Sunday, April 26, 2009

She is gone

My beautiful Lydia Rose is gone.  Today is the worst day of my existence.  Yesterday I went into pre-term labor, my cervix dialated and my membranes became exposed.  They inverted me and tried to different procedures to get the membranes back where they belonged.  It obviously didn't work.  They left me overnight with the hope that over a few hours everything would shift back up through the cervix.  Luckily most of it did and the doctor booked the OR right away.  I went under knowing that when I woke up I would either be still with child and with a cerclage, and then strict bedrest.  In stead I woke up empty.  They brought her to us later.  She was beautiful and perfect.  I have pictures but I think it would be odd and morbid to post a photo of my daughters corpse.  

We are in the midst of grieving now.  I don't know how to grieve her.  I feel like this is some sick joke.  Like she is still inside of me wiggling around.  Not sure what to do now.  Sleep maybe.

174 comments:

~M~ said...

I am so, so sorry. There are no words that anyone can say to take away this pain. My thoughts are with you & your husband. I'm just so sorry.

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

m said...

I'm a lurker that has just been hanging around and checking in - to see this today and I'm in shock.
My thoughts are with you, I'm so very sorry that you know this pain.

x

Anonymous said...

I'm so so so sorry for your loss. There are no words that I can say that can ease your heartbreak.

janessa said...

I have no words. I'm so, so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.

Andrea said...

I am just in shock right now, Echloe. I don't have the right words to convey how very sorry I am. I can't imagine what you are going through. It's just so unfair. I am praying for you and Lydia Rose. I knowing Jesus is taking care of her. I'm so very, very sorry. A million hugs and prayers to you.

'Murgdan' said...

Oh NO! I am so sorry. There are no words. I'm thinking of you and your loss...

Ariella said...

OMG sweet heart I am sooo sooo sorry. I wish I had the right words, I wish I could wake you up from this nightmare.

strongblonde said...

i am so sorry to hear this! thinking lots about you and your husband and loss.

We have Angel Wings said...

No... This is not fair. I am so very sorry honey - I have no words right now.

Please know that I'm thinking of you and I know it's not much - but sending you tons of cyber hugs.

I'm so sorry.

Jen said...

I am so so so sorry for your loss. I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom and comfort for you. Know you are not alone. May God come swiftly to your aid and give your heart rest.

O said...

I am so sorry. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Rebekah said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is. Take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.

Nico's Proud Parents said...

Echole,
I am SO sorry for yous loss. I can't even imagine what you and DH are going through. I will keep you all in my prayers. God bless you and your family with peace.
Courtney (Courted-the bump)

Anonymous said...

I am deeply sorry.

Christi said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, you are in my thoughts and prayers

sadie607 said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.

Rose's Daughter said...

NO! I am sooo sooo sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you and DH are going thorugh. You three will continue to be in my prayers.

E_Sharp said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish you strength.

Kristi said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Aramelle said...

There are no words to express how terribly sorry I am for your loss. Please know that you are in my prayers.
*HUGS*

hopefaithlove said...

So sorry for you loss, praying for you and your family.

Emily said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet angel baby. You & your family will be in our thoughts & prayers. With sympathy & love...

mekate said...

I wish on you whatever miraculous strength it will take for you and your honey to make it through this- I cannot imagine what you are going through. Sending love and prayers for peace.

Maria said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I know you don't know me but you are in my thoughts and prayers

Anonymous said...

I have been a lurker for awhile now, I am sorry it is such sad news that makes me leave a comment. I am so saddened and in shock to read this. I can't image what you are feeling I hope you and your husband can support each other through this tragedy. My thoughts are with you.
Patricia

Jen & Jeff said...

omg. Honey.. there just are no words. I am so so sorry for you tragic loss. You're in my thoughts.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I am so devastated for you. Please know that everyone grieves in different ways. I am glad you have those precious pictures of your little girl. I know it was a big step for me to post my son's pictures, but it hurts to not be able to share them with the world. If you are ever up for it, I would love to see your beautiful daughter. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Please feel free to join babycenter and find the 2nd/3rd trimester loss support board. My thoughts are with you and your family. This is so unfair.

