I started the day out feeling pretty o.k. Unpacked a little and took care of my disability paperwork etc. Emailed my boss and felt connected to the world again. So I decided to go to Target and pick up a few things. While there a work friend called me up to invite me out to lunch or dinner with some of the other ladies who apparently miss me. I told her I didn't think I was ready and then the conversation got weird for me. I know she meant well blah blah blah but I all I heard was judgement and I felt very pressured. "What do you do all day, you shouldn't be alone, you can try again, etc. etc." I burst into tears in the freezer bags aisle. It was awful. I tried to explain that I wasn't ready and that I'd have to call her back and she said how she felt responsible for getting me out and back into the world and how the lab would blame her if I said no. Ughhhh. I hung up. Tried to finish up my shopping and power through. Went to lunch. Did some more shopping. But I just felt off. When I got home I took down the little memory box and looked at Lydia's picture and wept. I tried to keep decorating and crap but I couldn't. I think I must have pushed myself to far. Then when my cell phone rang I noticed it was another work person. I didn't answer.
By the time K got home I was really anxious and couldn't explain why. I told him about the stupid phone call and how it upset me all day. He tried to comfort me. And since the season finale of Lost was on we both felt like I would cheer up. Well I enjoyed the finale. But I still felt uneasy. And when we went to bed I got a little hysterical. It finally came out that I was scared silly. Scared that I'm just not meant to be a mother to a live child. Scared that the endo or fibroids will come back. Scared that my frosties won't survive the thaw process and we'll have to do another fresh IVF and scared that that won't work either. Then I'll be 34 and I never wanted to be an older mom, and we had better start looking at adoption now because I'm never going to be able to do this again. I'm scared that even if I get pregnant I'll have an earlier miscarriage an never make it to get the cerclage. I'm scared the cerclage surgery will hurt me or the baby. I'm scared that it will fail anyway. And if I were to have another late loss how the hell would my sanity survive.
All this came spilling out of my mind and into K's ear. Poor guy. I'm going to drag him down into crazy town with me. He told me that we just have to try and to try to rest. I ended up just watching tv to calm me down enough to sleep. I don't like this feeling.