Feelings

So lately I've felt the o.k.  I can go to work and function.  I can go to brunch with my best friend and laugh.  I feel joy watching Bailey leap into the air to make a great catch.  

But the pain is right there.  I understand now what it means to have some sort of emotion "just underneath the surface".  This is exactly where my feelings sit.  And they emerge easily as hot tears.  I hate this.  

There are tiny things that can trigger me and send me into a panic.  For instance, when I woke up this morning I was on my stomach.  I immediately thought about how I shouldn't be able to do that now.  I should be so huge that sleeping on my stomach would be physically impossible.  This cascaded into more and more thoughts about what I'm missing out on and what I should be experiencing.  That it isn't fair that I have to go without my Lydia.  It isn't right.  It is all wrong.  And I ended up just shaking my head no for something like a half an hour before I motivated to get up and out of bed.

I am not the type of person who can just be sad all the time.  And I know this will take a great deal of time and that I may never ever get over it.  But I just wish that I could fast forward.  I wish that I was already done with these feelings.    It just blows that not only did I have to loose my daughter and have the worry that I may not ever have another child, go through fertility treatments again, have to do acupuncture again, have to go to therapy now, I also have to endure this sadness now indefinitely.  I hate to sound cliche but why me?.  I just don't get it. 

In addition to being sad and confused I'm really pissed.  Why is it that after all the procedures I've been thought no doctor could find some sort of marker to indicate that I would be prone to pre-term labor and incompetent cervix?  They can tell all sorts of problems that your unborn baby might have.  They can  give you pap smears to screen for cervical cancer, and mammograms to screen for breast cancer.  They can give people amazing drug cocktails to keep their HIV from developing into full blown AIDS.  Women can have sextuplets and octuplets even.  But I can't have the care to allow me to have one.  There is no way to tell that someone is going to go into early labor?  There has to be some sort of indication!!!  Why isn't anyone studying this?  This makes me so angry.  I live in the USA.  I don't live in a 3rd world country.  This should not have happened to me.  Every doctor who I've spoken to since my loss has said "yes your case is typical.  21 weeks.  yes that is exactly when this happens".  O.K. then why didn't my OB tell me around 18 weeks to watch out for this type of thing.  Would it be that hard for OBs to tell their 2nd tri patients to watch out for signs of early labor?  Perhaps we would have gotten to that chat at my next appointment.  Perhaps other OBs tell their patients about this risk.  But mine didn't.  So I'm beyond pissed.  

IF in the plant world???

This is Trudy, a Titan arum plant, aka corpse plant.  She is big and ugly, and stinks of rotting flesh (hence the nickname corpse plant).  I fought the crowds to take a look at her today because today was the first time since 2005 that she produced a flower.  Yes ladies and gents,  Trudy gets a chance at reproduction only every 4 or 5 years.  Very much like us infertiles, Trudy doesn't have a lot of opportunities to make a baby.  And when she does, she goes all out... making this giant flower (almost 7 feet tall).  I liken this to all the effort that we IFers have to put into baby making.  Injecting ourselves, undergoing crazy dietary regimes, surgeries, pills, blood draws, dildo cam visits....all in the hope of reproducing.

 The flower stinks (It was pretty nasty.  Being that it was growing in a greenhouse in June.  Just use your imaginations girls.) to attract flies and beetles that will carry pollen to her flowers.  Much like our REs guide sperm to eggs through IUI or IVF.  I'm assuming that most of us IFers don't stink.  But it does stink that a lot of us have to pay thousands of dollars for the chance to do what practically everyone else can do for free.  

The rest of the time in her life cycle when Trudy is not working her little plant ass off to reproduce, she looks like this.  

Just tall and leafy.  And not stinky.  This is the waiting stage.  So I guess right now that I'm waiting anxiously for 

my FET in August I'm sort of in my leafy stage.  I'm really not doing what I'm 'supposed' to do for reproduction.  I'm not taking pre-natals. Haven't had the heart to swallow them since I associate them with Lydia.  I'm drinking tons of coffee.  Really strong coffee!! And right now I'm guzzling down an ice cold Toffee Coffee Frostie.  According to my acupuncturist, cold food and drinks are a big no no.  Something to do with taking the blood away from the uterus to help warm up the cold stuff so it can be digested.  So the Frostie being frozen is probably really bad.  Oh and it is coffee flavor so all that extra caffeine added to the 2 cups of Joe I had today is probably bad too.  Also, my acupuncturist wants me to cut out sugar.  I'm sure there are about 2 cups of sugar in my Frostie.  But I really don't care.  I'm Leafy.  There is no chance that I can get pregnant right now anyway so I might as well enjoy myself a little.  Come July I'll get back on track.