Holly - from SAIF

Kristen said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

shocks said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going thru. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

kim said...

OMG. I am so sorry. I wish I knew what else to say. This is just so tragic and I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Busted said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so, so sorry. I saw on the Bump that there was an update here and was hoping for better news. My heart just breaks for you and the pain you are going through right now. Your sweet Lydia Rose will always be remembered and I'm so sorry you didn't get the chance to spend more time with her. I'd like to think that perhaps she is in the same place that our Doodles are, wherever that may be. All my love.

Mandie said...

:-( I'm so sorry honey.

Michelle and Gary said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I cant imagine the pain you are in. You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Tristan said...

I am so sorry for your loss.
Words can not describe the heartbreak I am feeling for you.

Praying for you.

Christa said...

I'm so very very sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.

Kymberli said...

"I'm sorry" barely begins to touch it, but I am. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

militarywifealways said...

(((Hugs))) to Lydia, you and K. You know if you need anything where to reach me.

I wish this didn't have to happen

Addykins said...

Oh sweetie, I am so unbelievably sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

emilythehopeless said...

{hugs} i am so sorry..

squarepeg said...

I am so stunned and saddened for you - please know that you and Lydia will be in my thoughts. No one should have to suffer this pain - I am so terribly sorry.

JDG2007 said...

Words could never express the loss...hold each other tight, you will get thru this.

May your angel rest in peace.

shawnandlarissa said...

I am so very, very sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Erin said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dh at this difficult time.

Leah said...

Holy Crap. Unreal. I am so sorry. I ache for you, I really do. There are no words.

JackiJaguar said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss, echloe. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Stefanie K. said...

I'm so so so sorry for your loss.

janineb said...

I am so very sorry for you Echloe. I know nothing we can say can help, but my thoughts are with you and your husband

Soña said...

I am so very sorry for your loss Echloe. I just am so so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your husband and your sweet daughter.

-GypsyEsq

Jaime said...

i am so so sorry for your loss :( may the Lord bring your peace, comfort, and strength during this very difficult time. *hugs*

Mo and Will said...

Oh Echloe,

I was so shocked to read this. I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I imagine you and your husband must be completely stunned and overcome with grief. This is just so so wrong. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

Mo

Marcu said...

Betsy,

My heart is breaking for you and your husband. I'm at a loss of what to say at this very hard time. Ben and I are so sorry and wish there was something we could do to make you feel better. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Marcu

Mary said...

I'm so sorry. We will be praying for you guys.

-Meepit

NewsPhotoGirl said...

Words cannot express how truly sorry I am for your loss.

NewsPhotoGirl said...

Words cannot express how truly sorry I am for your loss.

kate said...

I wish I could give you magic words that would help heal the pain, anger, disappointment, despair, heartache and all the other things going through you right now. All I can say though is that I am truly sorry for your loss and am shedding huge tears for you and your husband right now. I will be keeping you all in my thoughs and prayers.

Linda said...

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am for your loss. It is so not fair. My thoughts and prayers are with you, I wish I could do more.

G & H said...

My heart is so broken for you right now...there is nothing to say nothing anyone can say....Praying for you....

JenM said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful little girl. You will be in my prayers.

meinsideout said...

I am so sorry...my heart goes out to you and your husband. I am just so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through, but just know that all of us SAIF'ers are here for you.

Jennifer

just me said...

words can't begin to express, I am so sorry.

Celine said...

I am so sorry to hear this sad news. We lost our twins 3 weeks ago due to IC/post cerclage at 16.5 weeks so I understand some of your pain.

Please let me know if you ever want to talk. I can be reached at the following email address:

monizcel@gmail.com

David said...

