Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Thoughts

I'm amazed by the thoughts that keep trickling in.  Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner?  Would it have made a difference?  Why did the triage nurse let me keep getting up to use the restroom?  I should have been lying down.  I was bleeding and cramping for God's sake.  Was she some sort of idiot?  Why did our baby have to die?  Why couldn't I keep her safe?  Why do I have to have an abnormal uterus and an incompetent cervix?  Will I be able to get pregnant again soon?  Will I be able to carry a baby to term?

My MIL who is usually very annoying has been most helpful.  She has been very encouraging and saying all the right things.  She has been advising me on what to do about the awful breastmilk situation, and how to try to sleep.  I'm so thankful for her kind words.

And I'm so thankful for all of your kind words.  I just can't believe how much love there is out there.  Every nice comment I read and share with my husband.  They make us feel just a little bit better.  They really do.  Friends and strangers alike keep asking what they can do to help.  And honestly the greatest help is just the outreach.  The comments, prayers, and well-wishes.  It all helps.    Knowing this now I'm so ashamed for how I once acted.  I never understood the pain of pregnancy loss.  I was always the one wondering how long it has to take someone to get over it.  Maybe that is why I have to suffer this now.  To teach me.  Maybe.  I don't know.  

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry this had to happen to you. I know how strong a love for a baby is as soon as you get pregnant.

My cousin lost her first baby at 20 due to an incompetent cervix, such a awful way to find out. She is now pregnant with number 4 and has had surgery at 12 weeks to close her cervix with all her pregnancies which has allowed her to carry to term. I hpe when the time is right you are able to have a sweet little baby to love.
Patricia

elaine said...

Please don't blame yourself! No one should have to know that pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

meinsideout said...

I do not know you but my sad feelings that you are going through this are genuine.

Andrea said...

Sweetie, my heart just hurts for you both. Please don't think that you did anything to deserve this becasue you didn't. You are such a sweetheart and there is no way you did anything to deserve this (plus I don't believe God works that way.) I am keeping you, DH, and Lydia in my prayers.

kate said...

I know it's impossible to keep those thoughts from coming. I know that when you get one to stop, another one pops right up in its place. I know that deep down, you know that you did everything you could. Trust yourself. You loved and cared for your baby the best you could.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but the pain will lessen. You will never forget your sweet Lydia, but the hurt and anger will fade.
You are all still in my thoughts.

hil said...

I am so sorry.
I am going through just a m/c, and have looked for the reasons...I'm older, I didn't really want a girl (cytogenetics showed a girl). When my husband said he now felt he really wanted another child, I thought: Oh, that's why I had a m/c. But as I enter my 4th week of bleeding, I'm not so sure. Why??? I don't know...I jusy know that what doesn'y kill us makes us stronger, right? I'll be stronger. I'll be more accepting? I don't know, but I'm so soory for your loss.

Anonymous said...

After years of infertility, I too lost a baby (at 16 weeks) due to incompetent cervix. I went through the "what ifs" and the guilt of not being able to keep my baby safe. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to eat. I didn't even care if I lived or died. But I finally got my miracle (with the help of cerclage) and she took all that pain away. You will get your miracle too. These are probably the darkest days you will ever experience in your life. But it will make you stronger, and you will be happy again.

Rose's Daughter said...

((BIG HUGS))

militarywifealways said...

Oh B please as someone else posted do not blame yourself. I did the same thing with our last loss and to be honest I still do sometime but know you did everything you were suppose to. I will not lie to you although I too have had losses I don't know exactly what to say to console your pain. Allen and I are here for you guys if you need anything

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know exactly how you feel. I lost a baby girl 5 months ago at 22 weeks. I also had my milk come in, and am now still dealing with carrying the weight that I gained through those first 22 weeks of pregnancy. It helped me immensely to know that others had been through what I was experiencing, and that they understood how I felt. The pain does lessen as time goes on. I try to stay positive and believe that although I may never know the reason, there was a reason that we weren't meant to have that baby. Perhaps there is another baby that we need and that needs us even more. A lot of people don't know what to say, and some people say some really stupid things, but know that you have a whole world of support.

Ariella said...

PLEASE don't blame yourself. This is not your fault and you didn't in any way cause it to happen.

I hope that oneday, maybe even one day soon you will get to carry a healthy baby to term. ((((BIG HUGS))))

B MoM said...

what if...that's a questions very often asked. It drove me crazy...and eventually (like eons later) I learned to just leave it be...because it happened and we cannot change it. As for the why...not sure if you're religious, but I felt that God answered my question of WHY about 3 months later. (I posted about a "Revelation" back in December.) I hope you get your WHY answered. Just know that it was NOT meant to punish you. God does NOT do that.

Marcu said...

I'm sure you are full of questions and a lot of what ifs. Like others have said, this is NOT your fault. I'm still so sad for you and your DH. I'm glad you have so many people who care about you guys and who are offering you support. My husband and I think of you daily and want nothing but the best for you and your family.

Michelle said...

I know it is easier said then done but try not to blame yourself. I am praying for you and sending you lots of hugs. I hope you find peace soon!

Jordan said...

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, and I was absolutely devestated. I can't even fathom how much harder it must be to have been so far along. For me, the worst thing was not knowing why it happened. If I could figure it out, I could do something differently next time...but I probably will never know. You did not cause this. You are in my prayers everyday.

Kristin said...

This is not a lesson that needed to be taught and you certainly shouldn't blame yourself for any of this. It's a mystery why any of this has to happen to anyone, and I'm just so so sorry that it had to happen to you. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am praying that you will find or be granted some peace. I don't know your special pain as my losses are not so advanced. I won't tell you that it's unfair and that this isn't punishment or a lesson or anything like that. I learned a lot of patience and compassion after my losses. I blamed myself and I hated and loathed myself and my body.

And eventually I came out on the other side. There is still a hole in my heart and there is still fear, but I can appreciate beauty again.

I am thinking of you during this awful time and praying that you find whatever comfort you can, and a peace beyond understanding or explanation.

Busted said...

I hope you can escape these questions soon. I think it's just an inevitable part of the grieving process though, to ask the questions that we can't answer. Nothing you did or thought or felt caused this, please don't think that way. The world is just painful and unfair sometimes and it sucks that some people have to learn that more than others. Thinking of you and little Lydia.

Beth said...

((HUGS)) I continue to think about you and your husband on a daily basis. I'm so glad your MIL is able to help. ((HUGS))

Dora said...

I can't imagine the pain you're feeling, but I agree with everyone else, PLEASE try not to blame yourself. Lydia Rose was so loved and wanted. You did everything you could/ My heart is breaking for you.

Andrea said...

There is no reason you have to suffer, none at all. It is just so incredibly unfair, and no one should have to suffer. ((HUGS))

Slytherpuff said...

I found you via Busted's blog and I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet Lydia. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. (Easier said than done, I know.) You couldn't have known what it was like for others who have lost children, so please don't think that's why it happened. I used to think "oh, gee, that's sad" until it happened to me.

Allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need to. It's unfair and it's hard and it's unfair and it sucks and it's really, really, really unfair.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. :(

Anonymous said...

Take care. Dark days will pass and sunny days will come soon. Keep faith. God Bless You.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry this happened to you & DH. Something that really truly works, though is very very strange is to wrap big green outer cabbage leaves around your breasts under a sports bra & change them every time they get wilted (every 2 or 3 hours) for 48 hours straight - that will halt the milk production immediately.