Welcome ICLW participants

I've decided to add a little background info for those of you who have never visited my blog.

I hope that it helps you to understand my upcoming posts should you chose to visit again.  

So in 2004 while on the pill I had some weird spotting.  I asked my doctor about it and she had me take a pregnancy test.  My first beta.  I was scared out of my mind.  Could I be pregnant?  We hadn't been married for even a year yet?  What would people think?  What would this do to my career?

The test was negative.  Several ultrasounds later they confirmed that I had a baseball sized fibroid in my uterus that needed to be removed.  I had surgery a few weeks later and but the doctor wasn't a very skilled surgeon and the only removed about 1/4 of the fibroid tissue.  Besides the pain and heavy bleeding I didn't really care.  I wasn't ready to be a mom yet.  And K was not ready to be a dad.  But in another year the mommy feelings hit me like an ultimate frisbee to the head.  All of a sudden I feared for my fertility.  I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy.  I wanted a child.  And I thought we should start trying.  Two years later he finally agreed.  Well by then we had moved and I was seeing a new GYN who was this so called fibroid expert and insisted that the fibroid come out before we could really try because I would most definitely miscarry any conceived children very early on with that large fibroid.  We had the surgery and afterward he said to "get to it".  That to come back in 6 months if we weren't pregnant, but he doubted we wouldn't be.  Well after waking up daily to check temps, learning the wonders of cervical mucus and spending a fortune on OPKs we still were not pregnant.  Fertility friend confirmed that I was ovulated every months.  So we did a sperm analysis.  It was perfect.  We did another.  Perfect.  I took clomid (not monitored) and started acupuncture.  Not pregnant. Got a referral to an RE who quickly realized that the current dosage of clomid wasn't helping me.  I still just had one follie and she expected 2.  She increased the dosage, scheduled and IUI and we once again had hope.  Come IUI day my husbands sample was crap.  I cried my eyes out.  He doesn't have a problem.  Normally his swimmers are excellent.  Turns out a really bad fever a month or so before wrecked his sperm that day.  But my RE also suspected that I had bigger problems.  My ultrasounds showed what looked like a new fibroid.  So we did a a lap/hysteroscopy and during that she found stage 3 endo that pulled my fully functioning ovaries so far away from my fallopian tubes that I didn't stand a chance of getting an egg near a sperm.  And my uterus was filled with a ton of scar tissue that she determined was a result of the past surgery (once the large fibroid was removed my large uterus was empty and collapsed on itself and when it went back to normal made scar tissue).  This too would never let a pregnancy stick.  She cleaned out the uterus, but the endo was going to make IUIs really impossible.  We needed IVF.  We did IVF.  We got pregnant.  I didn't believe it could be real.  I couldn't enjoy it.  I kept thinking we were going to loose it.  That there would be no heartbeat.  That there would be something wrong with it.  20 weeks later we found out that the baby was perfect.  All the right parts were there.  No markers for chromosomal problems.  And it was a GIRL!!  We were overjoyed.  And I finally relaxed. 

That brings us to the current part of my story.  The awful terrible craptastic part of the story.  (Deep Breath).  I can't re-tell that tale.  It is too fresh.  Too painful still.  But if you want to read what happened go to the entry from April 27th or 28th.  But the gist is that I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.  Of all of my diagnosis this one was the worst.  This one could not be predicted.  This one stole my perfect healthy baby girl from K and I.  This one means that instead of planning my baby shower I am trying to figure out what to do with Lydia's ashes.  This is the one that means is I am ever blessed again with another child I will have to have my imcompetent cervix stitched up with a cerclage, and will forever be deemed a highrisk patient who will likely need bedrest to carry a  child to term.  

