2 tearless days

I'm feeling much better.  I think the outpouring of well wishes here and the support of my family did the trick.  Well and the time to think things through.  The thought that I'm hanging onto is that things couldn't get worse.  They can only get better.   Right?  I really can't take anything else.  Last week was so hard for me.  1.  Bad news about the fibroid returning and me having to be gutted in order to chop it out for good.  2.  Bad news about the sperm sample and cancelled IUI (after clomid, finding 2 nice follies, and doing the trigger shot...  what a waste).  3.  Last Saturday we found out that my young and fertile sister in-law is pregnant.  This was my low.  I still haven't congratulated them.  I know it is totally wrong and hateful and I need to suck it up and be a good person.  But the thought of doing it still makes me feel like throwing up.  Pathetic.  I know.  I'm sure that in a couple of days (or weeks)  I'll be able to call them and wish them well.  Just not yet.  Maybe I'll send a card.  Then I won't have to actually talk to them (they live in Denver so I don't have to actually interact with them until Thanksgiving, and hopefully by then I'll either be my normal loving self again or pregnant or both).    

When I told my parents about the impending gutting and  my Dad started to cry.  My Dad doesn't cry.  The one time I witnessed tears in his eyes was when his Dad died.  And my mom told me that the only other times were when his Mom died and when their baby daughter (born before me) died.  He freaked out because he thought the operation and fibroid would prevent me from ever having a kid of my own.  After I told him that the whole point was to get me good and pregnant he calmed down and started to try to make plans for him and my Mom to come and stay with me during the recovery.  And my younger brother (my angel), totally calmed me down after I wigged out on my husband and blamed him for all my fertility issues since he wanted to wait to try to have a baby and wouldn't listen to reason about the likelihood of the fibroid growing back and its probable impact on conception.  I never knew my brother to be so wise.  He knew just what to say to calm me down and get me to think clearly.  From 3000 miles away, he could hear through my sobs and give me direction.  He convinced me to go back and apologize to my husband (turns out I didn't need to as he knew it was the grief/anger/scared person talking not me).  My brother has checked in on me every day since and has already talked to his boss about coming to stay with me during the recovery.  My family is awesome!

I am truly thankful to everyone who has spouted some kind words to me on this blog.   Even thought I tried to avoid blogging, I kept getting all these nice comments since they get copied to my email address.  So it was much easier to come back here.  And honestly, I did miss this.  I think it keeps me grounded.

So since all the craziness I've gone ahead and scheduled the surgery for  September 9th.  I have a water ultrasound scheduled for July 11th.  So I guess we are on a break for now.  It will probably take a while for my uterus to heal post surgery so I don't know when we could go back to our IUI schedule.  My acupuncturist said to come in a week or 2 after surgery and he will help me to heal faster.  I think I will do that.

Anyway, not to sure what the content on this blog will be for the next couple of months.  Maybe all the great shopping I'll be doing to make myself feel better about all this.  Hmmmm.

no more ??

I'm done.  I'm so done with all of this for awhile.  Not sure the next time I'll feel up to posting here.  So I'll just get this last bit out.

Went in for IUI today.  Was told DH's count was low with zero motility.  WTF?  2 prior sperm analysis results were normal and actually quite good.  My RE thinks DHs recent illness may have contributed to the poor quality sample.  So no IUI.  I was crushed.  Then came the second blow.

It seems that my fibroid is back and in full affect.  They could see it when doing my sonogram yesterday.  Then when looking back at my HSG films my RE figured that the divit (what the HSG technician called it) was actually my re-born fibroid.  The fucking fibroid that I've already undergone 2 surgeries to remove.  RE wants to do a myomectomy.  A more aggressive surgery to cut out the fibroid.  Then back to the clomid IUI treatment.  But how long is this going to take.  How long do I have to deal with this.  I am not using question marks because these are more like statements.  I'm tired of asking when this is going to happen for me.  Maybe I'm being dramatic.  

All I know is right now the tears won't stop.  

I'm actually really relaxed

Today was a great day.  I'm at home in Massachusetts visiting my brother for a few days.  We slept in and then had a late breakfast before going to get Swedish massages.  

My brother booked the spa for us a few days ago.  He had never had one before and didn't really know what to ask for, but stated that he wanted to order massage for 2 people.  

When we got to the spa they asked us random questions like where we were tense and what kind of pressure we wanted.  I wondered why they didn't ask us separately.  Then they took us to a room with 2 beds and asked whether we'd ever had a couples massage before.  Um no!  Couple...yuck!  I asked the masseuse if she couldn't see the resemblance.  We look very similar.  So I told her we were brother and sister, not a couple. And we all started to laugh.  Apparently my brother had asked for a couples massage specifically.  He didn't know you had to get undressed or anything (he figured it was like those mall massages), so asked for us to be in the same room.   After the laugh, they gave us 2 separate new rooms and we had our massages.  Mine was great.  I so needed to relax.  And my brother loved his too.  He is hooked now and wants to go back to the place next month.  But only if they put sports magazines in the relaxation room.  He is too funny.