I am a lurker on the TTTC and SAIF boards, so you don't "know" me, but I wanted to express my sincere condolences to you and your husband on your loss. Words escape me and I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain right now.
I hope you are supported by loving family and friends as you grieve.
May God be with you.

Michelle said...

OMG OMG OMG! I am just so so so sorry! There is just nothing that seems appropriate to say right now. My heart is broken for you. I wish peace and I am sending you lots of hugs!

t.bird said...

oh my God- i'm so sorry. you're in my prayers.

Brooke said...

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your beautiful Lydia Rose. My heart is breaking for you. This is beyond unfair. You and your husband are in my thoughts. (Million$$Baby)

Jennifer said...

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this loss. *hugs*

Candace said...

I am soooo sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you.

Laura said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you.

Erin said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

jessica said...

i am so sorry for your loss. we are here for you.
take care, jessica (matsifloxacin)

Lindsay said...

I'm so sorry for the pain and loss you are going through. I can't even imagine. I'll be praying for you and your family. Please take care. (runblondie26)

Lelly said...

I am so sorry! My prayers are with you and your DH.

pmarie33 said...

I am so sorry this happened to you. You and your family are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself. xoxoxoxo

pamelanmatt said...

I am so very sorry. Sending you (((HUGS))) and prayers for your family. I wish there was something more I could say to make things even an ounce better, but there are just no words. My heart is breaking for you.

Melissia said...

I am so sorry. You and your husband and your sweet baby girl and in my thoughts today and and in the days to come.

Brandi said...

I can not imagine the pain that you are going through right now - my heart is breaking for you. You, your husband and your beautiful baby girl are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know we are all here for you ((hugs)).
(b3bell)

Sue said...

I have no words to ease your pain but you are in my thoughts. I am just so sorry. May god heal your wounds soon.

Meant to be a mom said...

My prayers are with you and your family. This is a terrible thing to have to go through and I am so heartbroken for you. No words can express my sympathy to the full extent. May god be with you always!

Ava said...

I am terribly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you guys and I wish you peace.

wereyoulookingforme said...

I am so sorry for the loss of Lydia Rose. You are in my thoughts today and I hope you can find some peace and solace.

Jordan said...

Nothing I can say will make this any easier. I am so very sorry. You will be in my prayers.

Reesha said...

You do not know me, but I wanted to say that I am very sorry for your loss and I wanted to direct you to a great blog to help you in your journey. It is http://www.stringofpearlsonline.com/

I hope it helps!

KK @ Running Through Life said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

kfishie from Norcal boards

Kristin said...

I am so so sorry for you. You are in my prayers.

Pufferfish said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

k-mart said...

Oh dear. I am so very sorry for your loss. You, your husband and sweet Lydia Rose are in my prayers.

Lauren said...

I am so very sorry.

Peachy said...

I am so sorry for your loss Echole. I wish there was something I could say but I know there is not. You, your husband, and Lydia Rose are in my thoughts.

Cassandra said...

Here from LFCA...

I am so terribly sorry.

G$ said...

My heart breaks for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

Beautiful Mess said...

I am so very sorry. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
*HUGS*

Andrea said...

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your DH.

mrsfinn said...

My heart is breaking for your loss. No words can ever ease the pain of what you are going through, but know that you are in my thoughts. Take care.

shotzie said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Huge *hugs* to you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. You'll be in my prayers. XO

Anonymous said...

This is absolutly horrible, terrible, shitty, awful. I'm so very sorry. My heart aches for you.

Meghan said...

My heart breaks for you and your family. You all will be in my prayers

hopeful #1 said...

I'm here from Busted's blog.

This breaks my heart! I'm so very sorry for you loss! So, so very sorry!

Callie said...

Over from the LFCA to say that I am so incredibly sorry. Heartbreaking. You are in my thoughts.

Kristin said...

My heart is just breaking for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Martha said...

Here from Busted's blog, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.

Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry. I can tell from your u/s photo that your daughter was beautiful and perfect. My heart breaks for you.

