I thought my parents would get this. Sadly, they lost my 1 year old sister (born and died before me) due to a choking accident. They know what it is like to lose a baby daughter. Yes it is different. They knew their baby. They had her for a year. But still they know loss. And my stupid dad calls me everyday in his stupid happy singsong voice asking me how I'm doing. How the f do you think I'm doing is what I wish I could say. Instead I just choke out "the same". He sends me retarded emails saying that I'll pick myself up from this just like when I was kid and fell off my bike and just picked myself up and got back on. I'm sorry dad but it doesn't work like that. I just can't get up. I wish I could. This is NOT THE SAME!!! Conversations with my dad are down to about 20 seconds. That is all I can take. Then my mom gets on the phone. She says she wants me not to fade into depression. Excuse me mom. I just lost my baby. Just. I am not depressed. I am in grief. I am in love with a baby who I'll never get to see again. Why can't they just let me get over it in my way. It has only been a frickin week. I just don't get them. And I'm pissed at them. I've never ever raised my voice to my mother like I did during our last conversation. And I don't care if it hurt her. She hurt me when she said I just can't keep on crying all the time. So I told her what you guys have been telling me. I'm allowed to grieve. I'm allowed time. And I don't have time or energy to worry about her or dad's feelings. The only person I can muster up the energy to care for besides me is K. And the rest of my energy goes to Bailey. Thats it. Thats all I have.
K went back to work today so I'm on my own. I'm hoping that the packing will keep my mind busy. One box done so far today.