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So my beta was negative. I didn't even ask if there was a number. The call hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't really feel pregnant. But I just didn't really expect to here it was negative either.

Well after having a good cry, lots of hugs from K, and lots of kisses from Bailey I took a deep breath and thought of some good things.

1. Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. 6 years of marriage to one of the greatest human beings ever created. We will celebrate with a nice dinner out.

2. Since I'm not pregnant I can have champagne to celebrate our anniversary.

3. Since I'm not pregnant I can have sex to celebrate our anniversary.

4. We have 6 more frosties and I can just roll into another cycle.

5. I don't have to shoot myself in the ass tonight and for another couple of weeks!

At my WTF appointment next week I'm going to ask about transferring 2 next time. I never felt totally comfortable with just one and now that this cycle didn't work I feel more strongly that we should try to increase our chances.

8dp6dt

I went to my therapist on Wednesday. She thought it would be a good idea for me to stop trying to protect myself by not feeling hope for Nugget. She thinks having a poor mental attitude could be bad if s/he indeed is trying to grow in there. She told me about this study where there were 2 groups of cancer patients. One group was prayed for. At the end of the study, the group that was prayed for had better survival than the other group. The researchers attributed the success of the prayer group to positive thinking and good vibes. So my therapist asked me to try to commune with Nugget and let him or her know that I want him and will provide a safe passage if s/he decides to stay with us. And ever since then I've noticed all of these potential pregnancy symptoms. I don't really trust early pregnancy symptoms but it gives me a little hope. And talking to Nugget and acting like there is a chance gives me hope.

But here is the thing. Now I'm annoyed that I'm feeling a little hopeful about this baby. Because what happens when I get a BFN tomorrow. This is going to suck. Lydia's due date is on September 3rd. Why did I do this to myself? If the beta is negative and then I have to deal with her due date too this week is going to be just awful for me.

I haven't cried for weeks. That is a big deal for me. And I sobbed this morning thinking about poor Lydia. Poor me. Poor K. Poor Nugget. I was so obsessed with getting pregnant again before Lydia's due date and now I'm not sure why that felt like such a big deal. If I am pregnant it isn't going to take away the pain of losing her. And now if I'm not pregnant I'm going to have double pain. So just in case I get bad news tomorrow I've devised a little plan. I made sure that next week is going to be a really busy one at work. I've scheduled a meeting with my boss on Tuesday, and I have a ton of experiments to finish. So I'm going to throw myself into it. Concentrate on work. I won't have time to cry. I won't have time to feel. I'm just not sure I can handle it all.

Nugget

So here is the promised photo of my little de-frostie that I've been calling Nugget. I think the inner mass of cells makes it look like a gold nugget. Although it isn't gold. More clear than anything else. So sort of hard to photograph I guess. I don't know what Nugget is doing now. If he has hydrated and has implanted. Or maybe just still hanging out waiting to hatch. Or perhaps he has died. I wish I could tell what is going on down there. It is so odd to me that given all the perfect conditions that he couldn't just find a nice piece of lining and snuggle in. But sometimes they just don't. Are you are sticky little rockstar Nugget? I wonder.

1dp6dt and my super bladder

Obviously I have nothing in the way of symptoms yet and don't expect to feel for quite some time even if I do get pregnant. I am sort of surprised that my breasts aren't really sore from all the progesterone I'm on (1 cc of PIO, and 2 suppositories a day). My ass however, does hurt. I've got a huge welt on my right hip that is really bothering me. I'll have to use my left side for a couple of days I think.

The transfer went very smoothly. We transferred one sad looking de-frostie. The embryologist and RE said that the embie was perfect as it is a 1AA 6 day blast, and that the blast just looked strange because it had been dehydrated for freezing. I dunno. I supposed I can understand that. I just hope he/she is o.k and has a fighting chance at implanting. I just don't feel confident and hopeful like I did the last time.

I drank about half the required water before my acupuncture session as someone recommended in the comments of my last post (thank you so much). And I went in for the acupuncture session feeling pretty calm and relaxed. But by the time I got up from the table I had to pee. And once I went back for the transfer my bladder was ready to burst. So my RE let me empty it a little bit. Now ladies this is a difficult feat. Eliminating just a little urine. This actually happened during my last transfer so I knew that conceptually I could do it but was still scared about executing the task. Here is the trick. Pick a time (I had 5 seconds), then after the time stand up. You won't pee on yourself. I promise. I felt so much better, didn't feel the urge to pee anymore, and my bladder was still adequately full. So the lesson learned is that you don't have to drink all the water they ask you to necessarily. I drank about 18 oz of water and my nurse had said 24-50 oz. Anyway, it struck me that having a full bladder played a huge roll in trying to save Lydia and trying to get pregnant again. When they tried to get Lydia's amniotic sack back through my cervix, the on-call OB put a catheter in my urethra and filled my bladder with water. It was terribly uncomfortable. The OB and nurses were all surprised at the length of time I endured the full bladder without complaint. So maybe I've just got a super strong bladder.

Well now we wait. Beta isn't for another 8 days. But I'm just not that anxious about it. I think I'm really just getting more and more blah as I get closer to Lydia's EDD September 3rd. But I will try to send some good vibes to my little de-frostie everyday. I know that being a little more zen about things is best for my own psyche and better for de-frostie. So I'll try.

I "lied" and all is well for my FET tomorrow.

