He is a beautiful baby and I just wish I could cuddle him.  I know I would be more emotional if I saw him in person but over the computer he just looks like a sweet little guy who needs a hug from auntie Bets.  Well maybe it also helps that he is a boy.  A girl would probably upset me more.  

I hadn't spoken to my SIL at all since Lydia's birth/death.  I think she was too scared to talk to me and I know I didn't want to talk to her.  Well she was so nice.  She practically begged me to just move back home so that they could take care of me.  She said she hated that they were so far away during my time of need and I should be with family and had it not been for their baby they would have been here in an instant.  We talked about me trying again soon and she said that it would be better for me to be there with them nearby so that if I go on bedrest then it will be more than just K to take care of me.  I think she is right.  Maybe we should think about this.  The reality is  that we've been wanted to move for sometime anyway.  It is just that life has gotten in the way time and time again.  So maybe.    Although moving again would be really annoying.  I just got everything unpacked.  I promise to post some photos later.  Something else to do.

Another baby

My brother's.  Born living this morning at 7:03 am EST.  I am grateful.  Grateful that my nephew is alive and well and that my brother and his wife can enjoy the happiness of their new son.  But I'm so sad.  I just feel sorry for myself.  And I hate myself for this (and I know it is normal....went through a lot of these feelings with IF) but I just don't think it is fair that they get to have this joy and I don't.  Now my brother....he is my best friend.  He was so understanding with my IF.  He was afraid to tell me they were pregnant.  He cried on the phone when he told me.  He didn't want to hurt me.  He always tries to protect me.  He cried and cried with me over Lydia's loss.  My grief is his grief.  He would have come out to be with me but his wife was at the end of her pregnancy so he couldn't leave.  He listened to me complain about mom and dad.  He agreed with me that they were being assy.  He is a good brother.  So I shouldn't feel so negative.  But I do.  It isn't fair.  They  NEVER HAVE SEX!!  They had a 6 month dry spell until my brother begged and his wife finally "gave in" one night.  And they got pregnant.  One time.  One.  They haven't had sex since.  She never got horny during pregnancy.  She doesn't like it I guess.  My point is they weren't even trying, never do it, and got pregnant, and now have a live beautiful son.  Me and K, we tried for years, I had 3 surgeries, I took clomid, I used OPKs, I took my temp every morning, I did acupuncture, I drank green tea, used pre.seed, did fertility yoga, we had sex all the time.  We did IVF!!!!  And I have nothing to show for it.  Just my tears and heartache.  I hate being so conflicted.  It hurts.  I love my brother more than anything.  His joy should be my joy.  But I'm so jealous and sad and mad.  

I have tell you that I took your advice and emailed my parents exactly what I put in my last post.  I think they get it now.  But I still haven't had the guts/heart whatever to actually talk to them.  They'll be busy with their new live grandchild now anyway.  So I can lay low for a bit.

Stages and boxes

I have no idea when you are supposed to feel the different stages of grief.  But I do know that today I'm mad.  I'm mad at God.  I'm mad at my doctors.  And I'm mad at my parents.  

I thought my parents would get this.  Sadly, they lost my 1 year old sister (born and died before me) due to a choking accident.  They know what it is like to lose a baby daughter.  Yes it is different.  They knew their baby.  They had her for a year.  But still they know loss.  And my stupid dad calls me everyday in his stupid happy singsong voice asking me how I'm doing.  How the f do you think I'm doing is what I wish I could say.  Instead I just choke out "the same".  He sends me retarded emails saying that I'll pick myself up from this just like when I was kid and fell off my bike and just picked myself up and got back on.  I'm sorry dad but it doesn't work like that.  I just can't get up.  I wish I could.  This is NOT THE SAME!!!  Conversations with my dad are down to about 20 seconds.  That is all I can take.  Then my mom gets on the phone.  She says she wants me not to fade into depression.  Excuse me mom.  I just lost my baby.  Just.  I am not depressed.  I am in grief.  I am in love with a baby who I'll never get to see again.  Why can't they just let me get over it in my way.  It has only been a frickin week.  I just don't get them.  And I'm pissed at them.  I've never ever raised my voice to my mother like I did during our last conversation.  And I don't care if it hurt her.  She hurt me when she said I just can't keep on crying all the time.  So I told her what you guys have been telling me.  I'm allowed to grieve.  I'm allowed time.  And I don't have time or energy to worry about her or dad's feelings.  The only person I can muster up the energy to care for besides me is K.  And the rest of my energy goes to Bailey.  Thats it.  Thats all I have.  

K went back to work today so I'm on my own.  I'm hoping that the packing will keep my mind busy.  One box done so far today.  

Parsley, Sage, and Peppermint

What about the Rosemary and Thyme?  Well I guess they aren't useful in drying up mothers milk.  But parsley, sage, and peppermint are supposed to do the trick.  After complaining to my friend P,(who had over-production of milk) about my giant, milk-filled breasts she suggested these herbs.  K went to our local herbalist pharmacy (yes we have those in our town)  to see if we could get a tea or oil version of these herbs.  But they didn't have them and suggested just boiling down fresh sage and parsley and then steeping in natural peppermint tea.  So now I'm drinking this awful concoction to slow the milk production.  I cried in the shower this morning when it started to leak out.  And it has come in on and off all day,  making a spot on my blouse.  This is so frustrating.  I ended up calling the lactation consultant to ask for help.  She promised that the milk should stop by tomorrow because now that I've been engorged for a few days without pumping or breastfeeding my body should realize that there is no baby and stop making milk.  So I'll wait until tomorrow.  In the meantime I'm to take ad.vil and continue the cold therapy. 

