Thanks for all the comments

We talked about it in some detail and thought about all your comments and K and I decided not to do the amnio.  He is better at numbers than me. He calculated (in about 10 seconds in his head) that our stats still give us less than 1% chance of having a downs baby.  So we are going with our guts and faith that our little one is just fine.  And since there is no chance that I would terminate the pregnancy even if the amnio results said for sure the baby would have special needs we figured what is the point.  I don't want to risk a miscarriage just to know.  And as I said, K's family has already had a downs person and they know what it is like.  We could manage if needed.  The family would be there for help and advice.  But given the odds we feel like the chances are low.  Maybe not as low as everyone else in my age group, but low none the less.  

I'm in a much better place today.  Back to thinking of names and being happy about the flutters.  You guys are the best.  Thank you thank you.

I'm not good with numbers

They were never my friends.  You may find this odd given the fact that I'm a scientist with a Ph.D.  However, my degree is in natural science and the math I use daily is basic algebra.  I can handle that.  Anyway, an introduction to my difficulty in math is not the point of this post.  It is just how much numbers can screw with me.  Especially in light of my pregnancy.  

To this point things have not been easy.  Not counting the last few weeks when everything seemed to be going smoothly, this has not been easy.  Long time readers know what it took to get me to this point.  And then once I got pregnant the beta numbers were super low.  They divided properly but my doctor felt like we would lose the pregnancy and would not get behind it until the 6 week ultrasound when everything looked o.k. on the screen.  Then my progesterone levels were low.  Even on PIO shots, I had to start taking vaginal supplements as well because my numbers were low.  For the first 10 weeks I lived in fear that the next ultrasound would show no heartbeat.  That the spotting episodes were precursors to a miscarriage.  I didn't even admit it hear.  But I was terrified!

So for the last few weeks I've been happy.  Excited about the baby, thrilled with her/his little movements, longing to hold him/her in my arms.  But today the fear came back.

We decided to the quad screen because K's aunt had down's syndrome.  His grandma was older when she had Auntie Edna so we hoped that was the reason.  But just in case we decided to do the more thorough screen to give us peace of mind.  The nuchal test showed little to no chance of downs.  We were thrilled.  But this morning my OB called me and I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was wrong.  It seems once they added in the bloodwork my overall chance of having a down's baby is 1:200.  O.K. now that isn't bad if you think about the chance.  But it is bad considering that in my age group the normal range is 1:420.  That scares the hell out of me.  But even more scary is the fact that we have a 1:300 chance of having trisomy 18.  The norm for my age group is 1:1000.  What???????????  I was fine on the phone with the OB.  She said I should think about doing an amnio for peace of mind and to remember that the quad screen is a risk assessment and not a diagnosis.  But how can I do that.  Especially given that so far nothing about this has been easy.    But then I try to think of the numbers again.  Numbers wise (not comparing to my age group), the risk doesn't seem that great.  It wasn't like I was given a 1:50 chance for either disability.  Right?  Am I thinking about this right?  I told you I suck at math.  And then I think, well with my early beta numbers all the doctors in my RE practice thought that I would lose the pregnancy.  And I'm 17 weeks now.  So..... how can I trust these numbers.  Numbers don't like me.  And I don't like them.

K doesn't want to risk doing an amnio.  I'm not sure I want to either.  But do I really want to just worry until September.  Can I stand it?  What would you do?

I can feel her

or him.  OMG OMG OMG.  

I seriously don't want to go to work today.  I want to lay in bed so I can pay attention to the little water ballet going on inside of me.  I noticed it a few days ago but didn't think much of it.  It comes and goes.  Then yesterday at work I described the sensation I'm feeling to a friend who has a 1 year old and she was like "yep, thats the baby moving".  I was/am so thrilled.  

And early this morning (around 4) I woke up to pee and when I got back to bed and settled in I could feel it again.  I didn't want to fall back asleep.  I just wanted to be present in that exciting moment.  So now I'm anxious to feel it again.  Anxious to feel more distinguished movements.  

I LOVE PREGNANCY!!!  I LOVE OUR BABY!!!!

A wicked awesome date

So I think I forgot to mention the K and I had the most incredible date night last weekend.  We went to see W.I.C.K.E.D. in San Francisco.  It was so amazing.  We've been to a lot of shows but have always had sort of crappy seats.  So K splurged (the tickets were actually my birthday gift) and got us great seats where we could see everything.  Front row center of the balcony!  And oddly enough there were 4 empty seats just inside of our row.  At the end of act one I heard some folks behind us talking about ditching their seats and taking the empties next to us.  I was so annoyed.  For some reason I can't stand when people so stuff like that.  They didn't buy those seats.  They didn't deserve the spectacular view.  And who sneaks into seats at the theater.  Come on.  Well of course they did.  Once act 2 started, they waited of course for the show to begin and the lights to dim.  Then they came out of nowhere, disrupting everyone to get those seats.  I almost didn't let them but I didn't want to make a scene.  Where are the ushers when you need them?

Changing gears..........

