Sunday, June 21, 2009

Welcome ICLW participants

I've decided to add a little background info for those of you who have never visited my blog.
I hope that it helps you to understand my upcoming posts should you chose to visit again.  

So in 2004 while on the pill I had some weird spotting.  I asked my doctor about it and she had me take a pregnancy test.  My first beta.  I was scared out of my mind.  Could I be pregnant?  We hadn't been married for even a year yet?  What would people think?  What would this do to my career?
The test was negative.  Several ultrasounds later they confirmed that I had a baseball sized fibroid in my uterus that needed to be removed.  I had surgery a few weeks later and but the doctor wasn't a very skilled surgeon and the only removed about 1/4 of the fibroid tissue.  Besides the pain and heavy bleeding I didn't really care.  I wasn't ready to be a mom yet.  And K was not ready to be a dad.  But in another year the mommy feelings hit me like an ultimate frisbee to the head.  All of a sudden I feared for my fertility.  I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy.  I wanted a child.  And I thought we should start trying.  Two years later he finally agreed.  Well by then we had moved and I was seeing a new GYN who was this so called fibroid expert and insisted that the fibroid come out before we could really try because I would most definitely miscarry any conceived children very early on with that large fibroid.  We had the surgery and afterward he said to "get to it".  That to come back in 6 months if we weren't pregnant, but he doubted we wouldn't be.  Well after waking up daily to check temps, learning the wonders of cervical mucus and spending a fortune on OPKs we still were not pregnant.  Fertility friend confirmed that I was ovulated every months.  So we did a sperm analysis.  It was perfect.  We did another.  Perfect.  I took clomid (not monitored) and started acupuncture.  Not pregnant. Got a referral to an RE who quickly realized that the current dosage of clomid wasn't helping me.  I still just had one follie and she expected 2.  She increased the dosage, scheduled and IUI and we once again had hope.  Come IUI day my husbands sample was crap.  I cried my eyes out.  He doesn't have a problem.  Normally his swimmers are excellent.  Turns out a really bad fever a month or so before wrecked his sperm that day.  But my RE also suspected that I had bigger problems.  My ultrasounds showed what looked like a new fibroid.  So we did a a lap/hysteroscopy and during that she found stage 3 endo that pulled my fully functioning ovaries so far away from my fallopian tubes that I didn't stand a chance of getting an egg near a sperm.  And my uterus was filled with a ton of scar tissue that she determined was a result of the past surgery (once the large fibroid was removed my large uterus was empty and collapsed on itself and when it went back to normal made scar tissue).  This too would never let a pregnancy stick.  She cleaned out the uterus, but the endo was going to make IUIs really impossible.  We needed IVF.  We did IVF.  We got pregnant.  I didn't believe it could be real.  I couldn't enjoy it.  I kept thinking we were going to loose it.  That there would be no heartbeat.  That there would be something wrong with it.  20 weeks later we found out that the baby was perfect.  All the right parts were there.  No markers for chromosomal problems.  And it was a GIRL!!  We were overjoyed.  And I finally relaxed. 

That brings us to the current part of my story.  The awful terrible craptastic part of the story.  (Deep Breath).  I can't re-tell that tale.  It is too fresh.  Too painful still.  But if you want to read what happened go to the entry from April 27th or 28th.  But the gist is that I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.  Of all of my diagnosis this one was the worst.  This one could not be predicted.  This one stole my perfect healthy baby girl from K and I.  This one means that instead of planning my baby shower I am trying to figure out what to do with Lydia's ashes.  This is the one that means is I am ever blessed again with another child I will have to have my imcompetent cervix stitched up with a cerclage, and will forever be deemed a highrisk patient who will likely need bedrest to carry a  child to term.  

So here we are.  Scared to death but preparing to try a frozen embryo transfer in a couple of months.  I am infertile.  I have an incompetent cervix.  But I will have a live healthy baby someday.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  I never in a million years imagined that I would be in this position.  I spend way too much time wishing I could go back in time and make K realize that we should start TTC sooner.  Or that I could get a referral to the RE sooner.  Or that I could get to the hospital earlier and they could have saved my Lydia.  But none of that is possible.  I'm stuck here in reality and probably the main way I heal myself is through this blog.  
ICLW has led me several blogs that I now read daily.  I'm so thankful to Mel for organizing this and bringing this community together.  So happy ICLW everyone.  I look forward to meeting peaking into your lives this week.  And hopefully finding some new amazing blogs to add to my daily list.

23 comments:

'Murgdan' said...

Happy ICLW...from a regular. Thank you for telling your story.

strongblonde said...

arg. i missed iclw again? i'm totally out of it! i guess being away from the internets for a week can really mess one up! i always love the reminder of how we all came to be in our current place! xoxo

carley said...