So here we are.  Scared to death but preparing to try a frozen embryo transfer in a couple of months.  I am infertile.  I have an incompetent cervix.  But I will have a live healthy baby someday.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  I never in a million years imagined that I would be in this position.  I spend way too much time wishing I could go back in time and make K realize that we should start TTC sooner.  Or that I could get a referral to the RE sooner.  Or that I could get to the hospital earlier and they could have saved my Lydia.  But none of that is possible.  I'm stuck here in reality and probably the main way I heal myself is through this blog.  

ICLW has led me several blogs that I now read daily.  I'm so thankful to Mel for organizing this and bringing this community together.  So happy ICLW everyone.  I look forward to meeting peaking into your lives this week.  And hopefully finding some new amazing blogs to add to my daily list.

That was easy

For once I woke up from surgery to hear good news. No fibroids!!! No adhesions!!! I am overjoyed. That means my recovery time should be short. Dr. W did find a little bit of tissue that she thinks could me leftover placental tissue. She sent other off to pathology to be analyzed and I'll find out what of was at my post-op. Since I got home I've been napping and chatting with K. He just brought me my iPhone so I could post. I'm still too tired to hey up and go to our desktop. And I left my laptop at work.


I think I'll be ok to go to work in the morning. I haven't even had to take a Tylenol. This is seriously the easiest procedure I've had so far.

Back to work

So today is my second day back in the lab.  For the most part it has gone better than expected.  I went in yesterday after lunch since I had my pre-op appointment in the late morning.  I'm glad that I only did half of a day.  It was a good way to get back into it.  Most people said "welcome back" and that they missed me.  That was the perfect thing to say.  No questions or comments on the baby.  They all know what happened so I guess they shouldn't have questions.  And they all sent their condolences after Lydia died so they really didn't have to do the "I'm sorrys".  And that was fine with me.  It isn't like I want to forget what happened.  I just don't want to get into tit with work people.  Does that make sense?   Of course there had to be one person to make me almost cry.  Our visiting scientist hugged me and told me how she was worried I'd get really depressed and never return to work.  Now, I have to add that English is not her first language so I'm not sure how much of our conversation was lost in translation.  Anyway she told me how her  brother and his wife lost their 1.5 year old daughter due to a heart condition and they were very depressed and the wife didn't return to work until a year later.  She said that her SIL would have probably preferred to have lost her daughter earlier (as in 21 weeks).  I think trying to say it is better that I lost Lydia before I got to know her.  This pissed me off.  But I let it roll off my back and said whenever a baby dies it is a tragedy and that I was very sad to hear of her niece passing on.  Then she went on about how I'm so young and can try again.  I'm so glad everyone thinks 33 is young.  Whatever.  I know she meant well and I know that people can say dumb things.  One of K's co-irkers actually said to him "it is all for the best".  What the crap?  All for the best for who exactly.  To reiterate, some people say dumb things.  

All in all I'm glad to back.  One of the grad students has her qualifying exam tomorrow (to become a PhD candidate) and she needed to practice her presentation.  Everyone else in the lab had already heard it all and didn't want to help her.  So I came back right on time to offer my help.  Today we spent 2 hours going over her slides and I quizzed her.  She knows her stuff but is super nervous.  I was happy to give her some guidance and hope I helped her realize that she is ready so she can relax a little tonight.  It felt really good to help someone.  

My acupuncturist is a mad genius

Hysteroscopy is on.  I have it scheduled for Thursday morning in the surgery center at my RE office.  This is the same room where they did my egg retrieval.  I've had good luck in that room so I'm not worried.  That and I've had more procedures down there than I'd care to remember.

I'm just happy to get this out of the way so my body has lots of time to heal.  And I'll be using Traditional Chinese Medicine to help me heal faster.

