Parsley, Sage, and Peppermint

What about the Rosemary and Thyme?  Well I guess they aren't useful in drying up mothers milk.  But parsley, sage, and peppermint are supposed to do the trick.  After complaining to my friend P,(who had over-production of milk) about my giant, milk-filled breasts she suggested these herbs.  K went to our local herbalist pharmacy (yes we have those in our town)  to see if we could get a tea or oil version of these herbs.  But they didn't have them and suggested just boiling down fresh sage and parsley and then steeping in natural peppermint tea.  So now I'm drinking this awful concoction to slow the milk production.  I cried in the shower this morning when it started to leak out.  And it has come in on and off all day,  making a spot on my blouse.  This is so frustrating.  I ended up calling the lactation consultant to ask for help.  She promised that the milk should stop by tomorrow because now that I've been engorged for a few days without pumping or breastfeeding my body should realize that there is no baby and stop making milk.  So I'll wait until tomorrow.  In the meantime I'm to take ad.vil and continue the cold therapy. 

I did make it out of the house today.  Since we are moving we needed a permit to stop anyone from parking in front of our current house on moving day so the truck has a place.  So I went with K to do this since he has been doing EVERYTHING.  The not so nice admin person actually told me that I look like I need a nap and that I must be spending too much time packing.   I almost smacked her.  But she doesn't know.  Even still, who says that to someone?  Didn't her mother teach her that if she doesn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all?  After that K took me to a restaurant to try to get me to eat.  I had a little bit.  But the food was just not good.  At least he ate.  One of us has to stay strong.  I will eat something.  One of our friends sent an edible bouquet.  It is really a nice gesture.  Some of the fruit is covered in dark chocolate.  So I'll go for that first.  Nothing like chocolate to mend a broken heart right.  And then there is fruit in there so that is healthy.  O.K. I actually feel somewhat hungry and this 'tea' is grossing me out so I'm going to go attack the edible bouquet. 

Thoughts

I'm amazed by the thoughts that keep trickling in.  Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner?  Would it have made a difference?  Why did the triage nurse let me keep getting up to use the restroom?  I should have been lying down.  I was bleeding and cramping for God's sake.  Was she some sort of idiot?  Why did our baby have to die?  Why couldn't I keep her safe?  Why do I have to have an abnormal uterus and an incompetent cervix?  Will I be able to get pregnant again soon?  Will I be able to carry a baby to term?

My MIL who is usually very annoying has been most helpful.  She has been very encouraging and saying all the right things.  She has been advising me on what to do about the awful breastmilk situation, and how to try to sleep.  I'm so thankful for her kind words.

And I'm so thankful for all of your kind words.  I just can't believe how much love there is out there.  Every nice comment I read and share with my husband.  They make us feel just a little bit better.  They really do.  Friends and strangers alike keep asking what they can do to help.  And honestly the greatest help is just the outreach.  The comments, prayers, and well-wishes.  It all helps.    Knowing this now I'm so ashamed for how I once acted.  I never understood the pain of pregnancy loss.  I was always the one wondering how long it has to take someone to get over it.  Maybe that is why I have to suffer this now.  To teach me.  Maybe.  I don't know.  

More pain

Last night I woke up with the worst sore pain in my breasts.  They are as hard a rocks.  Heavy.  I'm pretty sure my milk has come in.  Milk for Lydia that she may never drink.  Milk that I might have to pump to then discard.  Why do I have to endure this horror.  Hasn't my body betrayed me enough.  Why torture me with her milk when you killed her??????

The info from the hospital says to put cold cabbage leaves in my bra.  WTF!  My husband as put aside some ice packs for me instead.  The paper says this may last a week.  I do not understand.  I do not want to.   