I finally outed myself as an IVF patient.  Well I did tell one other close childhood friend over email before we did the cycle.  But this time I outed myself over the phone.  So much drama. My friend Kristen who I've known for about 20 years now called to congratulate me and I let it all out.  But truthfully I had an agenda.  Please don't judge!!!  O.K. hear is the scoop.  I have had my suspicions for years that Kristen had fertility issues.  She always said she wanted kids and got married at 21 because she wanted to be a young mother.  Well once we hit 30 and all the rest of our friends started having kids I started to wonder if she was screwed up like me.  But we never discussed it.  We always talked about meaningless crap.  Even more reason that I was suspicious.  Anyway, her brother and my brother are best friends and both of them thought the same thing too.  They came to the conclusions on their own and tried to get me to talk to her to find out why she had been very depressed as of late.  Of course I would never do that.  I would want her to have her space to deal with things on her own and come to me if she needed and decided on her own.  And of course the 3 of us could have been wrong.  She could have changed her mind about having children.  You never know.  So I never asked.  But once she called me I just let it all out.  Told her about my whole 2 year struggle and the surgeries and the treatments.  She was so understanding and sweet and I immediately wished that I had unloaded on her earlier.  But I still thought in the back of my mind that since I was sharing all of this stuff she might tell me what is going on with her.  Nothing!  I got nothing!  So maybe I am wrong.  I hope to God I am.  I wouldn't wish IF on my worst enemy let alone my dear friend.   Well whatever it is that is hurting her I hope she opens up to someone.  In the meantime I'm keeping my arms open for her in case that person is me.

I'm still here

I'm just the worst blogger these days.  I remember when I first started this blog and it was such a great outlet for venting and I had a lot to vent about so I posted a ton.  But now that I don't have a lot to vent about I'm just not as into it.  But that bothers me too.  I always kept journals and love looking back at them.  So I'm going to look at this blog as just that.  A journal of my life right now.  And now that I have my energy back I have no excuses.  So I'm going to be better about blogging.  

So here is a little update.  I'm 15 weeks.  And I for sure have more than a pooch.  I'm enjoying it.  But because it was time and because I really can't hide my belly for much more I told my boss and few people at work.  It is so nice to be "out".  But my boss who is not a kid person did not say congrats.  He said "well I hear that thats a good thing".  What an ass.  I was expecting something like that from him though so I wasn't offended.

I'm also going to be better about knitting.  I can't believe that I bought yarn for my first baby blanket (for my own baby) almost 7 weeks ago and have only done a few inches.  So pathetic.  So I'm going to get my butt in gear and go back to my old lady knitting group.  Yes old ladies.  I love them.  It is like I have 10 grandmas who are all awesome knitters.  I haven't told them about the baby yet and I'm sure they'll all be over the moon.  So I'll be posting pictures of my progress here.  Here is the 1st and most pathetic one.

I'm also going back to working out.  I'm signing up for pre-natal yoga this week and I can't wait to start.  The only exercise I've been getting since before IVF is walking Bailey.  And that really shouldn't count as exercise.  

Really Fun Sonogram

So yesterday I had my NT scan and K came along with me.  He hadn't seen the baby on-screen since the 1st ultrasound at 6 weeks when all we could see was a sac and fetal pole.  This time he got to see the baby wiggling all over the place, tossing and turning, putting its little hands on its head.  And he got to hear the heartbeat for the first time.  A strong 150bpm.  He couldn't believe how awesome it sounded.  We could clearly see the spine, legs, little mouth, and little arms.  We were both pretty elated.  It was kind of easy to forget why we were there.  I'm young (if you can call 33 young-blah) so the chances of a problem are low, but K's aunt on his dad's side had downs syndrome.  His grandma was older when she gave birth to Aunt Edna so that could have been the reason but you never know.  We would rather be prepared if there were to be a problem.  

The only part I didn't like was the picture.  All my other ultrasound images were so clear.  She printed out jpegs on regular paper so the images are really blurry.  And I'm doing the integrated screen so I have some additional bloodwork to do in a few weeks, and then another ultrasound at 20 weeks.  I think that is the one where we can find out the sex so we are trying to decide if that is something we really want to do.  

moving forward

So today I did something I haven't been able to do in a very long time.  I went to a 2 year olds birthday party.  O.K.  so anyone who has been following this blog knows that I got to be kind of emotional in the last year.  All (and I mean every last one) of my friends has had a baby in this time and I felt so left out and so bitter that I wasn't pregnant or had my own baby.  So I could only see my friends 1 or 2 at a time.  I just couldn't handle being around all the mommies and babies and everyone asking when we were going to try to have one.  My husband became very good at telling our friends "reasons" why I couldn't make it to the occasion.  So today I felt really good.  Really proud of myself for finally attending.  But I know it isn't like I've made some emotional break-through.  It is just that I finally feel like I fit in.  We haven't told them all yet.  But just knowing that we have a child growing inside me makes me feel normal again.  And I also know that if I had been at that party just a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to handle it.  

The other thing we did today was look at houses.  Not to buy.  If all goes as planned I'll have a job offer at some University or College closer to family in the next year so we'll be moving out of state at some point.  Therefore we are looking at rentals.  We would stay in our current house.  We love the neighborhood, our neighbors, and the close proximity to work.  But we hate the noise factor, we hate that Bailey doesn't have a yard to play around in, and we hate the size.  Our place is just too small to add a baby and all the things we want for our baby.  So we checked out a few houses that we sort of liked.  They are a lot farther away from work.  But it will be worth it for the space.  The one we saw today had a large fenced-in yard with an orange tree, a lemon tree, and a magnolia.  I loved it.  But I wasn't so much in love with the house.  It didn't come with a fridge (although we wouldn't be opposed to buying a nice new one which we would just take with us to wherever we move eventually.  And it only had washer dryer hook-ups.  So we'd have to buy those too.  Again we wouldn't mind buying those items either.  Actually I've been lusting over those electrolux beauties that have Kelly Ripa in the commercial.  So I guess that could be o.k.  But we have to think about it and figure out how many more places we want to look at.  So far we've seen 4 houses and we like them all equally.  Hopefully this wont be that long a process.  We'll probably make some decisions over dinner tonight.