I've had pretty good luck with acupuncture in the past.  The needles never hurt.  I was always relaxed and felt very calm afterward.  The first practitioner I visited was this older Chinese man who was all about business.  His clinic was just a basic office built out of an old San Francisco Victorian.  He put in the needles and would sometimes light some incense right on my belly.  It regulated my crazy cycles and helped me ovulate earlier.  But with the endo I was meant for IVF.  So when I decided to IVF I started up with a new practitioner.  This was mostly because I didn't feel like driving all the way to San Francisco every Saturday morning.  This woman was in my town and I could go after work.  Her clinic was very different from the first.  She played spa type relaxing music and had her rooms all decorated in zen images, had tea for patients, and had one of those sand/rock gardens to look out at when waiting.  You also had to remove your shoes at the front door and put on slippers.  It was really relaxing.  And I know that she helped me relax during stimming as well as help my lining get to a good size.  She was also able to help me with "the bloat".   I love her.  But as you regular readers know we moved to a new town.  And I really didn't want to drive all the way to my old town just for acupuncture.  I found a new practitioner and she is like the best of the other two with a hint of crazy.  She is totally old school and uses different guage needles which can sting a little going in but then cause extreme relaxation.  She did a lot of needles in my ears to help me deal with my emotions since losing the baby and dealing with IF and it has really helped.  I can't explain it properly but it is something like little waves of emotion trickling off and out of me.  I feel so much better after her sessions.  She has the spa music too, and puts an eye pillow over my eyes during the rest period.  It is so wonderful.  But it still kind of freaks me out that it is works so well.  Yesterday was day 3 of my cycle and she put in way less needles but talked to me about how the body releases tension during menstruation and to just let it out.  I found myself crying on the table.  It was so weird.  And my flow had been sort of on and off before the session but about an hour later it was totally normal.  So I think she is some sort of mad genius.  I'm glad I found her.  And I'm sure she'll help me heal fast from this hopefully last hysteroscopy.  

Day 1

Didn't think I'd be excited as I was to get my period .   But I had a tiny feeling of joy, mixed with relief.  Only someone who is waiting to cycle understands this weird feeling I'm talking about.  To someone in this position,  cycle day one is a clean slate.  Its the start of a potentially BFPful month.  Well that won't be happening to me this month of course.  I started BCPs today.  Yesterday when I was at the pharmacy I thought for a second to pick up some OPKs because we could potentially have one of those break cycle BFPs.  Then I got back to reality.  BCPs Betsy.  You aren't getting pregnant this month Betsy.  You are on the pill again.  And you are having surgery that would harm a pregnancy anyway.   

I'm still excited to start BCPs again.  It means I'm that much closer to my FET.  I was also excited to call my RE office to get my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I'll hear back in a day or 2 when the surgery will take place.  I just want to get this surgery over with so I can concentrate on making my uterus a happy place again.  So I have things to look forward to.  

I discussed this odd feeling of hope with my therapist yesterday.  So yes I did decide to see a therapist.  So far I'm not sure that it is helping anything.  But I've only been to see her twice and realize that these things should take a long long time to work out.   It seems to me that she does quite a bit of the talking.  I imagined that she would just ask me lots of questions while I lay on the couch reflecting.  Nope.  There is a couch.  But I just sit on it.  I'll keep going.  I'm sort of curious to see how much this is going to help me.  Anyway, yesterday we discussed how conflicting it is to feel hope for a future pregnancy when I am still grieving the loss of Lydia.  The trick is to balance it.  And to not feel guilty about feeling hope.  This of course is much easier said than done.

Lucky 7's

MakNow over at Ova-EZ created this tag and I've taken forever to complete it.  So here goes.

The rules are to mention the person who tagged you and answer the 7 questios with 7 answers each.  Then tag 7 bloggers and let them know they've been tagged.

