Let the games begin

So here I am. Cycling again. This is bittersweet. I've been waiting for months to cycle again. When Lydia died all I wanted was to be pregnant again. The void of my empty uterus was simply unbearable. And although slightly better now, I still am all consumed with having another baby while at the same time longing for the one I lost.

My period started on Friday so on Saturday I got to start taking estrace 3x a day. This is a crazy ton of estrogen. And I've already noticed a huge difference in my body. My periods are usually 5-6 days long. Well this one was a whopping 3 days. Like when I was a teenager. And I'm not going to complain for a minute. No pain this time. I didn't even notice the endo. No freak trips to the ER like last month. And no need for my stash of vicodin. I'm thrilled. Hopefully this is what is supposed to happen. But I'm guessing it is fine since so much estrogen mimics your cycle building a follicle and thus building a lining. So it makes sense my bleeding stopped. Well just in case I'll call my nurse to find out.

So in expectation of this FET working I've resumed taking the prenatal vitamins that I stopped after the baby died. I just couldn't come near the bottle. I did take a folic acid supplement though. I just didn't want to take the pills that I had been taking to nourish my Lydia. It seemed wrong. But it seems fine now. I'm o.k. moving ahead.

But I am not putting all my hopes into this working. I'm scared of the disappointment of a failed cycle. But not like before. Losing a baby at 21 weeks puts things in a different perspective. A BFN can not devastate me like it did in the past. But it will sting. Still I'm prepared. I know I shouldn't go into this expecting it to fail but I sort of do. My body sucks. I can't trust that it will work. And in a way I'm scared to risk my poor frosties on my stupid uterus and cervix.