good things

So I wanted to write about some "benefits" to not being pregnant yet. First of all there is coffee. I "milky foam heart" it. The worlds best coffee shop resides in my neighborhood. Not only does it have the best coffee and tea. It also has yummy bagels, great pastries, and even ice cream. My husband loves plain vanilla shakes and would go out of his way to go to a place with good shakes. Since the day we realized that our little coffee shop does a mean vanilla milkshake, he frequents there almost as much as I do.
So you are probably thinking that this place sounds pretty great. But so what. There are great shops everywhere. Here is the thing. They know their clientele. They know me. Well...... they know my drink. When I walk in in the shorter guy says "single soy mocha" to check in that that is what I really want before starting my drink and then by the time the line has shrunk enough for me to get to the register and pay the taller guy, my drink is done. Anyone who loves coffee drinks can understand why this is so special to me. I don't have to do anything but pay, I barely have to wait. It is so fast that I can usually pop in, get my coffee, and be out the door before the bus comes. I love that I can count on them for great coffee, and great service everyday and will never be late for work. And I don't even go there every day. They just remember me. 

I love that I can drink real coffee. When actively trying I had totally cut back and would get 1/2 caf or decaf, or tea. But I've been able to enjoy regular coffee again and am sucking it down by the gallon before next week when I go back on my low caffeine thing again.

The second thing is wine. I'm not a big drinker. I usually don't have wine that often. And when I do I usually drink white wine.  I especially love dessert wines.  But since I've been in TTC limbo I've become a fan of some of the cabs we had previously been just storing away for guests. Why didn't I drink wine with dinner before? I've been missing out. Why save the good stuff for guests? How silly. I've found that a glass of good wine is especially useful when making dinner. It makes cooking seem less like a chore and more like a fun activity. This is why people like wine!   And the best part about red wine (besides the fact that now it is linked with being heart healthy), is that it doesn't have to chill.  It is perfect right off the rack.

So I'll miss my daily coffee. I won't give it up for realz though. I'll probably just cut back to 2 days a week in the 2ww. But no more of that 1/2 caf or decaf crap. What is the point? Plus what kinds of chemicals are they using to take out the caffeine? I do that kind of work in the lab and it ain't pretty. So I'll just stick to the good natural stuff but just have it less often. As for the wine, I'll follow the drink til its pink mantra. Meaning that you can drink alcohol until you see a pink line that represents a Big Fat Positive pregnancy test. Like I said, I'm not really a big drinker anyhow. So cutting back is not an issue. I will not worry about it until I have a BFP. In the meanwhile, I'll probably cook more often.

Secret pre-baby gift to me

I didn't think I would ever do this. But I had to have it. Just had to. I bought a lullaby cd where all the songs are instrumental versions of The Cure songs. I was shopping for a birthday gift for a 1 year old (bought him a wee sing collection of kids songs), when I happened upon these rock versions of lullabies. They had nirvana, and green day, and a bunch of other stuff. But when I saw that they had The Cure, and only 1 cd left I scooped it up. My best friend M, who is going through IF is the biggest Cure fan and I figured I could give her the cd once she gets pregnant. I know it would mean a lot to her. But then the more I thought about it the more I wanted it. She turned me onto that band and I really love their music too. And I want a cool kid. I want to put headphones on my belly when I get pregnant and have the baby listen to good music. And to me that doesn't mean Bach! So I'm keeping the cd. I'm sure they'll have another copy available soon, so I'll keep my eyes peeled and buy one for M. In the mean while I've stashed my version away because my husband would think me crazy if he found it.

I know. I'm bad.

2 weeks notice

Dear Uterus,
I hereby inform you of my expectation that in two weeks time you will do the job that you have been neglecting to do for several weeks now. I've got 2 weeks left of birth control pills which should be building up a nice healthy lining, so you have no reason not to shed it. When I think back to all of the months I didn't want to have my period but you provided it with a bunch of cramps to boot it makes me very annoyed that you've chosen to stop working so at this time. But now you have no excuses. I'll do my part if you do yours. And I'm doing my part. So I expect to have a normal period.

Sincerely,
Echloe

And like that....I'm all happy again

I'm not manic! I was just checking in to the Nest TTC 6 months+ page and saw the incredibly wonderful news that another struggling TTCer has gotten her BFP. How can I be so sad about a person in my circle of friends getting knocked up but so happy about a girl I've never and will probably never meet in real life. I think it is because I know that my nestie friend has had a really hard time and I feel like she "deserves" it. Not that my real life friend doesn't. It is just something about the intimacy women on these message boards have......knowing the ins and outs of eachothers cycles and all the BFNs, to clomid, and REs, and IUIs. I don't know what happened with my real life friend (for all I know she could have had trouble too). But I don't begrudge her for not having trouble conceiving. I don't wish this on anyone. Not my worst enemy. There is just this weird and sad competition amongst our friends. And those who come in last lose. So I'm loosing. So stupid. This isn't a competition. I'm not in this to win. I'm in it to have a baby. Start a family. Why do I let myself get so bogged down with stupidity?

