Stupid blogger

I'm not quite sure what happened to that last post.  I had all these nice things listed for all of the blogs I selected for the blog awards but it all went away.  Don't you hate when you write something brilliant and then the technology gods destroy your lovely work.  Blah.  Well here is what I remember.  Sorry this isn't as eloquent as I originally had written.  

1.  Alicia's blog is amazing.  I found it on ICLW and am so glad to have been able to follow her journey from IUI to pregnancy.  I can't wait to see what kinds of shoes you buy for baby Twinkle.

2.  Sassy is a great blogger and is so very brave.  She is also a great baker (or at least it seems so from the photos she posts).  I hope the adoption process goes smoothly and you get to make tiny cupcakes for your little one very soon.

3.  Military wife is my cycle sister.  We bonded over on the Nest/Bump TTTC page and over email.  I'm so glad that we are both getting to move forward with IVF and can go through this together.

4.  Emntom, is another Nestie friend who writes an engaging blog.  I hope this cycle does the trick.

5.  Andrea, I found your blog through other nesties and can't believe it took me so long to find it.  I got addicted with the first post.  I am the praying type and you are in my prayers.  

6.  Sweet Georgia's blog is captivating.  If you wanna laugh and cry  

7.  Stay at home wife.  I'm so happy that you've made it to your 2nd trimester.  You are going to have to change your title to "just a wicked awesome mommy" soon.  

I love all of these blogs.  And I thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and lives.  I wish I could meet all of you in real life.  

my favorite blogs

One of my favorite nesties gave me the honor of awarding me with the I<3 href="http://itisinconceivable.blogspot.com/">The worms is a sweet and supportive woman who is also a terrific blogger.  I'm hoping and praying for her that her husband completely recovers and that they will be able to start their family soon.  I love her blog too.  If you haven't checked it out yet, click on the link.  You won't be disappointed.

Of course no award comes easily.  This one comes with a meme.  I had to answer each question with a one word answer.  In the blog world these memes just keep getting recycled.  I've actually already done this one.  So sorry to my regular readers.  Just skip ahead and check out the rest of this post.

1.  Where is your cell phone?  purse

2.  Where is your significant other? game

3.  Your hair color? Brown

4.  Your mother? Loving

5.  Your father? Caring

6.  Your favorite thing?  Chocolate

7.  Your dream last night? None

8.  Your dream/goal? mommy

9.  The room you're in? office

10.  Your hobby? knitting

11.  Your fear?  Barren

12.  Where do you want to be in six years? Massachusettes

13 Where were you last night? Out

14.  What you're not? organized

15.  One of your wish list items? twins

16.  Where you grew up? Massachusetts

17.  The last thing you did? ate

18.  What are you wearing? clothes

19.  Your T.V.? HGTV

20.  Your Pet? snuggly

21.  Your computer?  MAC

22.  Your mood?  Relaxed

23.  Missing someone?  Brother

24.  Your car? audi

25.  Something you're not wearing? hat

26.  Favorite store? Banana Republic

27.  Your Summer? Travelled

28.  Love someone? special

29.  Your favorite color?  Orange

30.  When is the last time you laughed? 11

31.  When was the last time you cried?  before

The best part of this award is recognizing others blogs.  So it is my pleasure to give this award to seven bloggers of blogs that I really love.

In no particular order they are...

 1.  Alicia.  I <3>

2.  Sassy of Cupcakes and Conundrums I <3>

3.  Military wife I <3>

4.  First comes love, then comes marriage.  EMNTOM I <3>

5.  Bella and her fella.  Andrea I <3>

6.  None in the Oven.  Sweet Georgia I <3>

7.  Just a stay at home wife.  I <3>

Good Things

Yesterday was the start of ICLW.  And already I can say that I've found a couple of blogs that I know I'll be addicted to soon.  I visisted Hope Springs Infertile; Mommy needs therapy; stop the train, I wanna get off; In Due Time, and The Worms.  I also visited Ova-ez which is not on the ICLW blogroll but totally worth visiting.  ICLW is a good thing.

