Monday, August 3, 2009

Let the games begin

So here I am. Cycling again. This is bittersweet. I've been waiting for months to cycle again. When Lydia died all I wanted was to be pregnant again. The void of my empty uterus was simply unbearable. And although slightly better now, I still am all consumed with having another baby while at the same time longing for the one I lost.

My period started on Friday so on Saturday I got to start taking estrace 3x a day. This is a crazy ton of estrogen. And I've already noticed a huge difference in my body. My periods are usually 5-6 days long. Well this one was a whopping 3 days. Like when I was a teenager. And I'm not going to complain for a minute. No pain this time. I didn't even notice the endo. No freak trips to the ER like last month. And no need for my stash of vicodin. I'm thrilled. Hopefully this is what is supposed to happen. But I'm guessing it is fine since so much estrogen mimics your cycle building a follicle and thus building a lining. So it makes sense my bleeding stopped. Well just in case I'll call my nurse to find out.

So in expectation of this FET working I've resumed taking the prenatal vitamins that I stopped after the baby died. I just couldn't come near the bottle. I did take a folic acid supplement though. I just didn't want to take the pills that I had been taking to nourish my Lydia. It seemed wrong. But it seems fine now. I'm o.k. moving ahead.

But I am not putting all my hopes into this working. I'm scared of the disappointment of a failed cycle. But not like before. Losing a baby at 21 weeks puts things in a different perspective. A BFN can not devastate me like it did in the past. But it will sting. Still I'm prepared. I know I shouldn't go into this expecting it to fail but I sort of do. My body sucks. I can't trust that it will work. And in a way I'm scared to risk my poor frosties on my stupid uterus and cervix.

53 comments:

April said...

yea for starting a new cycle. i know it's bittersweet....but this is the path to a different kind of sweetness and love.

sending tons of positive vibes your way :)

xoxo

april
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janessa said...

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you. Strong, positive thoughts.

MabelB said...

Just wanted to send you good thoughts and vibes. Must be really tough in a lot of ways but I really hope this cycle leads to your dream coming true.

Eileen said...

Sending lots of positive vibes your way. YAY for starting a new cycle.

alicia said...

good luck!!! thinking of you, I can't imagine the mix of emotions you are going through.

'Murgdan' said...

Embarking on the journey with you...just started my estrogen today.

You're in my thoughts.

Mo and Will said...

Echloe, I am so so rooting for you. You deserve for this to work. I will be anxiously following along and sending many many positive thoughts!

Mo

Michelle said...

I know that it must be so scary. It is sad that we can't even enjoy things like fertiles do. I hope things turn out different then expected and your dreams come true. I am keeping everything crossed for you! ((HUGS))

Stephanie said...

It is rough moving on to another cycle after a loss. I remember being all full of excitement and dread all at the same time. Hang in there! I'm always sending lots of good vibes your way!

Sweet Georgia said...

I'll be thinking of you as you move through this cycle.

Peachy said...

Good luck Echloe! I will be thinking of you!

Bluebird said...

Thinking of you. I know how hard this is.

Clio said...

sweet Echloe, your fears and complaints about your body reminded me of something.
Studying the ancient peoples we'll always find that they never believed in simply planting and harvesting, taking the fruits of the earth without first giving it offerings of some kind.
We forget that in our modern ways.
As women, our bodies are much like the earth, the soil where seeds are planted.
And perhaps, it also needs appeasing to bend to our wills, to grow and surrender its fruits to us.
I'd like to suggest that you experiment with shifting the way you talk about and think about your body, uterus and cervix.
Although I understand and know it is hard because you feel betrayed by your body, now it's exactly the time we should build an alliance with it. (I'm trying to do the same as I just had that crazy bleeding). This was actually suggested by my therapist who's a specialist in mythology, and i found it most interesting.
So, do whatever feels right for you, but do stuff to gain the allegiance of your body. Try to build a bridge so you don't feel separate from it, so you feel all parts of yourself are on the same side.

iamstacey said...

Yay for a new start! Sending lots of good vibes your way.

Bella said...

Crossing everything for you, sweetie!!!

Kim said...

I know how hard it is to move foward and to be hopeful. I will be thinking of you and wishing you a nice smooth FET.
((hugs))

Peaches said...

I can only imagine how bittersweet this must be and will think of you as you make this amazing step forward...Your post was very well written- in the way I miserably failed to do last Aug when we went through the same thing at 20 wks.
Thankyou for being so articulate.

InfertileNaomi said...

Sending some good thoughts your way!

Kate said...

So sorry for your loss. I hope this cycle is it for you. I'm intrigued by the pomegranate juice and lining... If that works I'll hook myself up to an IV.

I too can't go near prenatals until I'm pregnant. It's too painful. Like you, I use folic acid supplements. Good to hear i'm not crazy.

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