Wednesday, June 25, 2008

2 tearless days

I'm feeling much better.  I think the outpouring of well wishes here and the support of my family did the trick.  Well and the time to think things through.  The thought that I'm hanging onto is that things couldn't get worse.  They can only get better.   Right?  I really can't take anything else.  Last week was so hard for me.  1.  Bad news about the fibroid returning and me having to be gutted in order to chop it out for good.  2.  Bad news about the sperm sample and cancelled IUI (after clomid, finding 2 nice follies, and doing the trigger shot...  what a waste).  3.  Last Saturday we found out that my young and fertile sister in-law is pregnant.  This was my low.  I still haven't congratulated them.  I know it is totally wrong and hateful and I need to suck it up and be a good person.  But the thought of doing it still makes me feel like throwing up.  Pathetic.  I know.  I'm sure that in a couple of days (or weeks)  I'll be able to call them and wish them well.  Just not yet.  Maybe I'll send a card.  Then I won't have to actually talk to them (they live in Denver so I don't have to actually interact with them until Thanksgiving, and hopefully by then I'll either be my normal loving self again or pregnant or both).    

When I told my parents about the impending gutting and  my Dad started to cry.  My Dad doesn't cry.  The one time I witnessed tears in his eyes was when his Dad died.  And my mom told me that the only other times were when his Mom died and when their baby daughter (born before me) died.  He freaked out because he thought the operation and fibroid would prevent me from ever having a kid of my own.  After I told him that the whole point was to get me good and pregnant he calmed down and started to try to make plans for him and my Mom to come and stay with me during the recovery.  And my younger brother (my angel), totally calmed me down after I wigged out on my husband and blamed him for all my fertility issues since he wanted to wait to try to have a baby and wouldn't listen to reason about the likelihood of the fibroid growing back and its probable impact on conception.  I never knew my brother to be so wise.  He knew just what to say to calm me down and get me to think clearly.  From 3000 miles away, he could hear through my sobs and give me direction.  He convinced me to go back and apologize to my husband (turns out I didn't need to as he knew it was the grief/anger/scared person talking not me).  My brother has checked in on me every day since and has already talked to his boss about coming to stay with me during the recovery.  My family is awesome!

I am truly thankful to everyone who has spouted some kind words to me on this blog.   Even thought I tried to avoid blogging, I kept getting all these nice comments since they get copied to my email address.  So it was much easier to come back here.  And honestly, I did miss this.  I think it keeps me grounded.

So since all the craziness I've gone ahead and scheduled the surgery for  September 9th.  I have a water ultrasound scheduled for July 11th.  So I guess we are on a break for now.  It will probably take a while for my uterus to heal post surgery so I don't know when we could go back to our IUI schedule.  My acupuncturist said to come in a week or 2 after surgery and he will help me to heal faster.  I think I will do that.

Anyway, not to sure what the content on this blog will be for the next couple of months.  Maybe all the great shopping I'll be doing to make myself feel better about all this.  Hmmmm.


JamieD said...

Isn't it awesome how family and friends can come together? I mean, I ~know~ my family and friends love me, but when they go above and beyond for me when I really need it - I am just always amazed.

I am so, so sorry about your lows coming blow after blow. I hope your surgery is picture perfect - keep us updated!

Stephanie said...

It sounds like you have an *amazing* family. I hope they can help you to feel comforted and to heal after your surgery.

As for the very fertile sil...I'd say send a card for now, then when you are ready, you can talk to them. I had a coworker who announce she was pg with twins a week after my m/c...and I still haven't congratulated her. I feel bad about it, but it just hurt too much to do it.

Hang in there. We are always here for you to laugh with, cry with, scream with, or throw things with...whatever you need! ((hugs))

JackiJaguar said...

I just want to send you a ((((bighug))). I'm sorry you have so much going on. I'm also glad your family rocks.

Alison said...

Hey Besty... just catching up on your recent entries (I was a little behind). I'm so sorry about the recent developments, but I'm so glad you have a plan to move forward. Sept will be here and gone before you know it!
--Alison (MyABCLife)