On Monday I had my saline sonogram/mock transfer.  I was nervous because the other times I've had this test it hurt like hell.  I was also really scared that my RE would find that more scar tissue or adhesions had formed.  Well when I got to my REs office the nurse took me right back and said not to worry as this test does not hurt.  I of replied that I've had 3 of these and they've all hurt.   

My RE had  a bit of trouble getting the catheter past my cervix.  This was a new to my saline sono experience so I started to prepare myself for more intense pain.  But nothing happened.  My RE was all "this looks good, and this is x mm, and that is x mm."  I was confused and tired of waiting for the burst of pain I would feel once the water go in there.  So I asked her when she was going to insert the water and to my surprise she said that she already had.  Moreover, she said that every thing is 100% healed.  Just one tiny anomaly that will not interfere with implantation.  I couldn't believe it.  I was thrilled.  I mentioned that I was surprised it didn't hurt this time.  And she said that it was because there was no more scar tissue!  So now everything is all set for IVF next month.  This is a good thing.

A funny thing happened as I left the RE office.  I finally saw someone I know in the waiting room.  Well not someone I've ever talked to.  But this person was always on the bus with me on the way to work.  So they live close to me and work at the same place as me.  A quasi acquaintance if you will (QA for short).  Well here is the thing.  You know the SNL skit "Its Pat".  Well QA is like Pat.  I just could never tell and was always curious.  Anyway QA was in the waiting room when the doctor came out and called her by her name.  QA is a woman.  I was psyched to find this out.  Now if I see her on the bus I may actually wave.  She had to have noticed me too.  Its only been like 3 years since we've been doing the same commute.    O.K. anyway, finding out the this curiosity is a good thing.

  

Common Thread and Communal Tables

In honor of Infertility Awareness week I finally bought my pomegranate colored thread.  Infertility's common thread.  This thread is like a secret handshake.  Something to wear to show others that you are fighting the good fight.  I've been meaning to get this for a long time but finally got around to shopping at the craft store today.  So I'll be wearing my thread with pride.  I hope no one thinks it is for Kabahlah!

As for communal tables.  I always thought this was a good idea.  For those of you who haven't experienced this, it is just sharing a table at a restaurant.  You go to a restaurant, there isn't a lot of seating, but at the one large table there is room enough for two more and the people already seated there don't mind sharing.  So everyone gets to sit and eat.  And maybe you meet some cool new people.  This is what I thought.....  

This is what happened to us the other night:  K and I go out Saturday night for a date and decide on this uber hip  tapas restaurant.  Yummy food.  Yummy drinks.  But of course the place was packed once we got our butts in gear to actually leave the house and go out.  So when the hostess asked if we'd be o.k. with sitting at the communal table we agreed.   The three women at the table seemed nice enough and were apparently on a girls night out.  I thought they'd all be bitching about their boyfriends/husbands or whatever.  Not the case.  After they got their food they started to talk.  K and I were busily looking at our menus when chick A says "It is just so hard to give up breast feeding my son because I just love the cuddling."   And chick B says, "Yeah, I'm just so sad that my baby is crawling now because he isn't interested in bonding with me anymore."  O.K.  so not the conversation I wanted to be hearing right then.  As I sat there trying to tune them out, I kept thinking about the fact that this is the conversation that  my best friends are having with each other.  They could all be out (without me the childless one) sharing and bonding over their kids.  My best friends and I have always had so much in common.  But now I just feel so left out.  We are just at very different places right now.  And I so desperately want to be able to share with them again.  

Well hopefully soon.  Soon soon soon.

A little overwhelmed

Today we had our IVF class.  I had been looking forward to this.  It meant one more step towards making our baby.  

But tonight I have this sense of exhaustion.  I haven't even done anything yet.  Haven't taken a BCP, haven't injected myself, haven't had to mix drugs and ice my butt.  But I will have to.  And soon.  It feels like K and I were walking down a road that split into two paths.  And we decided to go left and but could turn back if we want to.  We don't want to.  But we can't help but look at the other path as we walk along.

