Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Day 1

Didn't think I'd be excited as I was to get my period .   But I had a tiny feeling of joy, mixed with relief.  Only someone who is waiting to cycle understands this weird feeling I'm talking about.  To someone in this position,  cycle day one is a clean slate.  Its the start of a potentially BFPful month.  Well that won't be happening to me this month of course.  I started BCPs today.  Yesterday when I was at the pharmacy I thought for a second to pick up some OPKs because we could potentially have one of those break cycle BFPs.  Then I got back to reality.  BCPs Betsy.  You aren't getting pregnant this month Betsy.  You are on the pill again.  And you are having surgery that would harm a pregnancy anyway.   
I'm still excited to start BCPs again.  It means I'm that much closer to my FET.  I was also excited to call my RE office to get my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I'll hear back in a day or 2 when the surgery will take place.  I just want to get this surgery over with so I can concentrate on making my uterus a happy place again.  So I have things to look forward to.  

I discussed this odd feeling of hope with my therapist yesterday.  So yes I did decide to see a therapist.  So far I'm not sure that it is helping anything.  But I've only been to see her twice and realize that these things should take a long long time to work out.   It seems to me that she does quite a bit of the talking.  I imagined that she would just ask me lots of questions while I lay on the couch reflecting.  Nope.  There is a couch.  But I just sit on it.  I'll keep going.  I'm sort of curious to see how much this is going to help me.  Anyway, yesterday we discussed how conflicting it is to feel hope for a future pregnancy when I am still grieving the loss of Lydia.  The trick is to balance it.  And to not feel guilty about feeling hope.  This of course is much easier said than done.

7 comments:

Ariella said...

It would be very tricky to balance the hope for the future with the pain and loss of the past.

I am thinking about you and sending you lots of good thoughts for the surgery and then the FET.

((((((HUGS))))))))

Michelle said...

Definitely a hard thing to balance. I hope that it does get easier someday. I am happy to hear you have things to look forward to, we all need that. ((HUGS))

♥Tabitha said...

Hope is a good thing! I too was excited to start BCP's this month (for my upcoming IVF) and it was strange, but empowering. Made me feel like I was finally taking control of the situation instead of the other way arround!!

carley said...

Yay I'm so happy it started. It was 58 days from my loss until my first period. Was so happy to see my first real period.

Bella said...

Woohoo for CD1 and starting BCPs!! You are on your way! I am thinking of and praying for you. I so hope this FET leads to your healthy, full-term baby!

meinsideout said...

It is bittersweet, I am sorry. And you know what - if you want to lay on the couch, lay on it.

B MoM said...

i haven't been to a therapist before, but i have friends who have. They say that therapists have different techniques and so you have to find one that uses a technique that works well for you. If you find yourself still disenfranchised after a couple of appts., I'd try another one, just to be sure that its not the technique that isn't floating your boat.