It ends now. No more jealousy. No more silly stupid crap. I love babies. I'll love our friend's baby. And from afar over the internet I'll love my nestie friend's baby.

I do not like the woman I was this morning. I do not like to feel like that. I'm over it. Positive Echloe is back.
Sorry if she is sappy. And sorry for rambling.

More than jealousy

Sometimes I get so upset when I here about someone else's pregnancy. It is kind of retarded. My husband calls me this morning to warn me that the emails will be flying about one of our friend's impending child. I was fine. I was happy. Now I'm a wreck. I wish I could blame it on the hormones but I know it is just me. It is just that I want what they have. And it doesn't help that another friend recently commented that we were the first to marry and will be the last to have a kid. Now it is absolutely true. I just want to go home right now and cry my eyes out. I should be happy for them. Them. I don't even really know which couple it is. I dare not look at my email. Yes I'm that crazy.

Now this doesn't happen with every pregnancy announcement mind you. I am happy for a lot of people. It is just in this particular friend group. My husbands friends. The friends who were too immature to even have girlfriends just a few short years ago. The friends that thought we were old and boring. What happened? How is it that I... the one who was giving all their eventual girlfriends wedding tips am the one who is struggling to just have a regular F-ing cycle not yet pregnant? I should have had a baby 2 years ago. I'm 32. I'm miserable.

Craptastic Day (work stuff)

So I'm finally getting some good results in the lab and am super excited about the data that I was collecting today when one of the supply tanks to my GC (gas chromatographer) empties. What the crap? How does one tank empty before the others? Its almost as though I've been sabotaged by someone, turning on this one tank and letting it run low. I don't understand how it could have run out. Now I've learned a valuable lesson. Always keep a spare. If I had a spare I would be running samples right now. But I don't have a spare. I have to order a new tank. And I can't do that now because it is lunch time and all the ladies that do the ordering are out to lunch. Craptastic.
Hopefully I can get a new tank ASAP so that I can finish my samples before Tuesday at the latest. I

two under two

My brother just told me that our friend's wife is pregnant with number 2 just 7 months after having their son. Lucky girl!!! Or unlucky. I mean, I would love to have a couple of kids who are close enough in age to be friends. But she will have to deal with 2 little babies at the same time. Twice the crying, twice the diaper changes, twice the worry. I think that it would be pretty hard to deal with. But my husband and his brother are just 13 months apart. His mom had to deal with having 2 little babies at the same time. And she dealt. Well I guess we will have to see how our friend and his wife deal with it. I'm sure they will be awesome.

But it makes me question if you can have two much of a good thing. My husband and I have always hoped for twins. And now with the clomid (if I ever get to take it...sigh) we will have much better odds of having them. But how would we do? Something to think about.

I'm on the pill

Yep. Back on the birth control pill. The purpose is to help me build up a lining, get a normal period, and then start clomid, have my hsg, have lots of sex and get pregnant. That is the plan. It is weird. I really didn't think the pill would be used in my getting pregnant arsenal. But whatever works.

All I can do is complain

I hate to be a whiner. I try to be a positive person. But enough is enough. I took my last Provera pill a week ago today. And where is my period. Nowheresville USA. This is getting so old. I just want to have my period so I can get my HSG, start my clomid, and have lots of sex. Mostly the last part. My husband has motivated big time the past few months. So I know that at least the trying will be fun. Plus he is so excited about the prospect of having twins. Me too actually. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Right now it is all about the flow. So come on flow. Get you big red a** over here already.

Town full of weirdos

So yesterday and today I had strange run-ins with odd people. Yesterday this shirtless guy in rollerskates and short shorts takes for ever and ever to cross the street and reaches his hand into my car for a high five. It was totally scary.

Then today, I'm walking along minding my own business when this load buzzing starts. I figured it was some car alarm or something but it kept getting closer. I figured out that it was coming from this guy who was walking toward me. I made the mistake of looking at him and then he would not stop staring at me. I got nervous, looked away and walked on. After a minute I turned to look at him and he was holding his fingers as if to aim a gun right at me. I walked away as fast as possible. I wasn't too scared. It was obvious he was not armed. But geeze, it freaked me out.

These things happen here though. I live in a town that is famous for drugged out hippies. Some of them went on to become yuppies with SUVs. But a lot of them are just nuts. I think I got t little more scared today because I was on campus at the University where I work. And do to all the recent school shootings I can't help but be a little on guard when a disturbed person fake points a gun at me.

Sure takes the mind of baby making. Or lack there of.