In the car tonight he asked if I really wanted to do this because it is so hard.  He didn't really realize how hard this will be on my body.  I guess all the time I've spent reading blogs I've learned about all the fatigue, bloating, possible ovarian hyper-stimulation, potential  heartache, or magnificent joy that can come of as a result as an IVF cycle, I've prepared myself.  But he hasn't had this.  He wants to protect me.  He is scared.  

So this of course makes me scared.  Makes me look at things differently.  Makes me wanna think about just giving up and maybe moving towards adoption.  However, deep down I know that that isn't what is in my heart just yet.  That I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least try this route.  

At least I've got a few weeks to just breath.  I don't have to do anything just yet. And for once I'm going to enjoy the break.  I have spent way to much time wanting to rush through breaks and start cycling again.  I'm just gonna relax these last 3 weeks.  Well, at least I'll try to just relax.  We'll see!

IF Angels

On Wednesday I got to meet up with Ariel from wishing for my miracle.  It was so nice actually meet up with an online friend.  My husband was very nervous about the meeting.  Wondering if she would turn out to be some crazy internet stalker.  But he couldn't have been more off base.  She is my IF angel.  One of the sweetest people I've ever met.

After meeting up with her I was thinking about how much this virtual world of IF support has meant to me.  It has been so helpful to me to "meet" with others who are going through or have gone through infertility struggles.  Besides bonding over the same issues, I've learned a ton.  I feel like I know the right questions to ask and I feel more prepared for my treatments because of bloggers and Nesties.  You just can't get the same kind of knowledge from the little info packet from the RE office.

I know you all know what I mean.

So thanks to Ariel.  And thanks to all of you.  

What a weekend

So the my weekend started out with a sign.  Since Wednesday I've been doing a Novena to St Therese.  Her symbol is rose petals falling from heaven.  Well on Friday I went to get my hair cut.   My husband was supposed to pick me up but the timing didn't work out so I ended up trying to catch a bus.  I was a half a block away from the bus stop, when I say my bus fly by and was annoyed that I would have to wait.  Well when a bus finally pulled up 15 minutes later, I hopped on and decided to sit in the extra-wide seat since it was pretty empty.  I almost never choose the extra-wide because you could end up sitting knee to knee with someone and I just don't like that.  Anyway, I sat and saw right at my feet this sight.  Pink rose petals on the floor.    If that isn't a sign I don't know what is.  The rest of the weekend was great.  I went to my friend's baby shower and had a great time.  It was all of her moms friends, me, and her.  All the old biddies were hilarious talking about their hot flashes and how much they hate Sarah Palin.  We had uber girlie foods like tea sandwiches and baby cakes (actually thumbnail sized cakes).  On the way home my friend thanked me for dealing so well with all the baby talk and said that she knew that we would be doing the same thing for me soon.  I just hugged her  and whispered I hope so.  She is so great.  I mean, this event was all about her but she understood that I might be a little uncomfortable.  And I really wasn't.  No one asked when I was going to have a baby or any questions like that.  It was just a fun day and I was so happy to support my friend.  I'm so lucky to have such an understanding woman in my life.  So I've had a great weekend so far.  I hope it carries on through the week.

Private Practice

O.K. so I love the series Private Practice.  I love that the writing is smart and the acting is good.  And I like that one of the doctors is a fertility specialist.  

That being said.....I hated the season premier.  I hated the storyline about a couple who used PGD to select a genetic match for their sickly 7 year old son.  The baby is 6 months in utero and healthy.  But because the son is feared to die soon, the parents want the unborn baby delivered so they could used the cord blood to save the son.    When the main character decides that she will not deliver the baby early in order to give her a chance at life, the mother breaks her own water with a knitting needle.  

It just broke my heart.  I mean, I know it is just TV and they have to make it dramatic.  But this just hit a wrong nerve with me.  Especially in light of this retarded article.  I don't want people thinking that  reproductive technology is used for people who want "designer babies" or selfish career women who waited too long.  Or people who want to create a child just to use their cord blood.  Uh.