Monday, May 4, 2009

Stages and boxes

I have no idea when you are supposed to feel the different stages of grief.  But I do know that today I'm mad.  I'm mad at God.  I'm mad at my doctors.  And I'm mad at my parents.  
I thought my parents would get this.  Sadly, they lost my 1 year old sister (born and died before me) due to a choking accident.  They know what it is like to lose a baby daughter.  Yes it is different.  They knew their baby.  They had her for a year.  But still they know loss.  And my stupid dad calls me everyday in his stupid happy singsong voice asking me how I'm doing.  How the f do you think I'm doing is what I wish I could say.  Instead I just choke out "the same".  He sends me retarded emails saying that I'll pick myself up from this just like when I was kid and fell off my bike and just picked myself up and got back on.  I'm sorry dad but it doesn't work like that.  I just can't get up.  I wish I could.  This is NOT THE SAME!!!  Conversations with my dad are down to about 20 seconds.  That is all I can take.  Then my mom gets on the phone.  She says she wants me not to fade into depression.  Excuse me mom.  I just lost my baby.  Just.  I am not depressed.  I am in grief.  I am in love with a baby who I'll never get to see again.  Why can't they just let me get over it in my way.  It has only been a frickin week.  I just don't get them.  And I'm pissed at them.  I've never ever raised my voice to my mother like I did during our last conversation.  And I don't care if it hurt her.  She hurt me when she said I just can't keep on crying all the time.  So I told her what you guys have been telling me.  I'm allowed to grieve.  I'm allowed time.  And I don't have time or energy to worry about her or dad's feelings.  The only person I can muster up the energy to care for besides me is K.  And the rest of my energy goes to Bailey.  Thats it.  Thats all I have.  

K went back to work today so I'm on my own.  I'm hoping that the packing will keep my mind busy.  One box done so far today.  

25 comments:

Busted said...

I remember how hard it was when my husband went back to work after our loss. I didn't want to be alone but didn't want anyone but him around. I'm sorry your parents aren't being more understanding; I think sometimes the people that love us just want to wipe away the grief and sadness but don't realize how important it is to work through them. Still thinking of you all the time. You're right, you are NOT depressed - you have barely even had time to get over the shock of your loss. It is perfectly normal grief that will last for some time.

Jenny (mrsgarza) said...

I lost several friendships when I had a miscarriage 10 years ago, because they did not understand what I as going through. They were impatient with my grief, and thought I should "get over it." In the case of your parents, I think they mean well, but they probably do not know what to say. Hang in there, and know that you have the right to your emotions. We are here for you too.

Kristin said...

You just take as long as you need to feel whatever you feel. Let the emotions come... no one can tell you or expect you to just shut them off. I'm so so sorry for you.

Beth said...

You are doing everything right. I wish I could do something to help. ((HUGS))

Andrea said...

You DO need time to grieve and you are allowed all the time you need. I agree with Busted that it's probably very hard for your parents to see you in such pain, so they just want you to feel better. I am so sorry they aren't "getting it". Many ((HUGS)) and prayers your way.

Rose's Daughter said...

No one can tell you when you are done grieving, but you. Remember that. Don't feel guilty, don't hide your feelings and cry when you need to. I remember trying to put on a happy face to everyone, and I think that made my depression last longer. Don't feel bad about the parents. They might not get it, but it's ok. So do what you need to do to get past this. I'll keep prayers coming your way.

Ariella said...

I am so sorry sweetie that your parents aren't more understanding. How can they not get how much pain you are in? Sending you a big hug.

Melissia said...

Maybe it would help to say exactly what you just said us to your mom and dad. Because sometime people don't get it, but if you put it just that way, I think they will. Sit them down and say to them "When Sister died and you both knew that all the time that you were ever going to have with her on this earth was over and that you were going to have to live the rest of your life without her, you were sad and you grieved, and I hope that your family and friends honored and supported that. And that is what I need from you now, the time and support and understanding that grief for the death of a child is a process that take time.
And if at times you don't know what to do or how to help me then ask and I will tell you, but my daughter was just as real to me as your daughter was to you, as I will miss her as long as I live.
(I hope this helps open a conversation, I added, the last part because sometimes men don't get that babies are real to moms even before they are born.)

rls07 said...

I'm so sorry that no one understands your grief. I wish that I could also take the pain away and that your daughter could come back to you. It's not fair. (((Hugs))) I hope that you find peace. I also agree with the previous poster who said that you should say the exact same thing to your parents. It might help.

Clio said...

Echloe dear, I'm just now learning about your terrible loss. I am in tears for you, K and little Lydia as I write this.
I am so sorry. So truly sorry, and cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing now.
The difficult feeling that your body betrayed you in such a drastic manner, and keeps betraying you now with the milk situation.
You have every right to take as long as you need to grieve this. You have every right to be angry. Only you will know the steps of your process. Please seek the help of friends in real life as well, when you can, even if they don't understand, but can keep you company, make you some tea, or anything comforting. You need that. You need people around you helping take care of you. How nice that your MIL is saying all the right things.
Huge, comforting hugs
healing blessings
clio

Michelle said...

My heart just breaks for you. I know it is hard when people, especially your parents, do not seem to understand your grief. And really I don't think anyone can because it is your grief and no one elses. You can take all the time you want.
This has got to be so hard on you. I have had 4 loses but they were early in the pregnancy. That was hard enough and I can't even pretend to know what you feel like. Just please know that I am here to lend an ear whenever you need it. Try to hang in there and take good care of yourself. I am sending you lots of love and hugs!

hopefaithlove said...