I love that I know my parents so well. I knew that when I told them I'd need a procedure to help me get pregnant again they'd take my statement for what it was. No questions. Just a little worry. But I assured them that it was a simple procedure and it would be better for me not to walk around when I get home and all day the following day. And also as predicted, my mom and dad were said they were so happy that they could be here to help when I have to be off my feet. I love them. And I'm so glad I didn't tell them the whole truth. They are just too scared to deal with me getting pregnant again. When my mom found my PNVs she told my husband that he should throw them away.

Well even though they are frightened I know that they'll be happy for me if the FET works. And of course we'll be thrilled as well. Getting pregnant again is the driving force that has kept me from going into despair over losing Lydia. I can't believe the day is actually here.... Deep Breath.

So the transfer is at 12pm PST. I go in for acupuncture at 11:15, and I guess I'll start drinking my "lots and lots" of water after the treatment. Or maybe I should start drinking it right before. Last time I forgot to drink the water before arriving at my clinic, but it was fine because my RE was doing a surgery and was late. But this time I hope she won't be late. So I better figure out when to start filling my bladder. Any thoughts ladies?

Is this bad?

My blood work from this morning looked good so we are on for Friday Transfer. I start taking PIO tonight and continue the estrace. I'm excited. I'm hopeful.

I also feel good because my mom and dad are coming to visit. They will be here for a week and I'm so happy I could burst. I haven't felt this happy in a long long time. I really miss them.

But K and I made the decision to not tell our parents about the FET ages ago. We just don't want the questions. Question like "are you sure you've waited long enough" and "will a baby be normal after being frozen" and "did you test, are you pregnant, what if what if what if". We just can't deal with that. So the only one who knows besides you guys is my brother who I just can't keep anything from. He is my own personal IRL cheerleader and he is keeping his mouth closed from the 'rents. But how are we supposed to keep this from them when they are here. I'm going to have to lie right to their faces. I hate to lie to them. But I can't face the alternative. So my plan on transfer day is to say I have to have a procedure that will help me get pregnant again. They know about the IF, fibroids, endo, etc so they won't question this. They may feel odd about me needing 2 days of bedrest, but they'll go with it. They will just want to know that I'm o.k. and will probably be happy that they are going to be around to take care of me. So I feel a little guilty. But really, telling them feels like if we were doing it the natural way and I said "hey don't mind us we are going to get busy now and try to make you another grandchild," so I feel justified in not telling them what is going on. But telling a boldface lie like this is going to be hard.

So far so good

This morning I went for a lining check and blood work. Fairly routine and easy visit. I didn't get nervous like I did during my fresh cycle. Not even when the freshly graduated medical assistant asked if it would be o.k. for her to take my blood. She looked so scared. I think a lot of patients must turn her down. The regular M.A.s were there saying that I didn't have to accept her if I didn't feel comfortable. But I figured what the heck. It took at least 10 minutes to draw one vial of blood. It was sort of cute in a way. She was so careful, checking my vain several times before doing the shot. I told her that she did a great job when she was finally finished. Hopefully it gave her a little more confidence for next time.

The ultrasound room gave me one tiny pang of pain. Just remembering seeing a squirmy little Lydia on that screen a few months ago made me frown. But after a deep breath I was fine. The tech didn't recognize me. I guess it has been a while and she has seen a lot of patients. But I remembered her. She did most of my follie checks. The follies that made Lydia and her little embryo siblings. I was glad to see a familiar face. My lining measured over 10 so I'm in the clear. I guess the combination of acupuncture, Pomegranate juice, and 3 estrace pills a day did the trick. And my blood work came back perfect.

So my FET is scheduled. I have to get my blood checked on Sunday to make sure things are still quiet and then Friday the 21st will be the transfer.

Let the games begin

So here I am. Cycling again. This is bittersweet. I've been waiting for months to cycle again. When Lydia died all I wanted was to be pregnant again. The void of my empty uterus was simply unbearable. And although slightly better now, I still am all consumed with having another baby while at the same time longing for the one I lost.

My period started on Friday so on Saturday I got to start taking estrace 3x a day. This is a crazy ton of estrogen. And I've already noticed a huge difference in my body. My periods are usually 5-6 days long. Well this one was a whopping 3 days. Like when I was a teenager. And I'm not going to complain for a minute. No pain this time. I didn't even notice the endo. No freak trips to the ER like last month. And no need for my stash of vicodin. I'm thrilled. Hopefully this is what is supposed to happen. But I'm guessing it is fine since so much estrogen mimics your cycle building a follicle and thus building a lining. So it makes sense my bleeding stopped. Well just in case I'll call my nurse to find out.

So in expectation of this FET working I've resumed taking the prenatal vitamins that I stopped after the baby died. I just couldn't come near the bottle. I did take a folic acid supplement though. I just didn't want to take the pills that I had been taking to nourish my Lydia. It seemed wrong. But it seems fine now. I'm o.k. moving ahead.

But I am not putting all my hopes into this working. I'm scared of the disappointment of a failed cycle. But not like before. Losing a baby at 21 weeks puts things in a different perspective. A BFN can not devastate me like it did in the past. But it will sting. Still I'm prepared. I know I shouldn't go into this expecting it to fail but I sort of do. My body sucks. I can't trust that it will work. And in a way I'm scared to risk my poor frosties on my stupid uterus and cervix.