She is gone

My beautiful Lydia Rose is gone.  Today is the worst day of my existence.  Yesterday I went into pre-term labor, my cervix dialated and my membranes became exposed.  They inverted me and tried to different procedures to get the membranes back where they belonged.  It obviously didn't work.  They left me overnight with the hope that over a few hours everything would shift back up through the cervix.  Luckily most of it did and the doctor booked the OR right away.  I went under knowing that when I woke up I would either be still with child and with a cerclage, and then strict bedrest.  In stead I woke up empty.  They brought her to us later.  She was beautiful and perfect.  I have pictures but I think it would be odd and morbid to post a photo of my daughters corpse.  

We are in the midst of grieving now.  I don't know how to grieve her.  I feel like this is some sick joke.  Like she is still inside of me wiggling around.  Not sure what to do now.  Sleep maybe.

Look what I got

Aren't these cards beautiful?  It's the card that keeps on giving.  5 cards in one.  I don't know if I can ever part with it (them).  These were handmade by Alicia for Pay it Forward.  Thanks so much Alicia.  

Now when I first advertised pay it forward I got a few responses but the commenters did not leave their addresses at my gmail account.  And now that I got my gift  I really want to pay it forward.  So if anyone wants to participate just let me know.  I promise to knit you up something wicked awesome.  Come on...who doesn't want cool gifts from your blogger friends?

Isn't she lovely

Can you make out her pretty little nose and mouth?  Now that I know we are having a little girl I keep dreaming of all the sweet little girly things she'll do, cute outfits to dress her in, pretty ways to do her hair (please God let her have inherited K's hair because it is so much nicer than mine).  Our parents were thrilled.  My mom in particular because she guessed it was a girl while my dad guessed boy.  She kept taunting him that she was right and he was wrong.  Well besides that they were so happy to be having another granddaughter.  K's parents were just as excited.  She will be the first granddaughter and they are psyched to have one of each now.  And my MIL is already picking out pink dresses for her.  I hope she likes pink because I'm sure she'll get a lot of it.  If she is anything like me she'll hate pink and all things girly.  Well until she hits her teens.  Then daddy better hide the credit cards.  

Well here is my first official purchase for the baby  (I'm not counting the onesie and lullabye cd I bought last year on a whim).  Well it is really for me.  I'm a huge purse girl.  Some girls like shoes (see Alicia's blog).  I like bags.  So of course I had to get a cute diaper bag.  I didn't even have to splurge.  I got this one through the PPB company outlet store sale.  So it was a great deal.  Even K was pleased because he is used to me spending what he would call "too much" on bags.  So everyone is happy.

better

Actually much much better.  We had our big ultrasound today.  And guess what???????????  Our baby has none of the markers for downs.  Woot woot.  The perinatal specialist told us that we shouldn't really worry about that anymore (not that we were).  But it is nice to hear that from a doctor.  Our baby has a normal and strong heart.  Normal kidneys.  Normal lips and nose.  Five fingers on at least one hand (couldn't see the other).  Oh yeah and did I mention that the baby also has a normal vagina!!!!  IT'S A GIRL!!!!

We are so excited.  We will tell our parents over the phone together.  I didn't think it would be this thrilling.  I can tell we are going to be over the moon for this little girl.  She was soooo very uncooperative during the scan.  The u/s tech had to keep poking and proding at my belly to get the baby to change positions.  She was just about to tell us we were going to have to reschedule when the baby turned and showed us the goods.  Just like mom, she waits until she really has to do something to do it.  Both the tech and the doctor predicted girl so 

Oh and here is my better version of her baby blanket.  The cables are coming along beautifully.  

