I hope that it helps you to understand my upcoming posts should you chose to visit again.
So in 2004 while on the pill I had some weird spotting. I asked my doctor about it and she had me take a pregnancy test. My first beta. I was scared out of my mind. Could I be pregnant? We hadn't been married for even a year yet? What would people think? What would this do to my career?
The test was negative. Several ultrasounds later they confirmed that I had a baseball sized fibroid in my uterus that needed to be removed. I had surgery a few weeks later and but the doctor wasn't a very skilled surgeon and the only removed about 1/4 of the fibroid tissue. Besides the pain and heavy bleeding I didn't really care. I wasn't ready to be a mom yet. And K was not ready to be a dad. But in another year the mommy feelings hit me like an ultimate frisbee to the head. All of a sudden I feared for my fertility. I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy. I wanted a child. And I thought we should start trying. Two years later he finally agreed. Well by then we had moved and I was seeing a new GYN who was this so called fibroid expert and insisted that the fibroid come out before we could really try because I would most definitely miscarry any conceived children very early on with that large fibroid. We had the surgery and afterward he said to "get to it". That to come back in 6 months if we weren't pregnant, but he doubted we wouldn't be. Well after waking up daily to check temps, learning the wonders of cervical mucus and spending a fortune on OPKs we still were not pregnant. Fertility friend confirmed that I was ovulated every months. So we did a sperm analysis. It was perfect. We did another. Perfect. I took clomid (not monitored) and started acupuncture. Not pregnant. Got a referral to an RE who quickly realized that the current dosage of clomid wasn't helping me. I still just had one follie and she expected 2. She increased the dosage, scheduled and IUI and we once again had hope. Come IUI day my husbands sample was crap. I cried my eyes out. He doesn't have a problem. Normally his swimmers are excellent. Turns out a really bad fever a month or so before wrecked his sperm that day. But my RE also suspected that I had bigger problems. My ultrasounds showed what looked like a new fibroid. So we did a a lap/hysteroscopy and during that she found stage 3 endo that pulled my fully functioning ovaries so far away from my fallopian tubes that I didn't stand a chance of getting an egg near a sperm. And my uterus was filled with a ton of scar tissue that she determined was a result of the past surgery (once the large fibroid was removed my large uterus was empty and collapsed on itself and when it went back to normal made scar tissue). This too would never let a pregnancy stick. She cleaned out the uterus, but the endo was going to make IUIs really impossible. We needed IVF. We did IVF. We got pregnant. I didn't believe it could be real. I couldn't enjoy it. I kept thinking we were going to loose it. That there would be no heartbeat. That there would be something wrong with it. 20 weeks later we found out that the baby was perfect. All the right parts were there. No markers for chromosomal problems. And it was a GIRL!! We were overjoyed. And I finally relaxed.
That brings us to the current part of my story. The awful terrible craptastic part of the story. (Deep Breath). I can't re-tell that tale. It is too fresh. Too painful still. But if you want to read what happened go to the entry from April 27th or 28th. But the gist is that I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. Of all of my diagnosis this one was the worst. This one could not be predicted. This one stole my perfect healthy baby girl from K and I. This one means that instead of planning my baby shower I am trying to figure out what to do with Lydia's ashes. This is the one that means is I am ever blessed again with another child I will have to have my imcompetent cervix stitched up with a cerclage, and will forever be deemed a highrisk patient who will likely need bedrest to carry a child to term.
So here we are. Scared to death but preparing to try a frozen embryo transfer in a couple of months. I am infertile. I have an incompetent cervix. But I will have a live healthy baby someday. I know this in my heart of hearts. I never in a million years imagined that I would be in this position. I spend way too much time wishing I could go back in time and make K realize that we should start TTC sooner. Or that I could get a referral to the RE sooner. Or that I could get to the hospital earlier and they could have saved my Lydia. But none of that is possible. I'm stuck here in reality and probably the main way I heal myself is through this blog.
ICLW has led me several blogs that I now read daily. I'm so thankful to Mel for organizing this and bringing this community together. So happy ICLW everyone. I look forward to meeting peaking into your lives this week. And hopefully finding some new amazing blogs to add to my daily list.