Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Feelings

So lately I've felt the o.k.  I can go to work and function.  I can go to brunch with my best friend and laugh.  I feel joy watching Bailey leap into the air to make a great catch.  

But the pain is right there.  I understand now what it means to have some sort of emotion "just underneath the surface".  This is exactly where my feelings sit.  And they emerge easily as hot tears.  I hate this.  

There are tiny things that can trigger me and send me into a panic.  For instance, when I woke up this morning I was on my stomach.  I immediately thought about how I shouldn't be able to do that now.  I should be so huge that sleeping on my stomach would be physically impossible.  This cascaded into more and more thoughts about what I'm missing out on and what I should be experiencing.  That it isn't fair that I have to go without my Lydia.  It isn't right.  It is all wrong.  And I ended up just shaking my head no for something like a half an hour before I motivated to get up and out of bed.

I am not the type of person who can just be sad all the time.  And I know this will take a great deal of time and that I may never ever get over it.  But I just wish that I could fast forward.  I wish that I was already done with these feelings.    It just blows that not only did I have to loose my daughter and have the worry that I may not ever have another child, go through fertility treatments again, have to do acupuncture again, have to go to therapy now, I also have to endure this sadness now indefinitely.  I hate to sound cliche but why me?.  I just don't get it. 

In addition to being sad and confused I'm really pissed.  Why is it that after all the procedures I've been thought no doctor could find some sort of marker to indicate that I would be prone to pre-term labor and incompetent cervix?  They can tell all sorts of problems that your unborn baby might have.  They can  give you pap smears to screen for cervical cancer, and mammograms to screen for breast cancer.  They can give people amazing drug cocktails to keep their HIV from developing into full blown AIDS.  Women can have sextuplets and octuplets even.  But I can't have the care to allow me to have one.  There is no way to tell that someone is going to go into early labor?  There has to be some sort of indication!!!  Why isn't anyone studying this?  This makes me so angry.  I live in the USA.  I don't live in a 3rd world country.  This should not have happened to me.  Every doctor who I've spoken to since my loss has said "yes your case is typical.  21 weeks.  yes that is exactly when this happens".  O.K. then why didn't my OB tell me around 18 weeks to watch out for this type of thing.  Would it be that hard for OBs to tell their 2nd tri patients to watch out for signs of early labor?  Perhaps we would have gotten to that chat at my next appointment.  Perhaps other OBs tell their patients about this risk.  But mine didn't.  So I'm beyond pissed.  

18 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry. The coulda, woulda, shouda things can just kill you.

Mary said...

I pray that time continues to heal you.

meinsideout said...

I am angry for you too. I am sorry, so sorry. I too wish that I could hit fast forward, knowing that with time, I may not be so alone, afraid, tired.

K8e said...

I am so sorry. Words cannot even begin to express how badly I feel for you.

Busted said...

I'm so sorry. Lack of certainty from medical professionals adds insult to injury following such a horrible loss. Even after making it full term this time, my husband still questions what the doctors actually do if they can't say why we lost our Doodles and didn't really have any ideas of how to prevent losing another (the P17 shots and bedrest were my idea, not theirs). Who knows. Thinking of you and glad that you're not feeling sad all of the time.

♥Tabitha said...

I'm so very sorry. I wish I could help you more; give you some answers, but all I can do is pray hard for you!! And I will. I will pray that God blesses you with a peace that passes all understanding soon, and that you finally get to hold your dream in your arms!

Bella said...

It's not fair...I wish more than enything this didn't happen to you. Even more frustrating has to be not having any real answers is to why. Praying that time brings you some peace and a healthy, full-term baby.

Astrid said...

I totally relate to this post. The why me. The mounting frustration at doctors as time goes on. My question is a little different - why don't they check HCG levels routinely before and after a pregnancy? Why don't they have a test to see if I really have to wait the better part of a year before I can get back on the TTC bandwagon? Why don't they tell anyone this is a possibility? I've concluded (and even been told by my doctor in so many words) that it's because they don't want to scare people. It's pure self-egrandizing paternalism. They treat us like we're on a need to know basis. The problem with that is that by the time the doctors deem us a "need to know" case, it's too late for us or too late for that pregnancy. I am seething with frustration for you - I have never been more angry at the medical profession than I am at this particular point in my life. And I do feel trapped. As you must. Because there doesn't seem to be anything we can do except self-educate to the best of our abilities and hope we stumble upon something that resembles our situation. But even that can fail if we're unaware of our situation. It's like we pay for this crucial information with our own flesh and blood which is horrific and traumatic and totally dismissed by our doctors. We can only hope we learn from the tragedy I guess so that we'll be better prepared for next time.

iamstacey said...

