Thursday, May 14, 2009

scared

For some reason last night was really hard for me.  Well to tell you the truth most of yesterday was hard for me.  I'm not sure why I felt so much worse.  But I did.  
I started the day out feeling pretty o.k.  Unpacked a little and took care of my disability paperwork etc.  Emailed my boss and felt connected to the world again.  So I decided to go to Target and pick up a few things.  While there a work friend called me up to invite me out to lunch or dinner with some of the other ladies who apparently miss me.  I told her I didn't think I was ready and then the conversation got weird for me.  I know she meant well blah blah blah but I all I heard was judgement and I felt very pressured.  "What do you do all day, you shouldn't be alone, you can try again, etc. etc."  I burst into tears in the freezer bags aisle.  It was awful.  I tried to explain that I wasn't ready and that I'd have to call her back and she said how she felt responsible for getting me out and back into the world and how the lab would blame her if I said no.  Ughhhh.  I hung up.   Tried to finish up my shopping and power through.  Went to lunch.  Did some more shopping.  But I just felt off.  When I got home I took down the little memory box and looked at Lydia's picture and wept.  I tried to keep decorating and crap but I couldn't.  I think I must have pushed myself to far.  Then when my cell phone rang I noticed it was another work person.  I didn't answer.  
By the time K got home I was really anxious and couldn't explain why.  I told him about the stupid phone call and how it upset me all day.  He tried to comfort me.  And since the season finale of Lost was on we both felt like I would cheer up.  Well I enjoyed the finale.  But I still felt uneasy.  And when we went to bed I got a little hysterical.  It finally came out that I was scared silly.  Scared that I'm just not meant to be a mother to a live child.  Scared that the endo or fibroids will come back.  Scared that my frosties won't survive the thaw process and we'll have to do another fresh IVF and scared that that won't work either.  Then I'll be 34 and I never wanted to be an older mom, and we had better start looking at adoption now because I'm never going to be able to do this again.  I'm scared that even if I get pregnant I'll have an earlier miscarriage an never make it to get the cerclage.  I'm scared the cerclage surgery will hurt me or the baby.  I'm scared that it will fail anyway.  And if I were to have another late loss how the hell would my sanity survive.

All this came spilling out of my mind and into K's ear.  Poor guy.  I'm going to drag him down into crazy town with me.  He told me that we just have to try and to try to rest.  I ended up just watching tv to calm me down enough to sleep.  I don't like this feeling.  

19 comments:

♥Tabitha said...

Ugh...anxiety is the WORST. All those worries and questions and wondering "what if" get me every time. I've never experienced a loss like you have, but I have expeirenced anxiety and questioning God and "why me?". I'm praying that you find comfort and peace in knowing that God is holding you in the palm of His hand and that He wants the world for you, and will bless you. Trust Him, He'll carry you through the really hard days. (((HUGS)))

janessa said...

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Your co-irker was way out of line and I'm sorry that she couldn't see the hurt on your face or hear it in your voice enough to know that she needed to back off.

((hugs)) Do you have a framed picture of Lydia in your new home? Would that help? Maybe not. I'm so sorry. People don't understand because they haven't been through it. They don't understand that you need time to process everything that went on, and eventually you'll look forward, but now is not that time. You need time and they need to respect that.

I'm so sorry people can be assholes.

Mo and Will said...

Oh Echloe,

I want to throttle your co-worker. I'm sure she was well-meaning but that was the last thing you needed to hear. Sounds like she really put pressure on you - and guilt-tripping. totally uncalled for.

It's Ok that you're not ready to go out and socialize. It's Ok that you don't know what the future will bring. How could you? When the anxiety starts taking on a life of its own, see if you can notice and try not to get too too far ahead of yourself. you'll take it all one step at a time, when you're ready.

you're in my thoughts. every day. hang in there.

Mo

Ariella said...

I am sorry your co-irkers don't get it. I am sure they had the best of intentions but that doesn't mean that their actions weren't hurtful.