7 All-time Favorite books:

1.  Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood

2. The Notebook

3.  Harry Potter (i loved all of them)

4.  A tree grows in Brooklyn

5.  The time traveler's wife

6.  The lovely bones

7.  The Lord of the Rings (entire trilogy)

7 All-time Favorite Movies

1. Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind

2.  The Royal Tennenbaums

3.  Being John Malcovich

4.  Dirty Dancing

5.  Strictly Ballroom

6.  When Harry Met Sally

7.  My mother's castle/my father's glory (french)

7  Things you must have on your person at all times

1. iphone

2. Wedding Band

3.  Keys

4.  Hand Cream

5.  Nail File

6.  lip gloss

7.  id

7 Things that make you happy

1.  K

2. Bailey

3.  Sunshine

4.  LOST

5.  Roses (on the bush)

6.  Reading

7.  Hugs

7 Words that best describe you

1.  Human

2.  Woman

3.  Silly

4.  Friendly

5.  Academic

6. Realist

7.  Mother

7 Jobs you wish you could have

1.  Mommy (to a living baby)

2.  Professor

3.  Reproductive Endocrinologist

4.  Spy

5.  Supermodel

6.  Soap Opera Writer

7.  Travel Writer 

7 Favorite TV shows

1.  LOST

2.  The young and the restless

3.  How I met your Mother

4.  Grey's Anatomy

5.  30 Rock

6.  Kath and Kim (Australian and American Versions)

7.  Gilmore Girls

7 Favorite baby names (male or female o.k.)

1.  Lydia

2. Chloe

3.  Zoe

4.  Ian

5.  Jana

6.  Owen

7.  Penelope (Penny)

7 Websites you check out every day

1.  thebump.com

2.  gmail.com

3.  googlereader

4.  higheredjobs.com

5.  chronicleofhighered

6.  knitty.com

7.  soapoperafan.com

I'm tagging........

Everyone.  Meaning if you like this tag and want to do it then copy it and paste it, and let me know if you decided to do it so I can see your lucky 7s.  

Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist

My meeting with the MFM went well for the most part.  First of all, I was able to tell him what happened to me and Lydia without crying.  I was amazed at myself since this is the first time I was able to do that.   Well after hearing it all and looking through my records he thinks that even though I could be labeled as a classic IC patient we can't be sure that it wasn't also pre-term later (PTL).  Perhaps the contractions happened really quick and caused my cervix to dilate.  Or perhaps my cervix opening up caused the contractions.  We will never know.  But for next time (if we manage to even get pregnant again) I will be getting a cerclage to keep the cervix shut once I make it to 12 weeks, and then I'll take P17 shots weekly starting at 16 weeks to stop PTL.  When describing the P17 he was all apologetic because it is a shot and "those are hard".  I actually laughed.  I reminded him that Lydia was the result of IVF and I had to have shots everyday for weeks and weeks.  So a weekly P17 is no big deal.  The doctor also suggests that I have weekly cervix checks and will do modified rest depending on how the cervix looks.  I plan on doing self imposed modified bedrest regardless.   He showed me how the cerclage would be done on this cool little model of the uterus and vagina.  Doesn't seem to complicated.  And he has been doing them for 18 years.  So that made me feel good.  When I asked about a TAC (transabominal cerclage) he said that in my case it isn't warranted because I have plenty of cervix.  Basically he only recommends TACs to women with little to no cervix left.  I'm going to do a little more research on this.  I know that he is a highly respected MFM but from what I've heard on the cerclage message boards most doctors do not recommend TACs simply because they don't know enough about them.  I do trust this doctor.  But he is just a man.  And he might not know all there is to know about cerclages.  So I'll do a little digging around and see if I can get a second opinion on this just in case.  

I did ask him about transferring 2 blasts and he didn't totally agree with my RE that I wouldn't be able to carry a twin pregnancy to term.  But he said the chances of going into pre-term labor increase with twins and that I should consider that when deciding how many we want to transfer.  I know that Busted (from Busted Babymaker) and some other women out there have had success transferring one so I'm feeling a tad better about it.  But just a tad.  I'll need to research this some more too.

The last thing we talked about was how long I should wait before TTC.  This was the only part of the consult that bugged me.  He agreed that 3 months was standard but that I may need more time mentally.  I told him that mentally I thought I was getting there and know it will take some time.  That I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow, and I'm reading a lot about grief and pregnancy/baby loss (I have a stack of books I'm going through).  This blog, others blogs, and message boards are a good outlet for me too.  This is what works for me.  But he gave me a skeptical look and said "well it best to take some time because the next pregnancy you'll be really anxious".  O.K. I get that.  Of course I'll be anxious!  But I don't think that waiting 6 months instead of 3  is going to stop that anxiety from coming.  Whether I get pregnant tomorrow or next year I'll be anxious during the pregnancy.  I know myself.  And I know that I've waited long enough.  I waited for my husband to want to TTC.  I waited for the fibroid surgeries.  I waited to go to the RE.  I waited for IVF.  Now I have to wait again.  I'm tired of waiting.  I want to be a mother to a live baby.  I guess this is something to go over with the therapist tomorrow.   