It's ok and normal to be very angry as well as sad. I'm so sorry for all your going through. You're surviving the worst possible loss. {{{hugs}}}

Clio said...

I understand your anger, and you are right to feel it. Medicine does not have all the answers. They are very fallible indeed. I'm the daughter of a doctor and I do not fully trust them. Medicine have great advances but still so many more shotcomings. I am sorry this happened to you. But want also to give you a big hug for surviving it, for navigating these difficult waters on your journey. I also re-read your post about your fibroid surgeries. I just discovered this morning I have two. I'm not in a great mood either...

carley said...

I'm sorry for your frustration. I was in this same spot not that long ago. Whey I started asking the Why's, my Doctor told me it happens in less then 20% of all women and can happen anytime between 14 and 24w. For me I started spotting around 15w and went into labour at 16w3d. I mentioned the spotting at 2 apts I had and she scheduled an u/s but did not check my cervix. If she had, we might have been able to do an emergency cerclage. But as you probably know there are risks with that too.

I'm pg again and am on progesterone this time (I decided for my own reasons not to do the cerclage, as well as some of the studies on them vs progesterone that the doctor gave me. We are doing a wait and see approach as well as me staying off my feet as much as I can.) and see my doctor every 2w and have my cervix checked. Starting at 21w I'll get u/s's on a weekly to check on it. if I see any spotting at all, I go to her office or to the ER and let them know my condition.

It's sad and very frustrating that the "only" way to know you have a weakened cervix is to lose a baby. :0( I even had a perfectly good first pregnancy so it was totally unexpected when I was pg at 2nd time. My doctor says my first pg is probably what weakened my cervix.

I hope you continue to heal.

twondra said...

Oh, sweetie....I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, but totally understandable. (((HUGS)))

Sweet Georgia said...

I wish I had a way to communicate how sorry I am and how much I realize that this just isn't fair. Keeping you in my thoughts.

TTC a lil F said...

Hugs... I am so sorry. I think it is natural and normal to be angry. Someone should be studying how to judge a patient's risk for this.

MabelB said...

I totally agree. With all the amazing advances in medicine I would have thought this would be a pretty easy and routine thing for drs to keep an eye on. Obviously not. Scarily in the UK women often have to go through 3 second tri losses this before cerclage is used which I find completely and utterly unacceptable.
I can't imagine your pain. I hope you find some small respite in knowing we are all thinking of you and your hubby and cheering you on to achieving your dream one day soon.

theworms said...

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry. I have no idea why horrible stuff has to happen after dealing with IF for so long - there is no fairness, it doesn't make any sense and it just sucks.

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. Thinking of all that should be and could be but isn't is so painful and heartbreaking.

I too wonder about the PTL issue and why they can't tell that it is coming. I had just had an ultrasound like 4 days before I went into PTL with my pregnancy with the twins. My cervix was long and closed, no signs of anything. This was the appt that my perinatologist told me he was ok with me working until delivery b/c things were looking so good. So why then 4 days later did I start contracting every 1-2 minutes and end up in the hospital for 4 days and then on bedrest for 3 months? It seemed so odd to me that there were no signs or clues. It is such a bizarre thing. All of my OBs and my peri scared the crap out of me about PTL, but when I would ask questions about if my symptoms seemed like PTL they would all dismiss it like nothing. I remember at 18 weeks going to my OB b/c I started having horrible pain down my one leg and cramping, and he kind of smirked at me and said, "You can't be running here every time you have a new pain." I wanted to throat punch him. Ugh, sorry to go on and on. I just wanted you to know that I often wondered the same thing...how are we supposed to know what is and isn't PTL when the signs can be so subtle and when doctors like to scare you about it, but not really ever go into too much detail and brush it off when you ask questions about it.

((hugs)) Sorry for all that you are going through right now. None of it is fair, none of it.

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