It is okay that you aren't ready to go out in public with others yet. Take all the time you need and then take it as slowly as you need to. No one has the right to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing at this point.

As for the anxiety of what the future holds, no one knows and that is scary for so many people. But I do hope and pray that for you it includes a living healthy child.

((((((HUGS))))))

Dora said...

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. I agree that your coworker was completely out of line. Being scared is a normal response to what you've been through.

MAK-now said...

Bets,

I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this. I'm sure they meant well but it's like all they focus on is trying to make you feel better, then the result is the opposite.

Please keep your head up & your hopes high, k?

MabelB said...

You have been through so much. What you are feeling sounds more than normal to me, and your whole attitude to trying to pick up the pieces of the horror you've been through shows that you are one strong, brave woman.

Have you spoken to an obstetrician/ RE that you trust about your fears? It depends how you personally like to deal with stuff but it may be worth getting the rational, medical reassurance to your concerns to anchor yourself to when everything overwhelms you.

I am no psychologist but it sounds to me like all this is your bruised mind and soul working it's way through the last few months, facing it and dealing with it in a very healthy and normal way. My thoughts are with you.

Astrid said...

Your co worker is selfish. She's trying to make herself feel better by convincing herself that she's done all she can to help. That she's fulfilled her responsibilities as a friend. But she's totally disregarded the important thing in the relationship which is that you are hurting. Take all the time you need before getting back into the swing of things. Eff 'em. If they're real friends they will understand - and even if they can't, because who can really understand a situation like this unless they've lived through it - they will be there for you no matter what and will treat you the way you need to be treated regardless of how hopeless they feel.

Take. all. the time. you need!

strongblonde said...

i totally agree with Mo.

i wish i could give you a hug.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

I alwasy keep you in my prayers. I know it's a horrible feeling to be scared but as cliche as it sounds time heals all to a degree and I hope your time will come soon and this will all be a memory when you're holding your precious baby and you can tell him/her all about your beautiful Lydia.

Andrea said...

I am sorry you had such a rough day. I really hope your work friend got it, and that they will let you grieve on your own schedule. ((HUGS))

Slytherpuff said...

Your work friend is an idiot. Why on earth is she making this all about HER? The lab would blame her? God I hate people sometimes.

You don't need to do ANYTHING that you're not ready for. What you're going through is perfectly normal. Like Mo said above, take it one day (or one hour, one minute) at a time.

Hugs.

Jennifer said...

People who haven't been there don't understand. Your friends intentions may have meant well but that is not the way things turned out. Janessa said it best calling her a "co-irker".

Busted said...

I'm sorry you're going through this - just wanted to let you know it's SO normal though. I could have written this post shortly after our loss. The fears and anxiety haven't gone away for me, but they've diminished somewhat. For a while I couldn't go anywhere in public really at all. The only way to deal with it I think is to face it. The "what if"s are awful to worry about, but just take it one step at a time.

militarywifealways said...

I am sorry honey, and I don't think your going to crazy town you just need your time ((((Hugs)))

Clio said...

sweetie... hugs hugs and more hugs to you.
oh, at least you can spill all this fear and anxiety here. We are here for you and we understand, each one of those on your list.
You do need a break though. do you think you can possibly have a real life therapist of counselor to talk to during this time? because just speaking out loud takes a lot from the power this darkness has over us. It's helpful.

Michelle said...

Oh sweetie I am sorry. That was very insensitive. Really people need to understand that you need time. I am thinking of you!

carley said...

I have no words. All I can say is that I had the same anxiety and felt the same things when I m/c'd our baby at 16w4d due to a weakened cervix. It's tough. I don't think I will ever look at pregnancy the same way again or be so naive. Which is how I feel I treated my last pregnancy. Blissfully happy, oblivious that my cervix was slowly stretching.

The truth is, you can't fight or control what you are feeling, it's going to take time and even when you think you are comfortable and ready to be pregnant again, you are going to be faced with a whole new set of fears. It's tough. Which seems like a bad word to describe it, there really is no words that can.

meinsideout said...

I am so sorry. I will hold you in my thoughts tonight.