Saturday, August 29, 2009

8dp6dt

I went to my therapist on Wednesday. She thought it would be a good idea for me to stop trying to protect myself by not feeling hope for Nugget. She thinks having a poor mental attitude could be bad if s/he indeed is trying to grow in there. She told me about this study where there were 2 groups of cancer patients. One group was prayed for. At the end of the study, the group that was prayed for had better survival than the other group. The researchers attributed the success of the prayer group to positive thinking and good vibes. So my therapist asked me to try to commune with Nugget and let him or her know that I want him and will provide a safe passage if s/he decides to stay with us. And ever since then I've noticed all of these potential pregnancy symptoms. I don't really trust early pregnancy symptoms but it gives me a little hope. And talking to Nugget and acting like there is a chance gives me hope.

But here is the thing. Now I'm annoyed that I'm feeling a little hopeful about this baby. Because what happens when I get a BFN tomorrow. This is going to suck. Lydia's due date is on September 3rd. Why did I do this to myself? If the beta is negative and then I have to deal with her due date too this week is going to be just awful for me.

I haven't cried for weeks. That is a big deal for me. And I sobbed this morning thinking about poor Lydia. Poor me. Poor K. Poor Nugget. I was so obsessed with getting pregnant again before Lydia's due date and now I'm not sure why that felt like such a big deal. If I am pregnant it isn't going to take away the pain of losing her. And now if I'm not pregnant I'm going to have double pain. So just in case I get bad news tomorrow I've devised a little plan. I made sure that next week is going to be a really busy one at work. I've scheduled a meeting with my boss on Tuesday, and I have a ton of experiments to finish. So I'm going to throw myself into it. Concentrate on work. I won't have time to cry. I won't have time to feel. I'm just not sure I can handle it all.

10 comments:

meinsideout said...

((HUGS)) thank you so much for sharing your feelings - you are so brave. I hope we read about good news tomorrow.

Michelle said...

Hugs to you! I am keeping you and Nugget in my prayers.

Hoping for a BFP tomorrow!

theworms said...

Praying for a great beta. Will be waiting on pins and needles for your post.

I can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions you're dealing with but I'm sending you (((HUGS))).

We're all pulling for you.

Sweet Georgia said...

I'm keeping you and nugget in my thoughts and hoping for a BFP tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

Hoping you get your BFP tomorrow...... I had a successful FET after Male factor IF and I was going crazy until my beta wondering if it was going to work or not so I can totally relate to the "up and down" feelings.

I am totally envious you have the willpower to hold off POAS, I started testing at 5dp6dt and it made me so upset until I finally got a faint second line...sometimes waiting for the beta seems like a better idea!!

I am saying extra prayers for a great beta for you tomorrow!

Kelley

Stephanie said...

I'm praying for great things tomorrow! ((hugs))

iamstacey said...

I'm sending even more good vibes to you and Nugget!

callmemama said...

I'll be praying you get a BFP today!

Clio said...

Echloe my dear! how awful that you have all of these raw emotions going at once. yes you are right, the pain of remembering and grieving for Lydia is not gone and won't really ever be, even if you do get a beautiful BFP tomorrow. It will make it easier to have another pregnancy to be hopeful about, but the hole of the loss is still there and still recent. But you chose to try again now, so this little possibility of life in you deserves your very best. I'm glad that you were being more positive about Nugget. Immersing yourself in work can help distract you from your feelings but whatever news you get tomorrow, it will have to be lived and experienced at some point. Repressed sorrow and pain can end up creating disease in the body, so it's easier to just get it out. I suggest that you do a small ritual for Lydia on Thursday. it will be good for you. And, of course, I"m crossing my fingers that you do get a positive beta tomorrow!!!

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