The week before last, K and I went to a support group meeting. I did not like it at all. It didn't make me feel any better. In fact it just made me really really sad to hear all the dead baby stories. I think it helped K though. He talked quite a bit during the session. I think it is something that will be helpful to him since he doesn't have access to all the outlets I have (besides the dog). So I will probably go to the one this Wednesday too if he wants to go.
Monday, May 18, 2009
What constitutes therapy?
So I've been thinking about seeing a therapist. Just thinking. I'm not really sure it is for me. And I'm not really sure it will help me. Do people go to therapy when their parents or spouses die? Why does it seem to everyone that this is something I need to pursue to "get better"? Don't get me wrong, I am considering it. But deep down I feel like I'm doing things that are helping me cope. I walk and play with my dog. He listens to my hopes and fears and doesn't ever judge. I write on this blog. Read and comment on other blogs; and comment on an incompetent cervix message board, and several loss boards. I've been seeing friends (thanks Janessa), and talking to family. Yes I have my occasional freak outs. But for the most part I feel normal. Sad and missing my baby but normal. I go out everyday to run errands and only cry if assy co-irkers aggravate me. And I'm even looking forward to going away this weekend on what was to be our 'babymoon'. Aren't these good things?
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15 comments:
I think those are all good things, and I think only you know what is best for you and what will help you get through this terrible time. For some, therapy is great, but I don't think it is something that everyone needs. I personally knew it wasn't for me and much preferred working through the grief on my own, and I do think I've made it this far just fine and somewhat resented when commenters on the blog would urge me to go to therapy every time I had a "down" post. You have as much time as you want or need to heal, and as much time as you want or need to determine whether you are making it through ok on your own or if you need someone else to talk to. And in the meantime we are all here for you anytime.
If you dont feel like you need therapy, maybe you dont need it. It does sound like you have a lot of methods of helping you cope with your loss already. Like you, I didn't like the support group meeting offered at my hospital b/c it also felt like one huge pity party and was really sad. I had never been to one before though, so it was good to see what it was like. I also haven't been to therapy before, so perhaps there's something to it that we dont know about. Maybe you could just try it out and see if it's your thing...you never know, it could be wonderful. If it's not, you could just stop going.
There was something liberating in knowing I was paying for someone to listen to me, for an entire hour.
It wasn't a long term relationship, but it was helpful, if for no other reason than it normalized what I was feeling.
I say do whatever you think works for you, not everyone is the same if we were what a boring place this would be
I too say to do whatever gives you comfort and healing, whatever that may be, in any form, by any method.
I went to therapy about 12 years ago for matters unrelated to IF, and like Mrs. Spit, it felt great just to get it out and my therapist was so great, so objective, had no investment in outcomes other than healing.
I have contemplated therapy at times during this journey as the lows have been so low and the highs have been so high. I am trying to trust my heart on this and if I need/want/have to, I will. I will hold you in my thoughts.
Therapy may help. It may not.
I went to a couple therapy sessions trying to deal with my own TTC issues and after the first session, it ended up being another source of stress - trying to come up with new things to discuss. I was much happier when I stopped going.
You know yourself best, and deep down you know what you need to heal.
I think people suggest it because they aren't really sure what to say or how to say it. They want to be there for you, but haven't walked in your shoes. So they offer up what they *think* would help.
You're doing a great job. I don't think that's been said enough. You're working your way through emotions, feelings, judgement and grief, and you're doing a fantastic job at just that.
It was great to see you, I'm happy I could help.
I've been to about three therapists in my life for various reasons. It always seemed like a good idea at the time, 'cause that's what people do to deal with things, right? But after each one, I regretted having gone and having forked over so much money for what I felt like was kind of a scam. I'll probably never do it again. I just got frustrated because no one knows me like I do - despite referrals and accolades, I couldn't figure out why these particular people were qualified to help me (they didn't help) and I was suspicious and skeptical and I too have plenty of outlets to help me through pain (including my wonderful dogs!). So my hope for you is that if you decide against it, do not let it be one of those things you always question 'what if.' 'Cause it's one of those things where you can't go wrong if you follow your gut instinct. It's very very possible, and I think likely, for an introspective, mentally sound individual such as yourself, that you don't need it.
I understand exactly what you are talking out. People really encouraged me to see a therapist after my dad very unexpectedly passed away. I went a few times and it just wasn't right for me. I am a huge advocate for therapy, but it wasn't what I needed at the time to help me deal with losing my dad. I think you are doing a fantastic job and there is nothing wrong with being sad over Lydia's passing. The pain and sadness won't go away over night and people shouldn't expect you to "feel better" already. These things take time!
it sounds like you have lots of coping mechanisms and great support people in place! only you will know if you need therapy, no one can tell you that.
I think that many people think that going into therapy is like a magic fix---the doctor will "heal" you. It sounds like you already have your own form of therapy and you are doing just fine. I did not go to therapy when I lost my mother and earlier when I lost not only my baby but my fiance. I just took it one day at a time and had my own support network.
I think you have to do what feels right for you. If that's not therapy, don't go. I think everyone deals differently, do what's best for you. ((HUGS))
I think all those things are great things and you should not do anything that does not feel right to you. People tell me this all the time but I have never liked therapy because I do not think they can be objective if they just hear my side of things. Anyway that is just my opinion. I do occasionally go to a support group because I like that format better but I don't like to go all the time because I too find it very depressing. Plus they always spew stats that don't make me feel better, like "if you want to get pregant with IVF don't do it in my home state, its not good". Yeah thanks for that info.
You have to do what is right for you and what is going to make you feel better. If what you are doing works then I say go for it. I hope you enjoy this weekend away!
You are in my thoughts always.
All the previous commenters have pretty much said it all, but I did want to respond to your question:
"Do people go to therapy when their parents or spouses die?"
My mom died in 2007 of breast cancer. I was 29. For me personally, therapy was the best thing I could have done for myself and my marriage. I was paying someone to listen to me emotionally dump, when it seemed that everyone else thought I should just get over it already.
But yeah, everybody has their own path. Just wanted to respond from my own experience...
I'm thinking about you, and know you'll do what's best for you.
i think that this is similar to, but also different than, a spouse or sib dying. i think that therapy could help, drugs could even help. everyone is different.
still thinking lots about you
xoxo
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