Saturday, June 7, 2008

I blame the clomid

So today I hit an all time low.  I'm a happy person.  I have never had depression, and can usually cheer myself up about stuff pretty quickly.  Even with all of this IF bullshit, I've been able to look ahead to the next cycle and have hope.  But today I just couldn't do it.  After my acupuncture appointment I had lunch with my best friend M.  M has been going through IF as well and we've strengthened our friendship bound over sharing this horrid experience.  She was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and was on route to start IVF once her insurance went through.  She had 2 years of trying and 7 rounds of clomid.  Today at lunch she told me that she is pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  I was overjoyed for her.  She thought she would have to have a donor egg and got pregnant naturally, off clomid, on her break waiting for the insurance to go through.  I couldn't eat my lunch.  I was too excited.  But then after a few minutes I started to feel claustrophobic.  I really needed to get out of there.   I don't really know how I got over that feeling and was able to relax again long enough to get through lunch (maybe the acupuncture), but as soon as the check came I found myself rushing for the door and off to my car.  M walked with me to the car so we could keep talking and I had the overwhelming feeling that I wanted her to leave me alone.  I've never felt like that before.  Afterall she is my best friend.  And she had just experienced a miracle.  What the hell was wrong with me.

When I started driving the tears came.  And then the panic.  She left me in the dust.  I was supposed to get pregnant first.  She was the one with all the really bad problems.  Why not me, why not me, what about me.   I screamed.  One of those pathetic tribal screams you do when you are on a roller coaster.  I guess I thought as long as we both weren't pregnant I could deal.  But now I'm the only one left.  Every single one of my friends is pregnant or has a child (except the one single girl in our group), but me.  I love them.  I'm happy for them.  Ecstatic for M.  But so so sad for me.  

I rested this afternoon and found joy playing my dog.  Thank God for dogs.  One look into Bailey's sweet face and all the pain goes away.  We had a nice long walk and now I'm feeling a lot better.  And from this posting I can tell that I'm feeling more rational about the whole thing.  Its gotta be the clomid.  I don't react like that.  I don't scream.  I didn't get crazy on 50mgs at all.  I'm now on 100mg.  So I think that must be it.  

On a lighter note.....
I realized that I never got around to posting about the fabulous wedding that the husband and I attended last weekend.  The wedding was held at the Carneros Inn in Napa Valley.  The Inn was beautiful, and the setting was perfect for a wedding.  But the best part was the wine.  They served
Gloria Ferrer Carneros Cuvee
Cakebread Cellars Chardonnay, Napa Valley
ZD Pinot Noir, Carneros  
and Hope and Grace Cabernet, Napa Valley

Like a good girl I sampled them all.  And the husband and I were in complete agreement that the ZD Pinot Noir was the best.  I highly recommend this one to those like me, who prefer white wines.  I was surprised by the utter yumminess the ZD since I usually skip the Pinots.  


SAHW said...

I had a very similar experience a couple of months ago, which led me to start my blog...what you said sounded so very much like how I felt. When my friend told me she was pregnant, we were in the middle of a huge park, yet I started feeling claustrophobic too. Of course I was thrilled for her, but it still was hard being left behind...

I found that the initial acceptance was hardest, but I can take it pretty well now. It helps tremendously that she is keeping her pregnancy on the down-low and that in general she isn't obsessing over it. Hopefully your friend will also be as understanding.

Polly Gamwich said...

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your situation. I know all too well what that's like. All my friends have 2 and 3 kids - it's lonely.

I hope your upped dose of Clomid does the trick.

And I love the Carneros Inn; heck, you're in my neck of the woods. (well Bay Area)


Melissa said...

I'm so very sorry. :( Sounds like a terrible experience, and I know exactly how you feel.. I have a friend who was "supposed" to be the one who had trouble getting pg too.. And while it took them a little while..she still got pg before me.. I felt a little like that too.. It took a few weeks, but I'm not angry anymore.. just happy for her..

Peachy said...

I am so sorry. I have a friend also who is not in the best marriage and she decided to go off the pill. Of course she gets pregnant the first try and then she ignored me for weeks because she didn't want to tell me. Ever since I had the miscarriage I can barely even talk to her since she calls her baby "it." Don't ask, IF makes you crazy sometimes.

osuraj said...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. There is comfort in not being "the only one" of your friends having IF issues. As for the Clomid crazies...I definitely think that's normal. It sucks but it happens to a lot of us. Hopefully you'll start feeling better soon!

Stephanie said...

I'm sorry you had such a rough time. It is so hard to feel left behind or alone in this. None of my friends are even trying to get pregnant let alone understand the pain of infertility and having trouble TTC. I feel very alone in this a lot of the time. I've had similar reactions to coworkers announcing they are pregnant and a very good friend who got pregnant by accident. I just break down in a mess of sobbing. After our miscarriage I have had a few moments where I scream while I'm driving. The 'it's not fair' or 'why me' that is rining in my head just has to come out sometimes.

JamieD said...

Those moments are terribly hard and sometimes even worse because I don't see them coming. I have two close friends who both started trying after I did and now both have their babies. Most of the time I am fine around them, but sometimes I feel like I need to run away.


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