I did make it out of the house today.  Since we are moving we needed a permit to stop anyone from parking in front of our current house on moving day so the truck has a place.  So I went with K to do this since he has been doing EVERYTHING.  The not so nice admin person actually told me that I look like I need a nap and that I must be spending too much time packing.   I almost smacked her.  But she doesn't know.  Even still, who says that to someone?  Didn't her mother teach her that if she doesn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all?  After that K took me to a restaurant to try to get me to eat.  I had a little bit.  But the food was just not good.  At least he ate.  One of us has to stay strong.  I will eat something.  One of our friends sent an edible bouquet.  It is really a nice gesture.  Some of the fruit is covered in dark chocolate.  So I'll go for that first.  Nothing like chocolate to mend a broken heart right.  And then there is fruit in there so that is healthy.  O.K. I actually feel somewhat hungry and this 'tea' is grossing me out so I'm going to go attack the edible bouquet. 

Thoughts

I'm amazed by the thoughts that keep trickling in.  Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner?  Would it have made a difference?  Why did the triage nurse let me keep getting up to use the restroom?  I should have been lying down.  I was bleeding and cramping for God's sake.  Was she some sort of idiot?  Why did our baby have to die?  Why couldn't I keep her safe?  Why do I have to have an abnormal uterus and an incompetent cervix?  Will I be able to get pregnant again soon?  Will I be able to carry a baby to term?

My MIL who is usually very annoying has been most helpful.  She has been very encouraging and saying all the right things.  She has been advising me on what to do about the awful breastmilk situation, and how to try to sleep.  I'm so thankful for her kind words.

And I'm so thankful for all of your kind words.  I just can't believe how much love there is out there.  Every nice comment I read and share with my husband.  They make us feel just a little bit better.  They really do.  Friends and strangers alike keep asking what they can do to help.  And honestly the greatest help is just the outreach.  The comments, prayers, and well-wishes.  It all helps.    Knowing this now I'm so ashamed for how I once acted.  I never understood the pain of pregnancy loss.  I was always the one wondering how long it has to take someone to get over it.  Maybe that is why I have to suffer this now.  To teach me.  Maybe.  I don't know.  

More pain

Last night I woke up with the worst sore pain in my breasts.  They are as hard a rocks.  Heavy.  I'm pretty sure my milk has come in.  Milk for Lydia that she may never drink.  Milk that I might have to pump to then discard.  Why do I have to endure this horror.  Hasn't my body betrayed me enough.  Why torture me with her milk when you killed her??????

The info from the hospital says to put cold cabbage leaves in my bra.  WTF!  My husband as put aside some ice packs for me instead.  The paper says this may last a week.  I do not understand.  I do not want to.   

She is gone

My beautiful Lydia Rose is gone.  Today is the worst day of my existence.  Yesterday I went into pre-term labor, my cervix dialated and my membranes became exposed.  They inverted me and tried to different procedures to get the membranes back where they belonged.  It obviously didn't work.  They left me overnight with the hope that over a few hours everything would shift back up through the cervix.  Luckily most of it did and the doctor booked the OR right away.  I went under knowing that when I woke up I would either be still with child and with a cerclage, and then strict bedrest.  In stead I woke up empty.  They brought her to us later.  She was beautiful and perfect.  I have pictures but I think it would be odd and morbid to post a photo of my daughters corpse.  

We are in the midst of grieving now.  I don't know how to grieve her.  I feel like this is some sick joke.  Like she is still inside of me wiggling around.  Not sure what to do now.  Sleep maybe.

Look what I got

Aren't these cards beautiful?  It's the card that keeps on giving.  5 cards in one.  I don't know if I can ever part with it (them).  These were handmade by Alicia for Pay it Forward.  Thanks so much Alicia.  

Now when I first advertised pay it forward I got a few responses but the commenters did not leave their addresses at my gmail account.  And now that I got my gift  I really want to pay it forward.  So if anyone wants to participate just let me know.  I promise to knit you up something wicked awesome.  Come on...who doesn't want cool gifts from your blogger friends?

Isn't she lovely

Can you make out her pretty little nose and mouth?  Now that I know we are having a little girl I keep dreaming of all the sweet little girly things she'll do, cute outfits to dress her in, pretty ways to do her hair (please God let her have inherited K's hair because it is so much nicer than mine).  Our parents were thrilled.  My mom in particular because she guessed it was a girl while my dad guessed boy.  She kept taunting him that she was right and he was wrong.  Well besides that they were so happy to be having another granddaughter.  K's parents were just as excited.  She will be the first granddaughter and they are psyched to have one of each now.  And my MIL is already picking out pink dresses for her.  I hope she likes pink because I'm sure she'll get a lot of it.  If she is anything like me she'll hate pink and all things girly.  Well until she hits her teens.  Then daddy better hide the credit cards.  

Well here is my first official purchase for the baby  (I'm not counting the onesie and lullabye cd I bought last year on a whim).  Well it is really for me.  I'm a huge purse girl.  Some girls like shoes (see Alicia's blog).  I like bags.  So of course I had to get a cute diaper bag.  I didn't even have to splurge.  I got this one through the PPB company outlet store sale.  So it was a great deal.  Even K was pleased because he is used to me spending what he would call "too much" on bags.  So everyone is happy.