(Here from Busted's)

Mya said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. You and your husband will be in my thoughts.

The Quarke Family said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Annie said...

I am so so sorry :( There are just no words :(

Katy said...

I'm so very, very sorry for your devastating loss.

Natalie said...

I am here through Busted..... I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my little baby boy last year, also an IVF baby, to stillbirth. It was, by far the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. It will be a hard, hard road, and I know you will hurt so very much... I hope you are able to find your way through it somehow.

There are many of us out here who are aching for you right now, who are remembering Lydia Rose.

(And also, if you ever want to share pictures, please don't feel ashamed or scared. They are pictures of your daughter, and they are beautiful because of it. SHE is beautiful.)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry (((hugs)))

Brandy Clark said...

I am so sorry. My heart is aching for you!

loribeth said...

Also here from Busted's blog... and so very sorry to read your story. :( Please know that you are not alone in this, and we are all thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I'm here from LFCA. I'm so sorry. We have so much in common -- IVF, second trimester loss. My heart aches for you. It's not fair. I'm so very sorry.

With love,

Kathy

KLTTX said...

I am very sorry for your loss.

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm so sorry that you lost your beautiful daughter.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. No mother should ever have to experience this horrible sorrow.

meandbaby said...

Here from LFCA. So very sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry for your loss. You and DH are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm here from busted's blog. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. I am so sorry.
Jo

k@lakly said...

Here from L&F. Mom to a stillborn son 9/1/07. My heart breaks for you and you family. I am so sorry about your daughter. It is a long hard journey, living after this loss, but you will not be alone. We are all here.

noswimmers said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your great loss. Do whatever you need to do to heal. Take one breath, one moment, at a time.
Huge ((HUGS)) to you.

Tiffany said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Very very sorry.

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers go to you and your family..

Barbara said...

Over here from Busted's blog.

I am so so sorry.

xxx

Mr. Shelby said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Mr. Shelby

babyinterrupted said...

Here from LFCA - I am so, so sorry. Peace to you, somehow.

Dora said...

Oh, DAMN! I'm so sorry. This is just so awful. Thinking of you a lot.

lostintranslation said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and Lydia Rose are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I am so very very sorry. Really, there are just no good words, so I offer you much love, and many hugs.

Lydia Rose is a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl.

This poem was shared with us when our little Rose Lynn was taken away too soon.....

.....
The Rose Beyond the Wall

A rose once grew where all could see,
Sheltered beside a garden wall.
And, as the days passed swiftly by,
It spread its branches,
straight and tall...

One day, a beam of light shone through,
A crevice that had opened wide~
The rose bent gently toward it's warmth,
Then passed beyond to the other side...
Now, you who deeply feel its loss,
Be comforted ~the rose blooms there~
Its beauty even greater now,
Nurtured by God's own loving care.

Cara said...

Yes - sleep, and cry - that is the only way of it. I'm so very sorry that you are forced to endure this pain. Sweet Lydia is yours, always, just as this is your space. If you feel led to post her pictures - we will embrace them with love.

Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Jenny said...

It's mragarza from the Nest. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

rls07 said...

I found my way over from Busted Babymaker's Blog. I just wanted to say that I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I know that won't bring your sweet girl back to you but that's all I can say. God isn't fair. (((Hugs)))

Jen said...

I just want you to know that I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

Nic said...

I am so sorry, my thoughts are with you

Laura said...

I have been lurking for awhile now (fellow IVFer) and I am shocked and so, so, SO sad to hear this news from you. My heart is breaking for you. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

B MoM said...

oh echloe. i had to do a double and triple take to make sure i was reading the right post from the right blog when I read your news. Words cannot express the sadness i feel. Please know that I will be here and will support you through this rough time.

benedicteggs said...

Over here from LCFA.

My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry.

Kristin said...

I am so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Our Story said...

I wish I had words that could give you a small measure of comfort , but I am not sure that they exist.

