1dp6dt and my super bladder

Obviously I have nothing in the way of symptoms yet and don't expect to feel for quite some time even if I do get pregnant. I am sort of surprised that my breasts aren't really sore from all the progesterone I'm on (1 cc of PIO, and 2 suppositories a day). My ass however, does hurt. I've got a huge welt on my right hip that is really bothering me. I'll have to use my left side for a couple of days I think.

The transfer went very smoothly. We transferred one sad looking de-frostie. The embryologist and RE said that the embie was perfect as it is a 1AA 6 day blast, and that the blast just looked strange because it had been dehydrated for freezing. I dunno. I supposed I can understand that. I just hope he/she is o.k and has a fighting chance at implanting. I just don't feel confident and hopeful like I did the last time.

I drank about half the required water before my acupuncture session as someone recommended in the comments of my last post (thank you so much). And I went in for the acupuncture session feeling pretty calm and relaxed. But by the time I got up from the table I had to pee. And once I went back for the transfer my bladder was ready to burst. So my RE let me empty it a little bit. Now ladies this is a difficult feat. Eliminating just a little urine. This actually happened during my last transfer so I knew that conceptually I could do it but was still scared about executing the task. Here is the trick. Pick a time (I had 5 seconds), then after the time stand up. You won't pee on yourself. I promise. I felt so much better, didn't feel the urge to pee anymore, and my bladder was still adequately full. So the lesson learned is that you don't have to drink all the water they ask you to necessarily. I drank about 18 oz of water and my nurse had said 24-50 oz. Anyway, it struck me that having a full bladder played a huge roll in trying to save Lydia and trying to get pregnant again. When they tried to get Lydia's amniotic sack back through my cervix, the on-call OB put a catheter in my urethra and filled my bladder with water. It was terribly uncomfortable. The OB and nurses were all surprised at the length of time I endured the full bladder without complaint. So maybe I've just got a super strong bladder.

Well now we wait. Beta isn't for another 8 days. But I'm just not that anxious about it. I think I'm really just getting more and more blah as I get closer to Lydia's EDD September 3rd. But I will try to send some good vibes to my little de-frostie everyday. I know that being a little more zen about things is best for my own psyche and better for de-frostie. So I'll try.

Another baby

My brother's.  Born living this morning at 7:03 am EST.  I am grateful.  Grateful that my nephew is alive and well and that my brother and his wife can enjoy the happiness of their new son.  But I'm so sad.  I just feel sorry for myself.  And I hate myself for this (and I know it is normal....went through a lot of these feelings with IF) but I just don't think it is fair that they get to have this joy and I don't.  Now my brother....he is my best friend.  He was so understanding with my IF.  He was afraid to tell me they were pregnant.  He cried on the phone when he told me.  He didn't want to hurt me.  He always tries to protect me.  He cried and cried with me over Lydia's loss.  My grief is his grief.  He would have come out to be with me but his wife was at the end of her pregnancy so he couldn't leave.  He listened to me complain about mom and dad.  He agreed with me that they were being assy.  He is a good brother.  So I shouldn't feel so negative.  But I do.  It isn't fair.  They  NEVER HAVE SEX!!  They had a 6 month dry spell until my brother begged and his wife finally "gave in" one night.  And they got pregnant.  One time.  One.  They haven't had sex since.  She never got horny during pregnancy.  She doesn't like it I guess.  My point is they weren't even trying, never do it, and got pregnant, and now have a live beautiful son.  Me and K, we tried for years, I had 3 surgeries, I took clomid, I used OPKs, I took my temp every morning, I did acupuncture, I drank green tea, used pre.seed, did fertility yoga, we had sex all the time.  We did IVF!!!!  And I have nothing to show for it.  Just my tears and heartache.  I hate being so conflicted.  It hurts.  I love my brother more than anything.  His joy should be my joy.  But I'm so jealous and sad and mad.  

I have tell you that I took your advice and emailed my parents exactly what I put in my last post.  I think they get it now.  But I still haven't had the guts/heart whatever to actually talk to them.  They'll be busy with their new live grandchild now anyway.  So I can lay low for a bit.

Parsley, Sage, and Peppermint

What about the Rosemary and Thyme?  Well I guess they aren't useful in drying up mothers milk.  But parsley, sage, and peppermint are supposed to do the trick.  After complaining to my friend P,(who had over-production of milk) about my giant, milk-filled breasts she suggested these herbs.  K went to our local herbalist pharmacy (yes we have those in our town)  to see if we could get a tea or oil version of these herbs.  But they didn't have them and suggested just boiling down fresh sage and parsley and then steeping in natural peppermint tea.  So now I'm drinking this awful concoction to slow the milk production.  I cried in the shower this morning when it started to leak out.  And it has come in on and off all day,  making a spot on my blouse.  This is so frustrating.  I ended up calling the lactation consultant to ask for help.  She promised that the milk should stop by tomorrow because now that I've been engorged for a few days without pumping or breastfeeding my body should realize that there is no baby and stop making milk.  So I'll wait until tomorrow.  In the meantime I'm to take ad.vil and continue the cold therapy. 

I did make it out of the house today.  Since we are moving we needed a permit to stop anyone from parking in front of our current house on moving day so the truck has a place.  So I went with K to do this since he has been doing EVERYTHING.  The not so nice admin person actually told me that I look like I need a nap and that I must be spending too much time packing.   I almost smacked her.  But she doesn't know.  Even still, who says that to someone?  Didn't her mother teach her that if she doesn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all?  After that K took me to a restaurant to try to get me to eat.  I had a little bit.  But the food was just not good.  At least he ate.  One of us has to stay strong.  I will eat something.  One of our friends sent an edible bouquet.  It is really a nice gesture.  Some of the fruit is covered in dark chocolate.  So I'll go for that first.  Nothing like chocolate to mend a broken heart right.  And then there is fruit in there so that is healthy.  O.K. I actually feel somewhat hungry and this 'tea' is grossing me out so I'm going to go attack the edible bouquet. 

Thoughts

I'm amazed by the thoughts that keep trickling in.  Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner?  Would it have made a difference?  Why did the triage nurse let me keep getting up to use the restroom?  I should have been lying down.  I was bleeding and cramping for God's sake.  Was she some sort of idiot?  Why did our baby have to die?  Why couldn't I keep her safe?  Why do I have to have an abnormal uterus and an incompetent cervix?  Will I be able to get pregnant again soon?  Will I be able to carry a baby to term?

My MIL who is usually very annoying has been most helpful.  She has been very encouraging and saying all the right things.  She has been advising me on what to do about the awful breastmilk situation, and how to try to sleep.  I'm so thankful for her kind words.

And I'm so thankful for all of your kind words.  I just can't believe how much love there is out there.  Every nice comment I read and share with my husband.  They make us feel just a little bit better.  They really do.  Friends and strangers alike keep asking what they can do to help.  And honestly the greatest help is just the outreach.  The comments, prayers, and well-wishes.  It all helps.    Knowing this now I'm so ashamed for how I once acted.  I never understood the pain of pregnancy loss.  I was always the one wondering how long it has to take someone to get over it.  Maybe that is why I have to suffer this now.  To teach me.  Maybe.  I don't know.