So sorry sweetie. If they are not making you feel comfortable you need to stay away from them for a while, you are allowed to grieve as long as you need.

hopefaithlove said...

So sorry sweetie. If they are not making you feel comfortable you need to stay away from them for a while, you are allowed to grieve as long as you need.

carley said...

This month marks 7m since I lost our baby at 16w4d due to an incompetent cervix. The real kick in the gut is that I had a 'normal' first pg and did not have anything that would indicate I had a weakened cervix (OBGYN says it could be something as simple as just the weight from carrying my first child).

I started spotting and contacted my Dr. Was told "it's normal but let's schedule an u/s to check on things". The night before the u/s it changed from brown spotting to bright red and then my waters broke. We raced to to the hospital, but obviously it was too late. :0(

I ask myself the same questions What could I have done differently? Should I have been more vocal about the spotting? How could I have not known something was wrong? I should have rested more! But what it comes down to is, you can't beat yourself up forever and while it does take time, you will heal, I promise. The first few weeks home from the hospital I kept waking up hearing a baby crying, it was horrible. And to add more pain to the mix, 3 of my friends were pg at the same time as me and now they are all holding their babies.

And you know what? I think it was several months before I stopped crying. No one can tell you when YOU should feel better, only you can do that. Healing does not happen overnight, it takes a long time and while you will heal, you will never forget.

That was what was hard for me. While I had a good support network of friends, it only lasted so long before they moved on while I was still not ready to. I felt like I was bothering them by talking to them about it. My husband was awesome and while he 'healed' sooner, he was always there for me when I needed to cry or to rant about it or be sad or be angry.

hugs.

GypsyEsq said...

I am still so sorry for your loss and have been thinking of you and your sweet Lydia. I hope your parents come around and start supporting you in a way that is helpful. Sometimes parents and loved ones really do say that worst things that hurt all the more because they *should* understand. Grieve all you need to, there's never a timeline on grief, and know that there are many of us out here thinking of you daily.

We have Angel Wings said...

It amazes me how people do not get it. I don't understand how they don't get it, but they just don't.

You're right, you shouldn't have to worry about their feelings, you're just trying to make it through each day the best you can and the best you know how.

I'm always thinking about you and wishing there was more that I could do or say, so please know that if you ever need an ear, I'm here.


T

t.bird said...

i'm sorry they don't understand. take all the time you need- and you have every right to feel the way you feel <3

Heather said...

I'm sorry about your daughter. So, so sorry.
It seems to me that the ones closest to us are the ones who screw it up the most. I'm sorry your parent's don't get it. Mine don't either, but they haven't ever had a loss. I can see why you would be even more frustrated with them. Grief is a cycle you get to go through over and over. So, anger is now...you'll move past it on to something else, and then wake up mad again. Everytime I think I'm done being mad at God, I am thrust back into it. I bounce mostly between anger and deep sorrow now days. At one point I stopped being mad at God over his death. I used to feel like it was a drive by shooting from God. Then I came to terms with the fact that Logan would have been a very sick little boy, and I felt a little better...until I decided to get mad at God for making my little boy sick. Why my little boy (he had Down Syndrome). Why my egg? Why that month? The doc's call it a fluke, a 1/900 chance at 31. My point is...it's all normal. All of the tears, all of the anger. Give yourself over to it. Don't fight it. And tune out the people around you who think you should get over it. Seems to me it takes several years to accept it...but no one gets over it. I still cry. My DH still cries. Cry all you want. Then punch something.

Inanna said...

"I just can't keep on crying all the time."

Oh YES you can. Yes you can. I cried so much I had ice packs on my eyes for a week at night, they were so swollen. What a sight... ice packs on my eyes, in my bra... and still, nothing would numb the pain. Nothing.

I am so beyond-words sorry that your little Lydia isn't still safe in your womb, mama. I can't even tell you. Words fail.

The biggest of HUGS to you on this dark, dark journey... :(

Mrs. Spit said...

I remember when Mr. Spit went back to work. It was a really hard day.

Sending hugs and abiding.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and light.

Maria said...

I just learned of your loss from Bella and Her Fella, and I just wanted to express how horrible I feel for you and DH.

It doesn't matter how mean or angry you are at your parents (who seem well-meaning....even though this is obviously NOT a bike ride), they are still going to love you. I'm glad you're not worried about hurting their feelings right now......it's not the most important thing for you to deal with. I hope packing helps, too.

Thinking of you....

Anonymous said...

I think often times when people don't know what to say to a grieving person, they end up saying inappropriate or hurtful things instead of being honest and saying, "I don't know what to say." It sounds like your parents are in that situation right now. Its not that they don't care, even though it feels that way. Its just that they don't know what to say, so they end up with foot in mouth disease.

Kritta22 said...

I remember when I had to go back to work. Dealing with other people's problems seemed like nothing compared to my pain. i felt so alone.
You are doing things right.
Sending you hugs from Alaska.
Krista

Dana said...

I am so sorry that you have to go on living without your daughter and I hate that your parents are not being very supportive. It has been seven months since my own daughter passed away at 23w due to Trisomy 18. I, too, had people in my life who I thought would 'get it'. Sadly, they were the ones who did or said nothing or the wrong things.

Keep crying--don't try to hold it in. Your parents will either come around, or they won't. You have to worry about you and your husband right now.

You and your husband are in my prayers.