But the pain is right there. I understand now what it means to have some sort of emotion "just underneath the surface". This is exactly where my feelings sit. And they emerge easily as hot tears. I hate this.
There are tiny things that can trigger me and send me into a panic. For instance, when I woke up this morning I was on my stomach. I immediately thought about how I shouldn't be able to do that now. I should be so huge that sleeping on my stomach would be physically impossible. This cascaded into more and more thoughts about what I'm missing out on and what I should be experiencing. That it isn't fair that I have to go without my Lydia. It isn't right. It is all wrong. And I ended up just shaking my head no for something like a half an hour before I motivated to get up and out of bed.
I am not the type of person who can just be sad all the time. And I know this will take a great deal of time and that I may never ever get over it. But I just wish that I could fast forward. I wish that I was already done with these feelings. It just blows that not only did I have to loose my daughter and have the worry that I may not ever have another child, go through fertility treatments again, have to do acupuncture again, have to go to therapy now, I also have to endure this sadness now indefinitely. I hate to sound cliche but why me?. I just don't get it.
In addition to being sad and confused I'm really pissed. Why is it that after all the procedures I've been thought no doctor could find some sort of marker to indicate that I would be prone to pre-term labor and incompetent cervix? They can tell all sorts of problems that your unborn baby might have. They can give you pap smears to screen for cervical cancer, and mammograms to screen for breast cancer. They can give people amazing drug cocktails to keep their HIV from developing into full blown AIDS. Women can have sextuplets and octuplets even. But I can't have the care to allow me to have one. There is no way to tell that someone is going to go into early labor? There has to be some sort of indication!!! Why isn't anyone studying this? This makes me so angry. I live in the USA. I don't live in a 3rd world country. This should not have happened to me. Every doctor who I've spoken to since my loss has said "yes your case is typical. 21 weeks. yes that is exactly when this happens". O.K. then why didn't my OB tell me around 18 weeks to watch out for this type of thing. Would it be that hard for OBs to tell their 2nd tri patients to watch out for signs of early labor? Perhaps we would have gotten to that chat at my next appointment. Perhaps other OBs tell their patients about this risk. But mine didn't. So I'm beyond pissed.