The Dish

So my RE appointment didn't result the way I had hoped.  Dr. W and all the staff were as sweet as they always were.  Dr. W wanted to give me a hug.  We talked for a long time before the sonogram.  During the talk she asked me to explain exactly what happened and as I did I started tearing up.  She handed me tissue and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.  It was so sad.  She asked me about my mental state and asked about therapy.  I told her how I didn't like the support group and was considering one on one counseling.  Turns out she personally knew some of the counselors and told me which ones she thought I would mesh with.  Her $.02 was that even if I don't need  a counselor now I will most certainly do better to have one when I get pregnant again because I'll be really anxious and that won't be good for me or the baby.  So I'm going to give it a try.  What have I got to loose.  And as many of you suggested I can always quit if I don't like it.  So I'm going to call today and try to set up an appointment.

The next part of the conversation was about moving forward and the ease of a FET vs fresh.  She said our frozen embryos are excellent quality and assured me that the chances of them not surviving the thaw are slim to none.  That the lab is amazing and has 99.9 thaw rate.   All the embies are in individual straws and can be thawed one at a time so if per chance the first one didn't make it, the next one would be fine.  And I have a bunch (7 I think).  So that is a great thing.  However, she suggests we only transfer one.  That twins OBVIOUSLY wouldn't work because I wouldn't be able to carry them to term.  This stung.  I don't like the odds of getting pregnant with only one embie.  I had 2 transferred last time and only Lydia stuck.  So this really scares me.  I don't want to go month after month of transferring one and nobody s

ticks.  But my RE said that the frozen embies are even stronger maybe than Lydia and her brother/sister embie were because they lasted a day longer etc etc.   Whatever.  The next part of the conversation really killed me.  She wants to do a hysteroscopy (this will be my 4th) to make sure the uterus is totally clean.  I know we need to do this.  Especially given my history of fibroids and scar tissue.   But I don't want to do that again.  Dr. W insisted that the multiple hysteroscopies could not have affected my cervix.  But I'll always wonder.  So on day one of my cycle I am supposed to call her to schedule the surgery and start BCPs.  The sonogram showed one good sized follie on my right ovary so that should pop out soon and then my period should follow shortly thereafter.  Then it is hysteroscopy, then a month off to heal, then the FET.  God this all seems so far away.  I have a consult with a MFM on Thursday.  Hopefully he'll have some good news for me.

*********************************************

O.K. so Astrid over at babymaking101 was kind enough to give me the honest scrap award.

  Thanks for giving me this honor Astrid.  And sorry it has taken me so long to accept it.  

The Rules for this award are to write 10 Honest Things about myself.  So here it is:

1.  I've been watching re-runs of full house during my leave.  It is drivel but it makes me happy.

2.  I was a mean girl.  Yes a mean girl like in the movie.  I could write all about the bitchy things I did but then you guys probably wouldn't like me.  Let me just say that I changed my wicked ways by senior year. 

3.  I believe that all of the bad things that have happened to me are a cause of Karma biting back.  Why poor K has to be brought down by my bad behavior is the only part I can't account for.  So maybe it isn't Karma.  Unless he was bad too.   

4.  I gained ~20lbs last year due to IF.  Gross I know.  I used to exercise a lot but last year I was so depressed I just stopped working out and when I don't work out I gain weight.  

5.  I don't think Kate is a monster.  I think Jon is a douche and she probably treats him like crap because of his douchyness and she was probably under a crap ton of stress with all those babies to take care of.  I give her the benefit of the doubt because she is an IF survivor and therefore my sister.

6.  I've been watching the Young and the Restless since I was 9.  Still watch everyday (thank goodness for DVRs and online tv).

7.  I think I want to be a SAHM.  After all this crap if I ever manage to deliver a living baby I don't know that I would want to give up any time with the baby.  This after getting a Ph.D might seem crazy but I just think family is the most important thing right now.

8.  I hold a grudge

9.  I can beat anyone at brickbreaker.  I rock.

10.  I really can't come up with a 1oth.  So there.  I'm breaking the rules.  

So the other rules that come with receiving this award include giving it to at least 7 other blog writers that you find brilliant in content or design.  

* Show the 7 winners’ names on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have been awarded Honest Scrap.

And the winners......in no particular order are:

Ova EZ, Dancing With Gaia, Meinsideout, Inconceivable, O Baby, Bella and Her Fella, and the Infertile Buppie.