Tomorrow my husband flies in and we are going to continue the little vacation by going to our college reunion.  The place where we met and fell in love.  I'm really excited because.........            (1.)vacation is sex is always better than regular sex, (2.)  we are going to the place where it all started and that is very romantic, and (3.)  I'll probably ovulate any day now.   A few days ago I was sad that we would be away during the time that we could do an IUI.  But now I think it will be fine to just have timed intercourse this cycle.  Maybe its because I'm so relaxed now.  But I'm really o.k. with it.

I blame the clomid

So today I hit an all time low.  I'm a happy person.  I have never had depression, and can usually cheer myself up about stuff pretty quickly.  Even with all of this IF bullshit, I've been able to look ahead to the next cycle and have hope.  But today I just couldn't do it.  After my acupuncture appointment I had lunch with my best friend M.  M has been going through IF as well and we've strengthened our friendship bound over sharing this horrid experience.  She was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and was on route to start IVF once her insurance went through.  She had 2 years of trying and 7 rounds of clomid.  Today at lunch she told me that she is pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  I was overjoyed for her.  She thought she would have to have a donor egg and got pregnant naturally, off clomid, on her break waiting for the insurance to go through.  I couldn't eat my lunch.  I was too excited.  But then after a few minutes I started to feel claustrophobic.  I really needed to get out of there.   I don't really know how I got over that feeling and was able to relax again long enough to get through lunch (maybe the acupuncture), but as soon as the check came I found myself rushing for the door and off to my car.  M walked with me to the car so we could keep talking and I had the overwhelming feeling that I wanted her to leave me alone.  I've never felt like that before.  Afterall she is my best friend.  And she had just experienced a miracle.  What the hell was wrong with me.

When I started driving the tears came.  And then the panic.  She left me in the dust.  I was supposed to get pregnant first.  She was the one with all the really bad problems.  Why not me, why not me, what about me.   I screamed.  One of those pathetic tribal screams you do when you are on a roller coaster.  I guess I thought as long as we both weren't pregnant I could deal.  But now I'm the only one left.  Every single one of my friends is pregnant or has a child (except the one single girl in our group), but me.  I love them.  I'm happy for them.  Ecstatic for M.  But so so sad for me.  

I rested this afternoon and found joy playing my dog.  Thank God for dogs.  One look into Bailey's sweet face and all the pain goes away.  We had a nice long walk and now I'm feeling a lot better.  And from this posting I can tell that I'm feeling more rational about the whole thing.  Its gotta be the clomid.  I don't react like that.  I don't scream.  I didn't get crazy on 50mgs at all.  I'm now on 100mg.  So I think that must be it.  

On a lighter note.....

I realized that I never got around to posting about the fabulous wedding that the husband and I attended last weekend.  The wedding was held at the Carneros Inn in Napa Valley.  The Inn was beautiful, and the setting was perfect for a wedding.  But the best part was the wine.  They served

Gloria Ferrer Carneros Cuvee

Cakebread Cellars Chardonnay, Napa Valley

ZD Pinot Noir, Carneros  

and Hope and Grace Cabernet, Napa Valley

Like a good girl I sampled them all.  And the husband and I were in complete agreement that the ZD Pinot Noir was the best.  I highly recommend this one to those like me, who prefer white wines.  I was surprised by the utter yumminess the ZD since I usually skip the Pinots.  

Tag!

So I've been tagged by Ariella who is a thoughtful writer and has a great blog chronicling her journey from IF to pregnancy.  So for this game of tag I have to write a six word memoir... a Meme.  To quote Ariella's blog "The Meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I was planning:  Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure.  It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet $10 that he could sum up his life in six words.  His were- For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

Hmmm, a six word memoir.  This is tough.  I guess the best way to do this is to describe myself.  I

1.  I'm a woman who truly believes in love.  A good love song to me is almost as good as good sex.  (and obviously I seem to use the word good a lot).

2.  I'm a scientist.  I study microbes.  Living creatures too tiny to see with the naked eye, but have a huge impact on the world.  Like Quantum 

3.  I internalize a lot of stuff.  My husband complains that I don't share enough.  Odd, I share a lot here.  But I guess I don't vocalize it.  Quiet.  

4.  I feel like there is something missing in my life right now.  I have a great husband and a great family.  I love my work.  But I know I'll never feel complete until we have a child.  A child that looks a little like him and a little like me.

5.  Home sick.  California is wonderful in many ways but it is not home.  I dream of going back to Massachusetts, to warm summers and real fall that only New England can give you.  I want my kids to have 4 seasons with snow days and swimming in the ocean without a wetsuit.  

Quantum good love, quite little home.

Actually that is a perfect meme for me.  I like it.  

So I have to tag five more blogs, and they are supposed to continue the game by making their own Meme and tagging five blogs each.  

I'm tagging Alpaca, Esharp, Little Monkey, Tbird, and  JackiJaguar.  These are all girls who I originally met on the nest and am now addicted to their blogs.