Please just know that you and your family are in my prayers.

I am just so incredibly sorry and just so sad for you.

(smilee)

Trish said...

I am incredibly sorry for your loss.

Hannah said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers...i hope you feel all the prayers that everyone is sending your way.

Christine, Jason and Baby said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine what you are going through. May God Bless you and your family.

Tash said...

Here from Busted's blog -- I am so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Please know that you're not alone. Holding you and your family in my heart.

Anonymous said...

You and your family are in my thoughts.

jaime said...

I am very sorry for your loss. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. *HUGS*

mandie lane said...

I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry.

Phoebe said...

I'm really sorry for your loss. Words can not describe your sorrow.

JamieD said...

I am so sorry. I am holding you and your family in my thoughts.

Jennifer said...

You are in my prayers. It was almost a year ago that I lost my baby girl because of the same circumstances as you. It will be rough, but each day you will get better. I can't say that you will be 100% as time goes on, for I am still not over losing my baby girl. It hurts, but know that you are in everyones prayers.

SMK said...

I am so so sorry that you are going through this right now. My heart breaks for you and your husband. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you. Grieve your dauughter in any way that you need. Take care of yourself and lean on anyone that you need.

Kim said...

I am so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Queenie. . . said...

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. You are in my thoughts.

stillthinkingagain said...

I just found your blog a few days ago... and then checked it again today. There are no words. I am so, so incredibly sorry... my heart hurts for you and K.
Many, many thoughts coming to you,
Sarah

Anonymous said...

Echloe, I'm a lurker that is a good friend of Bencu. I've been reading your blog as well, and I just wanted to say that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I'm in tears. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Shelby said...

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Alison said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss of Lydia Rose. May God heal you and your family during this time.

-here from LFCA

Jules said...

My deepest sympathy in the loss of your precious Lydia. May God lay His healing hand upon your heart.

Jen said...

No words, but I'm so sorry. May God hold you in His arms, and comfort your heart with the balm of His presence.

Meg said...

I am so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

My heart is breaking for you. I hope you will be able to find some peace during this difficult time. I am so sorry.

sharon said...

I don't have the words... I'll send you the kind thoughts.

sharon said...

I don't have the words... I'll send you the kind thoughts.

Stephanie Jean-Louis said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Comin' Around Again said...

We lost twins due to an incompetent cervix in November 2007. There is nothing more devastating. One day everything is perfect, the next, everything is gone.

I also want you to know that preventative cerclages do work. When you are ready.

Melissa said...

i am so incredibly sorry. :( This is so unfair. there are no words

Tamara said...

I am so sorry :( Thinking of you xoxoxo

ladeebri said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know that probably doesnt help, but I hope you know that there are a lot of people out there that are pained by your loss. Thinking of you.

Kristen said...

I am so incredibly sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

alicia said...

oh my god sweetie i am soooo sorry. i am praying fir you right now.

love and hugs

jaded said...

i have been there twice and i know how you feel - i am so so sorry.

Mary said...

I am truly sorry to hear this. Know that you and your sweet little girl are in my prayers.

Inanna said...

Just another baby-loss mama here, lending my voice to the chorus - we are all wailing at the wall. This grief is so unbearable without support. Lean on the people around you as much as you can. We will cry with you. And please do share Lydia's picture if you feel called to... I'm sure she was just as beautiful as the name you chose for her.

The McAuleys said...

Oh, so very sorry. The exact same thing happened to me at 21 weeks with my twins--I was on Trendelenburg for 10 days trying to get the membranes back in and the cervix closed, and they were born and died at 23 weeks. I thought it might help you to know someone who elected to try the bedrest but not the cerclage, for you to know our outcome was no better. I know how awful the "what ifs" can be. IC is such a terrible, unexpected sort of loss, particularly after infertility, as ours was, too. My heart is with you. I wish there was some way to make it easier. I'm so glad you got to see her.