Friday, May 8, 2009

Another baby

My brother's.  Born living this morning at 7:03 am EST.  I am grateful.  Grateful that my nephew is alive and well and that my brother and his wife can enjoy the happiness of their new son.  But I'm so sad.  I just feel sorry for myself.  And I hate myself for this (and I know it is normal....went through a lot of these feelings with IF) but I just don't think it is fair that they get to have this joy and I don't.  Now my brother....he is my best friend.  He was so understanding with my IF.  He was afraid to tell me they were pregnant.  He cried on the phone when he told me.  He didn't want to hurt me.  He always tries to protect me.  He cried and cried with me over Lydia's loss.  My grief is his grief.  He would have come out to be with me but his wife was at the end of her pregnancy so he couldn't leave.  He listened to me complain about mom and dad.  He agreed with me that they were being assy.  He is a good brother.  So I shouldn't feel so negative.  But I do.  It isn't fair.  They  NEVER HAVE SEX!!  They had a 6 month dry spell until my brother begged and his wife finally "gave in" one night.  And they got pregnant.  One time.  One.  They haven't had sex since.  She never got horny during pregnancy.  She doesn't like it I guess.  My point is they weren't even trying, never do it, and got pregnant, and now have a live beautiful son.  Me and K, we tried for years, I had 3 surgeries, I took clomid, I used OPKs, I took my temp every morning, I did acupuncture, I drank green tea, used pre.seed, did fertility yoga, we had sex all the time.  We did IVF!!!!  And I have nothing to show for it.  Just my tears and heartache.  I hate being so conflicted.  It hurts.  I love my brother more than anything.  His joy should be my joy.  But I'm so jealous and sad and mad.  

I have tell you that I took your advice and emailed my parents exactly what I put in my last post.  I think they get it now.  But I still haven't had the guts/heart whatever to actually talk to them.  They'll be busy with their new live grandchild now anyway.  So I can lay low for a bit.


Candace said...

I am so sorry.

much love,

Busted said...

I'm glad you nephew is well but so sorry for the feelings it's bringing up in you. Ironically, my nephew was also born right after we lost the Doodles and it was one of the hardest days following our loss. I couldn't bring myself to visit them in the hospital or even see him until he was several weeks (maybe close to a month) old. Hang in there, sweetie.

MAK-now said...


I know it's hard. I'm praying for you and think about you often. Please try to keep your head up. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.


Inanna said...

Not Fair Not Fair Not Fair I know!!


Heather said...

Ugh! Man, what a gigantic kick in the teeth from the universe. Like what you're going through isn't bad enough...heep this on your shattered heart! Today is a bad day for me, I can't be comforting...but you can borrow my baseball bat! We'll cuss at the universe and break stuff.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry. It being so close to your loss I know it must be so hard! I am glad that they had a healthy baby but I am sad for you. I am thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and praying God will help you through this. I can't even begin to know how you feel or begin to cope but I do believe you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, Give yourself a break and a chance to begin to heal, my heart goes out to you.


militarywifealways said...

I have a nephew that should be only 2 months older than his cousin, it was really hard for us to deal with his birth we were happy and heart broken in the same breathe. I am glad you were able to vent to your parents, hopefully they will be able to understand how you and K are feeling now. Congrats to your brother.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. After I lost my baby I had to hear from my sister-in-law how they had sex ONCE and got pregnant.... And I had been charting and taking my temp and all of that stuff forever. I just felt like the entire world was pregnant and having healthy babies and no one got it. You aren't alone.

Mrs. Spit said...

This is gut wrenchingly, mind numbingly hard, and it's especially hard to seperate how much you care for your brother while holding on to how hard this is for you.

Sending hugs.

We have Angel Wings said...

Everything you said makes perfect sense from where you're sitting.

I hate how unfair it is but know that we're all here for you when ever you need us.

So glad you emailed your parents. ((HUGS))



meinsideout said...

I too am glad your nephew is well. My younger sister is pregnant with her second - her first is about 1 year old. It is effortless for them and it kills me. I love my little sister soooo much and I feel like such a bitch for being jealous and for feeling like my heart is being squeezed out of my chest when we speak. It is the elephant in the room.

I try not to be so hard on myself and let myself feel what I need to feel while being here for her the best that I can. Some days are easier than others.

I am sorry for your pain.

Jenn said...

I found your blog through a link from another... I guess that's how we moms of "the club no one wants to be a member of" find each other - most times at least it seems.

I know almost exactly how you feel... at least about your brother's new baby, your nephew and how much it hurts. For me, learning of others who have gone through what we have has been a great part of the healing process. It hurts to hear that others are going through this awful pain, but comforting to know that we aren't the only ones feeling such pain and anger and sorrow and loss.

After nearly a picture perfect pregnancy tragedy struck. At exactly 34 weeks I noticed I wasn't feeling my baby move much if at all one day... I should have noticed sooner, I will never stop thinking that even though the doctors and midwives tell me that I did all I was supposed to. After laying quietly for 20 min and still feeling no movement I went in to the hospital. After several hours we learned that our sweet Ty had died... ironically, the timeline they gave us would have put his death right around the time I was laying down and talking to him, telling him to get moving. Almost immediatly after hearing the words "I'm sorry" I remembered: my sister-in-law (husband's sister) was due to be induced in 2 days. My sweet baby was spiritually born into the arms of our Savior on the afternoon of Monday, Jan 26, 2009. He was physically born the next morning, Tuesday 1/27/09. My nephew was then born happy and healthy on Wednesday 1/28/09.

Know that you're not alone in all that you're going through. I will be sending prayers up to our Lord for you and that He holds you as you grieve and heal. God bless you!!!

alicia said...

oh sweetie, huge hugs! what a hard place to be in, i can't imagine. I am glad you have such a great brother and I bet he totally understands your mixed emotions right now. I am glad you e-mailed your parents, i hope it helps them understand!

Clio said...

allow yourself to feel conflicted right now about this new baby in the family. It's natural to feel this way, you are dealing with loss right now, it's very hard to rejoice in the middle of that. don't beat yourself up, it's a time for self compassion. You will be able to there for your brother's happiness later on, and he'll understand if he's such a good friend as you mentioned.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that I cannot even voice the words. You are my daughter's age. She just had her third miscarriage and is just devastated. I can only imagine how much worse it would be to see your beautiful baby and be so close to having what you have waited and prayed for for so long. My son and his wife have 4 beautiful children and I remember when the last baby was born, holding her in the hospital and feeling such a huge surge of bitterness-then feeling sooooo guilty! I love my children equally and adore my grandchildren but I actually felt my daughter's pain so intensely that I could hardly bear it. I wish I could just hug you and cry with and for you. I can only say, please don't let others tell you what to feel. You know that at some point you need to move on to survive but when you do that is YOUR business and no one elses. Don't give up and try to just hang on, one day at a time. I am praying for you!

Pink-CJ said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I sending you prayer from Texas. HUGS!