 

We got ours first

So the Pres and his family finally got their Porty (Portuguese Water Dog).  I'm so excited for them.  They couldn't have asked for a better breed.  But I'm biased.  My lovebug Bailey is a Porty and is pretty fantastic. We are so glad that the Ob.ama's got a porty because we are so tired of people asking if B is a standard poodle.  Here is the thing folks, just because he has curly hair it doesn't make him a poodle.  Poodles have pointy muzzles.  Portys have short square muzzles.  Also they are shorter and stockier than Poodles too.  So we are hoping that the new first dog will bring some well deserved attention to the breed so no one will confuse B with a poodle again.  I also have to add that I find it totally amusing that they got the puppy from Senator Kennedy and not from a shelter.  I  think it was absurd for the pres to think he'd get a hypo-allergenic mutt.  Obviously he doesn't know dogs.  We have nothing against mixed breed dogs by the way.  My family has owned 4.  But K is deathly allergic.  So we needed a truly hypoallergenic dog.  And you can only get that from a breeder!  Apparently the animal rights folks are pissed at the pres for not getting a shelter dog as promised.  So he donated a chunk of cash to the A.S.P.C.A.  Good for him.  But still, I find it amusing.

Here is my 19 week belly shot in my Easter dress.  After I got my communion at mass a woman reached out and touched my belly.  I was surprised and wanted to ask "do I know you?"  But I had to walk back to my pew.  So I guess the belly touches from strangers has begun.   

Starting Over

So as promised here is a photo of the progress on my baby blanket.

  I really haven't gotten very far.  But I had got to the point where the yarn starts to flow and feel really good as it it creates the fabric.  Well unfortunately I was feeling that I screwed up somewhere along the line and kept trying to tell myself that I could fix it and it wouldn't show.  But it would.  It did.  So I had to frog it (rip it up to you non-knitters).  I hate frogging.  Breaks my heart to loose all that work.  But it would not have been worth it to make a halfassed blanket. 

 I've started over.  Hopefully take 2 will work out better.

We found a house

I'm so excited.  After visiting lots of crappy places, and losing out on a few really nice places we finally lucked into a great house.  Its a 3 bed/2bath single family.  So no more loud downstairs neighbors.  And no more having to wait to use the bathroom.  Yay.  And there is a yard for Bailey.  He is going to be so excited.  

Actually Bailey is probably the reason that we got the place.  We happened to bring him along with us for this viewing and decided to walk him around the neighborhood which includes a nice park (although on-leash only).  He loved it.  And he really liked the park.  We cheated and let him off leash for a bit.  We have total control of him as long as we have a tennis ball.  So we felt o.k. and he did great.  Anyway, upon meeting the landlady and chatting her up I told her that we would be sharing the house with our wonder dog and asked if she wanted to meet him to see  that he would be a good renter.  Well she loved him.  He is so cute he could charm the pants off anyone and usually does.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that people stop us in the street on a daily basis to look at him and comment on his god looks.  Well we were also glad that we had tossed the ball around with him right before meeting the landlady because he was worn out he must have seemed like a very good dog and not the high energy spaz that he really is.  So hooray for Bailey.  And hooray for the new place.  

Now I can start thinking of nursery decor.  Yippee.    

Heaven is.....

1.  Reconnecting with an old friend on face.book who understands the cravings of a Masshole stuck in CA, who is also pregnant and in dire needs of hometown cuisine, so sends me this wonderful package2.  In the package is the food of gods (at least in my book), Dunkin.D's blueberry muffins......3.  Eating one of the aforementioned muffins!!!!!!

4.  Making our first major baby purchase.  K and I picked up our brand new hybrid crossover SUV last weekend.  I took a picture from our deck so you could see the awesome moonroof.  I love it so much.  It has lots of room for the baby, the grandparents, and Bailey.  Now I just have to order one of those cargo screen thingys to keep Bailey safe in the cargo area.  I know if we just let him in the back he'll just jump over the seats until he can snuggle down in the nice new leather of the back seats.  So he isn't allowed in the car until the screen thing is installed so he can learn that the way back is going to be his area.   I've named my new car Sparkle Bright since it is white sparkly metallic color (too bad you can't tell from the photo).  And I've named the kind female voice who tells us which way to turn to get to our destination Tina Sparkle.  Any Strictly Ballroom fans should get the reference.

Oh and since I've been really bad at keeping up with this in the last few weeks here is my 18 week belly shot.  This is probably the last one from this angle because K has promised to start taking the photos for me.  So the photos will be more regular and much better I'm sure.