Monday, June 1, 2009

The Dish

So my RE appointment didn't result the way I had hoped.  Dr. W and all the staff were as sweet as they always were.  Dr. W wanted to give me a hug.  We talked for a long time before the sonogram.  During the talk she asked me to explain exactly what happened and as I did I started tearing up.  She handed me tissue and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.  It was so sad.  She asked me about my mental state and asked about therapy.  I told her how I didn't like the support group and was considering one on one counseling.  Turns out she personally knew some of the counselors and told me which ones she thought I would mesh with.  Her $.02 was that even if I don't need  a counselor now I will most certainly do better to have one when I get pregnant again because I'll be really anxious and that won't be good for me or the baby.  So I'm going to give it a try.  What have I got to loose.  And as many of you suggested I can always quit if I don't like it.  So I'm going to call today and try to set up an appointment.

The next part of the conversation was about moving forward and the ease of a FET vs fresh.  She said our frozen embryos are excellent quality and assured me that the chances of them not surviving the thaw are slim to none.  That the lab is amazing and has 99.9 thaw rate.   All the embies are in individual straws and can be thawed one at a time so if per chance the first one didn't make it, the next one would be fine.  And I have a bunch (7 I think).  So that is a great thing.  However, she suggests we only transfer one.  That twins OBVIOUSLY wouldn't work because I wouldn't be able to carry them to term.  This stung.  I don't like the odds of getting pregnant with only one embie.  I had 2 transferred last time and only Lydia stuck.  So this really scares me.  I don't want to go month after month of transferring one and nobody s
ticks.  But my RE said that the frozen embies are even stronger maybe than Lydia and her brother/sister embie were because they lasted a day longer etc etc.   Whatever.  The next part of the conversation really killed me.  She wants to do a hysteroscopy (this will be my 4th) to make sure the uterus is totally clean.  I know we need to do this.  Especially given my history of fibroids and scar tissue.   But I don't want to do that again.  Dr. W insisted that the multiple hysteroscopies could not have affected my cervix.  But I'll always wonder.  So on day one of my cycle I am supposed to call her to schedule the surgery and start BCPs.  The sonogram showed one good sized follie on my right ovary so that should pop out soon and then my period should follow shortly thereafter.  Then it is hysteroscopy, then a month off to heal, then the FET.  God this all seems so far away.  I have a consult with a MFM on Thursday.  Hopefully he'll have some good news for me.
O.K. so Astrid over at babymaking101 was kind enough to give me the honest scrap award.
  Thanks for giving me this honor Astrid.  And sorry it has taken me so long to accept it.  
The Rules for this award are to write 10 Honest Things about myself.  So here it is:
1.  I've been watching re-runs of full house during my leave.  It is drivel but it makes me happy.
2.  I was a mean girl.  Yes a mean girl like in the movie.  I could write all about the bitchy things I did but then you guys probably wouldn't like me.  Let me just say that I changed my wicked ways by senior year. 
3.  I believe that all of the bad things that have happened to me are a cause of Karma biting back.  Why poor K has to be brought down by my bad behavior is the only part I can't account for.  So maybe it isn't Karma.  Unless he was bad too.   
4.  I gained ~20lbs last year due to IF.  Gross I know.  I used to exercise a lot but last year I was so depressed I just stopped working out and when I don't work out I gain weight.  
5.  I don't think Kate is a monster.  I think Jon is a douche and she probably treats him like crap because of his douchyness and she was probably under a crap ton of stress with all those babies to take care of.  I give her the benefit of the doubt because she is an IF survivor and therefore my sister.
6.  I've been watching the Young and the Restless since I was 9.  Still watch everyday (thank goodness for DVRs and online tv).
7.  I think I want to be a SAHM.  After all this crap if I ever manage to deliver a living baby I don't know that I would want to give up any time with the baby.  This after getting a Ph.D might seem crazy but I just think family is the most important thing right now.
8.  I hold a grudge
9.  I can beat anyone at brickbreaker.  I rock.
10.  I really can't come up with a 1oth.  So there.  I'm breaking the rules.  

So the other rules that come with receiving this award include giving it to at least 7 other blog writers that you find brilliant in content or design.  
* Show the 7 winners’ names on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have been awarded Honest Scrap.
And the no particular order are:


Anonymous said...