Thanks for sharing your story, I started reading your blog shortly after your loss so did not know your history.

That is what upsets me the most about IC, there is no way of knowing until you lose a baby. :0( I only made it to 16w4d before I went into pre-term labour. The kicker is that it was my 2nd pg, I had a perfectly healthy/normal pg the first time so it was a mystery why. My OB says it was probably the first pg that weakened my cervix.

This time around I'm on Progesterone (permeticium sp?) early studies are showing that women that did bed rest or had a cerclage done vs women who take the progesterone are still having a higher rate of pre-term labour then those on the progesterone. Fingers crossed it's the case for me. I still rest a lot and no lifting, but my Doctor and I are doing a wait and see on a cerclage. I get a "fun" check up every two weeks to get an eye on things.

Bella said...

Even though I'm here all the time, I didn't know the whole back story regarding the fibroids, etc. Thanks for sharing and as always, I am praying for you, DH, & Lydia.

meinsideout said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Your hope inspires me.

Aunt Becky said...

Holding you all in my heart.

ak_sapphire said...

ICLW ~ i'm so sorry that our stories are so similar. the if and when of having another baby is extremely scary for us as well. something for you to research, if you haven't already, is a transabdominal cerclage (or TAC). i had a transvaginal cerclage with the triplets...and well, that didn't work. i'm definitely gonna make sure the doctors give me a TAC next time.

Gabby said...

Just discovered your blog because of ICLW.. I am so so sorry for your loss -- what a cliche thing to say, I know but I truly can't imagine what you have been through.. I did notice that the words you chose to explain your blog were loss, FET and acupuncture. I'm glad you will have Angel Lydia wo watch over your future pregnancies. I'll have to read your story, but it soudns like you haev some embryos frozen and waiting for you. I'm doing IVF/FET in August.

And I do the acupuncture thing, too, so I'll look forward to learning more about TCM from you

Thanks for sharing your story. I'll keep you and Lydia in my prayer list..

Beautiful Mess said...

Happy ICLW! Thank you for your kind comment on my blog. Here's your cup of coffee ;o)
I'm so sorry about your Lydia. I'll be following along for the next leg of your journey. Lydia will be an amazing big sister and guardian angel to a sibling.
*HUGS*

Andie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story - you have been through so much. This was a wonderful post for those of us who only found you through ICLW. I look forward to reading some more of your blog.

Sending you peace and strength.

ICLW

katery said...

i'm so sorry, how very frustrated and sad you must be. good luck with the fet.
iclw

Kim H. said...

My goodness - your story is unimaginable. I think it's very brave of you to be able to document that pain like you are - and in the end it probably will prove to be helpful.

You will be in my prayers, and I can't wait to see pictures of you holding your healthy baby in your arms.

No one knows how we got chosen for this journey, but in the end - somehow it all becomes worth it when you hold that baby.

ICLW

Anita said...

So sorry for your loss-I will be thinking of you & your husband that you will both be able to find peace.

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Melissa G said...

Your story is an affirmation of the strength we all carry but aren't always aware of. I am so very sorry for your loss. But I am grateful for your honesty. Thank you for your bravery, and for stopping by my blog. I will never forget your story. I hope that in time you are able to move forward with everything.

Take good care of yourself and dh.

iclw

MAK-now said...

Bets, you're such an inspiration. Happy ICLW!

B MoM said...

hi sweetie. just wanted to let you know that I'll always be here, rooting and cheering you on. You deserve to have your dream. You will be (and are) an awesome mommy!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I am so sorry that you have had such a hard road. Thank you for sharing your story... I know it takes a lot to talk about that kind of pain. Sending prayers and good thoughts for your FET.

~ ICLW

TTC a lil F said...

I have been hiding a lot lately, but I am still so touched by your story. You are in my thoughts all the time. I will be watching for updates! debdebtx

Kristin said...

I Am so very sorry you lost your beautiful baby girl. My prayers are with you and I hope you get to experience a full term pregnancy soon.

~ICLW

Astrid said...

I've been following your blog for a while but this is the first time I've read the 'whole' story. I am so so sorry for all that you've been through and the loss of your child - but am moved and inspired by your courage and strength. You are doing everything possible and that is all you can do. Hopefully things turn around for us soon! Happy ICLW.

Fran said...

hi, I'm new to your blog and found you via ICLW. thanks for sharing your story, I am so deeply sorry for you loss. i know you will have another baby, keep believing it too. Lots of love, Fran

*ICLW*

theworms said...

Thanks B for telling your story. I pray for you and K and Lydia everyday. ((HUGS))

mommysomeday said...

Happy ICLW! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for you and am wishing you the best in your upcoming FET.