HI. I found your blog through another blog and I am so sorry for your loss. I thought the same thing. I put to embroyos in just in case one didn't stick. Well they both stuck and not that I am NOT in LOVE with my twins and wouldn't trade them for the world, I would never do it again. It's not worth it. Twins are Quadruple the work, tiredness, craziness. I can't even explain to you how HARD HARD it was. You won't know unless you have twins, but one should have been the only embroyo in there. I mean its twice as expensive. There is never enough help! Unless you will have enough money for a live in nanny or a 2nd wife!! LOL! It's crazy. Now when people say they want twins, I always say NO YOU Don't!! They think its cute and its not. yea, maybe later, but NOt a first! I'm telling you, just do one embroyo at a time. If this one doesn't work, you have 6 left. One of them will stick, I promise! That's just my .02 cents and you can take it or leave it. I just thought its my duty as a twin mom to let people know how its NOT fun at all. Two at the same time is NOT the way to go as people will say. I want to knock it out. Um, yea... whatever. Anyways, good luck to you. I wish you all the best and many many children! :)

Echloe said...

To anonymous. FYI It isn't that I want twins. I just want to put back two embies so I have a better chance of one sticking so I don't have to do this again and again and again.

Clio said...

Hi dear! Thanks for the Honest Scrap award :)
sorry to hear your consultation didn't go as you expected... but sometimes frustrating certain of our expectations is not bad in the long run. Perhaps your doctor is right and you needn't be freaking out about just having one embryo transferred on the FET.
You are also still very, very sensitive from your loss, it's all so recent. Counseling will be good for you. I love therapy, to tell you the truth. Just to have someone to whom I can truly say any wacky thing that goes through my mind or my heart without being judged at all. With it all being kept in that room... it's such a freedom. And to have them help you sort through and navigate our difficulties and pain.
I wish you the best. and perhaps we will end up being cycle sisters again, but... I guess you'll go before me on this one. ;)

Bella said...

I am so sorry you have to have another hysteroscopy...that sucks. I wish you could transfer 2 also, but it sounds as if you have some awesome embies, so one will hopefully be all you need. I know that waiting sucks, but it will go fast. ((HUGS))

Thanks for the award! I received that one a little while ago, so I may not repost it, but wanted you to know I appreciate it lots!!!

Michelle said...

Sorry to hear you have to go through another hysteroscopy and not transferring more then 1. That does suck but if increases your chances of carrying full term then it will be a good thing. It does sound like you have a good plan though. Sending you lots of hugs.

Anonymous said...

I just started reading your blog a few months ago and wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter and I am saying an extra prayer for you.

My 2 cents: my husband has 95 % antisperm antibodies from a hernia repair with mesh and low morphology from a varicocele. We transferred 2 great blasts for our FET #1 and it resulted in our beautiful 3 month old son. Both implanted, but one stopped growing and the other became our baby :)

That said, IVF #1 was a transfer of one great blast that did not take. My doctor thought the frozen cycle was easier on my body. We have one frozen blast left, but I read the success rate is about 10%.

You need to make the best decision for you. I LOVED our clinic, but I pushed for blasts and for transferring 2 instead of 1, and now we are blessed with our son.

I wish you the best. (Sorry so long!)

MAK-now said...

Hey there. I'm sorry you didn't hear exactly what you wanted to hear at your appointment but it sounds like your doc has a definite plan for you. Not only that, but it sounds like she is truly invested and cares about helping you guys have a little one. I'm happy for you that you have such a positive doctor on your side. Up until I found Dr. B, my OB was very snippy & curt and her answer to everything was "don't worry about it," even after I found out I had something to worry about. UGH!

Anyway, lotsa love, hon. Keep us posted.

p.s. Thanks for the award. I'll get to it as soon as I can.

alicia said...

so sorry you have to have the hysteroscopy. But your Dr sounds like she knows what she is doing and really cares for you. It is hard to trust them sometimes hey? Good luck with everything, I am sure you will be cycling in no time!

MAK-now said...


Just wanted you to know I'm sending the award back atcha. I know you already have it but I couldn't, in good conscience, leave you off my list.


Anonymous said... RE agrees with your RE. she said that their clinic actually has higher FET pregnancy rates than with the IVF rates. she attributes this to stronger embryos that are more advanced in age. whatever. you have to do what is right for you (1 v. 2). i'm glad that you are deciding on counseling. i totally agree. you can stop if it is uncomfortable or unhelpful.


Anonymous said...

Yes, that's what I did. I tried to inceases my chances of having 1 baby so I put 2 embroyos in there and they both stuck. I read many blogs before transferring them and it seemed like both NEVER stuck, but mine did. So I was doing the same thing as you. Trying to increase my chances. Good Luck!

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